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Forums / Welcome and orientation / New and Confused (Non-binary parent)

Topic: New and Confused (Non-binary parent)

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. River Marizold
    River Marizold avatar
    2 posts
    15 October 2021

    This is my first time posting, so please be gentle. I'm actually on here as my husband thought it might help me to know others who feel how I do.

    I'm River (not legal name). I'm a 29-year-old Non-binary parent. I was born a girl, so I have always presented as a girl, but not felt quite like one entirely.

    I'm on here because I have always struggled with identity, but could never put it into words. Yesterday: I did. For the first time I could vocalise my feelings of not being a woman, but not quite a man either. I accepted that I was Non-binary. I don't wish to lose my identity that I've made as a woman, but I am very much a "masculine" person on the inside.

    My biggest issue is parenthood. I want to know if there are others who feel as I do, and how you cope. I hated my body during pregnancy. It felt "wrong" to be pregnant. But, I was over the moon to know I was going to be a parent. Breastfeeding was a struggle, but my daughter stopped latching after 6 months, to my relief. I now feel like I'm a great parent, but that I might be letting her down because I'm not a good "mother". So, I have fears that she will become distant. I don't want that at all.

    How do you (if you are out there) cope with feeling like you aren't enough as a parent while struggling to adjust to your own identity?

    Thank you so much for reading, and I hope there might be someone I can talk to.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    15 October 2021 in reply to River Marizold

    Hi River, welcome

    I'm here usually daily so you can reply anytime.

    Firstly lets discount a couple of feelings you have. As a dad of two daughters now adults I also went through "not good enough as a parent" syndrome. In fact many people do. We humans are hardly prepared no matter how much reading or advice we get to be a parent. Then you feel (due to some feelings of masculinity) that you wont be a good "mother" yet gay couples might feel they arent good fathers or mothers. Some of those great parents seek out an opposite sex friend of relative to fill what they see as a void. Some use a Godfather or Godmother in that role as they dont want their child to miss out. So to be a good parent IMO has little to do with your ability to be one but more possibly be associated with your confusion/concerns of your sexuality of which I'm not qualified to address. I know you'll be a great parent but you being convinced is another thing.

    The mother of my kids had big issues with breast feeding with our first child. From day 1 our baby had Cholic and would take to the breast at all. The cholic for a start was traumatic constant crying, then my wife's depression with failing to be able to feed. In a few weeks of massive struggles we had to go to the bottle. My ex felt a failure. We humans often blame ourselves when things dont work out. Bare this in mind- blaming yourself and over thinking (worrying) is non productive and can have more negative impact than the topic of concern in the first place.

    In the last few decades we as a society has seen the emergence of more LGBTIQ people and many others. This doesnt mean there is more, just more exposed and thats a good thing. I do think it is a topic to consult your GP about as it seems the root of all your concerns. Acceptance of yourself has a head start as you said "I don't wish to lose my identity that I've made as a woman..." and along with your fabulous support from your husband I think you'll make good progress with professional support.

    Thankyou for writing in.

    Here is some links-

    https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/sexuality-and-gender-identity/lgbtiq-not-conventional-you-are-still-a-jigsaw-piece

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/do-you-like-yourself-your-thoughts-are-welcome/page/54

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. River Marizold
    River Marizold avatar
    2 posts
    15 October 2021 in reply to white knight

    Thank you so much for responding. I really appreciate the time you took to give me a really good perspective.

    This all gives me more to think about, and I am starting to a that we do all find it easy to see our "failures" as parents. Even if they aren't really founded. I'll do my best to keep that further forward in my mind.

    I do think I need to speak to a professional, but I like the advice to not overthink. I do that a lot right now... So, I'm glad you replied.

    Thank you for the links and I'll do my best to be conscious of the advice.

    sincerely,

    River

    1 person found this helpful

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