I sometimes get so tired from my constant battles at times its just so draining.Im 55 and i just want happines and have it last i just feel so tired at times. Im in a relationship that causes me so much anxiety at times as i dont know where i stand as i get pushed away at times and i just want a partner that i can be with when i need company. My partner has her trust issues as she has been treated badly and hurt by her past and i just seem to be constantly questioning my role and what i should do or say. Im just so confused. I hope every one is well out there and wish everyone all the best, Beaser.

Hi Beaser,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch with your relationship at the moment. Please correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like your partner has some trust issues of her own from her troubled past, and whenever you approach her to try and give her support, she pushes you away and not wanting to open up to you/talk to you about it? It may be that she feels she doesn't want to burden you with her troubles, and just wants to isolate to deal with her problems herself. But by isolating, your needs in a relationship aren't met, which causes you to feel confused and questioning whether there is still a relationship between you two?

Happy to listen to you more Beaser

Jt

Hi jt. Thanks for your kind response.You pretty well summed everything up spot on. I really feel for this person and want to keep tings going but it is tough going at times with all the barriers and communication at times. I guess i dont know what i should excpect from this relationship and am i just finding it hard because of my problems. I feel as though i give it my best as far a being a good partner and person goes. Thanks again Beaser,

Hi Beaser,

Thank you for confirming, you definitely have given it your best thus far, as you care for her and want her to feel better soon so the both of you may return to your relationship once more. It can be difficult to understand what your partner is going through, and her actions may make the situation more awkward for you to approach and help her.

Her mental health issues may be forcing her to feel alone, but her fear for opening up to others may be because she fears that no one will understand her if she does, and it will only lead to more rejections/misunderstandings if she does try to express how she feels. Sometimes, all a person wants is for someone to listen and acknowledge what they're going through. Make them feel like they belong in this world, validate their feelings and the person who they are rather than what society wants them to be. You may try approaching her gently, and reassuring her that you're here for her, hear to listen to whatever she'd like to say to you, and validate her feelings. They may not open up immediately, so this will require some patience.

Has your partner had a mental health plan from her GP about her trust issues? That may also be another way to help her through her problems, as the GP can refer her to specialists who can help with her problems. It may also be beneficial to check in on yourself. Putting your own mental health first before others is a sign of self-love, so don't be afraid to reach out to your GP for a mental health plan as well, and give yourself some space from your partner if you need to.

Happy to chat more with you Beaser.

Jt

Hi and thanks again JT.

You certainly do seem to understand my situation well. A little about myself ,i have had lifelong depression and anxiety issues and have been on a mental health care plan long term .I have found a councillor who i really like so that is comforting. My decision making is a real problem ad i always question myself.Sometimes i feel so stressed. I have pretty much assured my partner that im there for her and that her problems are similar to mine and that i wont be scared away. I have been gentle and tried to be there for her at times too be pushed away though.The space thing is hard as i have been accused of being too clingy. I have been heavily involved as a volunteer at my local football club for most of my life. I worry that this may come between us as she struggles with coming along . As people always tell me i need to keep doing these things.I hope i am gradually giving you a better idea of me and my situation. And thanks so much its kind of you to reach out and i value your thoughts. Please feel free to ask any questions.

Hi Beaser,

Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts. I'm really sorry to hear about your lifelong depression and anxiety issues... that must be really hard on you for awhile now. It's great to know that you have a councilor whom you really like, and a mental health care plan to help you. Please correct me if I'm wrong, when it comes to decision making, do you feel a sense of "Is what I'm doing right? What if this is not right? Maybe I could've done this?". It's common for us to worry about the choices we make, as we're unsure of the consequences that it has for the future; Fearing of the unknown. I tend to be like that as well sometimes, and while I still am, it is not so much as before after I've learned about practicing mindfulness, and just be living in the moment. I'm practicing to trust myself on the decisions I make today, and whatever happens tomorrow, I'll deal with it. Hopefully that may assist you in any way about your worries on decision making. It is also worth bringing it up to your councilor about your troubles on making decisions that makes you question yourself? They may have a better approach for you to handle your worries.

For your partner, I feel everyone's mental health issues are unique. While there can be slight similarities here and there in the way people feels, but everyone has their own story to tell, and it can be hard for them to bring it up as they are afraid it might hurt the ones that they love, or burden them. Have you suggested to her to visit a GP for a mental health care plan as well? It's tough caring for someone with mental health issues, and requires a lot of patience, compassion, and empathy. Hopefully she'll be open to the suggestion of getting a mental health care plan for herself too.

Regarding your football club, sorry to hear about your worries that it may come between you and her. I'm not well versed on what are the requirements to be in a football club, but do you feel it is necessary to be bringing her to your football clubs? Or is this more for meeting the expectations of what others have expected of you to be doing? If it's the latter, how would you feel if you did accomplish that?

Jt

Hi again JT and thank you.

I guess with my decision making a lot of it comes from being a people pleaser and the guilt that i feel that ive let people down.I know guilt comes with my condition but it weighs me down greatly.Especially with the football club as they have been my saviour in recent years . But at the end of the day i come home to an empty house from there,i guess i have to make sacrifices to be with my partner.

My partner has her mental health care plan and speaks with a proffesional who she is comfortable with.I just really struggle with her pushing me away at times and im scared to suggest that we catch up as i dont want to scare her away.I feel so insecure at times. Thank you again JT I would love to keep talking. Beaser,

Hi Beaser,

It must be tough to be bearing the burden and guilt of having to have let people down in the past. For the past to be affecting you to becoming a people pleaser and having a tough time making decisions, I can only imagine it to be a very tiring and mentally exhausting for you. I'm sorry to hear that Brett. Pardon me for asking, do you live separately with your partner now?

I'm glad to hear that your partner has her mental health plan as well. Only within ourselves can we find answers to our own problems. There's only so much problems we can handle, that we become overwhelmed by needing to find answers for all of them. When that happens, we then need to find the courage to seek help, but it is tough to find that courage when we do not want to burden others with our own problems. I feel it is perhaps what your partner is going through at the moment, especially since she too carries a burden from the past.

I can feel your love for her is strong, and you've done your best in supporting her through her tough times, even though you have your own problems as well. It takes a lot of patience, empathy and love to help support someone who's going through their dark times. Try and take things slowly with her, gently remind her the wonderful person that she is, and that you're there for her if she ever wants someone to talk to. At the same time, try and fill your time with something that you love to do for yourself. Do you have any hobbies that you like to do, or would like to pursue?

Jt

Hi again and thanks JT.

Just in answer to your your question yeh i do live alone my partner lives about a half an hour away. I think you have summed things up very well and my partner does have her trust issues and it is hard for her to open up about her feelings. I am trying to take it slow with her and remind her of how well she is going.Its just sometimes i feel insecure as a result of the way things are.I too am scared of putting my heart on the line and having it broken ,it terrifies me.

I realise i need to keep my own life going ,i guess the football has been a saviour for me in recent years and i am trying to keep that going as best i can.

I had a text from my psychologist yesterday and have an appt with him next Monday which will be good for me.

Thank you again JT I really appreciate you taking time to reply and i find you have a great understanding of where im at.

Brett

Hi Beaser,

It's great to hear from you again. I hope you're doing well. It's okay to feel insecure, I feel you've been through a lot in your life. There's that saying, wounds heal, but scars will remain for life. The experiences we've had in life, whether bad or good, remains in our memory because of how much it has impacted us during that time. Especially a broken heart that kicks us and beats us down while questioning all our beliefs and self-worth.

It is as you said, we need to keep going on with our own life. Football certainly sounds like something you love doing, and there's plenty more of things to discover in this world that you may love doing as well. Keep yourself happy and occupied while taking it slowly with your partner who has her own battles. Only she can fight her own battles, while everyone else around her supports and encourages her from the side. I hope all goes well with you and your partner Brett. Always happy to chat more with you too.

Jt

Hi and thanks again JT. Yeh i guess i have been through a lot be it of my own making by overthinking and and the load that ive carried with my depression and anxiety.Im actually proud of what ive got myself through. Ive tried to keep on top of things mostly by keeping fit via the gym and my football involvement..I have struggled to get back into if im honest ,after Victorias lockdowns re covid.Im going to try and get back to seeing my friends a bit more as ive put my time into those other things ive spoken about and i actually feel guilty about that but i think thats my depression kicking in .I was wondering if you felt like talking,how you overcome things and what you reccomend from your experiences. Thank you again. Brett.

Hi Beaser,

Happy to hear from you again, hope your session with your psychologist went well. You've done really well by yourself reaching this far, and I believe you'll be able to do greater things for yourself as well. Catching up with friends sounds like a great idea, and there's no need to be feeling guilty for not catching up with your friends because of what you were going through during that time.

About a few months ago, I went through my first break up with a wonderful person who was going through her dark depression times. It was really hard for me to accept what has happened, and it had left me in a state of feeling lost / unwanted / unsure of who I am anymore. But I'm really grateful to have a wonderful support network of friends and family members, as well as the awesome BB Community. I've learned a lot from the break up experience, and currently working to improve myself so I can live a happier life. There are days where I'll miss my ex, or just a small grief moment of the wonderful times we had. But I'll remind myself that the past is the past, to accept the end of the relationship that I once had, and keep moving on. I've also learned about self-love, something which I've neglected for a very long time. I'm still learning to trust myself; trusting that I'll be able to handle anything that comes my way, while living and enjoying the moment (which I found it really helpful when my thoughts goes astray and I start to doubt myself). It's been a fun and interesting journey thus far.

As for my ex, I've learned to let her go. I understand she has her own battles to deal with, and I cannot force myself on her if she doesn't want me in her battles. The best I can do is to keep moving on with my own life, and be ready to support her if she ever comes back. I still do think about her some times, and hope she'll be able to resurface from her dark abyss eventually.

Recommendations... Love ourselves! Accept ourselves as the wonderful and unique person that we are today. Learn to trust in our in actions and decisions, and when life gives us lemons, we make lemonade out of it. But when life gives us something incredible, cherish it and enjoy the moment until it's time for it to leave (think of it as the sun, the sun rises to give us warmth, and eventually it'll have to set. But it'll come back tomorrow).

Hope that helps Brett, thank you for listening to me, and happy to chat with you more as well. I feel you're a great man Brett, and I believe in you!

Jt

G'day Beaser,

Good on you for joining up and sharing your story here on beyondblue.

Us sporty people are often expected to be stoic or optimistic, just as a matter of course, or expected to share every little health issue with other sports club members - I found that pressure to share at my sport club uncomfortable.

People are being nice, but I'm like, no don't tell em about depression/anxiety, it's too embarrassing or too painful to recount. I went to the club to get away from such thoughts, to socialise and play the sport.

Good luck mate.

Hi I hope everyone is going as best they can...

Im starting to find the constant grind of the last eighteen months really starting to wear me down. The lockdowns are getting harder and harder . One of the biggest problems is it makes every other thing seem so much bigger and harder to cope with. I have been involved in a new relationship in the last 12 months and that has been made so much harder by everything thats happening. Work is becoming harder and harder to cope with. I was wondering how my friends here were coping and ways they have gone about things. Thank you and my best wishes to everyone. Brett.

Hi Beaser,

Happy to hear from you again, thank you for sharing your updates. The lockdowns certainly has been hard for a lot of us. Having no signs of when this would all end, or when will we at least be able to get some of our lives back again is a hard test of patience on all of us. I thought given how I love to be at home most of the time, the lockdown wouldn't affect me much. But I feel lockdown 6.0 in VIC is slowly creeping up on me. The feeling I would describe would be that feeling of someone constantly poking you gently, and you don't mind that at all. After awhile, you think to yourself "Alright, enough games, you can stop now", but the poking keeps coming, and you slowly feel irritated.

Though, I'm grateful for still having a job at full income and being able to work from home. Grateful for technology to help us stay connected during these weird awkward times where we cannot meet face to face in person. I'm also grateful for being able to live with my parents, and at least have someone to socialize with. I've found myself playing a lot of video games lately, because of the lockdown restrictions, and it's a joy to be able to explore games that I haven't had time for in the past. But even with all that, there are definitely days where you feel like doing something else outdoor; such as exploring different towns, hidden shops in the city etc. I feel sorry to a lot of business owners who have no other choice but to shut down their business because of the pandemic... I hope they're doing okay...

We'll just have to keep on going strong, and squeeze that creative juice out to adapt to the extended lockdown situation. Would you like to talk about how work has been harder to cope for you? Or how has your relationship been amidst the lockdown? Happy to listen to you Brett.

Jt

Hi again and thanks JT.

Im glad to hear your coping ok ,I understand about the constant poking with covid and the need to get out and explore different things.

You asked about my work , i guess its just a reflection of how im feeling in general which i guess isnt really good with all that is happening. Im not sure if your in VIC but its been a long and tough haul here.

My relationship has been going about twelve months , i think with lockdown it has made me perhaps be a bit on the needy side and sometimes i guess it takes up all of my focus. It worries me and i wish at times we had met when things were normal in the world.

I also worry what my friends will think as i dont get to see them as much and they have been so good to me.I just hope they dont think ive turned my back on them. I just think with everything happening i am feeling a bit overawed at times.

Thanks JT hope to hear from you again and hear how you are going .

Brett.

Hi Beaser,

It's certainly has been hard on all Victorians at the moment (I too reside in VIC at the moment), given how long we've been in lockdown for, and how much this is going to affect the mental health and economy of all Victorians. It was disappointing to hear the recent announcement that we're going to be remaining in lockdown potentially for another month... Will have to find more creative ways to adapt.

Must be tough for you to be keeping up with a long-distance-alike relationship, especially with the restrictions and curfews not allowing you to visit your partner. On the bright side, it'll make meeting up after the lockdown to be a blast and something to look forward to. Do you do video calls/phone calls with your partner? Also, if you don't mind me asking, you mentioned about the lockdown have placed you a bit on the needy side of things and that it can take up all of your focus. Would you be able to share more about what you meant by 'needy' and how it has taken up all of your focus?

With the current lockdown happening, it makes meeting up with friends almost near impossible without breaking the rules. But even so, friends will always be friends, and the connection will always be there no matter how long we have not seen each other. If I may seek for further understanding, you mentioned about worrying that your friends may feel that you've turned your back on them. Why is that?

Jt

Hi Jt and thank you again.

I appreciate you taking time to read and understand my situation.

Just on my partner situation i have been able to visit under the current rules so im lucky in that regard. When i talk about being needy i guess because its become my only real social contact im having im finding that i have become very dependent on it , i know that can be unhealthy but if im honest with the way things are at the moment its my only really happy space at the moment.

I feel guilty about my friends because i have always been very loyal and caring about my friends and the fact that i havent been spending time with them makes me feel guilty and i worry they may be disappointed in me. Its a hard life at times living alone and i guess having a partner becomes has taken all my focus.

In general im finding things very tough at the moment . The whole covid thing with the anger and unrest thats developing is distressing me let alone the health issues that are out there with it. Its tough at the moment JT I know its common with Depression and anxiety but i get so much guilt at times and i know that i havent realy done anything wrong.

Thanks again JT. i look forward to hearing from you again.

Hi JT.

Hope your well,its been awhile and im hoping your ok. Im hoping for some nice spring weather to brighten things up here in vic. Its been a tough time here and currently my area is in a lockdown.How have you been? Beaser

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Sorry Sophie i didnt realise i had done that. Brett.

Heya Brett,

Sorry to hear about the lockdown. Lockdowns certainly are tough as we're being shoved into an awkward situation where we can only learn to live with it rather than go against it. I read your previous post as well. You certainly sound like a very caring person.

I'm curious to know, just to get a better understanding, what is it that concerns you about disappointing your friends? From a friendship's point of view, true friends will accept you for who you are (regardless of the amount of interactions you have with them). Friends will put in the effort to socialize/hang out only if it's what they want, and not what they feel others should get out of you. Because we're responsible for our own happiness, and we learn to live alone while also learning to collaborate and work together with others. But I wonder if perhaps you had a bad experience with a friend that led you to being worried of disappointing your friends?

Would you alos like to talk more about what is it that you are angry and feeling unrest about with the whole covid thing? I personally find irresponsible riots/demonstrations to be irritating, especially to those who are doing their best to do the right thing, only for their efforts to be ruined thanks to some super spreader events. But I understand that people are tired and sick of lockdown, and covid has forced us to changing our "normal" ways to cope with the new way of living with covid. We're all flawed in many ways, and the best we can do is adapt/learn/live with the consequences.

I've been doing alright, been really busy with moving and work, so life feels quite productive lately. There are days where I do fall into spiraling thoughts about my past relationship, and my own issues. But having the BB Forums and a close friend of mine to talk about it safely, really helps a lot. Hope to hear from you again soon Brett!

Jt

Hi and thanks for the reply JT.

Im glad your going ok ,certainly sounds like youve been busy and that can be good for us. I understand about the spiralling thoughts of past relationships and other issues i do that too. I think we tend to look back at things with a different mind set which can cloud the facts about how things actually were at the time.

I guess my worry about my friends comes from the fact that ive always been a people pleaser and also that ive spent a fair bit of time volunteering at my footy club and as a result my friends have been like family. I guess suddenly not being there as much i worry that ive turned my back on them now that i have a partner. Your advice that we are responsible for our own happiness is good and i think a true friend wants the best for there friends. Being a people pleaser and worrying what others think of me has been a burden to carry for me.

The covid thing has been hard its just such a constant grind of having to change so much of how we go about life.The constant bad news of it does wear me down. I dont like confrontation and the aggression with the protests is very sad.

Thanks JT. Have a great day and hope to hear from you soon. Brett.

covid isolation is hurting many people

reach out to your friends through phone calls, writing paper letters in snail mail, or connect over facebook, or other social media.

use the 21st century techniques of social connection to be closer to your friends even you are physically apart.

it is the way of sports clubs to utilise volunteers as much as possible and just say "thanks"

what more does anyone need for their heart felt labours... thanks!

Thanks David n Goliath.

Yeh i agree with reaching out and i try to do that as much as possible. Ive ditched facebook of late as sometimes it all gets a bit full on and negative at times. Thanks for checking in. I hope your all good .

Brett.