Hi all! I am a frequent reader of These forums and struggling a bit at the moment so thought I would reach out.
I am a third year uni student who has a wonderful family, great home and loves what she studies. And yet for some reason I struggle to go on. I have had depression and anxiety for the past few years and it always gets worse when I’m studying.
There is a lot of pressure to do well and get a job at the end of this, so it is hard to not judge myself or feel guilty when I can’t study. But my brain won’t let me!! I’m a chronic over thinker, and always end up spiralling pretty quickly once I begin to doubt myself.
There is a history of mental illness in my family, and I have been on anti-depressants for years. I’ve recently started seeing a new psychologist because I know CBT doesn’t work for me and I genuinely want to get better! We are working on some mindfulness and ACT but it’s hard to remember to do the practice or to actually want to do them.
I am cynical and judgemental, but only towards myself. I am always feeling so guilty and ashamed when I freak out and end up just having a guilty nap to calm down, which works but then I feel like I’ve wasted time.
I know I am sick and need to have self-compassion towards myself, but I can’t help feeling that in the real world life doesn’t just stop when you get sick. I can’t see any way through this but just to suck it up and push through. I am waiting for my life to have meaning so it doesn’t feel like I am just going through the motions.
I have identified one of my problems being that I am driven by approaching life as a to do list. That means I finish my essay tick, get to uni tick, eat lunch tick, go for a run tick, do a meditation tick- so I’m not really getting what I want out of these actions, just getting through them!
i just want to know if anyone has some suggestions for self compassion and how to stop living my life like a to do list and try to actually enjoy something/be in the moment every once in a while!
i hope you all are doing well and that someone can sympathise, in the past reading these threads and seeing someone felt just like me and got though it really helped!
sorry this is long,