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Forums / Young people / 15 year old daughter help

Topic: 15 year old daughter help

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. mbomb
    mbomb avatar
    13 posts
    13 March 2021
    Hi, my heart is broken writing this. My 15 year old beautiful daughter has always struggled with friendships. She is smart, funny, confident and has a huge heart. Girls and friendships seem to destroy her and her confidence is low. She has severe anxiety and panics about not performing well in exams. She has been with the same friendship group for 2 years. I thought they were supportive but yesterday they wouldnt tell her where they were and when she found them the 3 girls told her that they didnt want her in their group any more and they have felt this way for months. They said they are sick of her blaming her mental health on them, which she never has apart from saying to them recently that all the fighting wasnt helping her mental health. They have blocked her, deleted all pictures etc etc, telling people etc. The school are very supportive and I have managed to get a diagnosis of anxiety at the drs and she is on the list for counselling. She cried for 2 hours last night asking what was wrong with her. Luckily I sensed some problems a while a go and suggestd she widened her group which she did so thankfully she has some good support of others for school. I have explained her accountability in it all as I believe she can be very instense and obviously with her anxieties maybe it was all too much for them but I dont understand how girls can be so cruel. She adored one girl in particular and this girl came with her own issues and didnt like my daughter having other friends or being picked for things at school. I have been hugging her, telling her that counselling will help and that she is an amazing person but I am just broken.
  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    12997 posts
    13 March 2021 in reply to mbomb

    Mbomb

    welvome to the forum. Thanks for your post but it must have been so hard to write, As parents we want our children to have friends and be happy.want to protect them from being hurt.

    Teenagers can be cruel to each other.

    when I was 12 and in year 7 I was in a small group and one day they told me I was not part of the group. I had no other friends as everyone was in groups. I was so sad .

    I met one of the girls from the group on FB and she had no memory of me being kicked out of the groups but said girls can be cruel. Apparently a year later the group broke up

    Decades later I still think about not being part of the friendship group but everyone has forgotten.

    You are being supportive and helpful . Teenagers all have their own problems and insecurities and maybe don’t have the maturity if your daughter.

    I am glad she has support at school. Yiu are listening and acknowledging her sadness and taking her tears seriously. You had the insight to get her to expand her friendship groups.

    You need to look after yourself as it can be tiring. supporting your daughter.

    Do you have some one you can talk to.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. mbomb
    mbomb avatar
    13 posts
    13 March 2021 in reply to quirkywords
    Thank you so much for your kind words. She cried for 2 hours last night and said she wants to still be friends. Today was better but I suspect Monday going back it is all going to hit again. She has been sharing things that have been happening for the last few months with the main "ring leader". Not wanting her to be friends with others, not sharing positively when she gets picked for leadership roles etc. We have talked and talked today, hugged, laughed. I so want to take away her pain. I have people I can talk to thankfully and have held my tears in until she is not around then cried. Girls can be so incredibly cruel and have no idea the impact of the way they act can affect someone with anxiety or choose not to care.
  4. 79bec
    79bec avatar
    1 posts
    13 March 2021 in reply to mbomb
    This sounds so similar to my girls age 15 and 17amd myself at the same age, both have been diagnosed with ASD is the last few weeks. Have you looked at what Autism looks like in girls? It may be worth some investigation
  5. mbomb
    mbomb avatar
    13 posts
    14 March 2021 in reply to 79bec
    Hi, just looked up that and no she doesnt fit into any of the signs mentioned.
  6. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    12997 posts
    14 March 2021 in reply to mbomb

    mbomb

    it is so hard to see our children whether they are teenagers or adults suffering because how others treat them unfairly.

    Your daughter is lucky to have you as such a supportive and informed mum.

    79bec thanks for using your first post to reply to some one else. Welcome to the forum.

  7. Isabella_
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    Isabella_ avatar
    152 posts
    18 March 2021 in reply to mbomb

    Hello. I've only recently graduated high school so hopefully I can help with a bit of insight.

    It's not surprising to realise that empathy sadly isn't innate in everyone, and is something that can radically grow with life experience. But more than that, mental health struggles are still heavily stigmatised, and misunderstood by people my age. Combine this with immaturity and high school, and you have a picture of someone 'only being attention seeking', or 'having a sook'. It's really rough.

    From my experience in friendships, I'm lucky enough to have a pretty good understanding of how complex mental health struggles are. My best friend would feel dismissed in my friend group, because she would blame her rude behaviour to others on her mental health struggles which would really put people off. While she was struggling with her mental health at the time, in no way could this justify her behaviour, and she rarely took accountability for this.

    In every young persons life, they will have more forgiving and understanding friends that are genuine, and others that are flat out cruel. But I think it comes down to perspective, from what it sounds like, your daughter doesn't have the kind of friends that would have the compassion to understand where she's coming from - this could be cruel, or it could be naivety and immaturity and they're perceiving that she's selfish.

    If in any case your daughter has said something in the wrong way that have made her friends do this - being rejected the way she has is in no way her fault, and she deserves a whole lot better, friends who are understanding and compassionate. Remind her that not everyone is compatible, and that what her friends have done reflect infinitely on them, not her or her anxiety. I hope that they have the hearts to work it out with each other and are mature enough to take accountability. And if this isn't the case, then she is much better off finding new friendships and salvaging the ones that are worth it from the group.

    Your daughter is only young, I've had counselling and treatment at 15 and it was very helpful for me. Please remind her that being excluded is just an awful part of high school, it doesn't reflect on her mental health struggles, and there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with her.

    You're an amazing parent for coming on here to discuss this, and it really seems like your daughter has an amazing support system and will move down a much better path.

    I'm wishing you and her my best, Bella

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