I feel for you so much as you face the mind altering experience of depression. Based on my own experience with depression, I can relate how seriously bad things can get. Btw, if there's one thing I'm so glad to have failed at it would be my attempt to leave this world, when I hit the absolute depths of my depression, some years back. The reason is based on the fact that I would have missed out on all I've experienced between coming out of my depression and now. I wouldn't have had any of it. Right up to the moment before coming out of my 15 or so years in depression, I never believed I'd ever come out of it. You never know what will bring you out. You just never know until you meet with it.
I've come to use the analogy of a well, when I think of depression. While you can't feel yourself entering in and you don't necessarily feel the first so many meters down, at some point you begin to feel it. And when you meet with people who know what the absolute depths feels like or what absolute rock bottom feels like, they'll relate to it as the feeling of 'absolute overwhelming despair'. Nothing compares to that feeling, nothing. While I was a gal who drank while I was down there, to numb the feelings that come with that experience, I can now relate to how depressing drinking can get. With the experts declaring alcohol as a depressant, based on what it does to our way of thinking and our chemistry, I can relate to the natural impact it has. It stops us from feeling the depressing challenges that are pushing hard for change. Sounds a little strange but one of the reasons I no longer drink is so I can feel what's depressing. I need to feel it in order to remove such depressing factors from my life. If I can't feel the push to change things, such things remain.
'So sick of who I am' is something else I can relate to, even these days. Throw a 'because' in there and it changes things up, perhaps offering a little more clarity. 'I'm so sick because of who I am'. For example, if I am sick of having no constructive guidance in my life, I am sick because I'm someone who isn't 'A seeker of constructive guidance'. Plenty of destructive guidance out there, btw. If I'm sick of the job I'm in, I'm sick because I'm not 'A job seeker, of a different job'.
I recall, in the moment of coming out of depression, the question I asked myself, 'If I am not my depression (with all its traits) then who am I?'. I had no idea.
A strange question perhaps, 'Do you know who you are?'