Hi all

I know a while back there was a thread with some jokes on it - just to try and lighten the load for folk and to provide a few jolly japes and spiffy spifferoons (those words etched in my memory bank from the late and great Kenny Everitt).  However, I was far to lazy to try and find the other thread, so thought I'd start up a new one WJW.

Here we go people, something to start you off with:

"When I was a small boy, I had a dog named Tax.  I'd open the door and "Income Tax""

"That very same year, I had a bird called Enza.  I'd open the window and "Influenza"

Now, they can't be done on any other day - for it is after all, Worst Joke Wednesday.

See if you can beat either of those?

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

Hi Neil,

In preparation for tomorrow...

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that! 

Happy Wednesday eve;)

AGrace

Ok, it's started - and we're not quite there yet, but in some part of the world, it must be Wednesday:

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?...Bison!

What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia? ANSWER: Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

& one more because, well, why not:

What award did the inventor of the door knocker win? Answer: The No-Bell prize.

YOU'RE ALL GONNA MISS ME WHEN I'M AWAY, AREN'T YOU?    Ahhhh, no I hear the collective groans!  :)

Wednesdays nearly over so I thought id try and sneak another one in. 

Enjoy you holiday Neil:) Im off to Langkawi soon, cant wait!!

Dear AGrace;   as unofficial President of WJW - I have to say that your last joke actually does meet the criteria of all things involved with WJW - I actually LAUGHED at it and thought, that's pretty funny.  Definitely not a WJW.

You know I'm going to have to google Langkawi, aren't i.

So without furtherado, I bring you some more WJW:

Why did the turkey cross the road? Answer: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? Answer: He wanted to see time fly.
What did the cookie say to the watermelon? Answer: Nothing, cookies can't talk.

Dear friends - Wednesday is still some 6 1/2 hours away from finishing - guess what, I'll be back.  :)

Still Wednesday by 2 hours so:

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Answer: Finding half a worm.

&

Psychiatrist to chicken: "Why do YOU think you cross the road?"

Now dear folk - I will be away for the next 4 or so Wednesday's - I'm feeling quite emotional about this, as I'm feeling that a tradition has started.  KEEP it alive.  AGrace has done some great stuff here - in my opinion in one joke it was TOO great, but that's all good.

Keep the dream/spirit alive.

Neil

Dear Neil

Have a great holiday, enjoy, relax and don't worry about us.

Will miss you and your funny posts/jokes!! No truly, I will miss you and your support you have given me. But I know I have others on here who will be here for me,

Take care, have a fantastic time

Your friend

Jo xx

It's Wednesday.  You know what that means...

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Scotch and ...........................Coke please.'

" Sure thing. " The bartender says "But what's with the big pause?"

The panda raises his arms and replies, "Oh these? I as born with them."

And one more...

I walked into a bookstore and asked the assistant where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

I know, I should be ashamed.

GA

Hi GA,

Neil will be so pleased that you've kept up his tradition;) ...I loved your 2nd joke!

So in true medicinal style here's one more...

How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? 

Just one, so long as the light bulb *wants* to change

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!

AG

Hi All,

Wednesday was a busy one, so this is coming in a day late...

Why is Cinderella no good at sports?  

Because her coach is a pumpkin, and she is always running away from the ball!

Hope you all had a lovely Wednesday, and Happy Thursday!!

AG

Hi guys,

I'll put this one in for today, has anyone else got a terrible (or funny) joke they would like to share today? It's the middle of the week so a bit of humor would be nice to help us progress just that little bit closer to the weekend!!

What's the difference between ignorance and Apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

I've also got a bit of a riddle for you to problem solve if you want to give your mind a rest from all the thoughts you've been having today...

In a one-story pink house, there was a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower– everything was pink!

Q: What color were the stairs?

Have fun!!

AG

Very funny D&D! Thanks for contributing. No doubt we all look better in person;)

Hi Guys,

It's Wednesday, so time for some lousy jokes, just what you need if you're feeling a bit down today:)

''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''  

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' "Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''      

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.  How much do I owe you?" said the woman. "$345" the vet replied. "$345?!!!", "Yes, $45 for the consult and $300 for the cat scan."

Ok, see if you can add to this:)

Not my best efforts, but in honour of Neils spirit:

A police officer caught two kids playing with a car battery and a firework. He charged one and let the other one off.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? 

Just one, to hold the light bulb in place as the world revolves around him.

Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

GA

Not great at telling jokes, but enjoy picking up anecdotes that amuse me.

Such as the very exclusive cbd apartments which wouldn't allow pets. However a lady living there had a cat and tried hiding any signs, including by emptying the cat litter down the toilet.

Cat litter eventually hit a point in the pipes where it built up... and two floors of very expensive apartments were flooded with sewerage.

All that for not allowing one cat!

My jokes tend to be a bit long-winded so I found a couple of shorty breezy ones.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hall. One hat says to the other "You stay here, I''ll go on a head.

Q Why did the bicycle fall over?

A Because it was two-tired.

I know it's Thursday but I missed yesterday.

Hi guys,

rather than a joke, I thought I'd share an interesting sign that I stumbled across at an exhibition recently. It read:

"Please don't touch yourself. Let us help you try it out."

Have a fantastic Wednesday night!!

Here's my contribution:

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?

He's alright now.

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. “Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” “OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” “Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.” When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” “Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!"

GA

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

And one last one to ruin the top two, as they were quite good:

What did one chimney say to the other?   You're too young too smoke.

Hi Neil,

Very funny!!

Ok so here goes another...

One in four people have a mental illness.

So think of your 3 closest friends, if they seem ok, then you are the one:)

Hi AJ,

Thanks for keeping Neil's tradition alive. 

I used to drink all brands of beer. 

Now, I am older Budweiser!

Ok, so I'm like a day late, but better late than never.

A man goes into a Dr's and says, "Wig-wam".   The Doc examines him and tells him to come back tomorrow.  The man does and says to the Doc:  "TeePee".

The Doc says, "Ahhhh, now I see what's wrong with you - you're too tense" (tents)

:)

ps:  Amber, LOVED your Budweiser one.    And thanx AJ also for chipping in.

I keep forgetting it's Wednesday until it's Thursday. Does that count as a joke?  Perhaps not!

A girl was talking to someone at a party and discovered he was a psychiatrist. She was excited and asked him how he could tell if someone was clever.

"Well", he said, "I usually ask them a question like this. Captain Cook sailed round the world three times. On one of his voyages he was killed. Which one was it?"

The girl sighed. "Oh, I don't know. I was never very good at history."

Hi LING,

No doubt it was Wednesday somewhere around the world:)

I had to read your joke 3 times before I got it...I'll have to put myself in that not so clever basket!!! It's been a long day.

Psh.  They may have sailed him around the world in his casket once or twice.

I just want to encourage and thank you guys for posting this thread.it put a small smile on my face the other night when I needed it most so thank you...