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Forums / Grief and loss / Five weeks after my stepfather died my son passed away

Topic: Five weeks after my stepfather died my son passed away

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Kizzels
    Kizzels avatar
    7 posts
    17 May 2016

    Hi,

    I am new to forums and this is my first ever post. I'm not sure what I am hoping for but two years ago I lost my mum very quickly and unexpectedly. Then in January this year mum's husband passed away. His death stired up the loss of mum again and I thought losing mum was the hardest lost I would ever have to endure - I was wrong! Five weeks after my stepfather died my son passed away. That phone call was my worse nightmare coming true and after the autopsy to find out his death could have been prevented if the people he was staying with would have called for medical assistance makes it all that much worse. I am trying to find a balance with my youngest son, I am trying to not smother him but I don't want him to feel as though I am not always there for him either. Myself, I am totally lost and can't find any enthusiasm to do anything and have been off work since my son died. If anyone has gone through something similar or even lost a child, I could really use any words of wisdom. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral and can't seem to get a grip on my way down. I know my life has changed forever and I am not ever going to be the same person but I don't know how to get through this. My children have always been my life.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9377 posts
    17 May 2016 in reply to Kizzels

    Hi kizzel welcome

    No Wonder you are struggling. Grief is such a difficult thing to jump over and your dedication level to your family is extraordinary.

    Time, time is a sort of healer. Don't expect miracles early.

    Tokens, I'm sure you have them as reminders if your passed family members scattered around. Cherish them, frame them.

    Wait until you have good days before you venture out to shop then when you do, enjoy it. Those days will return more often.

    Your young son needs you in his life. He, like me when I was 23yo, has lost his brother. Its OK to be open with your grief with him and anyone else but they need you for their grief as well.

    Everyone's grief is uniquely theirs. Feel no guilt not working. Feel no guilt that its taking a long time. Its OK.

    Rest.

    Listen to my favourite YouTube video....google YouTube maharaji prem rawat sunset...and his others.

    Don't tolerate people that are taxing on you. Calmly tell them it isn't a good time.

    Like when you have good days keep busy. Take up a hobby. Sport? Badminton, etc...wait for those days, they will come.

    Thank your son and others for their patience.

    There is no magic answer but...you have been a wonderful mum....you still are....and you always will be

    Tony WK

  3. Kizzels
    Kizzels avatar
    7 posts
    19 May 2016 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    Thank you for your kind words. I have been lucky with the support my friends have given me but they don't understand the heartbreak of losing a child, thank goodness. I am trying to keep myself busy, I have a new puppy that demands a lot of time and my son with his water polo, airforce cadets and phsycology appointments, plus he has not managed to attend school for an entire week since his brother died.

    i am, however, struggling with not wanting to move past the day my eldest son died. I seem to be frozen in time and can't get a foothold in life again.

    Kizzels

  4. Mal50
    Mal50 avatar
    48 posts
    19 May 2016 in reply to Kizzels

    Hello Kizzles, I'm truly sorry for your tragic loss. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. Our youngest son had a severe brain trauma when he was only 3, and the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. Our boy did survive but is partially paralysed, but the realisation that we might lose him was agonisingly painful. I hope I never ever feel such pain again.

    sincere regards: Mal

  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    15560 posts
    19 May 2016 in reply to Kizzels
    hello Kizzels, I sincerely want to offer my deepest condolences to you, I can't imagine the thought of something like this to happen and then try to cope with your ongoing life, but I'm proud that you have come to this site, where no doubt all of us have a soft spot for you.
    There will your days when you feel better than the previous day and unfortunately this will be the case for awhile, but those good days are what you have to try and build on, and there will be no explanation why you have those terrible days, even though you will know why, and we will also know why and that's where we understand how you feel.
    Your other son must be feeling the same pressure as you are, but he will probably keep it quiet to himself and won't be able to open up until he is ready, but when he does go to school he will get much support, but perhaps this could be too overwhelming for him all at once, so it maybe a good idea to go and see the principle, but I know that even doing this will be extremely difficult for you.
    You are entitled to feel free to open up yourself, there's no shame at all, because you have had some absolutely awful news so please show your emotions.
    Try and keep busy as you say, enjoy the antics of what your puppie gets up to, it won't fill the spot left, but what it will do is to take you to another part of your emotions that you do love, just as your other son will also find other some comfort.
    Please reply back to us. Geoff.
  6. Kizzels
    Kizzels avatar
    7 posts
    19 May 2016 in reply to geoff

    Thank you for your support. My youngest is slowly getting back to school but his anxiety and depression does hit him hard. He did pretty much miss the entire first term due to the death of his grandfather in January and then of course his brother 5 weeks later, in February. I have been unit the school a couple of times to chat with the principle and the school has been amazing with the support and leaniency they have shown him. I have been trying to keep him occupied with sport, cadets and councilloring. I am luck with the fact that I have always had a open relationship with my boys and they have always been able to come and chat with me no matter what, so he does feel comfortable coming to me and telling me if he is having a bad day.

    I, on the other hand, am finding that people are getting board with me and that I seem to be caught in a position where I don't want to move forward but know I have to.

    Over the last 2 years I have not only lost 2 parents and a son, we have also lost 2 dogs to old age (we lost our Lab 1 mth after we buried my son) and the boys each had some small animals, all of which also have passed away, so 8 deaths with family and pets in 2 years. It is just too much for any family, what's left of us. 😞

  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15560 posts
    20 May 2016 in reply to Kizzels
    dear Kizzels, I know the pain that all of you are going through and please believe me when I say this, and with keeping him involved sport cn always be a great stimulus for him, especially if that is his specific favourite.
    I am so pleased that he will come to you when he's not feeling well, and that's the important link here, because there maybe topics that he is a bit hesitant in talking about, and that's no different to how other teenagers behave.
    Don't feel worried if you believe that other people are getting bored with you, if could just be how you are thinking yourself, like we all do.
    On top of all this very sad and unfortunate tragedies and then to lose your two dogs would make you wonder 'please tell me why', as I've lost both my parents and a dog I had for 18 years, and that's why I say 'I know the pain you are going through'.
    Please keep in touch with us because that's what I would like. Geoff. x

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