Dear Ms D, I am so very sorry to hear about your dad.....There are no words that can come close to what you are going through. I dont know how you feel Ms D. I still have my dad. I have lost my big brother years ago and it still effects me now. And yes...you are right...it seems to get harder with the chronic sadness, lack of sleep and concentration let alone feeling physically sick. I remember the feeling of dread and loss from 1983 and its awful.
You mentioned that he was a amazing man....and Grand Dad too (it must be difficult for your boys as well)
The fact that you were so very close speaks volumes about your grief Ms D. You have also been caring and there for your dad during his 10 year illness. I have never gone through a protracted period of decline with anyone le alone a parent.
It seems futile even saying this to you right now in your early stages of grieving Ms D......and for that I apologise to you sincerely. Your grieving will continue.....however...you (and your boys) are so very fortunate to have had such a strong bond with your dad I envy that bond.....because I wish I had/have such a strong bond.
Not being able able to process what you are feeling is the Love you had for your dad (not to mention his illness for 10 years)
Just politely asking you if you have a support network of any type? (Family...a friend?) I have two people that I can bounce off....do you have anyone you can lean on in this difficult time? If you have or havent please write back.
I hope you do Ms D , and very strong of you to jump on here and reach out.....Your spirit is strong....Well Done!
Enough words from me....My name is Paul and my sincere condolences for the loss of your dad....
If i may...can I send a hug to you?
Be gentle to yourself Ms D