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Forums / Grief and loss / Never done this before

Topic: Never done this before

  1. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3364 posts
    25 June 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    I am finding this situation of "grief" very strange and inconsistent. I feel out of control about everything pertaining to my life....death of my partner, CoVid restrictions especially state borders preventing me seeing my sons, continuing my social activity and much loved hobby (which involves crowds, but we are not "protestors" so we're not allowed to gather ) crashing my car, and continuing to have nightmares......is like the grief is compounded and added to by these other events.

    I have no one to turn to. I lost my partner last month so no one refers to it any more or asks how I am. No one touches me. My GP said she would refer me to a grief counsellor, but I am hoping this can be done face to face, not over the phone. I need face to face....will it be face to face do you think?

    after I've had a nightmare the next day I am confused, useless and non communicative...numb. It's been over a month....when will I be through it?

  2. blondguy
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    25 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello Moon

    you have been through so much....the loss of a loved partner...crashing your car..nightmares....ugh

    Since there is no such thing as a dumb question on the forums....can I ask one?...What do you think about making a double appointment with your best GP and having a real talk? I bet you will feel better Moon...You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so x

    I used to have awful nightmares when I was in the family court and I was a mess the next day....confused..useless...numb and non communicative....I feel and understand your pain Moon

    Bear Hugs...and then some :-)

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Moonstruck
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    26 June 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Thanks Paul

    I have made the appointment with my GP as she suggested, so I can get the referral to a grief counsellor. I would rather spend the longer time with the counsellor than the GP as I know her primary responsibility is people's physical ailments, especially with the Corona hysteria....

    thank you for the bear hug....God I wish it was real, and not just a virtual one. If our Premier allows my son over the border I will hug him and never let him go......

    2 people found this helpful
  4. blondguy
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    28 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hey Moon

    You are very strong...seriously

    Good on you for being so proactive with your health and doing your best to cope after everything you have been through. The Bear hug was real! I joined the forums in Jan 2016 and have never used the word 'virtual'...until just now :-)

    my kindest always

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3364 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Thank you Paul....you're so kind to me always. I have been wondering something...regarding grief and when a close friend or well known associate loses someone close e.g. partner, as I have, someone who loved them.....why do the majority of their friends suddenly "disappear".

    Don't they care? Didn't they like me very much in the first place? No one rings me just to say "How are you going...are you handling things OK? Do you need to talk?".......I let an old close friend of more than 30 years know the news via email when it happened....and he replied at once of course.....and since then...nothing!

    Another long time friend rang me that day and we spoke at length...since then...nothing! My neighbours with whom I get along fine and knew my partner as well.....nothing. No one ever mentions him. It's as if the death never occurred at all. It's as if I am the same person as I was a couple of months ago...the person they've always known.....except....I'm not!

    If someone were to ask sincerely and seriously "How are you? How does this feel and are you doing OK?"...I would burst into tears and wish with all my being they would put their arms around me and comfort me. No one ever asks. Maybe I have been guilty of doing this exact same thing? I am not ascribing "blame"or criticism here...this is all new to me.....I am just wondering why human nature seems to be this way...any clues?

    1 person found this helpful
  6. blondguy
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    30 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hey Moon

    I hear you loud and clear when some people dont call us after the loss of a loved one....and it does seem like we have been 'kicked to the curb' so to speak

    Thats an excellent question Moon....it is common for some people to 'break contact' so they can grieve as you may be a solid reminder of the person you were close to....Just my humble opinion

    Human nature can sometimes work in ways that arent in our best interests.....that said....I dont think it would be a huge ask to have one person text you and say 'How are You?' after what you have been through with the loss of your partner Moon

    kindest always Moon

    Paul

  7. Moonstruck
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    3364 posts
    22 August 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Dear all....he died in May and it seems the overwhelming grief is just hitting me now. In past few weeks I cry so easily..sadness everywhere. No beauty anywhere..my beautiful ocean, palm trees sand and flawless blue sky are all bland and devoid of pleasure.

    Who will love me now? CoVid drama and turmoil have added to the ugliness of the world and my emptiness...how do I fill the emptiness. I am just a walking she'll.. no person inside...how do I get "her" back again..where has she gone?

  8. Ggrand
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    22 August 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon,

    Loosing someone we love is hard..and we grieve differently and their is no time timid to start grieving or end grieving...that is if it ever ends...A part of us go with them...and a part of them stay with us...It’s learning to live with our missing part that’s not at all easy....

    In the 38 years that I was married, we kept our school friends and their spouses in our lives...I should say my late hubby’s school friends...I got on good with them all..Once my husband passed away, that’s 7 years now..not one of them has contacted me...One of these “friends” was mine from school, who married my husband’s friend....Are they scared to talk to us now, because they don’t know how to, without bringing our partner/husband into a conversation and hurting us...Do they feel awkward toward talking to us..I don’t know...

    Dear Moon...You have not that long ago lost your partner..Please don’t be hard on yourself...it might take some time to look at the ocean, palm trees, sand and a flawless blue sky..on your own and see the beauty in it..I promise you that the beauty is still their to be seen by you and to give you pleasure....but atm it’s hidden by grief, sadness and uncertainty...

    Moon..you are still their...inside of you....when she is ready..she will come back...

    I’m sorry Moon that I cannot take away your pain or help you very much..I really wish I could...

    Dear Moon, we all care so much for you...and are here for you...Talk if you need to and feel up to it..

    Sending you my care, and some gentle warm hugs..🤗.

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Moonstruck
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    3364 posts
    22 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    What a gentle loving person you are Grandy. Thank you for the comforting words. as my thread says in its title, I have never done this before....I have lost elderly relatives, parents, acquaintances of course as I get older myself...but not a partner, not this kind of relationship...I don't know what to expect of myself, or if I am being too weak, or trying to be too strong.....or making it worse by taking it easy instead of pushing myself to keep busy...I don't know the right way to do this!!

    Do I keep busy or do I rest when I feel like it? Is it just an excuse to be "lazy"? These are all things I don't know...I don't know if I am doing it "right".....Love from Moon S

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Ggrand
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    22 August 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello Dear Moon...

    My first time was with my late husband...I married him at 18 years old and lost him when I was 57...even though he was a narcissist...I still loved him...and still miss him...

    I had no support after a month...My sons had to get back to their lives..and I was left alone...to manage myself...so many tears, confusion, on what I should be doing...

    I just done the best I could...If I felt like doing nothing..I did nothing..if I wanted to cry....I cried...I went with my heart the best I could...He controlled every aspect of my life...I was so afraid of my future and me...

    Moon...Honestly sweetheart...I think go with your feelings and do what you think is best for your soul...There is no right way nor wrong way....there is only your way...If you want to play sport..play it..If you want to be busy....be busy...if you want to relax...just relax...most importantly if you need to cry....Please Dear Moon...cry as much as your soul needs to....

    Moon..expect nothing of yourself except for giving yourself, some compassion, some care, some kindness towards yourself....and time for your soul and heart to heal..

    Sending you Kind thoughts..and more warm comforting hugs..🤗...

    Grandy....

    1 person found this helpful
  11. quirkywords
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    23 August 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon, Grandy ahs offered supportive and kind suggestions.

    I think that you go with your feelings, your gut instinct. No rules as has been said before, for grieving.

    You probably feel empty and directionless you have lost your compass. You may feel lost.

    It is still very early days and accepting what is happening is the gift you can give yourself.
    Like many of us you maybe overthinking things. Instead of how will I be, can you just be.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Moonstruck
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    3364 posts
    24 August 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    What is beginning to be obvious to me is that...nothing seems to "touch" me any more. Nothing seems to have meaning, or has much of an impact on me. I don't seem to react the way I used to...no enthusiasm. No motivation or anticipation about anything. Just going through the motions of existing and being as little bother to others as possible.

    Don't even care if I never speak to another person all day...breathe sigh of relief when darkness falls (always was a "night person" anyway) and no one can see me...the later it gets the better...less chance of anyone contacting me. I want no interaction with others at all.

    I cry so very easily, like a little child. a real cry-baby. went to the ocean and so many places are around where we used to walk, sit and talk, the club verandah overlooking the sea where I'd look up and he'd wave from up there already waiting for me......I could see him walking in the distance on his long morning beach-walk, a tiny speck which got clearer as he became closer...sometimes the speck would be so tiny I couldn't be sure it was him...but I knew the way he swung his arms as he walked....magic moments. No one told me they would never return. so why did they happen at all?

    what was the point? answer is, there is no point. No answer at all. Our mothers foolishly reproduced the species....and here we all are...with a "life"... thanks to a brief biological moment between a male and a female and we carry that "gift" they gave us until we can carry it no longer......we had no say in it at all.

  13. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    26 August 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello Moon

    You are so very unhappy and I grieve for you. There is no way through this morass except by going through it. It does stink a bit I know. I left my husband after 20 years and I still miss being with him. There is still grief for what might have been. I had not realised how much he controlled my life and once I left I was unsure how I would manage. Not very well at the start but I learned as I went along.

    My grief for my mom's death was overwhelming and I cried for months. It's OK to do this. Keeping it all choked up is exhausting. Cry when you need to. Tears can bring healing. Have you thought of holding a kind of memorial for your husband? Not immediately but sometime. Perhaps a gathering of family and friends at your home. Bring out the photo albums, talk about past events, cry if you need, remember family jokes. It helps to remember the good things though you may feel sad for the future loss.

    That feeling of being lost and alone is one of the steps towards more comfort. Please do not try to recapture your feelings. They will return in a while. So much pain, anger, loss and devastation will come and go for a while. Let them happen, wash over you and dissipate. It's not easy I know but you will get through this slowly.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Moonstruck
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    3364 posts
    15 September 2020 in reply to White Rose

    You see, it takes me by surprise....these waves of immense sadness (is it grief?) he died back in May. This morning on the car radio they played "Try to Remember"...an old song that goes "try to remember, the kind of September when life was sweet and oh so mellow...try to remember the kind of September when grass was green and grain was yellow....." it's very moving with a kind of melancholy running through it....urging the listener to "try and remember" what "it" was like.

    Out of the blue...I dissolved into floods of tears, pouring down my face as I drove. I yelled out "I can't do this any more"....(cars are good like that, you can scream your fury and rage).

    Does anyone know who has lost a long-time partner, a person who loved them so so much....how long this lasts? It's not every day.....so why did this happen when that harmless old song played on the radio?? How much longer do I dissolve without warning into floods of tears??? I drove to the beach and sat on top of a hill looking at the ocean, tears running down my face!!! How much longer?

    1 person found this helpful
  15. quirkywords
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    15 September 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon

    the answer is no one knows and it will ebb and flow.

    The unpredictability of grief or loss can be hard to plan for.

    I have cried in the freezer section of supermarket but no cried oat funeral.

    I cried over a song honest lullably by joan baez and have no idea why!!

    2 people found this helpful
  16. blondguy
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    15 September 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon!

    There is no time limit on grieving....unfortunately. It is a horrible period of time to go through

    Bear Hugs and understanding always

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Quercus
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    17 September 2020 in reply to blondguy
    Hi Moonstruck,

    I've nothing useful to add to what others are saying already.

    Quirky wrote about the frozen food isle and I agree too. Grief just seems to hit whenever it wants to. I always seem to break down when I'm alone in the car. No idea why.

    Just wanted to say I'm listening too and care.

    ❤️Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Moonstruck
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    3364 posts
    26 September 2020 in reply to Quercus

    Dear friends....firstly thank you for your loving words and support....believe me, they are most appreciated and help. What has been interesting is other people's words, reactions..or lack of etc during this time....also how I myself react to them....yes I guess "interesting" is as good a word as any. It's all been so "new"...

    e.g. earlier today an acquaintance/neighbour told me "your bigggest problem is boredom" then proceeded to tell me I should volunteer for various things to "get me out of the house and my mind on other things" etc....she then listed the places I should contact re volunteering (as I am retired now) "you have too much time on your hands".....everything she said made sense and she was probably right!!!

    But...and here's the big "but".....since our conversation I have felt "less than"...."inadequate, boring, not doing it right, a failure, etc".

    The conversation began with my saying how good I felt the night before to be with a group of old friends again (our activities had been severely curtailed and stopped altogether due to Covid restrictions) and that I almost "didn't feel like coming home again".....that's when she told me where I should volunteer and my "big problem was boredom".

    I felt so inadequate and ashamed......I was all prepared to start ringing organisations etc straight away to prove I was a worthwhile human being. She is a nice person who I am sure meant well.....but this was the result.

    I have felt terrible the rest of the day......is this my own fault? Or was she unwise in her choice of words? Am I too sensitive? Am I handling grief in a weaker way than other people are? She will probably ask me next time she sees me, if I have begun any volunteer work....what will I say?

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Elizabeth CP
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    26 September 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    I think Grief is unpredictable & very different for each person. Different things can trigger quite intense reactions which are hard to explain logically. You asked .is this my own fault Only if it is your fault for being human with normal human emotions!!! As for being weaker than others NO. I lost my father 30 years ago and every so often things pop up which reignite the feeling of grief. I am sure she meant well with her advice but she is not in your shoes so doesn't understand exactly what you are experiencing.

    If you think volunteering may help go ahead and organise it because you think it might help but don't do it because someone else said it you should. If you do try volunteering & it doesn't work then you can decide for yourself if you want to keep trying or if you believe it won't help.

    Speaking for myself I'd be really upset if someone told me my problem was boredom & told me to volunteer to keep my mind off things!!! You don't deserve to feel ashamed & inadequate.

    2 people found this helpful
  20. quirkywords
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    26 September 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon

    elizabeth has given you helpful suggestions. I agree do something because you want to not because someone has told.

    it is hard when we say every one grieves individually yet people tell you what to do.
    Do not feel inadequate or ashamed . Please follow your instincts and grieve in your own way.

    A friend of mine was dating 3montbs after her husband to whom she was married for 40 years, died suddenly. She felt that people had not right to judge her and she lost some friends over her decision.
    . Some people felt unless you mourned for a year it wasn’t right.
    I think people think because something helped them grieve that will help every one.

    I think your neighbour thought she was helping and would not imagine the effect her words would have on you

    You know what’s best for yourself.


    1 person found this helpful
  21. Croix
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    27 September 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon~

    There is a big difference between feeling empty because part of you is no longer there and boredom. You already have outside interests and family, and are slowly learning how to come back to life despite that gap in you.

    It can't be rushed.

    Unfortunately people have an urge to fix things ,if they see someone they think is unhappy that may make suggestions in the hope of 'fixing' them -something they simply cannot do, even if they have experienced loss themselves their answer is not your answer. We are all individuals

    You are handling things as well as any other human being can, and that is fine and anyone would be as sensitive, it is not just you.

    If you see her again and she asks say yes you have something (true) but do not feel like talking about it (that's the polite version:) or say we all have our own way of handling things and change the subject.

    You might bear in mind a previous persons thoughts on the matter:

    I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

    If you ever happened to find a voluntary occupation that you enjoyed by all means do it, but only if you actually really enjoy it, otherwise it would not work.

    Hang in there Moon

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Moonstruck
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    3364 posts
    17 October 2020 in reply to Croix

    I wish "it" ...grief...would not hit out of the blue without warning!! as the weather is warming up and quite beautiful today, I went to one of my favourite spots to catch up on some reading and paperwork....also noticed some places that have re opened recently (after being closed due to Covid etc)....with people enjoying themselves.....these were all places he and I used to go to and have wonderful happy times......the places seemed to hit me one after another....oh no, there's that bench, there's that park, there's that view....there's that path we went for walks.....one after another they hit me in the face and the tears just flowed.....

    I hadn't been in a sad mood beforehand.....I'd been looking forward to the pleasant outing to pleasant places...and it was overwhelmingly sad. Will it always be sad? Will I ever be able to enjoy its beauty any more, without him there, and with all those memories? Why didn't I get warning this would happen to me today?

    Instead of staying, I went straight home...then on the car radio they played the worst song they could possibly have played....by that, I mean....the "best" song....a beautiful song, a moving emotional song, a wonderful song, a song I love and it just about killed me........when will the beautiful things stop being so cruel? will they ever be beautiful again? when do the tears stop?

  23. Croix
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    Croix avatar
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    17 October 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon~

    After my first wife passed away my house, particularly the living room, was a place full of emotional traps and greif, I'd look for one wall to the next and see objects she had treasured, or we had bought together and enjoyed, plus a ton of other things, and that was just one room. Very hard.

    Now I'm happy in that room and have been for a very long time, yes there are things that remind me strongly of her, but the laughter, the teasing, giving nieces a hard item. All the good memories with only a smattering of loss.

    So yes it does pass, the grief remains inside and has taken over your life, however it will end up like a pearl, surrounded by other things that happens later.

    You're doing ok - EXCEPT DON'T DRIVE IF OVERWHELMED OR CRYING! You can't see or concentrate in that state. Pull over for a few minutes. Moons are not designed to be road statistics but a queen in her own domain

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful

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