The night is the worst. I can lie in bed and the mind will just go on its own missions. Sometimes I won't even get to sleep regardless of how tired I am.
Sometimes I still dont feel like people can help, but sometimes having one person stick with you after all these posts can give you a bit of hope that maybe people do, and it gives me that reason to come back here and see what is said, and hopefully I can find some strength in it to go to the next day.
I mean, today was another tough night. I have been so down this last week, and tried to take the advice from my counsellor about not saying too much in the home and just letting my family be, and my mum had a go at me for not loving my family or caring enough to speak or say anything. I am just so tired of it all and she just couldnt understand it.
I have to deal with my ex, who despite everyone telling me to be mean and just tell her to bugger off, I can't do that. It's not my nature to be mean. I hurt so much when I think of her, but that does not mean that I need to hurt her too. Why hurt someone just for the sake of it. And to top it off, I can't find anyone which isn't easy but I am not going to go around and ruin her life just because of that. I have pressure at work too. Not performing so well and having to take on a more senior role when I am not even trained for it. Learning on the go basically. I don't have a social circle that I can hang out with and I get excluded from a lot of things by people I thought were friends. I have to deal with the mental pain of my depression daily and sometimes that exacerbates everything else around me. Today I was so close to crying before work with everything that has been going on but could see everyone in my store looking so stressed and pressured, I had to suppress it. Two of the girls eventually broke down during the day, and I was basically trying to keep the store together and get everyone feeling ok, I didn't even have time for myself, and then I come home and get told off. I don't have a significant other I can look forward to coming home to, or friends, or any of that, sometimes it just adds up. Not even sure if that is a coherent rant, but this is the only place I can.
Mini Golf is not as fun, particularly if you go with the wrong company. Was at the range again tonight. Game is still a little off, but much better than when i got back from my trip.