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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Getting to know you...or is that me?

Topic: Getting to know you...or is that me?

  1. Just Sara
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    9 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey Corny! Welcome back lovely...

    You'll be happy to know I have a date tomorrow night! She's around my age and approached me on a dating site you recommended. I did what you said and put my 'new' status in my intro. She's a kind and nature's 'Universal' soul. We have a little in common, but have only been corresponding for a few weeks, so our date will be mainly getting to know each other.

    She's also left it up to me to initiate anything physical or intimate. That's nice, and especially sensitive. I'll let you know how I go. I couldn't have done it without you. 'Summertime Sadness' is one of my fave's. It hits a note with me and is a great song anyway.

    My sweet Dottie;

    Everything you wrote hit home and was on the money. You so get me. While sitting here over coffee and cigarettes, I pondered some more on Sarah Conner's life and associated characters in the movie. The patterns of my life are very similar; not just prior to, but post as well. It didn't trigger, but gave much needed insight into my motives and intent with 'searching' for 'love' so to speak.

    What I got were unemotional 'robots' unable to 'connect' with me; that's Arnie all over. It has me thinking about mind connections and magnetism. The idiot box and movies have a powerful 'pull' when the mind is vulnerable and in pain.

    I planted a seed...it grew and matured into something real and tangible albeit dysfunctional. This tree has taken 23 yrs to be recognised, fed with sadness and fear, its branches reached out across the Universe to find the man I craved thinking he would save me and my suffering son. I received exactly what I asked for...

    It's now time to ask for something else...something functional and lasting...complementary. It's odd how my body doesn't reflect the youthful cravings and daring I carry inside. Getting older creates new feelings and situations, as well as the prospect of 'future'. I want my body to carry out these youthful ideals, but alas reality is heading South if you know what I mean. Ha ha..

    So I'll leave you both with this thought...'This moment is real; not from a movie or stage play. I am who I am in this beautiful moment, a character of my own making becoming the 'woman' I always should've been. That power is mine and only mine'

    I love you both dearly...

    Sara xoxo

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  2. Cornstarch
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    9 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Saraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh........ahhhhh......ahhhhh.....errr....Oink.....Woff......B'kerk!

    I did not do a thing.

    You did it all!!!

    Even if nothing permanent becomes of it I am so incredibly stoked for you!

    Living with these crazy mental health issues, our world shrinks, we start to believe that we have no options, we think that there is something intrinsically wrong with us that nobody would ever want and that we are essentially unlovable. It is so refreshing when we are reminded of how big the world is, and that there are great, interesting, curious, funny, warm, affectionate people out there to get to know and hang with.

    What a mad, mad year it has been.

    I swear to god everything went pear shaped from that April full moon onwards. An apocalypse of sorts (my shrink calls it the nervous break down I always had to have. Thanks pal, don't you hate it when they're right).

    There was something real nasty mad in that April moon, I blame it and the 2 supers that followed. But now it appears it is all turning around. It's the Forest Fairy Dust I brought back with me from the ancient world.

    Stuff 'Summertime Sadness' and in with Summerance I say.

    I simply will not be able to sleep tomorrow night. You will have to funk out to some hot tunes before you go, or even now.

    Crank it up Sista!

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  3. Just Sara
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    9 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    I couldn't let your post go CornSpirit without responding!

    Sometimes we need to slip into the depths of our despair to know we're alive (April)...albeit zombiland eh! Those of us willing to do the work and bare our pain with courage, will come out fighting and born with a new sense of self.

    You wrote:

    'Living with these crazy mental health issues, our world shrinks, we start to believe that we have no options, we think that there is something intrinsically wrong with us that nobody would ever want and that we are essentially unlovable'

    The power of your words never ceases to amaze me Corn-dog! I received a call from my ex a while ago and spoke for an hr. He was full of confidence and drive; traits I saw in him yrs ago, but he didn't know how to express them then. He thanked me for pushing him to accept his greatness and spoke with such passion and respect for me. He admitted his dishonesty and downfalls..it was all a little bit too much to take...

    Your words above sent me back to this time when I felt unlovable and at fault for all his indiscretions. I grieved my loss, not of him, but for the futility of my self loathing at that time. Thankyou for being in my corner...

    Sara xo

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  4. Cornstarch
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    9 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Gosh Sara so 'the past' and 'moving forward' are very much colliding at the moment. You have someone that caused a lot of pain in the past somewhat apologising to you, and another unknown person showing interest and curiosity in the you that is December 2016 all these years later. That's called a crossroads girl, but you've moved on, you're not looking back, there's no choice as such to be made, just a remembering and thinking.

    How exciting.

    I thinks it's nice that your ex acknowledged his passion and respect for you. It's about time. But in terms of admitting his dishonesty and downfalls he's just being an adult. Sorry to be blunt but he doesn't deserve a medal for this. Us traumatised trinnies have this weird tendency to overstate everyone's else's suffering above and beyond our own. We become gushing and fawning if they begin to take some responsibility and if not careful can evangelise them. It's awesome he's done that, but that is called nothing more than growing up. Sorry.

    You also see the same dynamic in co-dependent relationships where there is a domineering damsel in distress who controls the relationship, with a steady stayer. The steady stayer becomes gushing of the damsel's pain to an almost pitiful height. I feel like saying it ain't that bad sugar lips. We've all got hit by the nasty at some point in our lives, she's an adult, stop overstating her pain because the relationship has brought out a side of you that you're not proud of. Forgive yourself so at least you can begin to see clearly.

    Enjoy the tunes Sara what ever you're blasting.

    Remember new brain maps will be firing, so it will feel weird. You have to expect it to feel weird. There is comfort in the familiar but also suffering, because it leaves other options unexplored.

    Good luck my little machine gun felatio, remember that band?

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  5. Just Sara
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    9 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Your words are GOLD!!!

    I still know what he's capable of...only if I allow it!

    "The times...they are a changin'" ...Bob Dylan...Gold!

    Woof...Oink!

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  6. Just Sara
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    9 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara
    btw...no apology necessary; you're right on the money sista!
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  7. Cornstarch
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    9 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    I know I am.

    When we are on the brink of change we need someone who is firm but fair.

    Otherwise you'd scuttle back to what is familiar and known out of fear of change or co-dependecy.

    Was 'Unsent Letter', Machine Gun Felatio's song? Me thinks yes.

    Ciao for now brown cow.

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  8. Guest_322
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    9 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    I'm on my way to work so this will be short (I'll check in later with a longer response some time this weekend).

    All the best with your date tonight! I'm glad you were well advised by the dating guru (Corny).

    Have fun tonight!

    Stay amaze (and hope your date is amaze too)

    Dottie xxx

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  9. Just Sara
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    11 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Hi Corny and D-Girl;

    CS; your words of GOLD held true re my date night. I'm embarrassed and very sad I'm afraid. PTSD has struck with a vengeance and holding back tears is difficult.

    I met the most incredibly beautiful and intelligent woman, who held my gaze and wonder with humour, confidence and gentleness. When the time came for intimacy, her kind and patient words made me even more confused. Oh Corny I'm in trouble...

    I'm so damaged and feel deeply unworthy of her. I haven't been here before; in the presence of such 'functional' level-headed compassion and wisdom. My normally over stimulated libido went MIA and was replaced by numb indifference. WT*!

    Speaking of wanting to recede into previous co dependent thinking and behaviour! Walking away from her, seeing her face full of empathy and 'wanting', bought a paradox of relief and pain. I'm shell-shocked!

    Damn! I have to go. I'll be back later to continue.

    Luv ya!

    Sara xoxo

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  10. Croix
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    11 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dear Sara (with my regards to Dottie123 & Cornstarch),

    Firstly if I'm intruding in a thread you'd prefer I did not then I apologize and will not come here again. Just don't respond or else tell me to disappear (the Amazing Mumford says 'A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches' to get rid of things)

    This is not a thread I usually scan. I saw you name in New Posts after I had just replied to your brief note of regrets in the 'Poor Concentration...' thread and looked in here as a result.

    My reply to you there goes in spades with the following additions:

    You are far to hard on yourself, you are as worthy as anyone can be. I and the others I've seen you interact with hold you in high esteem and respect your empathy, honesty, bravery and strength.

    From my highly limited personal experience what goes MIA in that situation is not unusual and will return. If the circumstances are represent a change or are unfamiliar to you that may well have a bearing as well. I did find an informal get-together doing something practical rather that a formal 'date' scenario worked better for me -ymmv.

    As I'm sure you know in your head if not your heart, any worthwhile relationship is only half up to you, the other person has to deal with the problems, be patient, understanding, protective & supportive too.

    A measure of that person's wisdom, worth and affection will brobably be found in how she follows up having met you.

    My apologies once again if I'm intruding - I'll now depart (A L P B S)

    Croix

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  11. Cornstarch
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    11 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    I can't reply properly tonight Sara, but will tomorrow!

    Co-dependecny, which is really just another word for addiction and emptiness where it involves more than one person, certainly may have caused a little CLUNK or BLIP last night, but that can change!

    Until then my lovely, crank the little Christian Lez from Tennessee Julien Baker, 'Sprained Ankle'.

    Sara has a sprained ankle :(

    Croix please hang around, we're not scary are we? We want as many voices as possible, you haven't intruded on anything you've contributed, and I loved it.

    Jack Cornfield xx

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  12. Guest_322
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    11 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Clearly, I think you really like this woman. She sounds like she has many wonderful traits, which I'm happy to hear 😊

    But this is unchartered territory for you because, aside from this being your first date with a woman (right?), she seems to have shown empathy and kindness, which is something that you're not quite used to. You have no script for an empathetic response so you froze (btw I feel like this might be one of my talking-out-of-my-arse moments so feel free to jump in and tell me that I've gotten it all wrong).

    As for being "deserving" of her or not, I feel Croix had some great insight. I mean, I realise a lot of it stems from your history, PTSD, etc so feeling "deserving" of a potentially loving relationship/partner probably isn't going to happen overnight. In Jack Cornfield's words, you gotta rewire.

    Can I just add one thing (if that's okay)? This woman is sounding amazing from what you've told us, and for that, I'm happy for you.

    I'm hesitant to say this as I'm worried it will upset you...but I've noticed that you have only had 1 date (right?) with her yet you seem to have elevated her to virtually demigod status in your description. I mean, people put their best foot forward on first dates (my ex boyfriend anyone?)

    Now, I'm not saying that she isn't wonderful or anything like that but I am suggesting maybe give it more time before deciding how you feel about her (?) As Croix said

    A measure of that person's wisdom, worth and affection will brobably be found in how she follows up having met you.

    Of course I hope she proves to be as amazing as she has been on your first date. But maybe just give it more time (?) Sorry, if I've said anything out of line. I'm not sure if I expressed what I had in mind very well.

    Jack Cornfield...your counsel is needed (when you get the chance) before Dottie digs herself into an even bigger hole!

    Anyways, here's a big hug from me to you, Sara.

    Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxxxxxx

    P.S. Croix, I don't think you're intruding at all (not that this is my thread). I also loved your contribution btw!

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  13. Croix
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    11 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Dear Cornstarch

    Thank you for the reassurance and invite to remain. No you are not scary (well I guess no more than anyone who tells the truth)

    Actually even after a couple of years I still find it a little disconcerting to see the level of trust and personal revelation shown in so many of these threads. While I am intellectually aware they are literally open to the world it's partly an ingrained sense of respect for privacy that makes me hesitate on occasions to join in.

    In addition I sometimes I feel I'm looking at the most delicate of butterfly's and even a single breath may make it start away or change its course.

    My best wishes

    Croix (who has nowadays overcome his unreasonable sensitivity to people saying 'oink':)

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  14. Just Sara
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    11 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Dear Croix; (is this pronounced Crow?)

    Firstly, you're so welcome to contribute to this thread. Especially if words such as;

    'I sometimes feel I'm looking at the most delicate of butterfly's and even a single breath may make it start away or change its course' fill the page.

    ...just beautiful!

    In your post to me on the 'Comedy Relief' thread, you made me feel a sense of accomplishment and appreciation. On here I have a place to vent or blurt or grieve or hurt knowing my peep's are here to listen. Not as a CC, but as a fellow sufferer.

    Your words hold value and intent, so this space is a welcome mat to greet you anytime you feel the need. As Corny and Dottie say, it has become 'our' thread.

    I thank you for your words of encouragement; I spend much time trying to assist others, and here I have 'me' time to be the person crying out. D-Girl and CornSpirit have stuck by me thru thick and thin, and their words of wisdom and support will never go unnoticed or unappreciated. You are a worthy addition to our world of confusion, dysfunction and recovery.

    Your comment re 'follow up' has already been realised, as I received a msg from her saying it took every ounce of strength to restrain her desires and is so looking forward to our next meeting. I'm glad she doesn't live in my area because this gives me a chance to breath and evaluate 'me' more than her.

    So thanks again for the support and interest you've shown...it's appreciated beyond words.

    Sara xoxo

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  15. Just Sara
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    11 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dearest Dottie;

    Your words hold true and as usual have hit on an important aspect of my date night. How could I find such amazement looking back at me? No, there's no demigod status, I'm just in a new place wondering how I could be so lucky to find those qualities in someone. But I could understand your comments considering the short post I made.

    We got on like a house on fire. We're perfectly matched in many ways and this made for an interesting and totally enjoyable night. Our childhoods were similar as well as our outlook on life. I did disclose my PTSD and some past trauma's, and to my amazement, she listened and came back with understanding and acknowledgement. She said my anxiety and responses were 'normal' under the circumstances. Sigh...

    You don't get that every day from a non sufferer. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that she was a mirror for me. I'm usually the one supporting someone else. It was a role reversal of sorts; this threw me. I saw me in her. The tenderness on her face when lying next to me was a shock...soft, alluring and nurturing; it so freaked me out! She was showing me what I'd been giving to others. (I'm close to tears)

    My response was to run and hide in my past normality where I felt (stupidly) safe where there was 'fight' in me! I interpreted this behaviour as cowardliness and as Corny said; emptiness and addiction to co dependency. I'm forgiving of my actions and thoughts, as they represent the challenge of change and transition...again Corny's words. (Legend!)

    This woman has come into my life to assist me thru that transition. Her patience and gentleness is foreign, but not unappreciated. I've been asking the Universe for such a person; it's now time to face myself, and the change it brings is a welcome concept.

    Time to work on me; my confidence/self image and to let my guard down just a little.

    Love you guys!

    Sara xoxo

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  16. Cornstarch
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    11 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hey Sara,
    As far as I am concerned all I can see are positive steps, growth and occurrences that you have to face if you want to or not, and really, are quite inevitable considering the amount of time you’ve been in an adrenalin fuelled chase with your self.

    In your threads you always answer your own questions so I don’t have anything new or un-thought of to contribute. Most people during the course of their lives will struggle with some sort of impulse control problem/addiction, if not forever, at least for a period. It doesn’t have to be alcohol and drugs, it can be relationships, work, food, shopping, sex, exercise, dieting, Internet surfing, gaming, whatever. All of us want to numb pain or at least put off facing it for a while.

    An empathic co-dependent is a narcissists perfect partner, and it is incredible how adept they are at scouting them out and keeping them. If they both have wobbly impulse control with substances staying together despite the constant breakups will be a breeze.

    With regard to the sexlessness, I would be very careful in assuming that what happened Saturday night is indicative of there being no hope that it may actually pass and turn into something great. Things that start well don't necessarily end well.

    The opposite is also very common, especially with childhood sexual violation, where their ‘Saturday night’ is expressed as relationship depression. Some couples get as far as a few years into their marriage and then WHACK, relationship depression rears its ugly head as sexual abuse ghosts start flooding back. Think about it, our loop of arousal actually had a beginning, and not everyone, but a lot of people, at least have some tiny memory of feeling safe, or at least a sensory visceral memory of life ‘before the abuse’. Finding a secure loving partner has now catapulted their nervous system to the beginning of their loop of arousal, and they completely shut down because after safety comes terror. They will project their disgust upon themselves, their partner or both, because being in this place of safety and knowing what followed when they were little, makes them feel weak, repulsed and absolutely pathetic. We all secretly despise that little girl/boy and believe she/he got precisely what we deserved.

    All of this came up for me in my first 5 years of meditation practice locked in my bedroom by myself, so much for meditation helping you be relax!

    Is this women seeking a relationship or just exploring also?


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  17. Croix
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    12 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Thanks Sara,

    > (is this pronounced Crow?) It's pronounced "kwah" or "quah - or just "friend"

    Nothing much to say except it's past time you felt the life-giving balm of a good person. Experienced and inexperienced, or inexperienced together, all can be wonderful, as you know it's the person's basic nature that counts.

    Thanks to you too Dottie 123 both for the welcome and also showing me how to broach a most sensitive subject as was necessary for a friend. It must have been hard to find just the right words - which you did.

    I've met and married twice and on first meeting both were indeed raised to 'Goddess' status by me (it was 25 years before the 1st returned to the heavens and the 2nd is still putting up with me after 20).

    I'm trying to say a little enthusiasm and blurred vision (& my partners must have been positively myopic) is probably to be expected, part of the magic, and also there are wonderful people tucked away in the world.

    Cornstarch I'm amazed by your technical analysis - it must have been some bedroom:)

    As I'm not sure what co-dependancy means you might care to amplify at some stage. At first blush I would have thought it meant 2 persons depending on each other - a formula that has worked well for me - and if I can say so, my partners too.

    Anyway my best wishes to you all

    Croix

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  18. Just Sara
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    12 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Welcome back CornDog!

    I've been eagerly awaiting your reply and as expected your words give enlightenment and wisdom. Can I just say though, they can sometimes be on the 'warning' scale which scares me a little. I've spent the past 20 yrs analysing myself and others to death trying to stay safe. This seems to be what comes across from you...protective of your friend...me. How wonderful to have this, especially on BB, a place of safety and protection. Thankyou C-Girl..

    When I cried out for help, it 'was' the child in me...you're correct. But eventually the adult took over to rationalise and recover. This process has taken me ages to instil and I'm proud of my achievement. So grasping your pre childhood sexual assault concept was easier. It makes perfect sense and gives me something to relate to if it occurs again.

    Update: 'X' (my beautiful woman) has written the most warm and tender email to me. In it, she see's me as strong and wise; 'experienced' instead of 'damaged'. Talk about foreplay!! Ha ha

    You asked what X's intentions were; she stated she can't have a full on relationship due to personal circumstances and the distance between us. That's fine with me! I have enough to deal with in my own head. However, her email gets closer to wanting more. Even so, my expectations and intent are 'slow and steady'.

    Croix - the beauty and compassion of your words are received with pure joy. It's so nice to read of blissful unions that 'work'. (I'm also sorry for your loss..)

    To answer your question about co dependency; the simple answer would be to imagine a little girl being terrorised by the same person she relies on for - food, clothing and general protection from the elements.

    She can't run away or hide. So she lives with it finding ways to 'survive' like pretending it's normal, living on adrenaline due to being hyper-vigilant, loving the 'monster', using food to stuff down the bad feelings and have some good one's to stay sane. When you consider living this way for the whole of her childhood and then beginning an adult life, patterns will take precedence.

    So seeking out, as Corny says, a narcissist to match the empathic nature of the victim in her is normal. And so the cycle continues...

    Dottie - I love it when you tell it as you see it! It's important you're true to yourself.

    Much, much love and gratitude to you all...

    Sara xoxoxoxo

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  19. Cornstarch
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    12 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Do you know what Croix it was the best bedroom ever. I miss that crazy house. I could only ever meditate with the bedroom door locked, even just closing my eyes and attempting to feel anything filled my nervous system with so much panic, that I asked my locksmith mate to defy the real estate and put a lock on the door for me.

    The grief of losing and burying a partner must of been unreal. And long. Grief is really long, and washes over you at the strangest moments. But as you say there certainly are wonderful people hiding away in this world and it sounds like the two of you found one another! Gush.

    Sara, should I call myself Corn Star today? So happy to hear that there was no sprained ankle after all and just the understandable nervous system unfoldings that happen when we try something new. How delightful!!

    Isn't it curious, bizarre and a strange brain moment how we label ourselves as 'damaged', while other people see us as something completely different, despite feeling like absolute crap. When I was in hospital I had some women say to me, "you know Corny you're a really interesting person you've had an incredible life". And I was sitting there thinking, "are you frigging kidding me, interesting! this ain't feeling 'interesting' right now in this here bodee, this is feeling like torture". Interesting is for museums. Each to their own I suppose.

    She remains curious Sara and certainly does not sound like she has been turned off whatsoever! I suppose our 'adult' and 'child' self are turned on and off frequently, and we yo-yo up and down when trauma intersects interpersonal relationships, which basically is every single day! But the beaut place you are at now, is that the distance, duration and time between them has shrunk significantly, because you are so self aware and certain of your truth.

    I'm just so excited for you Sara whatever happens, it sounds like you guys are on the same page with it's evolution so to speak, and both parties aren't really looking to launch head first into a full on relationship. Two single, consenting adults out there in the world doing their thung. Woo hoo!

    Corny xx

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  20. Croix
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    12 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch
    Dear Cornstarch, Sara and Dottie

    Thanks for your replies, if you don’t mind I’m in the mood to rabbit on for a few moments - it must be the atmosphere here. I beg your indulgence

    It's true Cornstarch that losing and burying the closest person on earth is completely, utterly overpowering (in fact during the burial I hid in a coffee shop away from everyone and then disappeared for the rest of the day)

    Looking at it another way however it’s an indication of how great a partnership can be

    My very speedy re-marriage was the key to my recovery

    It’s curious but of all the monumentally unpleasant things that have happened to me it’s only the loss of my career as a policeman that still really causes deep fresh grief and sense of failure – go figure

    Even the circumstances and incidents whilst serving that made me ill can mostly be viewed with a certain sense of distance nowadays (unless of course I’m nightmare-ing or actually in the throes of reliving something, a treat that now seldom happens)

    The loss of my first wife after an 18-month illness, my daughter in law to leukemia, my disinheritance from my family all have now been overlaid by fresh events, occupations and people until I can view those things with just sadness, regret and a little detachment

    (In case you are wondering I came from a very British family that did not approve of my forthcoming marriage)

    There’s no real reason for these meanderings, except possibly to tell Sara that whatever happens you can thank X for telling you the truth “she see's me as strong and wise; experienced instead of damaged”. I hope with all my might that the 'whatever happens' is long-term, mutually satisfying & supportive and fun.

    I’m losing concentration again folks so I’m off

    Thanks for listening. My best wishes
    Croix.

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  21. Guest_322
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    12 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Hi Sara,

    Wow, what an explosion of posts in such a short space of time? But that's a good thing 😉

    Oops...my bad. Thanks for elaborating in your follow-up post. It seems that maybe the universe has finally answered your prayer. What a remarkable turn of events- you really are growing into your own skin.

    This special lady seems so emotionally attuned to you. The 2 of you seem to have really connected, which is very beautiful. I mean, you said so yourself, you're starting to receive what you have always given. Change is definitely in the air.

    You'll figure it out, I'm sure. As has been said by Croix, try not to be too hard on yourself. This is something new and different so it takes time to find your feet.

    Croix, aw thanks. You're too kind but thanks for the encouraging words 😊

    Sara, here's to your evolving sense of self and to getting to know yourself (and this special woman).

    Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    12 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. The day of her burial must have been devastating. I don't personally know what it's like to lose a partner but it sounds like you had a beautiful 25 year run with your first wife.

    I guess you know yourself best and remarrying relatively quickly must have been the right decision for you on a personal level. Hey, you're over 20 years into it and still going strong so it seems to have worked/be working for you. I'm glad you and your current wife have each other.

    And I'm sorry about your daughter-in-law too. So much loss.

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Croix
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    12 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dear Dottie

    Thank you for coming back to me with sympathy, you sound a very empathetic person.

    I don't really know why I set out things as I did, it's the first time in 2+ years on the bb forums I've spontaneously mentioned my background without it being a tool or example to show someone else I can understand or other similar reason. I guess this little corner is a special one.

    I believe the grief from losing somebody one loves is a part of the 'natural order' of things - it's part of life and faced by just abut everyone at some time or times in their lives. Though devastating its a sign of having had love in one's life, and is the deferred price one pays for that love - I would not forgo that love, no matter what the price..

    My quick re-marriage (which raised many eyebrows ) was exactly right as my wife was very ill for 18 months so her passing away was anticipated. My new partner had come from a very similar situation though it was a couple of years in the past for her. We clicked, we are both un-reasonably fortunate to have found each other.

    These are not unusual problems, its my reaction to times in the police that have well and truly stuffed things up, even though as a Workers' Comp case I've had no problems with the cost of treatment. The physical ailments, mental impairment, anxiety, guilt, frustration etc etc will I suppose always be there, though thankfully the intensity of reliving scenes is less nowadays.

    That's why I choose the walrus as a symbol, it too has a mustache, can (could in my case) look formidable but is only able to live in a very restricted environment as do I (I don't have the same protruding teeth though:)

    Oh dear, I've just done it again and dumped my ills on you all - you're a bad influence :)

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  24. Just Sara
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    12 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Morning Croix;

    This little corner as you put it, has magic. Corny and Dot are the wand holders who wave it with skill. It's my go-to place of solace; open, honest chin wags that delight, inform, support and encourage...a place to call home.

    It's nice to see you opening up considering you've been a voyeur for so long. I read your story with interest; I'm glad you felt comfortable doing this and got something out of it.

    I understand the situation you were placed in as a widow and the kizmit clandestine meeting of minds and hearts. When it's right, it's right...right is might. Power to you and the longevity of love...that's a welcome addition to our lives here on BB for sure. So thankyou for sharing Croix...

    You've done some great work on your PTSD it seems. There's always room here for experience and the wisdom that follows. It's rampant in our society especially the workforce and those affected by sexual assault; childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Even though the environments and events differ, symptoms need addressing and that's where we come in.

    But, we too need to move forward; that's why this thread is so important to me. The more I learn and grow, the more I have to offer.

    So well done for opening up and trusting us; it's an honour...

    Thankyou also for mentioning me (3 things to be thankful for) in your post. I'm assuming it was me; I'll feel pretty stupid if it wasn't!

    Hugs...Sara xoxo

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  25. Just Sara
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    12 December 2016

    Hey Dottie Girl!

    I love to read your words hun, such supportive clarity. You are of course correct in every way; I'm also here for a good time, not just a long time. Universal lessons and opportunities abound if we just open our eyes sometimes. I did thank goodness!

    X and I are already planning our next get-together. It's going to be more casual where some travel is involved. We do talk well together and I love this. I've mellowed a bit on the intimacy situation...you can't catch up on the one you missed out on yeah? Ha ha..

    I'm in positive mode today, so I hope it spreads like a brush fire. Sending some sparks your way my sweet...whoosh...

    Love you...Sara xoxo

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  26. Just Sara
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    12 December 2016

    Hey Sweet Corn Star!!

    What would I do without you lovely? I remember when you were the first who replied to my sexuality cries on; 'Am I the only one?' And here we are! You mentored and encouraged me this whole time. How grateful and humble I feel; you are a STAR!!

    I couldn't have done it without your advice and gentle pushes...

    I would so love to be able to return the favour one day. Give me that opportunity and I'm there!!

    Take solace in the knowledge that your greatness shines so bright..it reached all the way to me..just like the star you are..

    Mega hugs...Sara xOxO

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  27. Croix
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    13 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dear Sara, Dottie and Cornie (Jack Cornfield I hope you don't mind the liberty with your name)

    Of course the friend is a reference to you Sara! How could it not be with such a happy milestone. I guess that whatever happens your horizons have now well and truly expanded and your life changed for the better.

    The only marvel I find is that I can see someone as a real friend in an environment where words are the only medium - when I first joined the forums I never anticipated that. In the beginning I had intended just to peruse threads, trying to glean a few facts that might improve my condition. That morphed into giving the odd word of encouragement based on my own experiences, and has now blossomed into a garden where friendships are the flowers.

    Thanks to all three of you for listening to my tale and letting me hog* the thread , I really am having a hard time explaining to myself why I've set out my problems relating to my exit from the police and continuing disabilities, (it's certainly not for hope of a magic cure, I think I'm now pretty well stuck with what I've got after so many years,) so I guess I don't know myself as well as I might.

    *Corny why do you say 'oink'?

    My best wishes

    Croix

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  28. Croix
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    13 December 2016
    Later: Dear Corny, Sara and Dottie

    It’s taken me a fair number of goes - as concentration tends to go and hide behind my back where I can’t reach it - but I’ve read all this thread. Amazing and heart-wrenching

    Corny & Dottie you have other threads where you talk more about yourselves. While I haven’t read them all I’ve made a start. The reason - I’d like to find out more about you for simple friendship’s sake

    You’ve mentioned 'trust' in what I’ve read & I’d like to share my ideas -even though they may be skewed.

    Trusting and being trusted fulfills a deep need. Children gives it naturally – mainly to their parents & family. If all works out that’s great, if not it can be crippling. An adult has more choice (though they may not always recognise it) both to award trust, and to what degree.

    I’ll tell you about my experiences, not for sympathy – I’m ok with it all - but to give you an idea what setbacks trust can survive and still be available.

    My father a clergyman, my mother a businesswoman. They had fixed views. When I decided to marry someone they thought unsuitable their ‘love’ vanished & I was disinherited (which actually worked out well)

    In the police I dealt with all elements of society, drugs and with Family Law cases where children were used as tokens for revenge and point-scoring. Also colleagues whose conduct was more than questionable.

    When I became ill my one of my first doctors, to whom I had unburdened a great deal decided that it would be inconvenient to support me. Later a psychologist to whom I had also said a lot offered me a very dubious proposition. My response was less than wholehearted & I ended up with a wildly inaccurate report.

    I’ve still managed to trust my psychiatrist and my 2 wives. In some ways it's been a great effort but it's worked out fine - thanks to them

    My rule of thumb is that one or two in your adult life are worthy of complete trust. Hurt or not you are all three wise people and I suspect you will make your selections successfully.

    As I said in my post in that other thread today I can’t help a great deal, I offer what I can in the earnest hope it may be of some use sometime

    Croix

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  29. Croix
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    13 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    The fragile butterfly

    I had a horrible thought. It occurs to me that I've been carried away in the warmth of new friendships, and concern for new friends' welfare, and might well have been thoughtlessly enthusiastic. It could be seen as an intrusion to go looking at your other threads, so I'll stop - a t least for now. I am probably posting too much as well.

    It really is a foreign experience for me to strike people I relate to and empathize with so deeply in a forum environment; and I haven't really thought out all the implications of any action I might take when seen by other eyes. I'm feeling my way in a strange country and the last thing I would want is to breach etiquette, make anyone uncomfortable, feel their space or privacy invaded, or reluctant to continue to post as they have in the past.

    Therefore Sara, Dotty & Corny I ask for your understanding and to let me know what you feel.

    Croix

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  30. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    13 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thank you 😊

    Yes, you're right that this is a magical corner on BB.

    Grief is the price we pay for love.

    - Queen Elizabeth II

    I think her words ring true for you. A shattering but worthwhile price for you.

    Your second marriage was clearly the right decision for you. At the end of the day, who's to say what's right and wrong when it comes to grief and marriage decisions (the exception being forced marriages, child brides, etc)? You found her at the right place and at the right time- the 2 of you seem to make a wonderful team.

    I have to admit that I don't really know your story re: your police force exit, PTSD and disabilities. But maybe you just needed to share your story as in maybe vulnerability attracts vulnerability. And by vulnerability, I don't mean "weak" but I mean openness. A bit like "I'll show you mine and you'll show me yours", which can be less about strict "problem solving" and more to do with connecting with friends. But that's just a guess.

    Yeah, you'll find strange (but often wonderful) things happen when you sign-up and start posting and responding. I can emphasise with what you're saying as I had no intention (initially) of opening up about anything other than my usual complaints about uni and work (especially uni ha, ha).

    When I first signed up, I honestly thought that it would be a quick 2-3 week "stay" here, which is partly why I never bothered to find a profile image (now it's more sheer laziness plus nothing seems to be the "right" image for me ha, ha). Let's just say that it's been much longer than 2-3 weeks.

    I'm just as surprised as you to have formed friendships with anonymous online people. But I'm grateful for all of you.

    Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience on trust. It must have been hard work (but also clearly worth your efforts) to have found "your people."

    Trust, huh? You're right about the child versus adult. It's tricky, I have to say.

    I think you're more helpful and supportive than you may realise. In saying that, I really like your humility. I like humility in general so big (read: fragile) egos have me running faster than you can say "vamoose."

    And I'm touched that you would search for our threads to learn more about us. It always kind of baffles me that anyone would want to get to know me a little more. Thanks Croix 😊

    Dottie xxx

    2 people found this helpful

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