Great to chat to you some more, and the picture is so very good, there is something that you could do to ease the mind and have a hobbie to enjoy as well. You are very good at it.
I understand the looming old age thing, although I am 45 on Friday so 20 to me seems like a whole life time ago! It is never, never too late to start something new or start anything for that matter. I think I am still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up..I just started Uni doing Mental Health and Psychology online, I am now volunteering for BB, there are so many things that pop up in your life, it is never too late.
Is volunteering something that you might like to try, there are so many organisations out there and you just never know who you might meet or even find a new interest, you may not like it at all and that is apart of the learning.
I hear you say you have waited for so long know and nothing has happened, how would you feel about seeing the GP and chatting to them and putting a plan in place for you. To try to get your journey to wellness started? Sometimes we have to throw ourselves into things to break the cycle and to get life back on track, as scary as that might seem, it might work too. There is a saying that I love and think about it from time to get me back on track "if you always do what you have always done, you always get what you've always got"....sometimes moves me to get myself together.
This time of year is hard, new year, new expectations, a whole new year ahead of nothing, but can I tell you to shut that voice down in your head that says you are not worth it, you so very much are, and you can, you can make small steps each day and choose you and choose happiness.
I am hoping you think that a trip to the GP is a good idea.
Hope to chat to you some more