Seriously, please forgive the following. It honestly comes with so much love and concern, my head is just a mess right now. ...
I could not read your post without thinking, "imagine if I was writing what Pepper is writing ... and imagine what she would say to me in response?" (You would say a bunch of wise things about being kind to myself because I deserve kindness and that being treated gently is not a privilege but a right. Correct?) ... and I was going to try and be clever and rewrite it all back to you in my own words and ask you to respond as if it was to me (if that in any way makes sense), but it all got too confusing (and just reading that paragraph back to myself gave me a headache!!).
Of course what Grandy has said to you is absolutely true. Please re-read her message. As many times as you need to, until you hear it.
But I also, of course, do totally understand what you are saying.
I was wondering about the feeling that you get around the people you described that surround you. Eg, they might be very successful on their path, and they make many sacrifices and dedicate much of their time to what they do.
But do their values match yours?
I only ask because I have had the experience of being around such people. High powered, hugely successful, incredibly wealthy ... those kinds of things. And I always found myself (still do) comparing myself to them and their lifestyles and successes. I am still conflicted, because I have chosen a very different path to these people (friends of mine), and I have the tendency to look at myself as a failure, sometimes, compared to them.
But when it comes down to it, it is not always fair to compare myself to them. . These people have not had to contend with anxiety or depression, their mental health is not something that has held them back or constrained them or compelled them to take different paths for the sake of staying alive. Things like this (so sorry for ineloquence) .
On top of that: my ideals are different to their ideals and my lifestyle reflects this.
I know that the culture in which you were raised plays a part in the feeling you have of must-keep-going no matter what, and must-strive-always, no matter how you feel inside, and the guilt that builds when you take take time for yourself.
I'm not really hitting the point that I wanted to make ... please forgive me, my head and heart are a bit of a wreck at the moment, and it's more difficult than usual to say just what I mean.
I guess I would be interested to know if you share ideals, ethics, dreams, ideologies as the people around you? And if not, then it might make sense to diverge from their methodology and put into practice how you want your future to unfold. Maybe sacrificing weekends and dedicating long hours works for them and their life-goals - but does it work for yours?
I don't know my friend, this is, I'm pretty sure, a load of rubbish post, I'm really struggling to find the words , but I am sending this with the hope that it makes a bit of sense, and that it reaches you in the spirit of total love with which I have sent it.
And still without having quite said what I wanted to say, this comes with much love,