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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / new person

Topic: new person

  1. ecomama
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    1661 posts
    16 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Hi Blubes, this LDR means I need therapy lol!

    LDR - Long Distance Relationship. 🙄lol.

    Aha the good ole win / lose scenario....combined with his other behaviours, very "Alpha male" I found out from psych friend. She told me how the whole alpha male concept originated.
    VERY wounded males.

    I haven't contacted bf, awaiting his "Rules of Engagement". Boundaries are required so that's that.

    YD had asked for meds before. So if the GP & I concede then that's what she asked for. I know YD also has Oppositional Defiance (could have Disorder on the end). No official diagnosis. But I know what it looks like, it looks like this.

    But there's a twist to her behaviours I noticed very young. About 2yo. She had "the look" of my mother. Eldest D saw it too. We both looked at each other, scared. I sought MH help back then. Psych said as long as I provide all the nurturing possible then any "onsets" could be averted or delayed.

    I didn't know she was being SA by her father.

    So as much as my nurturing was always there when I was home, the damage was still being done. I can't describe certain things for concern perps with same deranged minds read this.

    I asked YD about seeing GP again on her school hols? She said yes.
    Did she want to discuss meds? She said yes.

    She has SO MUCH anger inside her that comes out less & less but she's burying it down.
    I asked her if she wants to join Karate?
    Kick boxing?
    Self defence classes?
    Yes but not right now.

    She's set on doing her HSC online from home but wants to stay at school to start Year 11 & try it. She can ONLY do ONE or the other. She can't do both simultaneously, not even to start with.

    These are the Catch 22s mother expected me to MAKE happen - impossible things to do.

    I noticed her being passive aggressive today. If I even walk near her in the kitchen then she huffs, puffs, gets angry. Same as mother.
    They both WANT(ED) me to do specific tasks for them but made it impossible.

    They both told me I didn't love them, which ofcourse I did 100% but both made it near impossible to be close to them. I think I only had 1 photo of me near my mother after about 1yo. She would never hug me back when I hugged her. She would never kiss my cheek as I did hers whilst she ignored me or worse. But she demanded I kiss her before I leave to go anywhere.

    Impossible. Mind effing. Very very sad.

    (I must add ex into all this too as he did these things being a psychopath - but far worse).

    It's totally effed. Boundaries needed.

    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    16 September 2020 in reply to ecomama
    She wants to be medicated and wants the help - thats always positive. I would want thw help too if I know theres something wrong. Thats fantastic news, Ems
    Lol. LDR - yessss you need help there!! Jkids .. LDR Idk. Never had one, ever. It must be tough. I dont think I could do it.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    8918 posts
    16 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Dear Blueberry and EM

    LDR means a long distance relationship where communication between the 2 parties is via electronic or postal means. Sort of a head on a TV. This spans the globe and brings people from totally different environments together.

    It is possible to make great efforts to include the other party in one's life, but that is mostly rare and impractical.

    It has upsides - at least there is contact and is cheap, and downsides, the main one being you are not living with the person all the time, they are somebody you switch on as convenient and even then only see a minute part of their daily life and attitudes. Other disadvantages are obvious.

    I'm sorry EM if I do not sound that enthusiastic, however I suspect the roles have changed, from "supporter in diversity" to "personal" and his shortcomings are becoming very noticable

    With other definitions you will have to look up S/M for yourself, I'm not prepared to describe it here.

    On a slightly brighter note EM your YD has a mature you and your influence, backed by your years of personal experiences. Your mother did not. Although you were there it was not the same thing.

    Croix

    PS: Blueberry you missed out a "great" :)

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    16 September 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Hey Ems,
    So my new pc arrived yesterday. I've put off editing my complaint for a solid 2 weeks now, as my pc died. Got new one and intend to continue with the draft.
    This is going to be a trigger & will put me in a very bad position, mentally. I don't know if I'll cope. 😢
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    16 September 2020 in reply to Croix
    Heya great, great uncle Croix (kwah),
    I hope you're well. Just wanted to say hello.
    Blubes.
    1 person found this helpful
  6. ecomama
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    16 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Hi GREAT Uncle Croix lol & Blubes and all

    Yes our LDR has had many advantages for me in my situation. Esp for the first 4 years.

    ex was extremely effective at his social & familial isolation abuse & turned almost everyone he knew of in my life against me. Even my eldest children.

    ex had approached EVERYONE; every family member (over 50 of them) & every friend he knew of.

    I didn't KNOW he was doing this.
    ex was very successful, conniving, cunning (Police called him) & thorough.
    it is a VERY convincing liar - all psychopaths are.

    It took years for some to "come back" to me. Some are gone forever.

    ex went to extreme lengths to get between BF & I.

    BFs support throughout Courts & Police investigations and extreme duress was unwavering. His character stood out like a Prince amongst men.

    ex even mentioned BF in Affidavits!

    ex found out BFs name SOME how.

    Fortunately BF is an American citizen so was untouchable in our cases. BF had never visited Australia (and I told him NOT to whilst all this was going on). The things ex said BF had done when he was in Australia, did not happen because he had NEVER been to Australia.

    I'm not defending the marvel of LDRs lol, it's just how things unfolded for us.

    BF and I became "best friends" in an online support group but with personal messaging available. It was a year before he PMd me. He thought as they all did that I may have committed suicide. I had been "banned" from all online access by ex whilst separated under one roof. ex cut all access off.

    ex was losing control over the situation and me. ex was going apesh** all the time.

    Police were "in" ex's pocket, he pointed out daily.

    We had around 10 "close friends" in our online group. As things escalated here they all banded together, got legal advice and had all paperwork ready for me to flee to the U.S. with the children.
    I couldn't leave my adult children.

    We've now met all of these online friends IRL from Canada to Cali to Florida and England.

    I'd lost everyone here, I had no one. They were my only constant supports.

    Over time with Counselling, I have been able to "somewhat repair" my relationships with adult children, my brother and Uncle. A few friends of over 40y I had lost, came back to me.
    ex must've lost their numbers lol.

    The bond forged with BF was in the most extreme circumstances for me.
    He FINALLY came out to Aust last year, 1 month after Courts were finished.

    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  7. ecomama
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    1661 posts
    16 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    As you all know this year I was formally diagnosed with Complex PTSD, Anxiety and mention of depression.

    It's tough.

    But BF is now going through his own extreme duress. Being an engineer who repairs instruments that test for Covid all over America and Canada.
    He had to move away from all family and live by himself.
    He flies constantly and virtually lives in motels now.

    In the past I spent weeks at a time with him flying all over.

    It's really wonderful when we're together but he clearly has depression now and knows it.

    We can't see each other.

    We cancelled our 1 month trip to the U.S. with all my younger children, planned for this Christmas. All of his family were SO excited to have us there for Christmas. They can't wait to meet the children. We had an amazing trip planned for us all.
    Covid stopped that trip.

    Now we have no idea when we'll be able to see each other next and BFs depression has deepened.
    My anxiety went stratospheric due to his high risk job.
    I sought help.

    BF doesn't want to.

    The plan was / is IDK... that he will retire here with me.
    The cost of this is unbelievable but it is what it is.

    Interim plans were made but Covid has prevented our ability to see any of these through at all.

    Later I may spend up to 6 months there at a time.

    Neither of us were thinking to marry until we could live together for good.
    Marriage was the only option for us to live together in either country long term.
    I hadn't planned on marrying anyone again.
    He wants to regardless.

    I wouldn't have anyone living with me, married or not, whilst the children are under 18yo. So there's my time stamp. Another benefit of LDR for me is that I have the freedom to raise my children, uninterrupted.

    Right now I feel like I can't abandon him during his time of need when he supported me throughout mine. So we have roughed it this year with our issues. The first rough year for our relationship.

    I can't imagine being with anyone but him. I don't want to.

    But regardless of stress and depression, anxiety and PTSD (moreso probably BECAUSE of these) we need some boundaries to support us.

    More than a nutshell. lol.

    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    17 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi Ems,

    Battling through any mental condition is tough to say the least. You're doing extremely well. Your bf was there for you through your challenges when you needed him. He was by your side to support you - that showed loyalty, care, love and decency. This is the loyalty you wanted from a partner (as you've previously stated). He's now suffering depression and he needs you. You feel as if you can't turn your back on him and you don't have to. Your life is yours, Ems. Your happiness is dependent on you, and if he makes you happy darl, then do what you need to do to keep him in your life. This should be effort on his behalf too. No relationship is perfect. No one is perfect. There'll be fights and arguments along the way in any relationship, but try not to normalize or minimize any abuses.

    So your ex gaslighted, manipulate and turned everyone against you, just like my sister did to me? Yea, these sociopaths wreck and damage ppl's relationships without empathy or remorse. It's just devastating and WRONG. Glad you're not with him any more.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. ecomama
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    17 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Yes ex did and for 20 years, he's still trying to avidly. I get feedback from people, even if it's unwanted feedback. All my cousins I nurtured as babies and throughout their lives, turned vehemently against me.

    My adult children too. This broke my heart as they were cruel and vindictive even though I had spent my life providing for them and caring deeply for them. This still hurts.

    My Counsellor said for me to be persistently and consistently myself. Do not try to urgently and desperately defend myself. It was all to no avail.

    I withdrew. The family celebrations I attended, I was ignored. Usually they just demanded I drop the children off and stay away. I spent days and nights forlorn and bewildered.

    ex and its entire family joined with my mother and one particularly spiteful son in law who repeatedly reported me to Police for the most disgusting ad horrid things one could be accused of. Sometimes I vomited at the thought. Welfare checks were made and nothing near the reports were happening at all.

    I didn't find out any of this until I went to a secret Court and saw the 14 pages of reports these vindictive and hateful people said about me. Spineless as they were, they never said this to me and reported anonymously to DOCS / FACS. I could tell who said what by the words they used.

    I need to be free of this. It haunts me still.

    Now all of these people, I'm shocked to say, are trying to do the "buy back" with me and my youngest children.
    I have an unopened letter from my mother I received yesterday and I will ask my uncle to read it on Sunday, if he comes.
    We needed to find ways of forgiving my eldest children, not trusting them, forgiving them.

    Today my gardener is supposed to come. I will help him in the garden or he will help me lol.
    My garden is an analogy of my life. Relentless hard work, lots of sh** to clear, rubbish to remove of exs, no happiness. Little beauty but progress which is something.

    I'm tired already.

    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Bluberry
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    317 posts
    17 September 2020 in reply to ecomama
    I hope the gardener gets there today to help you. Your garden sounds like it's coming along beautifully though. Lol, I hate gardening although I love a green, manicured garden. Q: on gardening .. I bought weed n kill for lawn to get rid of weeds and feed the lawn. Ive been told this solution kills your plants. Is this true?
    1 person found this helpful
  11. ecomama
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    17 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Ugh IDK! You'd have more luck googling that.

    We're organic gardeners here so we do all sorts to keep things chugging along. We don't use pesticides or such in our garden or home.

    We DO have a Gardening Thread here I started, I'm sure there are people who could help you more there, sorry dearest.

    I just finished vacuuming up the flies! Lol! Great having that handy vac now.

    OMG my face is HOT PINK like a beetroot! My gardener DID arrive thank goodness and we just did a solid 5 hours in the garden. We are removing lantana that took hold during the dark ages here lol. It was covering over 600sq metres of my garden, right UP to the back door!
    This year I started there pulling it out and keeping the lantana under control just there... whilst watching GROW Like mountainous clouds down further lol.

    omg I'm so in love with my garden. the poor long suffering thing.

    We found a lemon tree that had sprouted from the neighbour's lemon tree AND I AM SO HAPPY!
    We replanted it in another section of my garden and thankyou God! These lemons are to die for seriously. But it only has 3 stalks on it atm lol.

    I'll have to rave more on the gardening thread.

    XXXXEM

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    8918 posts
    17 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Dear the both of you~

    Um, you have had a lot to say. Blueberry, thank you for replacing the missing generation (reminds me of a particular Womble).

    So now you have a new computer and are faced with one of the most re-traumatizing tasks, as you not only have to conjure the events up in your mind, but think on how most effectively to phrase them, and in what order.

    So may I ask two questions? Firstly do you really want to do this, and are there legal reasons why you have to?

    The way the law in even the best of civilized countries is set up is grossly imperfect and not a justice system. I still regret a fair number of the actions I had to take as a policeman, not though unkindness or being dishonest or unfair, simply doing the duties the law said had to be done.

    I am sorry to paint a picture that is far from rosy, however you deserve the truth. I don't think I'm trying to dissuade you as much as point out some potential stumbling blocks.

    The second question is do you have to do the paper all by yourself alone. Is there anyone who can help, either by being a comforting presence, or actually sorting and may be discussing - not a legal person, just someone with intelligence? Also can you get psych help as you need it during this process?

    EM: One is sometimes limited in what can be said here however I guess one might know what you mean, once a child has reached adulthood and has behaved in an extreme damaging manner they are still your child, but the natural parental trust has gone and I think it would take somethng really exceptional for it to be restored. If I look at myself I cannot imagine what that might be. It is tragic.

    One of my many movies is ghastly though well done, it has real triggers all the time due to its realism, yet I keep it as a divided family (ARVN vs VC&NVA) comes together at the end. It was based on a true story and I often wonder if the family remained reunited.

    Excuse me talking of movies, they and books help me keep perspective on the world and I naturally fail to resit the impulse to mention them.

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  13. ecomama
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    17 September 2020 in reply to Croix

    Dear GREAT great Uncle Croix, because you're great not old lol!

    Thankyou for your kind & wise words as ALWAYS.

    I want Bluberry to contact Women's Legal Service for legal advice and support.
    I LOVE THIS Organisation to bits. I cannot recommend them highly enough. They were ELITE in their information for me. It's guaranteed they're not talking to you for money!

    Indeed our Legal system sees SO LITTLE justice, I prefer Tribal Law to be frank.

    In my reality atm lol, my adult children all came over tonight, helped in the garden, bought dinner. They asked what happened with my brother back in the dark ages. I told them. They were aghast & said I shouldn't speak to him again. Would I extend the same favour he rejected in your greatest time of need back to him?

    I said when I was little & my brother died, I Prayed for God to GIVE HIM BACK to me. I couldn't believe God loved me at all. I was bereft. Then the most beautiful baby came to be my brother. We adopted him. I LOVED HIM more than anything. He was MY baby too. I did & do anything for him to protect him & love him.

    Yes I would give him whatever I could, whatever he asked.
    Forgiving is easy for me. Forgetting is not.
    My ACs said "we knew you'd say that".... one was crying & said sorry for what I went through, what they put me through.
    It was emotional.

    I will never trust anyone 100%. No one on earth. I can trust partly, never completely.
    I've only realised this in the past year and I'm really happy and REALLY OK with this.

    My ACs did betray me.
    They caused the most severe hurt I'd never felt before.

    But I understand the efficiency of the psychopath that caused their betrayal.
    They are all NC with said creature.

    It took ACs a VERY long time to see any value in me. Do I care? um not really lol.

    I KNOW my true value & that means more to me than anyone else's opinions of me.... AND I MEAN ANYONE lol.

    As Brene Brown says: (very sic lol) 'The world is full of cheap seats. SO unless you're in the arena WITH me fighting the same fight, facing the same battles... I'm not interested in your feedback about me'... and there it is. I simply don't care unless someone has trodden the same or very similar path.

    I had virtually gone NC with ACs and kept schtum about what was happening after their betrayal. I didn't trust them at all. Now? They are working very hard indeed to build their relationships with ALL of us here.

    We are working TOGETHER now. Thank God.

    EM

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  14. ecomama
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    18 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Surprises tooboot last night lol.

    One son told us that he's virtually decided to study Accountancy at Uni.

    My ACs tried immediately to talk him out of it... I jumped in and said "EVery family needs a good accountant!" and I cannot believe he's falling into a career pattern of my father's family lol.

    He got 100% in Math omg. And said he LOVES Financial maths ROFL... how can anyone LOVE finances?
    But indeed we do I guess.

    He'll be perfect for it. A total straighty 180. Disciplined, studious, calculating ALL the time! He even put thousands of his dollars against my home loan to save and also help my reduce my interest lol.

    What a gem.

    He wanted to study Family Law but I KNOW this would have been extremely difficult emotionally for him. He still triggers big time when he hears of harm to children.
    ACs wanted to push him into this. But I know the market is flooded with Lawyers and I think the FL system will have to break down at some point because IT DOESN'T WORK.

    If only we were signed up to International Acts that protect children.
    We're not.
    Still horribly uncivilised.

    Hence my yearning for tribal law here. lol.

    EM

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  15. Bluberry
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    317 posts
    18 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Ems,

    That's fantastic news that he wants to study accounting!! Do something that you're good at, I'd say!! I'd give him all the encouragement he needs. I'm terrible with math, and YES rofl, too... how can that anyone LOVE finances?? lol. Na, all jokes aside, I'm sooo happy for him and for you too. xx He sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders and love for him mum too. What he did with helping keep down the interest is very noble. He's a gem just like his mum.

    We do have tribal (indigenous customary) law here in Australia, though it conflicts with white law and hasn't been recognized nor codified. The practice is however, acceptable and exists within indigenous communities.

    Family law is an area of law where the money is - that and litigation. So, if he's interested in this area I'd say GO FOR IT!!! Again, I'm super proud of him.

    In terms of the rights of children, Australia has ratified (sign) the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC) which safeguards their right to protection from abuse & exploitation, their right to a voice in matters that affect them & the right to shelter and be cared for. These beautiful little people are further protected within our criminal laws as well.

    I'll answer your other thread, as well as uncle Croix's soon. xx

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  16. ecomama
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    18 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    xxx Bluberry.

    Never a dull effing moment.

    Dog vomited from stress & anxiety from the groomer & she's the kindest groomer we know!

    If only that was the only dilemma today.

    I'm angry. exs narc, lunatic mother went to the children's WORK PLACE. By chance one of my sons was there getting food (not working). He ran into her. When he came home he was still pale faced, in shock & shaking.
    His last memory of that demon was when it was literally screaming down the phone at me after son called to get his dad to take him to the hospital. I was home but the other chn were sleeping.

    After I said a few lines of truth back to the nutcase, I hung up.
    Woke our neighbour. She minded my sleeping chn.
    Took son to hospital for asthma.
    Horrible, with me still shaking from the abuse.

    I NEVER allowed the chn to call any of them for help again.

    I had 1h sleep that night & went to work.

    Today. Cards for all their birthdays. Some months late.

    Stapled in each card ( I've read all of them and feel sick) there are pages of bs... saying directly that they now have the choice of seeing them all, & do not have to be told by their mother not to see them.

    Such ignorance. It was the children initially who BEGGED me not to make them see ex or it's family ever again. I had to make them see ex because of the stupidity of FL. When their psych & furthermore FACS told me to withhold the children. I was terrified FL would take them off me. As they DO without any regard for the safety of children & hand them over to abusive parents.

    So many children are no longer with us because of violent parents.
    FL made the other parent hand them over.

    SO many that they barely make the news, if at all. The Red Heart Foundation is the ONLY place where these children & mothers (usually) are commemorated. It's a horrifying memorial & one ALL Australians should see.
    Otherwise they're not even noticed by the broader community. It disgusts me.

    I just showed another son his card. He said "You didn't make us not see them. WE made YOU fight for us. They can go to hell" indeed they will.
    That son wants to join the Police force.

    I want to call, text demon, write it a letter. Scream where no one can hear me. But instead I'll cry in the bath and Pray this ends. Write in my diary.
    Write more in my book for the children should they have questions & I'm not here to answer. There are enough Court docs to sink a battleship. The lies stand out. The truth shines.

    My children lived it.

    EM

    2 people found this helpful
  17. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    18 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Oh Ems … I don't know what to say. You sound so rattled, and you have every right to be. Your poor baby having turned white as ghost! I'm angry that they've decided to haunt you again. WHY was the demon's mother there? what does she want? ugh. It's clearly triggering bad memories and trauma for you today - I'm so sorry about your ordeal. Thinking abouot your son, too. I hope you both can find comfort in each other, have a distraction of some description and try to forget her ugly face or presence. Take a breather. She can no longer hurt you.

    Love Blubes

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  18. ecomama
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    18 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Thanks Bluberry. I had a long hot bath and scrubbed every cm of my body.
    I watched "The Repair Shop" on ABC iView and loved it.

    All the while quite deeply triggering over all my family heirlooms destroyed - literally smashed by demon mother and son. And demon mthr actions today. I'll call it DM.

    DM showed up at the children's workplace to leave cards there for the children's bdays. A few have their bday this weekend, becoming adults. Other cards were bdays DM missed, as DM usually DOES miss their bdays entirely.

    Not her own. DM managed to send scathing, attempts at laying unadulterated guilt & hatred on the chn around HER bday. Queen of all narcs. Family laden with them.

    You see their usual triangulation option was the kid's school.This year I sought legal advice & spoke with the main person allowing these creatures access to the school whenever they felt like it. Leaving letters whatevs.
    Terrifying the chn that School was NOT SAFE.

    YEARS OF THIS and no matter how many meetings I had with said person or how much I emplored that their MH was extremely negatively affected, it meant not a dot and I was FURIOUS.

    I knew this person was WAY out of line according to their Departmental Policies and I knew these Policies back to front. Didn't matter a dot.

    Legal advice was that I could personally sue this person & I told her so this year. She must STOP all access as they have ZERO legal rights to the chn AT ALL. I was prepping to sue.

    She stopped their access.... FINALLY.

    So they've sought the chns work place now. DM took cards there. How dare it.

    My children are it's ONLY grandchildren without massive addictions to everything. The only ones WORKING, even though they're the youngest. The only ones set on careers.
    DM wants money. It primed all other g/chn in FRONT OF ME to give her money & "keep" her into her old age. I said "Don't look at my chn to support you". She told me for the entire dirty marriage that I SHOULD support her too!

    OMG ROFL... no way. DM DEMANDED I pay for .... wait for it.... plastic surgery for her.... hair replacements therapy bc it was BALDING.... I had bought diamonds for my daughters.... DM demanded diamonds from me.
    Oh what are you on?
    And courses & car repairs & clothes & shoes.
    We always had to supply food when we were INVITED there. Oh the list goes on.

    Via ex they stole 10s of thousands of dollars from me. Stole daughters' jewellery, stole anything that was of worth & wasn't tied down.

    They're all gamblers also.
    EM

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  19. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey uncle Croix & lovely Ems,

    I couldn't open word to edit my complaint today. I tried on a few occasion and I .. I just COULDN'T!! What is wrong with me? I'm hard on myself for feeling so weak (I used to be so strong). I kept reminding myself that they cannot hurt me, that I'm safe. This is unbelievable.

    Uncle Croix, I do have to do the paper work all alone, for I haven't got anyone in my life. I have no family, and my friends and support network are all gone. They've been alienated from me. All doors were effectively shut on me. I have to build up a network with new people I meet, essentially starting over. I'm all alone right now. Absolutely no psych help atm - perhaps one day, but not right now. The only professional help I require is a darn good lawyer. Ems, I will be contacting the Women's legal Centre for advice and support.

    Uncle, to answer your question .. yes, I do want to do this for several reasons excluding any legal reasons. The main reason is to seek clear answers as to what happened to me - to ascertain the truth in order to get closure. In other words, why did they do what they did (motive). Another reason is, community protection. I do NOT want any body else to go through what I went through. And lastly, I want to do this for the purpose of accountability - the individuals involved must at least acknowledge the harm/ hurt they've caused.

    I wanted to forget and to simply move forward, but I find myself in greater agony with the inaction .. it doesn't make any sense, as I'm also finding it painful when I do take action (editing my letter). Arrghhh! This is UNREAL!! Another added layer of torment is accessing justice - it's going to be extremely difficult with stumbling blocks, so you're not painting any pictures that I don't already know. Yes, it is far from rosy but I'd rather die trying than to regret never trying at all. Whatever will be, will be.

    Blubes x

    1 person found this helpful
  20. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1661 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Blubes, firstly there's nothing wrong with you. You're a normal person who's suffered abuse & these abuses are triggering you, not surprisingly, because that's what trauma does.

    I suggest you close it up now.

    Phone Women's Legal Service & amongst anything you want to ask them...
    Ask if you can email your work so far for editing.

    There are also Community Legal services whom you may be able to call. Atm Covid would prevent you from visiting in person but this could be a saving Grace. I know I just cry when having to articulate these events, IDK if you are same but distress is a visible thing.

    This anxiety you're feeling is counter acting any progress you want to make.

    Whilst you have a break until you phone a Legal service, Google grounding exercises & search here too re: anxiety.

    You need to have MANY grounding techniques to help you cope if you are going to move forward with your plans. I had staunch training from the Red Heart Foundation of their tried & true practices of grounding for all us exiting DV r/ships & going through similar.

    I had many I needed to do at different times. Screeching anxiety is what I'd call driving to the Court House(s), parking the car, going up secret lifts, accompanied by Security, waiting in the Safe Room, entering Court to wait in the "audience" ugh.
    Then moving to my seat.
    Sitting at the table.

    At one point I wanted to vomit. I didn't have a vomit bag. I saw a bin near a Security Officer next to me & thought I would use that. Instead I sipped water provided in small sips & tried to focus on the glass & God.
    Next time I took vomit bags.

    You need to practice these techniques NOW. As in right now. Find that peace inside you. It's there, but clouded by trauma.

    Find all the ones you can. Practice these. See which ones work better than others.
    These are your soothers as you will need to self soothe and self settle.

    A word of awareness... for reasons unbeknownst to me Judges, male or female, "change" their approach when a person gets upset in the Court Room. I witnessed this "change" in their demeanour so many times and it was sobering. They just don't like it.

    I can't understand why a person WOULDN'T get upset hearing, seeing. knowing the worst things being said against them. But they seem to respect a person more if they remain composed. I saw this too & was commended on my composure. Congratulated even by one Judge. Totally weird.

    If they only knew the torment and desperation inside me.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Ems, my family is full of narcissists also. My oldest cousin (female), my aunty & my sister. One of the characteristics of narcissism is thieving. I've had money and goods taken from me over the years. It's almost like they're entitled to other belongings.

    I re-read your message and apologize for reading it incorrectly .. yes, DM was there to hand out b' day cards - how dare she after everything she's put you through. Should this continues and after telling her to stay away on several ocassions, you might have to take an intervention order on her. Keep records of date, time, and cards, as well as note any other contacts. Hopefully, this will be the last time she does anything like this again.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    The court system is not a pleasant place to be - it's a stressful & depressing environment. The courts do not like people reacting or show any emotional responses. It is viewed as being overwrought, not composed. Court is austere and formal and the judges reflect this, so any reaction will not work in your favour. It is just cold, in my opinion.

    Ems, I have a property that is worth x amount of money, I don't believe these organisations can help (other than for simple legal advice, which I have knowledge of anyway), as I wouldn't meet their criteria for funding. I'll have to pay for a lawyer. I don't have the money for one at the moment.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1661 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Thankyou for your feedback dear Blubes....

    Police don't regard giving cards as reason for AVO whatsoever. Or intermittent calls. Or periodically visiting the kid's school. I've already investigated this.

    SO I got them all new phones. All ex and family are blocked from all kids social media. I exited all social media.

    Blubes the Women's Legal Service doesn't care what property you own. At all. This is not a Legal Aid service.

    It's only Legal Aid that has criteria like this.

    Nor do Community Legal services. No criteria.

    Neither offer to represent you. Though they can offer to support you throughout your entire Legal journey. WLS did this for me.... it was extreme and we were in extreme danger from the threats. Courts didn't think so as they had stopped for a month by me blocking.

    I ended up being given the direct number to the Head Honcho at WLS as my "hotline" and was asked to call any time. Esp before and after each Court Hearing as they kept notes.
    THEN WLS guided me what to tell my Lawyers / Barristers.
    WLS knew more than them.

    ALOT more. They were up to date on EVERYTHING. At first my Lawyer hated this but I would not stop and she actually thanked me in the end as NO ONE actually saw what was coming.
    (Disclosures from the kids to Court). My Lawyer knew esp with the Royal Commission reports I'd made that she was in over her head.
    ALL of them were.

    But she was the ONLY Lawyer I was not conflicted out of for hundreds of klms. ex had been seeing EVERY Lawyer possible for the free half hour to conflict me out and leave me high and dry.

    IF you call WLS and a Community Law support service then you will know this.
    They may or may not be able to support you in the way I want. I know all Law sectors are snowed under thickly bec of Covid.
    But you can try.

    EM

    2 people found this helpful
  24. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hey Ems,

    You're a fountain of knowledge, thank you. I will give them a call. Thanks for the info, darl.

    You ABSOLUTELY can file for an intervention order. As this falls within the civil, not criminal division, applying for one would be in yours and the children's best interest - you may lodge an application to stop family violence (physical or mental) of any unwanted acts that are designed to cause harm or distress of ANY NATURE (doesn't have to be violent). In your case, because of your back ground and history with this family, you should at least go for it. The court will factor in the circumstances and the grievances DM caused to you and your children. Furthermore, you have explixitly told her not to contact you again repeatedly, it falls under the area of stalking.

    Any way, enjoy your weekend and relax yourself. I'm super bored atm.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to ecomama
    What are you up to? I'm so bored & feeling down right now. Covid lock down is def taking its toll on me, as I can't go anywhere. I'm also desperately yearning for some friends to socialize and connect with. I miss having friends. I feel like crying.
    I used to be social and outgoing. I'm super gregarious, although I'm both introverted & extroverted. Peoples perception of me is that I'm a 'party animal' cause of the way I look - both men & women think so. I used to be, not too much these days... My partying days are over, meaning my priorities in life had changed over the years. I still 'party
    1 person found this helpful
  26. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Sorry, I accidentally hit the reply button whilst I was typing and didn't finish my last thread properly.
    As I was saying .. I'm a gregarious person and I miss having friends.
    I feel sad about everyone closing their doors on me, people I thought were my friends getting involved in the scam and betrayed me. I haven't a soul left. I'm really feeling the loneliness & isolation.
    1 person found this helpful
  27. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1661 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Hi Bluberry

    Sorry I wasn't around last night. I was like a pinball in a pinball machine, making about 16 trips out of the house for my kid's 18th birthday family celebrations.

    When I drive too much my right foot aches - manual car. BIG OOMPA loompa car lol.

    So I had to go to bed in between, nap, put my foot up etc.

    They're about to arrive any minute but I wanted to say HANG IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm quite like you gregarious and extroverted but extremely introverted at times too now.

    Please visit ABC iView - they have great shows on MH and they've helped me alot through this time.

    Love you, they're here...
    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Bluberry
    Bluberry avatar
    317 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Hey,
    Kinda over watching t.v tbh. Been doing that last 7 - 8 months now because of covid lockdown.
    I really don't know what else to do.
    1 person found this helpful
  29. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    1661 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to Bluberry

    Hi sweetheart

    I swept off my balcony today and swept around my old antique chairs out there.

    Have you thought about doing some type of upcycling furniture?
    One of my fave upcycle projects to do is OLD CHAIRS.
    I LOVE chalk paint - heck I love ANY paint I think lol.

    Also monkey_magic is doing a paint by numbers of a waterfall.
    YD is doing one too of a rainforesty scene.

    I prefer fine pointed coloured textas and my Colourtations book.
    And using watercolour pencils. They're beautiful.

    But I also have about 5 unfinished (but started) cross stitches.
    I love crotchet and knitting. I have lots of wool but no inspiration for these atm.

    I do love felting and sewing cute little things like different sized gnomes lol. Using blanket stitch.
    I keep these in my "waiting bag" which is needed less and less as the kids grow up. Not waiting at dancing, gym, Drs etc etc much anymore.

    Do you sew? do you have a sewing machine?

    OR YOU CAN GET THE BUG and join our gardening group lol! It's the MOST perfect time to grow some easy veg and or herbs.... and they taste THE BEST in cooking. So much better than supermarket stuff.
    I do all this very cheaply using Permaculture methods. Seldom buy anything.

    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  30. monkey_magic
    monkey_magic avatar
    3281 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to ecomama
    Hi all,

    Finally finished that paint by numbers waterfall! Looks magical. I couldn't paint masterpieces like it if it weren't for paint by numbers. I'd recommend it Bluberry!

    The other day I had a Bluberry/ banana smoothie and laughed to myself. I thought oh blueberries lol. Do you like them? I'm a fan.

    When I'm bored I browse the net or play online pokies which is a pretty bad habit. Social media is prob better and costs nothing. Have u found anything else to do?

    My car's also manual Eco, new one will be auto though... taking the easy Rd...now...

    🌼🌺🌼

    2 people found this helpful

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