My husband and dad had a fight a year back which resulted in me also not talking to my dad.

Anyway I now have a 2month old and my husband forbids me taking my son to my parents house to Christmas.

My son can see my parents but not at their house and he thinks Mt fam is toxic.

I dunno what to do..

Hi Sad5,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry to hear this, it must feel very difficult for you.

I understand that people fight and it can cause a family upset but I also believe in forgiveness and letting things go and trying to be positive.

Im sorry that the fight also stopped you from speaking to your dad how heartbreaking that would be…… our Dads are sometimes our first loves as daughters and I’m sure your dad would feel a lot for you being his daughter.

The negativity around not being able to take your child to your parents house for Christmas must be so hard and upsetting for both sides…… it’s really tough……

Would you like to take your child to your parents house for Christmas?

Would you also like to be on speaking terms with your dad?

People change and people grow…

Can your husband learn to forgive and see your point of view?

Hello Sad5, with your husband and your dad having a fight does make it awkward because both may be unable to change their mind or stuck in their ways and don't want to change, this makes it difficult to know what to do because if you go against one of them, then problems are going to occur.

This all depends on how you feel and who you agreed with after the fight they had and whether or not any points they made can be changed to an acceptable agreement, however, with a 2 month old baby I'm sure your work is more fixed on looking after the baby.

Can you come to an agreement that your parents can see the baby for a couple of hours only and that no discussion from previous events are allowed to be spoken about.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi, welcome

I would suggest that this demand from your husband is a form of control and so, like any direct control, is unacceptable. You should be able to exercise your rights, not feel you are "owned".

I suggest you seek a family/marriage counselor. If your husband wont attend the sessions then attend alone but keep the details away from him if he asks as he has the opportunity to attend and he cant have that both ways.

I hope you have a good xmas in a park or mutual grounds just for this xmas to keep the peace.

TonyWK

Hi,

I am sorry for what you are going through. i can see that you are feeling helpless. It must be so difficult to deal with that.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? He cannot 'demand' you to do anything. You should have freedom in your relationship. At the end of the day, he is your dad.

It may take time for things to settle.

Stay safe and I am here to char if you need me.

Merry Christmas Sad5……….

I agree that your husband can’t forbid you to do anything………… you have your own mind and you know what’s wrong and what’s right.

Go with your gut….

It's so complicated. To be fair to my husband last Christmas we went to the.big event and he agreed knowing my fam would be there and I was hoping that would kinda resolve things.

My family purposely didn't tell me they were not coming so I rocked up and just found them not there it hurt me so much.

Also the situation with my dad is not my choice it's his. I've reached out to my father multiple times and he has rejected my gifts and not responded to my messages. He didn't even congratulate me on my child's birth and hasn't reached out at all.

So christmas lunch would of been the first time I spoke or saw him in over a year.

My main issue my husband had with Christmas at my parents was it was at my parents and they only invited us the night before. My dad still hadn't spoke to me.

He told me I could go but not our son. He said he did this to protect us both as he felt I would of been attacked by my dad verbally if I went because it was clear he had no regrets as he hadn't contacted me.

As it was so last minute the invitation I decided not to go. As he was right my dad had not tried to contact me and had made no effort at all. He had also hurt me over and over again this year without remorse.

I got calls all day and now my family hates me...

I think now we have a son this needs to be resolved as yesturday hurt me so much. My heart broke for my son and my family..

Christmas has always been an important and special day for me and now its a day of heart ache because my husband and father will not look past their egos to resolve the issues they have.

This is also the problem...

My dad will not compromise and if they asked me earlier I am sure we could of worked it out but I was originally not invited until the 24 December so I had no hope...

And he shouldn't of used my son and hasn't before... but he felt like them inviting us the night before and it being my mum not my dad would result in a messy yucky day as nothing was resolved and my dad still hadn't spoken to me.

I dunno I just feel horrid I hate conflict I am always the one that gives in to keep the peace and my husband doesnt want me to. As my family have not acknowledged the pain they have put me through and still continue to just blame me.

Even though I've tried to make contact with my dad multiple times and he has made a point of ignoring me and hurting me.

Hi Sad5

I really feel for you.

For what it’s worth, I think your family are being really unfair to you and it feels like your husband was trying to protect you.

Expecting you to accept the invitation with all the unresolved issues with your dad hanging around was a big ask. Going to your family Christmas would have been a huge risk given the “trick” they played the previous year. No telling how your father might have responded on the day. And I’ve no doubt it wouldn’t have felt “right”being there without your husband, particularly as this was your baby’s first Christmas.

Put the shoe on the other foot, what would have happened if you had invited them all to your place the day before Christmas? Would your dad have come? Would the others have come without him? I don’t think so.

I’m actually wondering if the invitation was made in good faith. Most people would have already made plans for Christmas and be forced to decline. So, the invitation puts them on the high road and automatically makes you look bad and means you carry the guilt. Very unfair to you.

Your family’s response to you not attending is also really disappointing. I’m wondering if it would pay to have an honest and open conversation with mum or whoever you are closest too about what happened and how torn you felt.

But I think moving forward you need to think about what’s best for your family—you, your husband and child. Your family’s needs have to come first or the stress on your marriage will only increase.

Kind thoughts to you

Thank you and I agree that my husband was right in the end I am glad I didn't go..

It was a plot to say I am guilty and they did nothing wrong and would of felt uncomfortable all day.

It has now opened up conversations and I have agreed to meet my dad on neutral ground as I feel uncomfortable going to their place considering how they have treated me.

They think I am being unreasonable and being almost bitchy about it but I am doing what's best for me

Hi Sad5

I’m glad the lines of communication are now open and I like the idea of neutral ground to meet with your father.

It might feel awkward at first and it might take more than one meeting to resolve your issues. But healing a family rift is possible if both parties approach it in good faith and with integrity.

Do what feels right for you in the moment.

How does your husband feel about this plan? It would be good to know he has your back.

Kind thoughts to you

Truthfully I haven't spoken to him about it. But my thinking is he doesn't mind as long as I don't go back to their house as he thinks it makes us look guilty.

I also want to see what my family attitude is. I have a bad feeling that they still don't see how their behaviour is wrong.

Hi Sad,

I'm glad Summer Rose has kept this going. I hasvent had a need to respond due to her thoughtful replies.

One thing that has crossed my mind is how us humans are all different and therefore families, their thinking processes are quite individual. Such thinking patterns are so different we often have to tolerate odd decisions for the sake of harmony.

Like not visiting their house but hubby doesnt mind meeting them in a park or other house. Seems odd but I suspect its a pride based decision. Such a demand you can easily simply not violate until things calm down or resolve itself.

So I think you are on the right track.

TonyWK

Hi Sad5,

Im sorry that all of this has happened to you in the past it’s sad……. I’m sorry that your Dad has been behaving the way he has………

I understand it’s hard when people can’t acknowledge that they too have caused some of the damage.

It may take them time to take a step back and admit to their faults to themselves and grow from it so they can then try to make a change from their previous behaviour to a more positive one.

It takes a bigger person to be able to forgive themselves and others so everyone can move forward.

I really hope in the future that your Dad and yourself can come to an understanding.

I hope your Dad can acknowledge what really is important…… not to be wrong or right But to realise that love and kindness is the way forward.

Wishing you all the best for your future 😊

Hi Sad5

I agree that it is entirely possible that your family may not see that their behaviour is wrong. Perhaps even probable.

Hope it’s ok to share a story …

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother in law and she has done some horrible things over the years to hurt me. Which, in turn, has hurt my husband.

She has never admitted fault. She finds a way to justify everything she does. She has never apologised.

But I have chosen to forgive her. I don’t want to carry anger, grudges or bitterness, as I see it as a waste of my energy that achieves nothing and only hurts me. Kind of like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I also don’t want to hurt my husband. And I don’t want me, my husband or our children to lose our relationships with my father in law and the rest of the extended family.

So, who is right or wrong becomes less important when I consider the big picture. I keep to my firm boundaries and try to let things go and I have the love and support of my wonderful husband throughout.

Just food for thought.

Good luck talking with your father. I hope it goes well.

Kind thoughts to you

I think it's because he believes it looks like we are guilty if we go to their house. I think in future if all is good it won't be a problem. It's pride but also making a point.

My dad has always used lines like "this is my house" and if he does you a favour it will be brought up if you say he does something wrong.

I get it. I don't really wanna go to.their house and they are really pushing for me to go.

Their attitudes have kinda been poor them the whole time with no thought to my husband.

So do I... my big issue is if I let it go to early he will continue to talk down ro.my husband because he did nothing wrong and my husband is the jerk in his eyes.

It's hard. It's me against my whole fam.

Oh I totally get that bit my husband is the one that is hurt... if he did what you did there wouldn't be a problem. But to be fair he tried for a year and just snapped.

And there has been a rift ever since. My dad made it worse by using me to hurt my husband.

So now my husband wants nothing to do with him and doesn't want me going to my dads house.

I have cried so many times because how.my father has treated me. I basically lost my family for a year.

The situation is hard but I have no control over my husbands actions

I have strong views on freedoms and personalities. If I had an issue with my father in law, I would never expect my wife to agree with me nor take sides and as a free adult and her happiness paramount in my mind I'd want her to have a continual relationship with him. I'd also believe I should not introduce boundaries/rules as that means I'm controlling her. I don't own her.

If I banned her from his house I would be using her as a weapon and I'd be bossy.

No one can expect to get along with other people but it's sad that loving families raise a child to adulthood only to lose them due to friction between them and a new addition like a son in law that uses control over his wife to inflict hurt.

I don't agree on how your husband is restricting your relationship with your parents. One should not use people as ammunition including children.

TonyWK

Yes agreed but I think he is so hurt and because my family have totally disregarded his feelings as nothing does not help.

My husband feels my dad made racist comments to belittle him and he is worried that he will make similar comment's to my son..

Quite a web there, Sad5, and so many angles from which to view...

1] This is between your husband and your father - no one else, not you, your mother, and definitely not your innocent son. Next year you should all go out for Christmas and leave your husband and father to enjoy each other's company at home... together! Something is bound to come of that little exchange - and not necessarily what you might be thinking (;))

2] Christmas is a time to put aside differences, if only for a day - engaging in the spirit if not the sentiment means holding one's tongue in all camps and letting things pass through to the keeper. Sometimes a simple "This is not the time..." comment can realign the mindset to the purpose of the gathering - there is no 'sprung floor', no ropes around the room, and no starter's bell for 'seconds out'!

3] You belong to your family (husband, wife and child) and as such this must remain your priority. While acknowledging the discontentment of your own parents, you are right to support your husband (and hopefully talk him around for the sake of your son). Keeping yourselves 'upright' and bonded will allow you to face and overcome any obstacle (even in the 'enemy's' house) - calling out what is unfair in defense of your husband and condemning poor conduct from your father because you are no longer a child and beholden to his authority. You determine how you will be treated as a guest in his house and you can, if need be, simply get up and leave- maybe try again another day until the message sinks in.

You do this FOR your parents and for your son - it is not your obligation, but your consideration that family is best when sharing the joy of new members.