Hi Davidian and Johnb,
I would like to welcome you both to Beyond Blue and to the community here.
In a way it is a shame that more people reading your story Davidian have not left a message. It seems you have hit a nerve in a lot of people! Either that or the word SEX has them excited. (sorry if that doesn't quite sit right with you!)
I'd like to share a little from the other side of the story, after all I am a female and don't have quite the same problem you guys have.
About 10 years ago my husband developed testicular cancer and had to have one testicle removed. At the time we were still trying for our family. We have no live children.
The Drs. all told my husband he should still be able to perform normally and we could still try for a pregnancy. My husband tried Viagra and only really achieved a headache from that! We tried other stuff as well but that didn't help.
I think my husband gave up or it was all too hard for him. He is a private kind of guy so talking about his intimacy problems did not happen. He decided that if he could not enjoy any form of sexual intimacy then I was not to either.
No more touching. Separate beds. Now separate rooms. No hugs. No kisses. Just a cold hard stone wall that is impenetrable. He tells me I should be happy that we are still friends.
It breaks my heart to live this way. He will not talk to me about it. He will not attend counselling with me. He won't talk with our Dr. about it with me.
Despite all of that I still love him. I have had chances to go elsewhere and see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but we are still married. He is still my husband.
As hard as it is guys, try to get all the help you can. It is an embarrassing topic, but please talk about it. Talk to your ladies. Let them know that you love them. Hold them, it doesn't have to be in a sexual way, just let them know you still love them.
Be creative guys. There are many ways you can make love to a woman with out having an erection.
I'm sure the internet is full of suggestions, and I am not talking about porn either. If you look you will find some great advice. The library has some informative books as well, you might want to ask your lady to borrow them though so you don't feel so embarrassed.
Your ladies may come up with some very creative ways for them to still enjoy intimacy. Once the pressure is off yourselves, maybe then things will happen naturally again.
Cheers from Lauren