I have had a crush on my co-worker for nearly a year and despite some innocent flirting, it never went anywhere... until last weekend he asked me out on a date. He is known for being a bit of a player and I knew that going in but I was so caught up in the fact that he liked me that I chose to ignore all the signs and agreed to go out with him. You see, I am pretty lonely and was a 26yr old virgin(not by choice) so while I really wanted more, I was so desperate to lose my virginity that I convinced myself I would be ok even if he wasn’t interested in anything other than sex. Anyway, we went out and had a really good time and he told me how he was looking for a relationship and how much he liked me and told me all this personal stuff and I ended up sleeping with him. However, pretty soon after it became clear that he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything further. Despite knowing this was a possible option I still feel really hurt and used by him and while I don’t regret it, I have a lot of complex emotions, especially since I have never been intimate like this before. It hurts to have to see him every day at work and while he is being professional about it, I am really struggling because I know I have brought this on myself. I just feel humiliated and stupid. How do I get over him?

Hi Ebc94

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. It can be absolutely awful being around someone who brings up these types of feelings - I know it well.

I slept with a coworker at one point too and ended up in a very similar situation to you where I was looking for something more and they weren't. I had been sexually active before this though, so I understand that there is an extra layer to your situation which would be tough.

Seeing this person around work was really difficult and even though I remained professional on the outside, it hurt me a lot on the inside. In the end, I realised it was his loss and I actually ended up feeling sorry for him funnily enough.

You sound like such an amazing personand it's absolutely his loss if he doesn't want to pursue anything with you. You're in a really lucky position where you have been able to see his true colours early on and distance yourself, because I'm sure you don't want to be with a person like that either.

Hi, welcome

I've thought about this somewhat.

I think you have 3 options-

1. Change jobs
2. Leave it as it is and just try to be friendly. Life goes on and wish him well.
3. Let him know directly or via someone else that you have found a person special in your life. Jealousy is a powerful emotion.

I hope you allow time to heal.

TonyWK

Dear ebc,

Firstly, I want to call you out on something you said - "I know I have brought this on myself." Yes, you made an adult decision to be intimate, and it must have been amazing to finally be with someone you'd had feelings for for a long time, but you've done nothing blameworthy. This is just part and parcel of life's journey - we do some things that later turn out to be things we don't look back at fondly but we do what we do with the knowledge and feelings we have at that point in time. We can't predict what will happen.

I totally agree with socialmoth when saying that you have this opportunity to see your colleague's behaviour at an early stage before you get hurt later on. In my late teens and early 20s I had crushes and it felt amazing to be with them when it worked out that way, but what i realised is that who I have a crush on is not often a good indication of who I am compatible with in a meaningful relationship. I sort of felt star struck with my crushes and lived in the moment but always acted terribly awkwardly with them in other social settings. It was only physical and the rest was cringeworthy. Often I realised they only wanted something physical. I exerted so much time and effort hoping they would change and want a relationship with me but with the benefit of hindsight I see now that I was never made to feel good about myself with those people - like me, you (and everyone!) are deserving of someone who likes you as a package.

I know - easier said than done. But I know from experience that holding out hope that things will change is often time wasted, when you could spend that time developing friendships and connections with other people more suited to you.

As for how you behave around this person at work, would an option be to ask for a quick chat and ask to clear the air and just say that it was fun and you are happy it happened but that maybe you both shouldn't do it again? It's tricky trying to work out how to act. Another option is to explore other dating options - I have found in the past that meeting someone new magically makes me lose feeling for the other person, and you might gradually find that you become less awkward with the person at work.

Best wishes!

Ebc94

Welcome and thanks for making your first post. Many reading your post will relate to you.

Please don’t feel bad, you made a choice that did not work out the way you thought.

I like socialmoth saying that she realised it was his loss.

You sound like a strong person. Ultimately you have to decide if you can cope with seeing him.

From experience the bad feelings do go away . When I was high with bipolar I made many bad decisions,.