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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Really struggling to identify my sexuality

Topic: Really struggling to identify my sexuality

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. BlueArt
    BlueArt avatar
    13 posts
    15 October 2020

    Hi guys,

    this might be a long one cause I'm super confused. I just really can't pinpoint my sexuality and it is starting to really frustrate me and interfere with life.

    I'm a 24 year old female and I've only had one relationship that could be considered serious. I am still a virgin and honestly just don't know what I want. I'm wondering if I'm asexual. When I look at people I don't feel that rush of sexual attraction or any kind of sexual thoughts towards them, but when I see things on TV or in movies like two characters flirting or being dominant or similar then I feel something. I'm not really sure what the something is. It happens with both male and female characters. But when it comes to people in real life I feel nothing.

    I can see beauty and recognise it, it feels nice if someone flirts with me, but I just don't seem to feel anything but panic in return. Whenever someone seems remotely interested in me I get this feeling of absolute panic and cut it off. I don't even know why! It's like I feel trapped and i'll end up hurting them by leaving later so I just leave immediately.

    It is just so confusing. I want to fall in love and meet my person, but everytime someone gets close to me i panic. Not to mention the no idea on if i want sex bit but I want sex when it's not involving me.

    I just have no idea what's going on with me and what to do. Some friends have said I should just have sex to see what happens but I just never feel attracted enough to anyone to do it.

    Does anyone else feel this? Or have any advice? I feel so dumb that at 24 not only am I still a virgin, that I don't have a clue what I am.

  2. Emmen
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    Emmen avatar
    265 posts
    15 October 2020 in reply to BlueArt

    Hello BlueArt,

    Thank you for reaching out.

    I used to panic and cut it off when people were interested in me as well. Over time, I learnt that it largely stemmed from my uncertainty at how to deal with the situation. At that point, I hardly dated and I was socially anxious and introverted. If you're up for it, I'd suggest try dating more. Forcing yourself (especially initially) to be in a romantic situation could make you more at ease and help you deal with these situations better.

    It's okay not to be sure of your sexuality now. Sometimes you just have to let life happen and let your own realizations come in their own time. Don't worry about labelling your sexuality now. In fact, focus on other aspects of your life, like your job or studies etc instead of focusing on whether you're asexual or not (which is simply going to cause you a lot of anxiety and uncertainty). Over time, you will encounter more people and events that will give you a greater awareness of who you are. There is no rush.

    Also, "just have sex to see what happens" is terrible, terrible advice. Have sex only when you are ready to. It will not magically reveal something to you about yourself, and if you aren't ready, I doubt the experience will be pleasant for you either. If you don't have any desire for it now, there is nothing wrong with it. Remember that it's your body, your life and your choices.

    You're not dumb at all, BlueArt. Everyone goes on their own life journeys and each journey is different. Let yours unfold in its time.

    - M

  3. sunnyl20
    sunnyl20 avatar
    32 posts
    16 October 2020 in reply to BlueArt

    Hi BlueArt,

    You are definitely not alone in feeling like this. It is not unusual to feel confused about your sexuality & what you do or don't like - many people struggle with this, even if they do not admit it openly. Sexuality is such a unique and personal part of who we are. You don't need to label it. Also, please please please don't feel weird or dumb for feeling uncertain about it & definitely don't feel dumb for being a virgin. Don't let others' expectations make you feel that way or pressure you. When you feel ready & when the time feels right, it will happen, but there is no rush. It is also understandable that you get panicked when others show interest & try to pursue something - it can be really daunting to open up to other people & make yourself vulnerable. I agree with Emmen, dating may be a good option when/if you feel up to it to try to help yourself feel more comfortable with exploring relationships & what you are looking for in a partner.

    Take care.

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