Hi, so I've been on this forum for a little while now, and have recently come to the realisation that I want to be a woman, what follows is a hazy recollection of the 3 or so weeks since that happened.
At first I was so excited, finally I'd found out who I really was! But that excitement soon gave way to the rollercoaster of anxiety and depression I'm all too familiar with. For the first couple of weeks I thought I was a fake, that I just wanted to be "different" somehow to spice up my horrifically boring existence, and the terrible reality of what an enormous task I'd have to undertake began to sink in. Now I sit here at 1 in the morning, miserable, feeling that my dreams will never be achieved, a feeling that is in no way helped by my anxiety, which keeps me thinking that every day might be my last. I came out to my brother, and he was accepting and supportive, but I'm not sure how much help he can really be due to his own mental problems, and deep down I wonder if he even believes me.
Coming out, it's supposed to be such a momentous, relieving event isn't it? Well, for me it holds nothing but terror. The only person in my family that I'd feel comfortable talking about this with, my Mother, passed away 3 years ago, likely believing that I hated her due to the crap way I treated her as a teenager. My Father is controlling, and has Asperger's Syndrome, which makes it very hard to get him to understand a lot of things. Add to that the fight we had at the start of the year when he threatened to throw both me and my brother out of the house over trivial things like cleaning, food etc. and you see why I'm dreading telling him about me. There is some small ray of light in here though, my grandmother has always loved and supported me through the years, and she seems like the best person to tell about this next, though I don't imagine she'll be able to offer much support, it'll be nice to let someone else know at least.
I just feel so lost right now, there are no women in my life at all, I have no friends, and I'm practically a recluse, only leaving the house for groceries, exercise, and the occasional job interview or game night. I also feel an immense amount of guilt regarding my mother, and in some ways I feel that what I'm going through now is a redemption of sorts, though I often wonder if I deserve a chance.
Please help, I'm barely holding it together at the moment, I need someone to hug me and tell me everything's going to be OK, but there's no one here.