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Forums / Staying well / Supermarket shelves

Topic: Supermarket shelves

17 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9163 posts
    13 May 2015

    We as humans have control over many things. And we have no control over other things. I can vividly recall words yelled at me as a child "Tony....have some patience". These words were justified in one sense..I'd woken up at 3am on Christmas day and opened up all my presents and in the process woken up everyone else.

    My problem was, I didnt know how to find patience and for many years I was tormented by this. How do I find it? Do I develop it? Do I study for it? What I didnt know as a child and in early adulthood that anxiety had a lot to account for my lack of being able to wait. So anxious, Christmas morning early wake up was uncontrollable. No words aimed at my behaviour would have made any difference...medical intervention was the only way.Fast forward my later adult life and now I realise, being an anxious person I was going to hit a brick wall eventually be it marriage breakdown, work related conflict or other crisis.Those traumatic events were triggers that exploded my illness I didnt know I had

    What does this mean? We read almost daily someone we have compassion about,write about a situation they have found themselves in, say a work situation. This happened, then this, then that, leading to that happening. Often a situation of injustice in the mind of the confused who is the victim. So why did this person get involved in this particular situation of trauma and not someone else? I'm suggesting that in some situations of hype or disagreement, those with a mental illness might find themselves falling into such a conflict easier. Why? A lot of reasons depending on the individual. But those with a mental illness can have traits like sensitivity leading to over reaction, withholding anger due to abuse, less wise due to poor mental growth or enduring depression due to pride etc etc.

    Things like patience, tolerance, wit, etc do not arrive naturally in some of us and we will not develop these important qualities by just being told to get them. They are not purchasable on supermarket shelves. But some are obtainable. They can be developed by means of therapy, learning and maturity through aging. Aging gives up wisdom through experience, tolerance through acceptance learned from years of human gatherings. Wit is one that would be harder to achieve.

    So, if you find yourself in crisis after crisis, you think your life is full of bad luck and incidences. You might have an underlying illness. You are unlikely to find stability unless you get professional help.

    Tony WK

    5 people found this helpful
  2. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8668 posts
    13 May 2015 in reply to white knight

    Hi White Knight,

    Thanks for your interesting post. There is a lot there to ponder and consider.

    From Lauren

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Jacko777
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    13 May 2015 in reply to Doolhof

    Good on you Tony WK, thanks for sharing this.

    From the pain and suffering you have experienced comes the White Knight, the care and support you give to others on this site is phenomenal.

    Jacko

    3 people found this helpful
  4. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    14 May 2015 in reply to white knight

    Hey Tony

    Were you writing about me?  How did you develop ESP? I must be one of the most impatient people around and I want things to happen at least today, if not yesterday.  Tomorrow is far too late.  As my psych says, patience is not one of my virtues.

    Yes I get caught up in situations by rushing in for whatever reason instead of standing back and looking at the options first. Now I should have reached the maturity stage in the patience journey, but alas I still frequently fail. Getting better though.

    One of the characteristics you mention is wit. By this do you mean humour or wisdom? Despite my lack of patience, or perhaps because of it, I believe I have learned some wisdom and this has led to more tolerance. Age generally lends itself to mellowing, or maybe we learn to fight the battles we can win instead of trying for 100%.

    Great post.  I hope others will respond.

    Mary

     

  5. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    14 May 2015 in reply to White Rose

    Hi all,

    Thankyou Jacko777, that was really nice to say....tears me up a bit.

    White Rose, yes I was refering to wit with wisdom.  you know, when someone take a quick shot at you and you cant find a reply quickly to defend yourself. I had a partner once that was oh so quick to reverse the situation to shock the bully for example. They wanted to crawl away after dealing with her.

    Wit has eluded me. We can survive well without it, but with it, it makes things more tolerable as you do less dwelling because you got it off your chest quickly and if you dont then the aggressor thinks they can do it again.

    Its a ruthless world out there.

    Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Vegetarian Marshmallow
    Vegetarian Marshmallow avatar
    269 posts
    15 May 2015 in reply to white knight
    You don't have to be witty to get things off your chest and stand up for yourself.  The meaning of the thing you wish to express, in itself, is probably good enough to be worth saying.

    Interactions shouldn't be "fights".  They should be exchanges of ideas in order to arrive at some new understandings.  When done correctly, there isn't one "winner", but two.  One should avoid becoming defensive when being argued at; being shown that you are wrong about something is a good thing - you should thank the person who has shown you this.  You are now wiser.
    2 people found this helpful
  7. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    15 May 2015 in reply to Vegetarian Marshmallow

    Hi OB,

    Totally agree with that as an ideal and something to aim at. As my siblings have similar issues like depression, anxiety and my late brother no doubt in my mind had bipolar 2 like me. Hence the whole family had mood issues.

    Being told something to any one of us would always be taken negatively. Isnt that sad in itself.

    So in terms of "wit" I'm always using that word (for my low level wit) as to my slow and focussed attack for my defense purposes only during times of nasty comments. Over the years, with experience I've had less need for such reaction due to considering what the person has said and thinking about it quickly. If honest I reply accordingly even if it appears nasty. Then I'll ask them why they are being so nasty about the issue. Often their response is "I wasnt being nasty". Such is my sensitivity.

    So, you are certainly right. An exchange of ideas and a fluid conversation is sort after.A good goal.  Thanks OB

    Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Vegetarian Marshmallow
    Vegetarian Marshmallow avatar
    269 posts
    15 May 2015 in reply to white knight
    Even when you're being attacked, you don't have to respond with an attack of your own in order to defend yourself.  Defence can just be defence.  Like if someone says "Your oral hygeine is below par!", you can react offensively ("Oh yeah, well your nose is leaky!"), you can react defensively ("No it isn't!"), you can informedly defend yourself ("No it isn't, and here is why.  I have taken a global survey of mouth health and third party opinions of mouth health, and published my findings in Oral Health Journal, March 2004."), or you can take in what's said and contemplate it ("Hmm.  I had not considered that; and *sniff* my breath smells fine to me; but I will ask for other opinions on the matter, further investigate whether or not it is actually a bad thing to have bad oral hygiene, and whether it is something that's feasible to change at this life juncture, or rather should be left on the 'to do' list.".

    I think the simple "No it isn't!" case achieves the same level of self-defense as the "Your nose is leaky!", but does less damage to the conversation and relationship.
  9. Vegetarian Marshmallow
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    269 posts
    15 May 2015 in reply to white knight
    Actually, there's even another stage between "Oh yeah, well your nose is leaky!" and "No it isn't!".  That of "Oh yeah, well your nose is leaky! ...   Oh.  I'm sorry I said that.  That was out of line.".  That can be particularly hard to do -  to admit you've done wrong in the heat of the moment, if you can even notice it.  Anyway, one gets better at these things with practice, as it seems you have.
  10. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    9 January 2017 in reply to Vegetarian Marshmallow

    Hi all

    I thought I'd respect my thread here to talk about patience.

    In my first post of thus thread I mentioned that you can't buy patience on supermarket shelves.

    So where do you get it?

    Im pleased to declare that in the past 12 months I've definitely "grown" patience...how?

    Medication, about 18 months ago I fine tuned my meds for bipolar2, depression and dysthymia. Mood stabilisers were the ones out of quantity. Getting them in the "sweet spot" made an enormous difference.

    Stress reduction. I'd retired 3.5 years ago. It took 2 years to deprogram myself after 42 years of shift work.

    Dividing responsibilities. For me there was a need to eliminate myself from the household finances. My wife and I sat down and revamped things. Some bill were placed on direct debit. We started a savings plan.

    Holidays. We toured Australia for 13 weeks. We had issues with our travelling friends but we thrived after that and it was hugely beneficial in terms of life with fulfillment.

    So there are indirect reasons I've become calmer and happier. When I'm more content I'm more patient.

    What do you think? Have you ideas on how to get patience?

    Tony WK

  11. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    24 May 2020 in reply to white knight

    Today I attended a large hardware store and fell into s queue.

    The lady at the front getting served was ordering a cubby house so this process took a long time eg delivery, delivery instructions etc.

    There was 4 of us waiting. Over the next 20 minutes all 3 left in a huff including one that threw some obscenities.

    Finally the buyer left and I was next- the 3 that had left were now behind me.

    It seems I have grown some patience!

    TonyWK

  12. blondguy
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    blondguy avatar
    11198 posts
    24 May 2020 in reply to white knight

    Hi TonyWK

    I have been on a mission to start taking life less seriously as I have been....and its working slowly but surely :-) The more relaxed I am the greater my patience is

    Being in that queue would have been 'hard yakka' for myself. Your posts are inspirational TonyWK

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Sleepy21
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    Sleepy21 avatar
    4076 posts
    24 May 2020

    Hi Tony

    I'm so grateful for this lovely thread. You've given so much insight, in such an interesting way too - it's so helpful and you probably won't know how many people read and gain from your thoughts!!!

    We need to work on ourselves sometimes and I think that means facing ourselves and being honest with ourselves.
    I've always felt very connected to mindfulness and meditation which is something I've had to dive into to improve my own anxiety and tension. I also am very impatient and like to control things - to know 100 percent the outcome, and not leave anything to chance...

    Through this journey, one perk is we get to know ourselves a bit better, which has lots of benefits....

    Thank you again for this post. blessing us all with oodles of patience.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9163 posts
    25 May 2020 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi sleepy

    thankyou, That is so nice.

    you might get benefit from this thread-

    use google

    beyondnlue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

    TonyWK

  15. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    18 September 2021 in reply to white knight

    I mentioned in my first post about "patience" and how you cant buy it nor get education to improve it.

    Lockdown is testing patience. Is any of you out of such patience? How have you survived?

    My wife and I have started building a racing car set. We noticed that most owners of train sets and racing sets buy scale buildings, but we have found on the internet a mob from USA that you buy printouts on your computer and print a building then glue that to cardboard and assemble. Churches, general stores, fire stations etc. We've had a lot of fun together for a fraction of the price.

    Anyone got other ideas they would like to share?

    TonyWK

  16. Succulent Queen
    Succulent Queen avatar
    39 posts
    23 September 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony, Thanks for sharing your thoughts so consistently. I always know Im going to take away a golden nugget or two from your writing.

    A couple of things you wrote were very interesting and I was wondering if you could say more about the following, "witholding anger due to abuse" and

    "enduring depression due to pride"

    Would love to hear you expand on those:)

  17. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    24 September 2021 in reply to Succulent Queen

    Hi SQ,

    " But those with a mental illness can have traits like sensitivity leading to over reaction, withholding anger due to abuse, less wise due to poor mental growth or enduring depression due to pride etc etc."

    Those two phrases were two examples of some people with a mental illness/s (plus "sensitivity leading to over reaction and less wise due to poor mental growth ") that some of us possess due to our illness and such traits cannot be rectified by selecting a remedy off a supermarket shelf.

    "Due to mental abuse" I was referring to some of us that had inherited our illness from a parent with mental illness that led to abuse. EG a BPD parent and the negative effect on their child (not all of course). Mood swings of a bipolar parent- the same. Manipulation, emotional blackmail etc , yes, had that in my childhood.

    "enduring depression due to pride" was referring to being a child of a parent with excessive control over the child. Suppression. That leads to depression and other spinoffs like lack of self esteem and confidence.

    As a 17yo airman in the Air Force I was constantly told to "grow up", how does a 17yo person do that? Is the box of maturity biscuits next to the cereal? So those phrases were a few real life symptoms of some of us (and many others caused by MI) that separates us from the mainstream of 'normality'.

    I sometimes dont elaborate as much as I should as I'm worried about character limits and waffling on. So I'm glad I have the opportunity to do so now.

    Any further questions of if you'd like to keep on this topic by all means ask.

    TonyWK

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