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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

Topic: Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

  1. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    20 July 2021
    Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6141 posts
    20 July 2021 in reply to geelt
    Hey Geelt,
     
    Thank you so much for reaching out tonight. We're are so sorry to hear of the negative thoughts and feeling you're having about yourself. We can hear from your post that you're not stupid and are trying hard to feel better. Visting your GP and speaking with us here on the forums are evidence of that. We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone.

    Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you. Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
     
    2 people found this helpful
  3. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    22 July 2021
    I am not currently recieving any mental health support i am waiting to discuss with my gp about getting support but i will just end up getting frustrated and hate myself for being a stupid useless waste of everythng. Talking to anyone wont help im too stupid to do anything to help myself. too stupid to listen to anything only get frustrated and only can take out myh frustration by hitting myself and crying like the pathetic waste of life stupid. dont want to take medicatgion because it just makes me frujstrated about thinking about it becaus i am stujpid cant sleep cant be allowed to do anythin on my own because i stupid would rather feel horrible and trash as punishment for being stupid than see the psychiatrist again its just saves the hassle of feeling stupid idiot again without having to deal with everything my fault for taking medication in the first place it wont changehow i feel about how stupid and unporoductive i am because im a stupid who does not even want to be alive everything is just feeling stupod and bad about being alive until i can distract myself by wasting everyhhing trying to avoid everything that will get me mad mindfulnessonly works when i am in the right mind head cant even do mindfulness without hating myself then hating myself because i am stuupisd cant sleep ebecause im stupid crying because im stupid beccause im stupid cant lie on the flloor without stupidca cant exist because stupid ruinng future because stupid head wont shut up ebcause i am stupid cant even form proper sentences because stuppid just stupid too stupid to kill myself too stupid to deasl with my consewuquences of being stupid for stupid cant control when people do things so i can actually try doing thing cant aerticulate my hothoights without being stupid i getting help wont stop me from being stupid getting mental health p ghh hepl help wont change anything because too much is out of my control and no matter what i just wont let myself get the help i need because it is all too frustrating thinkiing about it wont get anywhere doing thins gs wont get anywhere just goingto nb e be stupid until i snap and do something irrediemable because imn stupid and cant act like an adult because everything about life frustrateing and nothing do about it but die because t stu to stupid to act like an adult stupid i waste of everything stupid just disapear stupid try go walk on own let family know then just frustrating i cant even be allowed open door by myself leave me alone i
  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6141 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to geelt
    Hi geelt,

    It sounds like it is super difficult for you and you would benefit from receiving mental health supports. We're sorry to hear that you are being so hard on yourself right now and there is a lot of self-loathing. It is sad that you are not able to give yourself a break and really punishing yourself for having a lot of emotions. You are not stupid for crying, struggling to sleep, being unmotivated and struggling with your mental health. As much as it can be difficult to manage mental health at times, can you find a way to look at yourself without hating yourself? You are human and working through some deep stuff. Sometimes working through deep stuff doesn't look pretty and we can't always be at our best.

    We have contacted you privately to offer you support. Please get in touch with us so that we can offer you that support. 

    You are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

    If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You are not alone and the community is here with you through your journey. Life can be rough at times but we are her to help you. You do not have to deal with anything alone.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  5. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    658 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to geelt
    Hi geelt,

    Just want to say that you perfectly express the frustrations you are dealing with - nothing incoherent in direct communication.

    You seem to have a very powerful filter processing the world around you which is leaving you feeling inadequate. Even those in a position to help are being filtered to make this a negative experience which only compounds your frustrations.

    I'm wondering if you could give yourself a break from this filter for just a few minutes each day and let the world revolve around you for a change?

    I'm also wondering if your next post can express what you are struggling with, without a single reference to blaming yourself - an objective appraisal of what's not working and the help you require?
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    22 July 2021 in reply to geelt

    Hi Geelt,

    I can tell you’re feeling a lot of anxiety and self-hatred at the moment...

    I’m so sorry to hear how bad you’re feeling.

    sounds like you’ve got a lot to say about how you feel, I’d like to get to know you a little better. About how old are you? What’s your living situation at the moment (eg parents, by yourself, with friends etc)..

  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15566 posts
    23 July 2021 in reply to geelt

    Hello Geelt, it's not good how you are feeling because you are looking at everything in a negative way, we can accept this because basically you're not well and seem to be frightened to get any help, don't worry this was exactly how I felt as I was in denial, may be you are too, as it's a coping mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing situations, but staying in denial can interfere with treatment or your ability to tackle challenges, but there may be times during your day when you question yourself, but that's when your denial takes over and puts in the position you are now in and also you're trying to protect yourself by refusing to accept the truth about something that's happening in your life, unfortunately, that's what's happening.

    Hope you can get back to us.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to geelt

    Thank you geelt for posting up your intense lived experience.

    Please seek to build a team for mental health and wellness going forward with your lived experiences.

    There is an awesome app for safety planning through beyond blue, I reckon it'll help you.

  9. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe

    i feel helpless about everything its needlessly tedious to do anything. everything around me makes me frustrated and loathe myself. making choices. just seeing everything unfiletered just makes me hate myself even more. too many things i have no control over snd i have tolive with things.

    i dont like being holed up in my room for most of the day. i hate how messy and cluttered things an be and theres nothing i can do about it whih frustrates me even more. so much junk that wont get cleaned so much frustrating things. just trying to ignore things wont change anything. i dont want to have to do everything in my roomm but there is nowhereelse.

    everything takes up spacetoo many decisions ill just end up regretting i try to not let it bother me but i have to deal with it regardless.

    i want to sleep early wake up early but there is nothing i can do everyone is asleep in the morning and i dont wantto make noise doiing anything is frustrating

    i dont wantto delal with future decisions because i will either mess up or things i have no control over

    have to dealwith health and money and job and future when theres nothing that would make any of it worth it ambition and discipline is nauseating when theres too much to have to think about

    i dont like the idea of working but i know i have to but money just leads to more frustration i dont want to buy things i dont like spending money but there isnt anything i can do aboutthat

    job i need to decideon what to study after wasting 3 years pretending im still doing a degree when i cant communicate my problemsto family. told my dad but it doesnt change anything. they expect so much and cant understand things because of language the language barrier communication is frustrating telling them my problems wont help but i have to tell them and that will just lead to more headache

    i cant focus on study when i dont careabout job and i hate myself for not being able to just push myself

    i dont want to want anything but i need so much and i feel helpless about everything nothing is straight forward and its all frustrating

    i have to care about so many things that frustrate me for nothing life is too short to worry but too long that i have to deal with the consequences of being stupid. there isnt anything that can change my mindset i just find excuses and i cant change anything because i wont let myself experience life and just cant keep asking when its always no and a lectureabout how lucky i am why wont you let me live my pointless l

  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6141 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to geelt
    Hey geelt,

    Thanks for posting this morning. It sounds like you’re very frustrated and upset and we’re so sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now. We can hear that you are having a hard time appreciating yourself and there seems to be a fair bit of self-loathing. We can also hear that you feel unheard and misunderstood by those around you. These are very painful feelings to deal with and we can understand how that’s making you feel about everything right now. Please know that you are a valuable individual who has just as much right to a content and happy life as anyone else. Please also know that you are in safe, non-judgmental place where you can share whatever you are going through.
    Distressing feelings and thoughts are especially difficult when we’re feeling all alone. We want you to know that you are not alone and there is always support available. Have you had a chance to talk to your GP yet? There are so many people on this forum who have been through very dark times but they kept holding on to the hope of things shifting for them and have come out on the other side. Life may never be perfect but with the right support we can give ourselves the tools and strategies to manage hard times and feelings.
    We strongly encourage you to get in touch with some wonderful support services that are available. You are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

    If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    Remember, you are not alone and the community is here with you through your journey.
     
  11. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to geelt
    What's your Uni subject geelt?
  12. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    design, was going to major in graphic and communication while also doing 3d/product design
  13. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    13039 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to geelt

    Geelt

    i admire people who now to design andI draw. I assume there be some drawing.

    I read your posts and know many others reading will be able to relate to your feeling of being hopeless.
    I see someone who is trying who has insight into their feelings.

  14. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    I'm seeing my GP tomorrow, hoping to try and get some support set up
  15. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to Here2Talk
    I'm 20 years old and living with my parents
  16. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to quirkywords
    There was only 1 class for teaching drawing techniques in the course overview. I haven't been able to enjoy drawing when I think about money and all around just unhappy about it. Not improving because no practice and don't want to draw anymore, it gives me a headache. No discipline or motivation to improve or draw.
  17. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    658 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to geelt
    I get what you are saying, geelt, and despite all the things I would say to you in person, essentially I need to let you know that none of this is your fault.

    You have found yourself a victim of circumstance - cause and effect - where influence has led to outcomes beyond your immediate control.

    Please be gentle with yourself as you are unduly apportioning blame to the wrong person.
  18. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to geelt

    That's interesting geelt!

    Which design/drawing software have you been using, if any?

    I'm a horrible drawer, much better with writing.

  19. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    I mainly used adobe Illustrator for designing 2d graphics and sometimes Photoshop and InDesign for making documents. Not really a fan of the subscription-based software model but its the industry standard even if there are alternatives that get the same job done. For 3D modelling and CAD I used Solidworks and Fusion 360. I tried picking up Blender as a hobby for 3d modelling but never practise enough to get familiar with everything. I haven't touched any of the aforementioned software for a while now, don't feel that I want to keep pursuing design as a career anymore. For digital painting I use Clip Studio Paint, can't get myself to practise properly.

    I used to like writing as well, I enjoyed writing silly stories back in school and liked creative writing assessments. For some reason I did really well for my assessments when I was accidentally put into the ESL class but when I transferred myself to the normal English class I was at the bottom of my class.

  20. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to geelt

    Ah adobe adobe adobe, if only I could afford thee I might discover just how freakingly challenging using all that bloody expensive and complicated software really is! lol.

    I got into using Procreate on my ipad during holidays, that was actually a bit of fun rather than too tough to learn how to use. I Procreated a pleasant view from a comfy couch in a holiday home I stayed at.

    Clip Studio Paint looks awesome, is it hard to learn?

  21. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to geelt
    How far into uni are you geelt? Did you say that you had been studying for 3 years??
  22. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Here2Talk
    I have not passed my first year, I would be iin my 3rd year in a 3 year degree but I am not anywhere close to being able to graduate. I have been trying to fix my mental heath for the past 2-3 years and have not fully told my parents that I am behind.
  23. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I only use the bare basics so I wouldn't be able to fully say how hard it would be to learn Clip Studio Paint. Its not too hard to use once you get the hang of the settings, just takes a bit of tweaking to create brushes that you are happy with but the process isn't that complicated. Have not really touched much of the advanced features.
  24. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    29 July 2021

    I saw my GP again 2 days ago and went through the process to see a clinic focusing on helping people at risk of suicide. I don't think I'm going to change regardless.

    I got frustrated a lot again afterwards. I don't want to worry about my health, I need to start walking to get some exercise but feeling a bit sick. My ear is sore and I should get it checked. I feel tired and lacking energy to do anything. The more I lie down and do nothing the worse my back is gonna get. My head is starting to noticeably slouch forwards.

  25. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    658 posts
    30 July 2021 in reply to geelt
    Being able to talk to someone may be a positive step toward starting the conversation with your parents.
    I doubt you are much of a confrontationist and have made choices based on suggestive repercussions or just the 'brick wall' of obstinacy.
    At 20, there is a long way to go before you can claim to be 'mature' and nobody gets there without making mistakes (can't really have one without the other).
    Understanding ourselves cannot be 'taught' or 'told' and it is only through such experiences that we become accepting of our limitations, compassionate for the same in others, and increasingly aware of the very purpose for both.
  26. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    30 July 2021 in reply to geelt

    geelt said:I only use the bare basics so I wouldn't be able to fully say how hard it would be to learn Clip Studio Paint. Its not too hard to use once you get the hang of the settings, just takes a bit of tweaking to create brushes that you are happy with but the process isn't that complicated. Have not really touched much of the advanced features.
    Thx geelt, I c Clip Studio Paint offers a free 6 months trial for some of their software, cool man!

    Have you ever tried to use your graphic talent to create art about your feelings/experiences?

    There is this one black ink drawing of a head/face that is all black scribbles and has the deepest black oversized eyes - I find it fascinatingly expressive.

  27. geelt
    geelt avatar
    61 posts
    1 August 2021
    My brother and Dad had an argument and now things are going to be frustrating for who knows how long. I try my best not to cause any problems. I don't want to be alive everything is stupid
  28. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6141 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to geelt
    Hey geelt,

    Thanks for posting on the Beyond Blue forums tonight. 

    We're so sorry to hear your father and brother have argued today. We acknowledge the stress and tension this creates in the household for all family members.  We would recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/. It might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided. We are also getting in touch with your privately to check on your well-being. 
  29. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    2 August 2021 in reply to geelt

    g'day geelt, I'm sad to read your family had a recent confrontation. How are you coming along now?

    dng.

  30. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    658 posts
    3 August 2021 in reply to geelt
    In life there are usually three facets -
    > doing the right thing,
    > doing the wrong thing,
    > and doing nothing.

    Right is usually good, but can also be premised on making other people happy at your own expense. In this sense, right is wrong. Also, doing right by yourself may not be seen as such by others who will perceive wrong regardless of fact or intent.

    Wrong can lead to disagreements and arguments, but not many of us set out to be deliberately wrong and it is only someone's perception/bias that makes it so.
    Discussion can lead to clashes of opinion, ultimately to argument and heated exchanges. While these can feel intimidating, provided the arguments centre on the facts and not the individual, results can be positive and 'right' through the lens of mutual understanding and respect for each other's perspective.

    Since the notion of right and wrong is quite subjective, it is fair to assume that for every right there will always be a wrong, inasmuch as Yin must be in balance with Yang - two sides to every coin, etc. (If not for this simple truth, the world would have no need for lawyers!).
    So any decision is a good one, be it right or wrong, as it leads you to a new place of self awareness and discovery.

    Doing nothing, however, can lead to despair and a sense of hopelessness. Ironically, after some arguments this is what happens from ceasing communication - doing nothing has no right or wrong, just a chasm of doubts, anger, self blame.
    My beloved English teacher once said 'Say what you mean and mean what you say' - funny how some things just stick...


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