Not really sure how to write this or how to explain how I feel so I apologise in advance. I'm a 22 year old uni student who is struggling with some of the worst stress and anxiety I have ever experienced. I'm not a very emotional person, I have always struggled with my mental health and have had prior diagnoses of depression and social anxiety that I heavily internalise. But as of recent I just feel so helpless and alone, like I have hit my lowest, I can't sleep properly, I am not eating, and just don't feel like I want to be here any longer. I am not sure what's wrong with me, I struggle to maintain relationships with people which makes me feel so alone. I don't think I am a bad guy, I try my hardest for everyone who means anything to me and it just never feels good enough, I just want to feel like people care about me. I lack friendships or circles where I feel welcomed and I really wonder sometimes if people would even notice if one day I just disappeared. I have recently tried to seek help through the campus doctor and have booked myself into see a counsellor but I am just not sure talking is going to help. I could yell and feel like no one would hear me, I have overwhelming thoughts of suicide and feel like a prisoner in my own mind, trapped my by own self doubt and like nothing will ever work out. I worry about university, I worry about the people around me leaving me and I worry about being in this state forever, it's unbearable and I am kinda at the end of my rope. Recently I started seeing a girl at university and as much as I care about her I just don't feel it's going to work, we both care but the age gap for her (31) is too much and no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I care it just wont be enough and it eats me alive. I keep asking is it worth being so upset over this girl, but no matter what I can't get her off my mind. But I feel like this has been a major blow to any self esteem I had left, I care about her so much and once again it's just not good enough... I worry so much about my university marks in this bridging program and failing to achieve the degree I am after too.. I just can't focus, I try so hard to achieve the best I can and I feel like everything on my mind is stopping me from being the best I can be. If I don't make it then I think it might just be the final straw. I'm sorry to whoever reads this.. this is kind of all over the place and probably just seems like nonsense, im not good at this.