I would love to be able to negotiate with her about the kids and at one stage she even mentioned about having them in our lives and the following day it was all different. If she doesn't allow me to see the kids I'm not sure I could give that up again.

i am very worried about the dv side of things as I hit an all time low myself and tried to self harm a couple times.

i really appreciate al this dng

google search for "free resources for australian domestic violence sufferers"

Mission Australia seem to have a search engine that may benefit your research on DV and seeking allies on your mission.

Really isn't my field Unsure77, just so you know, but I have experienced a lot of DV from a parent a long time ago.

We tend to respond with flight/fight/freeze/fawn.

We run away, or we fight, or we freeze, or we try to appease. Are the four main responses to being threatened.

So we need to both ramp up our perception of being threatened so that we notice the early warning signs of HER becoming more abusive, so that we can start calming techniques.

But we don't want to be so nervous that we cannot control our responses, because we really need to control our responses when dealing with violent people.

So risks are very high.

You need to know things like...

What triggers the other person? What calms them down?

How do I know, what to avoid, so that I don't trigger them.

How do they know that they are triggering me?

You really need allies more powerful than me!

Police, government services, quick access to help lines.

And right about now my online bb forumming friend, whatever your real name is, Unsure77...

You need to know how to respond to feeling overwhelmed!

Like if I just kept posting up hoards and hoards of information, would you ever say stop!

... and how would you say stop? I'm going to be fine, like me personally how ever you say it, but how might you say STOP to HER?

Because staying STOP when you feel overwhelmed is going to be highly valuable for your situation.

dng.

Ok, that's great news there mate. You have your third position on the negotiation table.

I want to be with HER. I want connection with my kids. I want HER to be healthly take her meds.

I need to be safe.

and so on. keeping at it.

How would you feel if your kids came under direct fire from HER abuse?

What actions might you take to defend your children from HER, or anyone else for that matter?

Thanks dng

saying stop will be the smartest thing to do and try move on with my life.

thankyou for your support and wise words

The trick is to maintain our own needs and values, whilst using consciously designed tactics that reduce chance of conflict, reduce chance of conflict escalting, and reduce chance of harm coming from interaction at all.

Setting clear boundaries, that are not self contradictory!

maybe something like - You can shout at me, but if you shout at my kids, we are leaving immediately.

You're aiming to consciously design a set of rules to follow to minimise risk of harm, but maximise opportunity for peace also.

How about a condition of your own for me? Something that says "dng, i need you to do ____, but not do ____, and if you do ____, I'm going to say Stop! But I might come back tomorrow.

Which is about being really clear to HER, that if she crosses a line youre gone for a short bit back into safety.

Then if she crosses a different line that you defined, you're gone for good.

Yo, so practice saying stop on me, cause I feel something interesting right now. My heart is racing and I need to know that you can say stop.

Could well be the most important thing you do for me today.

Ah well, I'll have to say stop to myself then. I can do that as needed.

but the violent... what they'll do is ramp right on up!

Is the ex the only violent person you've ever dealt with?

"one thing I know about her as she would never abuse any child as she used to have a go at me about talking to them about our relationship"

That is a ground of commonality between you and her, as it is with me.

So if you're going down restoration path, you've got that position to start with HER on.

maybe something like... I want to be around HER. I want connection with my kids. I need HER to never harm my kids, either verbally, physically or otherwise. etc.

One hypothetically could even ramp that right up as a condition too.

I need HER to be kind and compassionate to my kids all the time or it's all over.

If that rule turns out to be unmeetable and you find you need that rule, then you have your surety.

I'm keep at it...

Maybe SHE comes back and says. I don't give a stuff about your kids, I never want to see them, but yeh lets get back together.

What might ones response be to that negotiation tactic?

:Thank you for telling me that, I need to be able to phone my children every day and see them once a week. I am fine with never bringing them into your sight. And I'd think/feel we can work forward from there. (with my other conditions etc)

Sorry I was driving couldn't answer.

ok... I need you to talk with me calmly, but yell and if you I will stop the conversation and maybe come back tomorrow when you are calm.

That's a great negotiation if she does contact me and great ground rules for me to set and abide by.

a few times I went to leave she would block the door and in the end hide my keys so I would have to walk or stay, I never tried to push my way past her, I would turn around sit back down and listen to another hurl of abuse.

DRIVE SAFE FIRST OF ALL! lol.

Yeh newness can be confronting, and a new form of violence even more so.

I am relieved you made a condition for me, thank you, I agree to abide by your condition to the best of my ability.

So if SHE is onboard and negotiating honourably... SHE might say.

When I find myself raising my voice above talking loud, then I will leave the house and go and shout in the back yard.

OR.

I'll raise my bloody voice whenever I like! SHE's testing ones position if she says that.

That was what my dad used to say, he was allowed to be as loud as he liked/needed.

So how would you respond to either of those? Which is more likely?

I'm still here... these are all just options for ya...

My hearing was working fine 5 minutes ago when we were calm, and now as you get louder I feel unable to process what you shout. The louder you yell, the less I will be able to understand you, please write that down, I will come back when I have recovered and you are quieter.

or

I am feeling the need to avoid your yelling, I'm going out the back yard to calm myself and give us both some space. I hope to see you in five minutes after I've had a breather.

or

Stop yelling! (holds hand up)

(quietly), so quietly she has to lean forward to hear.

P l e a s e t a l k q u i e t e r. whilst backing away... to your safe spot.

OR maybe > Some people need super hard responses.

The old famous swear word starting "f" "off" as loud as you can make it and then re-controlling yourself, right there in front of them. Because shouting might ramp yourself up, and showing your own control from there might calm them down.

A couple times after raising my voice back has worked but not often. I didn't like it because it's not me.

i have her new number which I'm not meant to know do you think I should send her a message or just wait to see if I get a response to the letter?

My first response is nope wait for response from letter.

My feelings about that response is mixed.

My thoughts, through my own perception of DV is to think like a military strategist.

What are all the risks of sending her a text/sms?

She's gonna know uve got a phone, she's gonna know the number, she's gonna know the contents of the sms.

That kind of stuff... so after you think about the risks, we think about how to minimize the risks.

Ok, hypothetically > I do want to sms HER... lets lower the risk...

I can hide my number by using the appropriate setting on my phone. OK that could work.

Anything else to add to that line of thinking?

Yes they are all the risks I have thought of and unfortunately you can't hide your number on an SMS , I would have to use a pay phone.

she will block me or tell her daughter which I will get another nasty email from.

or

She will want to meet up want to go through my phone to see if I have spoken to or been with anybody else.

I've got another line for you from a purely physical safety perspective... so highly important in DV.

Does SHE know where you sleep?

Have you asked the POLICE to assess your sleeping place for security and safety against an intruder? u can get that to happen fairly quickly I have been told, costs nothing too.

Ok, so you are describing that she is an hour away if someone else drives, or she takes public transport or gets a taxi.

She may be unaware of where you live, but u are unsure.

The cost of the police assessing your house is zero.

Ok.

If you're not doing illegal things at your house, then I highly recommend that you book a copper to come round and have a look from his/her perspective focused on security and safety against an intruder.

Now get this, I've met a lot of coppers over the decades through sport and work and well... yeh, I am not predisposed to liking coppers, but in the strongest possible terms I can muster on this website I suggest you have a police officer do that assessment.

Ya with me here?

Unsure77 said:

Yes they are all the risks I have thought of and unfortunately you can't hide your number on an SMS , I would have to use a pay phone.

she will block me or tell her daughter which I will get another nasty email from.

or

She will want to meet up want to go through my phone to see if I have spoken to or been with anybody else.

You certainly can block your mobile number, even sending an sms.

If she blocks you, you've got your surety. Go see the kids mate.

Read or Block the email from the daughter, assuming that's not your daughter.

Make it a term of condition that SHE has no access to your phone if a face to face occurs. And, maybe don't take the phone, or take a burn phone with nothing on it.