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Topic: Help needed

  1. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    I would love to be able to negotiate with her about the kids and at one stage she even mentioned about having them in our lives and the following day it was all different. If she doesn't allow me to see the kids I'm not sure I could give that up again.

    i am very worried about the dv side of things as I hit an all time low myself and tried to self harm a couple times.

    i really appreciate al this dng

  2. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    google search for "free resources for australian domestic violence sufferers"

    Mission Australia seem to have a search engine that may benefit your research on DV and seeking allies on your mission.

    Really isn't my field Unsure77, just so you know, but I have experienced a lot of DV from a parent a long time ago.

    We tend to respond with flight/fight/freeze/fawn.

    We run away, or we fight, or we freeze, or we try to appease. Are the four main responses to being threatened.

    So we need to both ramp up our perception of being threatened so that we notice the early warning signs of HER becoming more abusive, so that we can start calming techniques.

    But we don't want to be so nervous that we cannot control our responses, because we really need to control our responses when dealing with violent people.

    So risks are very high.

    You need to know things like...

    What triggers the other person? What calms them down?

    How do I know, what to avoid, so that I don't trigger them.

    How do they know that they are triggering me?

    You really need allies more powerful than me!

    Police, government services, quick access to help lines.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I understand dng it all pretty much started after she stopped taking her medication, so I guess unless she takes that continuously it's defiantly going to be a tough decision .
  4. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    And right about now my online bb forumming friend, whatever your real name is, Unsure77...

    You need to know how to respond to feeling overwhelmed!

    Like if I just kept posting up hoards and hoards of information, would you ever say stop!

    ... and how would you say stop? I'm going to be fine, like me personally how ever you say it, but how might you say STOP to HER?

    Because staying STOP when you feel overwhelmed is going to be highly valuable for your situation.

    dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Ok, that's great news there mate. You have your third position on the negotiation table.

    I want to be with HER. I want connection with my kids. I want HER to be healthly take her meds.

    I need to be safe.

    and so on. keeping at it.

    How would you feel if your kids came under direct fire from HER abuse?

    What actions might you take to defend your children from HER, or anyone else for that matter?

  6. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Thanks dng

    saying stop will be the smartest thing to do and try move on with my life.

    thankyou for your support and wise words

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    The trick is to maintain our own needs and values, whilst using consciously designed tactics that reduce chance of conflict, reduce chance of conflict escalting, and reduce chance of harm coming from interaction at all.

    Setting clear boundaries, that are not self contradictory!

    maybe something like - You can shout at me, but if you shout at my kids, we are leaving immediately.

    You're aiming to consciously design a set of rules to follow to minimise risk of harm, but maximise opportunity for peace also.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    The one thing I know about her as she would never abuse any child as she used to have a go at me about talking to them about our relationship
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I guess I will have to wait until she sees the letter and if she contacts me back. For all I know she has moved on.
  10. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    How about a condition of your own for me? Something that says "dng, i need you to do ____, but not do ____, and if you do ____, I'm going to say Stop! But I might come back tomorrow.

    Which is about being really clear to HER, that if she crosses a line youre gone for a short bit back into safety.

    Then if she crosses a different line that you defined, you're gone for good.

    Yo, so practice saying stop on me, cause I feel something interesting right now. My heart is racing and I need to know that you can say stop.

    Could well be the most important thing you do for me today.

  11. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Ah well, I'll have to say stop to myself then. I can do that as needed.

    but the violent... what they'll do is ramp right on up!

    Is the ex the only violent person you've ever dealt with?

  12. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    "one thing I know about her as she would never abuse any child as she used to have a go at me about talking to them about our relationship"

    That is a ground of commonality between you and her, as it is with me.

    So if you're going down restoration path, you've got that position to start with HER on.

    maybe something like... I want to be around HER. I want connection with my kids. I need HER to never harm my kids, either verbally, physically or otherwise. etc.

    One hypothetically could even ramp that right up as a condition too.

    I need HER to be kind and compassionate to my kids all the time or it's all over.

    If that rule turns out to be unmeetable and you find you need that rule, then you have your surety.

  13. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    I'm keep at it...

    Maybe SHE comes back and says. I don't give a stuff about your kids, I never want to see them, but yeh lets get back together.

    What might ones response be to that negotiation tactic?

    :Thank you for telling me that, I need to be able to phone my children every day and see them once a week. I am fine with never bringing them into your sight. And I'd think/feel we can work forward from there. (with my other conditions etc)

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Sorry I was driving couldn't answer.

    ok... I need you to talk with me calmly, but yell and if you I will stop the conversation and maybe come back tomorrow when you are calm.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    Yes she is so it was all new and very confronting to me
  16. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    That's a great negotiation if she does contact me and great ground rules for me to set and abide by.

    a few times I went to leave she would block the door and in the end hide my keys so I would have to walk or stay, I never tried to push my way past her, I would turn around sit back down and listen to another hurl of abuse.

  17. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    DRIVE SAFE FIRST OF ALL! lol.

    Yeh newness can be confronting, and a new form of violence even more so.

    I am relieved you made a condition for me, thank you, I agree to abide by your condition to the best of my ability.

    So if SHE is onboard and negotiating honourably... SHE might say.

    When I find myself raising my voice above talking loud, then I will leave the house and go and shout in the back yard.

    OR.

    I'll raise my bloody voice whenever I like! SHE's testing ones position if she says that.

    That was what my dad used to say, he was allowed to be as loud as he liked/needed.

    So how would you respond to either of those? Which is more likely?

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    She would be if and when she wanted to, then there would be an excuse of my hearing isn't very good, but 10 mins before hand there was no problem.
    1 person found this helpful
  19. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    A lot of the times when she started yelling I would go out the back walk circles around the furniture to calm down and think, then it was you always walk away from me when I'm talking to you, I couldn't win.
    1 person found this helpful
  20. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    The other response would be stop yelling at me as we can't work this out with you yelling. If you can't I will leave and maybe be back tomorrow when you are calm
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    I'm still here... these are all just options for ya...

    My hearing was working fine 5 minutes ago when we were calm, and now as you get louder I feel unable to process what you shout. The louder you yell, the less I will be able to understand you, please write that down, I will come back when I have recovered and you are quieter.

    or

    I am feeling the need to avoid your yelling, I'm going out the back yard to calm myself and give us both some space. I hope to see you in five minutes after I've had a breather.

    or

    Stop yelling! (holds hand up)

    (quietly), so quietly she has to lean forward to hear.

    P l e a s e t a l k q u i e t e r. whilst backing away... to your safe spot.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    OR maybe > Some people need super hard responses.

    The old famous swear word starting "f" "off" as loud as you can make it and then re-controlling yourself, right there in front of them. Because shouting might ramp yourself up, and showing your own control from there might calm them down.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    A couple times after raising my voice back has worked but not often. I didn't like it because it's not me.

    i have her new number which I'm not meant to know do you think I should send her a message or just wait to see if I get a response to the letter?

  24. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    My first response is nope wait for response from letter.

    My feelings about that response is mixed.

    My thoughts, through my own perception of DV is to think like a military strategist.

    What are all the risks of sending her a text/sms?

    She's gonna know uve got a phone, she's gonna know the number, she's gonna know the contents of the sms.

    That kind of stuff... so after you think about the risks, we think about how to minimize the risks.

    Ok, hypothetically > I do want to sms HER... lets lower the risk...

    I can hide my number by using the appropriate setting on my phone. OK that could work.

    Anything else to add to that line of thinking?

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Yes they are all the risks I have thought of and unfortunately you can't hide your number on an SMS , I would have to use a pay phone.

    she will block me or tell her daughter which I will get another nasty email from.

    or

    She will want to meet up want to go through my phone to see if I have spoken to or been with anybody else.

  26. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    I've got another line for you from a purely physical safety perspective... so highly important in DV.

    Does SHE know where you sleep?

    Have you asked the POLICE to assess your sleeping place for security and safety against an intruder? u can get that to happen fairly quickly I have been told, costs nothing too.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I don't think she knows where I am but at my house I do have cameras which I have checking a couple times a day. But from what I understand from where she might be staying is about an hr away and she doesn't drive.
  28. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Ok, so you are describing that she is an hour away if someone else drives, or she takes public transport or gets a taxi.

    She may be unaware of where you live, but u are unsure.

    The cost of the police assessing your house is zero.

    Ok.

    If you're not doing illegal things at your house, then I highly recommend that you book a copper to come round and have a look from his/her perspective focused on security and safety against an intruder.

    Now get this, I've met a lot of coppers over the decades through sport and work and well... yeh, I am not predisposed to liking coppers, but in the strongest possible terms I can muster on this website I suggest you have a police officer do that assessment.

    Ya with me here?

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    Yeah I know what your saying, where I am at the moment is like Fort Knox, I have seen on the cameras that police have driven past a couple times early hours of the morning, but I haven't asked for that.
  30. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    Unsure77 said:

    Yes they are all the risks I have thought of and unfortunately you can't hide your number on an SMS , I would have to use a pay phone.

    she will block me or tell her daughter which I will get another nasty email from.

    or

    She will want to meet up want to go through my phone to see if I have spoken to or been with anybody else.

    Nice thinking there, that's all good stuff.

    You certainly can block your mobile number, even sending an sms.

    If she blocks you, you've got your surety. Go see the kids mate.

    Read or Block the email from the daughter, assuming that's not your daughter.

    Make it a term of condition that SHE has no access to your phone if a face to face occurs. And, maybe don't take the phone, or take a burn phone with nothing on it.

    1 person found this helpful

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