My heart goes out to you as you work hard on making sense of so much
in your life. I think people underestimate what incredibly hard and exhausting
work this can be. When our mind becomes a powerhouse of activity, it can actually become physically exhausting.
I'll throw at you a scenario which I hope creates a positive perspective. Imagine one day waking up to the fact you have a truly brilliant open mind. Through your brilliance, you begin searching for greater enlightenment. You suddenly begin asking a lot of questions in regard to who you are, how you tick, how you relate to others and you might even begin to question why you're here. Waking up to all this can be an exciting experience (like finding a whole new wonderful sense of self and life) but if you've got no one offering you answers or a positive sense of direction it can become depressing on a number of levels...
When you become a seeker (looking for answers, greater self understanding and a sense of direction) and you have people in your life who don't recognise or even acknowledge the anxiety inducing and/or depressing nature of such a quest, it can be incredibly triggering and sometimes even lonely. When most of your learning in life is centered around the incredibly boring and highly stressful nature of the Australian school curriculum, you can be left questioning 'Why do I have little ability, compared to others?'. While your abilities to question and wonder, to feel for others, to express compassion and to help people make sense of their challenges are outstanding, there is little reward at school for such natural outstanding abilities.
When you wake up to the fact that others don't hold the same abilities as you, such as your ability to listen carefully and help make a positive difference to people, it can leave you wondering 'Why can't others do this for me? Why do they instead shut me down?'. And while we have the ability to argue a point with someone, to the degree where our energy naturally works up, who gives us permission to channel 'The Super bi*ch' in us to vent a powerful point with our closing argument? Have we instead been conditioned to suppress that part of our self, in favour of channeling 'The People Pleaser' who doesn't rock the boat? Who tells us that keeping that kind of intense enraged energy or intolerance within us comes with consequences? We feel it.
Personally, I found waking up led me to seriously question the sanity of those around me :)