By your post, it sounds like you had a difficult evening. We are pleased that you found the courage to post your confusion on our forum. We are a supportive community, and we are here to support you.
We are glad to see that you called LifeLine. It is usually helpful to contact one of the available services to assist in reducing difficult and harmful thoughts.
We would like to encourage you to keep in mind that there are quite a few people working for each of the phone support services, and if the person you are talking to isn't helping, you can call back, or call one of the other services.