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Forums / Anxiety / I’m so horribly unattractive

Topic: I’m so horribly unattractive

  1. tranzcrybe
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    711 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur
    I don't have body dysmorphia so I'm not qualified to answer directly; but I have had 'clothes dysmorphia' (if that is even a thing) which sort of overlays to some extent.

    Brand name jeans, designer shoes - all to manufacture some rendition of who I wasn't to impress people who probably didn't even notice in the first place - or maybe they did (so, more fool them, I guess).

    It took me several years before I realised that 'cool people' made what they wore look good - not the other way round; and not because of their physique, but the way they carried themselves - confidence and a certain 'who cares what you think anyway'' attitude.

    I learnt that I can't ever make myself fit the clothes, and I should be comfortable as priority to allow me to relax and just be myself - people will see me for who I am. Judge me for who I am if you feel the need, but don't judge me for who I am not.

    "Wear" yourself with pride and know the goodness within - others will, but there will always be those without that capacity - more fool them, I guess...
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10942 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF~

    You know what I'm gong to say: your ex was a a cruel sh*t, your cousin a silly little air-head boaster and your family circumstances with the divorce, lawyers, practical difficulties in housing are hugely stressful exacerbate your feelings that you have things wrong.

    Yes you have studies and passions, and they are a great help, Talking to someone sensible can be a help too -not a permanent fix but just to get through a particularly unhappy couple of hours, you know there is
    Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) and
    ReachOut
    https://au.reachout.com/

    Butterfly Foundation
    https://butterfly.org.au/get-support/helpline/

    You have heard of them and probably even used them all before, a repeat would not hurt, different operators can have different ideas. They all have chat lines if you do not feel like speaking.

    Plus others. Why not give them a try, no expectations, just a change?

    Alternatively talk to me about you passions and academic work, I'm always interested.

    Things will get better, and you will cope in the meantime, I've every faith in you

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    203 posts
    21 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    I'm new here.

    No you aren't ugly. I think some people are but it's them not you

     

    1 person found this helpful
  4. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    21 August 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Thank you Chris_Tas for the kind and generous words, much appreciated.
    And how are you? I hope you are doing ok and keeping well. Feel free to pop in and out of this forum and speak to me and the rest of the gang. Welcome to the BeyondBlue Forums.

    I’m sick of BDD. I’m not vain. I‘m struggling with this every single day.

  5. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    21 August 2021

    I remembered “dating” a boy in year ten.. when I was sitting on his knee he picked on my breasts, waist and butt. Stating; “We need to make these bigger.. you should have a smaller waist. ______ (insert his crushes name) has the perfect body.”

    ehhh. Far out. Tired. Brain is playing all of the bad things at the moment. Need to erase the bad times and be more content. I am blessed. I am loved. My voice is being heard and I am valid.

  6. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    21 August 2021

    Mum said once before she left with her first partner she left my Dad for “we are not having that f*cking ugly baby photo up of you on display.”

    Questionable uncle said when I was fourteen “why are you so ugly?”

    friend at primary school said “Don’t you have to be attractive to be on television?!”

    adults who bullied me at fifteen years old, at my volunteer work. “I don’t see a soul in her.” As they inserted a photo of me into the group chat between these four adults. “What a soulless person. With a voice that sounds like a rubbish truck.”

    My parents friend once said to me on the day my mother came to collect her things when she went off with another man ; “you could do with losing a few kilos.”

    this is h*ll! It’s destructive, mind gymnastics. It’s plays with you. It’s debilitating. I’m not vain. I’m going to tell my psychologist about it when I see him. It’s draining. It’s pure agony. It will get better though. I am so determined.

  7. Croix
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10942 posts
    22 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF~

    You are going though a bad down time in your last couple of posts. All the unkind and abusive things that were said to you over the years are running around in your mind, taking your concentration and assuming undeserved importance.

    So how do you break out of that loop, waht do you think will help? You have an agile mind and many interests, what's going to be best?

    As you know I use books, even have particular ones for specific moods.

    Croix

  8. EfG2021
    EfG2021 avatar
    4 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hi PsychedelicFur,

    Love your nick by the way, I am a 70's music fan and I would print your profile pic and put it in a wall

    I cannot tell what beauty is, I have no idea in terms of what makes us feel attractive or unattractive.

    I was severely bullied at school, I used to dread going to school but it was another time and another place, so I resolved I couldn't live scared or sad and I made the stupid decision of learning to transform these emotions into anger...that only made the things worst as my understanding of transformation was changing my focus of attention, but that fear and sadness remain there and are easily triggered, I just respond in anger (I guess is the flight/fight decision I make, but it is far from having the fear and sadness away from me).

    I don't even know where I am heading with all this, but I guess that I am almost half a century old and I wish I would have had the opportunity to allow myself to share my feelings about it. I always thought I was the only one and nobody else would understand. The truth is that I still think nobody else would understand, but at least we can share the immense sorrow we feel and find some moments of peace knowing we are not alone.

    Just writing these lines has made me feel better today, I pray they somehow serve you for, at least, ease the pain for a moment.

    It will be fine no matter what, maybe not as we imagine it, but it will be fine.

    E

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
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    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hi PF, u need help with the bdd, I think Ur really beautiful and most beautiful is Ur determination and honesty. I think unattractiveness isn't a reality or truth, but a feeling. We can feel a certain way but it doesn't make it fact, an DM oft en is more about trauma and societal messaging. I hope some days the bad gives you a rest and you can enjoy being the awesome and unique human u are. Xxx
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
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    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Ps I have severe bdd as well, fear of being seen as a vain person often makes people too ashamed to talk about it. It's a real and awful thing, one of the hardest challenges. It is real and I think ppl who open up about it should always be believed. I don't argue u see what u see, I just wanted to share that I think Ur honesty makes you beautifuil x

    1 person found this helpful
  11. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    27 August 2021 in reply to Guest_1643
    I hope you are ok Sleepy21.
    Thanking you for the response. Appreciate it.
  12. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    3 September 2021
    My friend and I make news reports about real life issues and experiences. I filmed a video yesterday because we had to do a live crossover and I had to be in the clip. I look back at the clip and my face looks disgustingly round. My nose is big. I have smile frowns, I look really bloody pitiful. I’m in despair. 😭😭😭🥺 so angry. I don’t like my face much. Grrr
  13. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    3 September 2021

    Saw a video of myself recently. My face was so disgustingly round in it. I’m so sad :( My doctors tell me I am not fat. But I am just so confused. I don’t know if I am attractive or not..

    :( :( oh well. Silly BDD

  14. Ggrand
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    9862 posts
    3 September 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hello Dear PF....

    Like you I don’t like my face, nor my hair or teeth...plus I do not like my body as I’m overweight... Does it really matter though?..

    My brother was a career for a thalidomide child of the 60s...he had a lot of disfigures...and he had so many friends that truely liked him and looked past all his physical appearances ....He had no ear and half his face was paralysed...these were just a couple of things that he lived with until he passed away earlier this year....I met him a number of times when my brother brought him to mine so they both could have a break from theirs home......What I noticed and loved about him was his beautiful heart and his very precious giving soul....I learnt a lot from this beautiful soul...So very many people that knew him are still morning his passing....

    In reality..it’s really only us who down ourselves for our looks...The people we meet in our lives, don’t fall in love or start a friendship based on our looks....Friendships are formed and built mainly on a person’s personality and attitude towards each other.....I mean let’s say..a girl that looks amazingly beautiful, could have a heart of stone and be very lonely because of her personality and attitude towards others..

    Please lovely Psychedelic Fur...Be gentle on yourself and let that inner beauty shine...because that’s what is more important then the way we look...

    Kind thoughts lovely lady...and a caring hug if you like them..🤗.

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Goldwing03
    blueVoices member
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    Goldwing03 avatar
    27 posts
    3 September 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hi PsychedelicFur,

    You will not believe how much I can relate to everything that you have just said. I've personally been dealing with a similar situation! And I know from personal experience that feeling unattractive or not appreciated for your style or a certain way that you express yourself is the WORST feeling in the world. When I'm having a rough time, I always remind myself that my worth is not defined by my appearance and that someone who truly values and appreciates me will be able to love my mind, compassion and vibrant personality.

    It's also important to surround yourself with people who uplift you and remind you of how incredibly beautiful you are. When someone makes you feel insecure, it's very easily to believe them, but then CONTINUE to surround yourself with toxic people because you are seeking out the company that you believe you deserve.

    Just want to remind you that you deserve to feel loved and beautiful and precious. Take care of yourself :)

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Goldwing03
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Goldwing03 avatar
    27 posts
    3 September 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hey Psychedelic Fur!

    I want you to think about your body in the following way:

    Your body is the medium through which you experience life! Your body is what let's you to hug somebody, to float in a pool, to eat juicy apples, to kiss someone, to breathe and walk every single day!

    I know that seeing a picture or video of yourself that you don't like can be hard- I've felt this exact same thing so many times. But when I practice gratitude for all the ways in which my body helps me survive and function, I always feel a little bit better!

    Everything that you feel is valid. Be kind to yourself and try to remember all the good things that your body lets you do!

    1 person found this helpful
  17. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    11 September 2021

    Good morning everyone,

    today my cousin (who introduced me to my ex boyfriend) wants to do zoom games night with my family. I’m feeling a little worried... because of my Body Dysmorphia. Plus when I was with my ex he would constantly talk about how ‘gorgeous’ and ‘stunning’ and ‘talented’ she was. And I was a 6/10, plus -size and embarrassing looking. And it infuriates me. And I feel so insignificant around her. And my other cousin’s girlfriend had a ‘sexy butt’ according to my ex. And now every time I see her I feel not as ‘sexy’ or ‘attractive’ as her. Even though he was objectifying her..

    aaah BDD!

  18. Goldwing03
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Goldwing03 avatar
    27 posts
    11 September 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    OMG i can relate so much! Zoom calls have stressed me out so much for the exact same reason!

    I think it's important to remember that nobody is looking at you in the same way that you look at yourself and that most of the time people are too absorbed in their own thoughts and the moment to pay such detailed attention to somebody else's appearance.

    Try not to compare yourself to other girls (Easier said than done I know!) but you deserve to feel beautiful :)

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10942 posts
    11 September 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Dear PsF~

    The plain truth of the matter is my avatar is not a faithful reproduction of me (though admittedly there is some resemblance). I'm sure you are not surprised to read this.

    I doubt you would be surprised to know that in Real Life™ there are people that look less attractive than me and some who look more attractive. That's life. There was always one gun who was faster in the wild west.

    I'm luckier than you. I've never had anyone that systematically trained my thoughts to compare myself unfavorably with others -so if Arnie is more attractive than me (doubtful of course:) I lose no sleep over it.

    I guess you can try to acknowledge that some people in the world may be good looking, no harm in that really - but try also to have anger in your heart that your ex made you think in terms of you not being as good.

    You talked of objectifying -and you were quite right. However you to are doing it -both to others and yourself, that's how you have been trained. I suggest you try to see the real person underneath in the same way you might like another to see you.

    Please go and Zoom, and let that anger sustain you

    Possible do you think?

    Croix (who does see the real you)

  20. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    337 posts
    11 September 2021

    I attended the zoom meeting, huzzah!! How are you Croix? What have you been up to lately? I like ya picture.. it reminds me of the Walrus from Lennon-McCartney tracks haha.

    And I saw my cousin with her new partner today. It pains me. Not that she has someone - because that is great and I am really happy for her. And she deserves to be treated like the goddess she is. It just pains me in the sense of - I wanted my ex to be the person I hoped he would be, when I first met him- he seemed so charming and personable. Sometimes I miss him. Tonight I am being a little sentimental. Like I am currently listening to Mental As Anything, Split Enz and Cold Chisel.. those were bands we would sometimes listen to.. together. FYI I love Reg Mombassa artwork!!!! BIG FAN.
    I’m not listening to those particular bands though because of him.. I just thoroughly enjoy the songs.. always have, even before I ever met him I listened to them on a constant loop. And I always will love these songs. They bring me an enormous amount of pleasure!

    And then after all of the sentimental emotions have passed... I think .. he caused most of this pain. I wish he was the way he was when we first met, the Love bombing phase.

    I just wanted to hold him and be there for him. He was just so horrible to me. So mean. It sucks though.

    life goes on though.. 🌞🌞

  21. EfG2021
    EfG2021 avatar
    4 posts
    12 September 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    You will be exactly what you want to be and whatever you tell your brain is true. You saw the video, you've noticed your face is round, you've compared yourself to your role models, you've seen the differences. That forms the set of inputs.

    The judgement process: you take the above facts into consideration, you then mix these facts with your opinions and the mix is so very good that you nearly notice the difference between the image of your face and your opinion of your face. You are then inadvertently corrupting the fact: my face is so rounded...i am so ugly...so far the fact is a mathematical measure of your face, but you have decided to add your comparison baseline and you have concluded is ugly...well, that is the instruction you are passing into your brain.

    Your brain will accept that instruction, not the measurements of how round your face is ...the instruction you have passed to your brain is: "I am ugly".

    So, now you have your very clear instruction and something you deeply believe in. Because some other people have been helping you for a while to feed that concept. And maybe some people have told you the opposite, but you so deeply believe you are ugly that you just choose to listen to the people that confirms your instruction and, people that tell you the opposite is just dishonest or too flower power to feed your idea, so you respond to compliments with a smile in disbelief.

    I am not a psychologist, I am a software developer, and the thing that the brain and the software have in common is exactly that - they both do what we tell them to do. So you tell your brain you are ugly and your brain reacts: your basic emotions are activated: sadness, fear, anger and disgust...chemicals are segregated and you feel you want to cry, you feel your heart is beating faster, your stomach is aching and you feel you really hate yourself...you are confused...

    Basics: Inputs (your observations + opinions) +++ Process (Judge and Mix: form a conclusion your brain will accept) +++ Output (Instruction: I am ugly)...

    You cannot change the input or the output...you only can change the process and alter the conclusion so you build it around what activates something in your brain that makes you feel as you want to feel.

    You are not ugly...you have programmed your brain to feed all your assumptions and pay attention to only these things that will confirm your concept.

    No easy answer, but if you change the source code, you may change the concept. It takes years, be patient

    1 person found this helpful

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