Hi Miss Out,
I know it may be easier said than done, but you need to stop telling yourself that you're ugly. Ugly is an ugly word. I'm sure others do not see you that way. You need to do something nice for yourself, and be gentle and positive with yourself as you are with others.
Try to stop worrying about what others think about you. Gossip can be very damaging, but it is someone else's problem - not yours. Yes, the stigma is sad, but in this day and age, almost everyone has some form of stigma or label, and no one has the right to judge you. Just get on with your own life and leave the gossip-mongers to their boring sad lives.
Whether you are a single mother or not, you are a good mother and trying very hard to keep your family together. Don't stop trying to get the counselling you need. Time can be very frustrating, but it can also be your ally. Are your children requiring counselling too? Are you getting grief support or counselling relating to the suicide of your ex-partner and their father?
If you are in Victoria/Melbourne, you can call Support After Suicide on 03-9421 7640. They have two offices - Richmond and Dandenong.
There is also a national number for 'Suicide Callback Service' on 1300 659 467, where you can get six (6) 50-minute phone counselling sessions. This may suit you better, and more readily available.
Just call/talk to someone. And I hope that you can try to talk and be honest with your friends about how you are feeling. As for your (ex)mother-in-law, she is also suffering in her grief, and wants to blame something. However, this should not be your burden. Deal with your own problems.
I hope you realise that you are not alone. Thank you for coming on here and sharing your story. I hope it helps for you to talk here.
Good luck with your pending counselling sessions.
Give yourself time, and take care of you. X