Just a thought, it seemed to me, in the moment I was reaching for the bottle, I was already avoiding asking myself why I wanted that drink right now, but instead, focusing my attention upon the goal of oblivion. A neat bit of fancy footwork that.
It was only after I stopped drinking that I really began to examine why I had been in the first place.
It was bleeping hard, several difficulties I was not wanting to deal with, lots and lots of raging memories and emotions, feeling overwhelmed. I would not have begun to work through the lot if I had continued drinking.
Finally being offered anti-depressants may have been why I even considered how I could or would keep drinking. So, I must thank that PDr for at least that much. I decided to give the anti-depressants as good a chance to be effective as I could, so the drink had to go.
Over the time of my 'experimentation' with a few anti-depressants, I learned somehow to accept my emotions, to begin to examine the memories, to just be human.
Later I had wondered if the anti-depressants I was using were really doing anything for me. So, with the help of my current PDr, I slowly reduced how much I took, and eventually stopped using them. There were some odd tingly feelings, and I was easily startled, quite a bit for a while, but that declined. Apparently these things are about my anxiety, which the anti-depressants may have been calming, while the depression remained the same.
Okay, I think. I am familiar with my depression. I've lived with it for almost fifty years, maybe. In a sense, I work around it, despite it, I don't know. I see it, and say, 'you again, I know you'. I acknowledge it only, that's all. If I can just keep treading water, keeping my head above the surface... that's what matters now.
I don't know how I have survived through some things. Stubborn, or I got really angry, or just that with time, the things simply don't have so devastating an impact upon my daily life. Or maybe, as I get into my mid sixties & my memory is getting so bad that I am not recalling everything as frequently...that would actually be okay, so long as I don't end up with emotional outbursts, which I am unable to relate back to any specific memory, temporarily unavailable to me. That is a separate source of frustration I will have to work on.
I wish everyone here even a moment of gentle calmness & peace of mind, if only to show it is attainable.