That's ok Captain T I understand and I'm here to support you along with our community.
I understand where you are at and I understand it's a hard place to be in, but hold onto the hope that you will recover from this you really will just keep pushing forward.
I understand the feelings that accompany these thoughts, our internal system can take a battering and it can be very exhausting.
Please try to redirect your attention to something more positive in the present moment.
The light in your thoughts will get longer just keep persevering, I always prayed for a re newed mind when I was in the grips of my condition I eventually received this.
The dark thoughts are very confronting I understand I felt the same way but please try to understand in some way that you are "not" your thoughts but the "watcher" of your thoughts. I understand that this is a hard concept to understand but with the practice of meditation you really can learn this.
Meditation was one of the things that got me over the line with my condition, I learned to observe my thoughts and not get caught up in them.. I no longer identified with them.
That's great you have downloaded some meditation apps, with meditation you don't need to switch off your mind the point of meditation is to allow your thoughts to be there, no matter what they are and not to get caught up in them. You become the 'observer' but it takes practice.
I like to do a guided meditation for learning to watch my thoughts.
Practice slowing down your breathing
Practice attention training ..... when you are washing the dishes how does the water feel? What can you hear? What can you smell, how do the dishes feel.....
If you feel as though things are getting worse for you, you can go back to your gp and discuss the way you are currently feeling, I was in regular contact with my gp when I was in the grips of my condition.
You can always call Beyond Blue and talk to our friendly councilors 1300 22 4636.
And we are here as a community on this forum to support you.
Stay positive and have a knowing that you will recover from this in time.