Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

Hi Captain T


Welcome to the forums and thank you for being a member of this open, kind and helpful community.
 
We know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey as also for you too.
 
Please note, it’s worth remembering that immediate support is not available via the forums. Some days are slower than others, and some topics hit home with people more than others. The number of replies received will always vary from day to day.
 
If you need more immediate contact, please use our support service either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
Thank you again for joining us here and for starting this conversation. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are feeling, if you are comfortable.


Regards


Sophie M

Thank you

Hello Captain T, hi and thanks for coming to the forums.

Fighting to get well can not be achieved like turning a light switch on/off, we only wish that was how it could be done, but there are many problems that lead onto other concerns, some we realise and others we don't know about, may be because we try and push them aside, however with emotional pain, there could be so many different reasons why this happens, with perhaps one major concern that's precipitated all of this.

We are here for you if you want to come back and help us understand your problem.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Hi Geoff

I don’t know what my problem is. I’m healthy have a home and a good job.
I feel as though I don’t deserve these as i am not good enough.

I feel worthless and useless and that the world would be better off with out me. There is no sense to that though.

I continually hide how I feel from everyone. My family wouldn’t understand and would judge me for there being no reason. Im scared to tell anyone how bad I actually feel in case I push them away or they judge me too.

I have never been to a psychologist but am waiting for an appointment time. I am scared, embarrassed and ashamed that I’ve gotten to the point that a desperately need help.

I don’t know what to expect when I go if I can get in. Im worried that if I don’t tell them everything that I’ll never get through this but at the same time im worried that if I do tell them who dark my life has become that they’ll judge me.

Sometimes I think if it would all just end it would be so much easier and I wouldn’t have to fight it or face it anymore.

Thanks for listening. I feel like im a lost cause.

captain t

Hi Captain T,

Thank you for sharing a bit more about what's been going on. It's good to hear you're waiting for an appointment. It's a powerful thing to do when you're feeling scared and ashamed, and it's really brave of you to have shared openly here too.

If at any point you feel unable to avoid acting on thoughts of self harm or suicide, please know that more immediate support is always here for you. We're reaching out to you privately, or you can call our Support Service directly on the number at the top of the page. If you at any point feel unable to avoid acting on these feelings of ending it, it's really important to keep yourself safe by making a call to 000 or presenting to ED, as this is an emergency.

One thing we might suggest is a Suicide Safety Planning app, Beyond Now. Have you heard of Safety Planning? It puts all your coping tools in a series of steps, so that they’re there for you to refer to when you don’t know what to do. You can find out more and have a look at creating a plan here.

Thanks again for sharing here. We're listening, and hopefully we'll hear a bit more from the community at some point today. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

Yesterday I ended up in a really dark place and did something stupid.

I reached out for help for the first time and actually talked to someone about everything. It was a relief to know that it was ok to ask for help and that the is no shame in it. It actually shows some strength. I went to be feeling a little safer.

I have woken up today with a little bit of hope for my day. I will try to keep that little bit of hope with me through the day

I am strong and hopeful that today may be a better day. The darkness is still there and not far away but all I can do is hope that I do have some fight left.

Hi Captain T,

There are days when I have really struggled with my depression. The mind can take me on a trip to hell and back, that can leave me feeling shattered and distressed. I have used phone support services and find them to be helpful when I can't understand the darkness.

I have been to a psychologist. I sometimes find it helpful to write down what is going on in my head and to pass the paper to the psych if I don't think I can find the words verbally. The psychologists will have experienced people communicating in different ways.

One time I Googled depression and just wrote down all the symptoms I was experiencing.

It is great you were able to talk to someone, having someone listen and maybe offer some solutions can help ease the strength of the depression. Congratulations for having the courage to seek help.

Is there one thing you like doing that you may be able to incorporate each day or at least weekly to make life feel more worthwhile? I like walking and try to do it daily. I like to take photos on my phone and try to find something different each time.

Accept when you have are not coping and think what you can do next to get through that moment.

Hi Doolhof

Thanks for sharing with me.

It is a hell of a roller coaster especially when you can’t understand why the darkness is there. I hate that on the outside looking in that there should be nothing wrong however on the inside it can be very debilitating.

I will write down my thoughts and give that to her as it maybe easier for me to be able to share with her.

I have a little dog so I take her for a walk daily so it makes me actually get out. I don’t have any hobbies or anything that I enjoy. My life just revolves around my dog. It’s something that I know I need to fix but in this headspace it is quite hard to find any enjoyment in anything.

I did have quite a reasonable day but I’m starting to come down now and just trying to stay focused on the good in the day. It’s now dark and cold out and maybe that’s a trigger. While I was in the sun it was good but as it got overcast so did I. That’s the first time that while going through the absolute hell I have even noticed a good thing or trigger so maybe it’s a start.

Thanks for listening

Captain T

Everything just keeps getting darker.

Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I enjoy just one full day of lightness.

Does it ever get easier. Will I ever get better.

I am safe just need to vent and get it out

Hi Captain T,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

and YES it does get easier and you can get better.

Our mental health journey is that it’s a journey but it’s a journey that can be very rewarding although there will be ups and downs.

Please stick with your health professionals so they can help you.

I understand that opening up to a psychologist can be scary but once you do open up they will be able to help you find the light.

The light exits ………… I was once consumed by the darkness but now I live fully in the light.

Hold onto hope because this is what will keep you moving forward.

Please ask me anything.

Hello Captain T, even if we knew what the problem was, we may not be sure of how to tackle the problem, that's what a psychologist can do for you.

Can I suggest you start writing down in point form all the issues you are struggling with, and the reason I say in point form, is because they can quickly visualise the problems, whereas if you write a letter, the main points may get lost.

The reason we get lost and don't feel as though we can or want to open up to anyone is because we simply don't want to be told 'you have a good life and everything you need so why are you depressed', we don't want to be criticised by people who don't understand what's actually happening, if they see you acting differently or in a strange way, then knowledge would tell you that something isn't right.

Try the list and keep adding items to it.

Geoff.

Thanks petal22

It’s good to know that if I can keep on going that there is hope and that I may get better.

Yesterday and this morning I can see a small glimmer of light at times. It feels like one step forward and two steps back.

Is this how it was for you?

I know I need to focus on that one step forward but I can’t seem to shift my mindset to that. I keep focusing on the two back and it brings me crashing back down to complete despair. It’s like my head is fighting itself and the bad side keeps winning.

This is the darkest I’ve ever been and it has scared me. I’ve had thoughts that I’ve never had before and didn’t think I’d ever have. I always thought I was stronger than this.

I do believe that my little dog has been my saviour. I have to fight for her as she loves me and needs me. Also being able to open up here and say how I’m really feeling has helped, instead of having to just say ‘I’m ok’. No one really wants to hear that you’re not and also realising it is ok to not be ok and many people are there with you. And many people have been here and made it to the other side.

I am trying to take in what is being written and trying to take on the guidance of others. It is in that small part of my brain that keeps hoping but loses out to that dark side. I do have some clarity at times and think I am putting to much pressure on myself and starting to see some triggers. But the fear, darkness and social anxiety are preventing me from moving forward.

Hopefully my psych will be able to help me move through this

Thanks for listening

Captain T

Hi Geoff

OMG that is spot on! And hear it a lot.

This horrible illness doesn’t discriminate. People in the best if circumstances can be dealing with while some on the worst are fine. I think that’s why it is so hard to face up to especially when you have been conditioned to it.

I will start the dot points as in my few moments of clarity, I am starting to see little things. I just don’t know how to fix them but im sure that will come when I start to work through it with the psychologist. I get just the points as that needs to be the focus otherwise I’ll get lost in the rambling and focus on it instead of the actual issue.

Thank you so much for your advice and understanding

Captain T

Hi CaptainT,

While you are writing down dot points of what is not going so well for you right now, how about you create a list of dot points for the okay stuff, the things that are going well or something you can be thankful for.

These points don't have to be huge.

I made a coffee, I washed my cup after (might be huge for some people.)

I saw a cute little dog which made me smile while out walking

I enjoyed my dinner.

The sun felt good on my face today.

I am really stressed at work some days so I have a note book I write in.

- a staff member said hello today.

- a customer was kind

- I handled a difficult phone conversation well

- my job enables me to go for drives and have coffee.

There is also a Social Zone here on the forum, you might find some threads you may like to join in with. It can provide a sense of connection and also distraction.

Hi Doolhof

Thanks for the advice. I will jot down the good points too. In a whole world of negatives it would be to see some positive and what I have actually done for myself.

I have to go back to work on Friday and my job is quite boring and monotonous and you spend 10 hrs of a 12 hr shift alone with nothing but a 2way and fm radio. I am terrified that I’m going to get lost in my own headspace. Maybe this will help with keeping me out of it.

I am lucky though that my boss did just ring and see if I was ready to come back or if he needed to authorise more time off. While I haven’t explained the full extent of my darkness and despair, or the stupid things that I’ve done to myself, to him he does know a little He has offered his support in helping me to try and get well. And will help me through my shifts.

Thanks for you support

Hi Captain T,

It is wonderful you have a boss who cares! I hope you are able to communicate your needs to your boss.

I am wondering if you have the capacity at work to listen to podcasts or talking books through a library app. ( I actually have no idea how these things work as I am techno challenged but have heard other people talk about them!)

Having a wandering mind that easily drifts to the dark side can be a nuisance! Are there little mind games you could use for distractions? Think of a country or place starting with each letter of the alphabet maybe. Think of 10 movies you would like to see again. Items that are orange in colour.

Sometimes these distractions help me. Not always. Sometimes those darn horrid thoughts just keep going around and around and grow into the perfect storm of doom! Oh Dear! When that happens I really need to be able to tell my mind to stop! That sometimes works too!

Realising I have the power to distract myself can be incredibly enlightening!

Wishing you well on your discovery of ideas, strategies and concepts to help you through.

Hi Captain T,

You will get better keep telling yourself that your condition is temporary.

Yes definitely my recovery was two steps forward and one back again but eventually the good days out weighed the bad days.

I understand the mindset, mine was quite firmly focused on all the negatives it was really horrible, I kept saying that my mind just wasn't me it went against everything I stood for as a person.

I actually thought I was going crazy and would be admitted to a mental institution but after speaking to my gp she re assured me that it was just my anxiety and she was right as my journey unfolded this was confirmed and I wasn't put in a mental institution it was just my anxiety being driven by my fears.

Let me tell you something what your body is doing is not your fault, I had horrible dark destressing thoughts when I went through severe anxiety OCD I learned that these thoughts usually accompany anxiety and depression.

After the professional help I received being put on medication and doing therapy the thoughts did eventually lift, you just have to hang in there.

I understand I didn't think my mind would ever take me to the places it took me to but it did it was very very scary for me.

You have said that you thought you where stronger than this.......... you are strong Captain T you really are because you are actually building resilience within yourself right now even if you can't see it yet.

Have you been able to speak to those close to you about the way you are feeling? I understand that it's hard some times because we don't really understand it ourselves and we worry how others will take it .

I opened up to my husband about the way I was feeling and about my intrusive thoughts, yes he didn't understand it but he tried and it gave him a bit of insight in regards to why I was acting the way I was.

I'm glad you have your little dog, keep trying to distract yourself and keep busy.

Have you ever tried meditation?

Your really not alone in this I understand and alot of people go through it.

I'm here to chat you

Hi Doolhof

My boss is really good and is a mate which helps.

Im not very tech savvy either but I can’t have my mobile on site when I’m working.

I’ll take a list of mind distractions with me. It’s a great idea thank you.

Thanks Petal22

I do feel like I’m going crazy and life is so dark that I’m scared of getting locked up too. I have never been so terrified of what my head is telling me making me feel. I am doing my best to focus on the slight light that I do get in my day and keeping praying that it’s there longer and more often.

I am reading your replies and keep coming back to them. I take a little more from them each time. It is really helpful to see that you got through it and with what worked for you. I really do appreciate it and am so very grateful.

I don’t have anyone in my life that I can completely open up too. I don’t have a partner and not many friends. I do have 3 friends that know a little but I’m scared of what is in my head and I’m worried that I’ll scare them off.

I have downloaded some meditation apps but I can’t seem to switch my messed up head off to concentrate on them and listen.

Thanks so much for your support and knowing I’m not alone. I promise I really am trying to get through just most moments are harder than others.

That's ok Captain T I understand and I'm here to support you along with our community.

I understand where you are at and I understand it's a hard place to be in, but hold onto the hope that you will recover from this you really will just keep pushing forward.

I understand the feelings that accompany these thoughts, our internal system can take a battering and it can be very exhausting.

Please try to redirect your attention to something more positive in the present moment.

The light in your thoughts will get longer just keep persevering, I always prayed for a re newed mind when I was in the grips of my condition I eventually received this.

The dark thoughts are very confronting I understand I felt the same way but please try to understand in some way that you are "not" your thoughts but the "watcher" of your thoughts. I understand that this is a hard concept to understand but with the practice of meditation you really can learn this.

Meditation was one of the things that got me over the line with my condition, I learned to observe my thoughts and not get caught up in them.. I no longer identified with them.

That's great you have downloaded some meditation apps, with meditation you don't need to switch off your mind the point of meditation is to allow your thoughts to be there, no matter what they are and not to get caught up in them. You become the 'observer' but it takes practice.

I like to do a guided meditation for learning to watch my thoughts.

Practice slowing down your breathing

Practice attention training ..... when you are washing the dishes how does the water feel? What can you hear? What can you smell, how do the dishes feel.....

If you feel as though things are getting worse for you, you can go back to your gp and discuss the way you are currently feeling, I was in regular contact with my gp when I was in the grips of my condition.

You can always call Beyond Blue and talk to our friendly councilors 1300 22 4636.

And we are here as a community on this forum to support you.

Stay positive and have a knowing that you will recover from this in time.

Thanks

I will take it on board.

Just in a really dark place at the moment.

Hi Captain T,

If you had to pick a film, what genre would you choose?

Action/Adventure
Crime
Comedy
Horror/Thriller
Fantasy
etc...

Dear Captain T,
 
We can see that you have been receiving fantastic support and advice from our community members and that you have had a recent positive experience talking to a counsellor at Beyond Blue. It is great that you have been seeking those positive moments but understand the frustration at constantly feeling you are stuck taking “one step forward, two steps back”.
 
As has been discussed recovery is a journey and these journeys are not always as straight forward or linear as we may hope. Setbacks, disruptions, and periods of stagnation are experienced by many and are not a reflection on your recovery or you as a person. You have done the best thing you can in expressing your negative thoughts and engaging with others for support. Please continue to focus on the positives you have recently experienced and build on these.
 
We hope you remember we’re here for you 24/7, so if you feel you need to talk through how you are feeling or honestly do just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
If at any point those negative thoughts become overwhelming and you believe you may be at risk, or you no longer feel safe we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
Please remember you’re not alone though this journey, the community is here to support you through this dark place and Beyond Blue counsellors are just a phone call away, should you need them.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

Hello Captain T, mediation doesn't seem to work for me, but I'm pleased it does for other people, and the reason being, is I keep asking myself 'why'.

Writing down your issues in point form, concentrates you solely on that remark, which may make you elaborate on another trigger point you hadn't thought of, so another point is created.

The same may apply when your psychologist puts these words in their own way, prompting a discussion on something that may be a secret you could be hiding.

MI lets us question certain points which seem to be obvious, but under this, there could be many different issues that you might not have realised that are adding onto how you are feeling.

Take care.

Geoff.

Thanks everyone

I am listening and I am taking what you say on board. I do keep coming back and reading everything. I really am trying. I can see some light at times and I’m really trying to focus on those moments. The good and triggers lists are a great help. It’s hard to see them all but a few is a start.

I am petrified of what my mind has become and the thoughts that it’s making me have and the things it’s making me do. I am terrified. The fear brings me to tears more than the darkness does.

The fear of going back to work tomorrow made me do something stupid last night but I now understand what’s done is done and move past it.

I have to do food prep today to get through work for the next 5 days so at least that will be a huge distraction.

Thank you all for listening and being there. Know that I do appreciate and value your suggestions and feed back.

Thanks all

Captain

Anxious is an understatement of what I’m feeling right now about going back in the morning.

I’ve kept myself distracted all day by getting everything ready. I’ve got everything covered except for the actual shift.

Hopefully I can do it.

Hi Captain T,

You are showing great resilience, you are stronger than you think.

Believe in yourself.

Have you thought about having a chat to your boss in regards to what you are currently going through?

I'm sure they will try to understand and support you.

We are all here as a community to support you, please reach out to us any time.

Hello Captain T, as Petal says we are here for you.

Take your time this morning, there is no rush to prove anything, the only thing you need to do is to feel comfortable, nothing more, nor nothing less, it's about you adjusting to how much you can cope with and remember it's an enormous effort you are undertaking.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Thanks guys

I had my routine and do everything as I normally would and felt ok.

I was nervous when I got in the car to go. Started out ok. I managed to distract myself for a while. Then as the day went in it was harder and harder. I had to call my boss and say I was going home He sent me home and was surprised I made it so long.

I despise myself for not making it. I’m a failure. I’m trying so hard but it’s never good enough. I was too useless to make a whole day. I’ve still got 2 more and then 2 nights to go.

I can’t keep fighting and not getting anywhere. I just feel like giving up.

All I do on here is complain and I’m sorry. I can hear myself being negative and a defeatist but I can’t help it. Maybe I should just stop.