I guess I just want to vent without anyone knowing who I am so here it goes!

 

I'm currently sitting at my work desk at my full time job writing bits and pieces here in between answering calls and emails.

I actually don't mind my job, but I'm faced with negativity every day. Essentially my job is to actually try to motivate people myself...and I do pretty well for the most part - I feel that sometimes though I wish I could listen to my own advice. I mean, if I'm telling these people to essentially suck it up and keep moving (not in those words of course, haha), why can't I do it?

I've been suffering from depression...or anxiety...or manic...god knows what (nobody can figure me out) since I was about 17, and I'll be 27 this year.

I think the reason it's hard to diagnose me is because can be so internal (and a GP talking to me for 20 minutes is definitely not going to have any good grasp on my personality). On the outside I'm almost completely capable of living a normal life - I go to work every day, I'm extremely physically fit, healthy and live a lifestyle that I think that a lot of people would envy. I'm very very lucky and find that when I set my heart onto something, I can achieve it, or the answer comes to me... the only problem is no matter where I am in life, no matter what opportunity presents itself to me, no matter what achievement I've made; I always, always feel horrible and empty and useless on the inside. Inside my head is a constant barrage of stupid crazy thoughts, negative self speak, frustrated feelings...sometimes no thoughts at all... it's just incredibly frustrating and I feel like there is nothing I can do.

It's gotten to the point where now I'm not just in a 'low' mood. Now days I snap, I get angry at the people closest to me, and at the smallest things. I'm up and down and all over the joint...and just when I think I might actually be some kind of normal for a week or two - boom. I'll end up in some psychotic crying, helpless feeling state where I'll just cry and cry and want to scream...and I don't know why. I don't think I actually have a trigger. It just happens, much to the dismay of my poor long term partner who I don't think ever would have imagined that his gf was quite so mad...and here is me starting to realise the way I'm making him feel...I feel like he's starting to wonder if this will ever end, if I'll ever get better, if there's anything he can do, etc etc...and to be honest I don't really think there is anything he can do. I'm just thankful for the hugs and patience... I really am starting to feel guilty about what I'm doing to him though. He's a tough boy - a pure strong and confident alpha male...and I've made him cry on multiple occasions, because I've made him feel helpless. I hate, hate, hate that I've made him feel that way. :(

I've been to various doctors, Councillors, pychs, etc - but I guess I haven't been able to stick with any particular one for very long. I've found an issue with finances - even though the government does pay for some of the fees for help...I'm left to cover the rest (some bill charge I don't understand), and right now while my life and the life of my partners is changing (we are currently building a business together because neither of us like the idea of working under a corporation making money for someone elses dreams, haha) I just can't afford to look after my damn brain....

Even whilst being in the psych chair though I've felt that I wasn't really getting a lot of help. Like I said, I look and seem like I'm okay. I've been told more than once that they've actually been suprised that I should be sad at all. I want to beat my head on a wall when they say that because it's really, really hard for me to actually say what I'm thinking out loud and to try to make them understand how I really feel. I can't ever really get my thoughts into a clear enough line to be able to tell people what I'm actually thinking or feeling... With my friends I feel like I should just spare them the pain of knowing my brain-thoughts, so I don't really bother talking about it and cover everything with humour. Some of them know, but I don't think anyone except for my partner actually know how messy it really is up in here.

I guess I just wish I could figure out what to do. I do all the right things...I look after myself, I work out, I try to sleep properly, I try to work toward the future, I eat really, really well, I set goals, I surround myself with motivated, loving humans... it's just... I always feel like I have a knot in my heart and a terrible emptiness. I feel disconnected. I can't remember what it feels like to be truly happy and it just kills me inside knowing that.I wish I could just wake up in the morning and bounce out of bed with happiness and confidence...

I've already pre-empted that I'm going to immediately regret this post the second I hit that little pink button because I know I hate people knowing what I think -even if they don't know who I am, I hate the judgement...but screw it, I guess I'll have to deal with that one later. lol.

 

/rant for now.

 

And I'm sorry if you read all of that, hahaha.

I know exactly how you feel miss k,especially having all these crazy thoughts running around in your head and when you try to put them into words they come out as a scrambled mess . Everything you wrote I can relate to,except for the eating right and being fit! oh and having a bf lol. You are very lucky to have such an understanding partner in your life

I know this doesn't really help you but i hope you get some comfort in knowing you are not the only one out there that has these problems. Hang in there

Yep, pretty much know how you feel, I get frustrated too that your only allowed "x" amount of session per year, payed for by the government. I am a scrambled mess, always have been but because I function to a certain degree, I don't often get the help I need, even if I ask.

I feel dreadful for what I put my husband and daughter through. The guilt's overwhelming at times. I just try and push through it.

Hey Miss K, wow you just wrote my story for me (other than the fitness gig, something I need to work on).  Don't fear the judgement, experience tells me most of it is only in our heads and not actually happening.  You sound like a beautiful human that is trying to achieve perfection, that was my goal for a very long time.  I still struggle with falling short but am slowly coming to terms with the fact that human perfection actually includes some short comings when the bar is set so high.

Stay strong 

It's a relief to hear that I'm not the only one. I'm 22 and I've never been to a psychologist, but I'm thinking about it. I just know I'm going to have trouble communicating my real feelings. It's like I've trained myself to put on this level headed persona. I know my friends and other acquaintances see me as completely normal - I'm actually the one THEY complain about their problems to. I hide it well and, and like you, whenever I try to talk about things in my life, it always come out as humourous. It's like I feel uncomfortable telling them, so I tell it in a funny way. Whenever I do manage to open up to a close friend, I feel so terrible and vulnerable afterwards, and am filled with regret.

While I don't do all the right things as you; eat well, sleep well, etc. I definitely understand the frustration of being privileged with a great life, but still feeling emptiness. I often feel empty/discontent after I come home from a good night out. I feel so frustrated at myself for not feeling content! Like you, I can't remember the feeling of being completely happy. Sometimes I think it's just part of my personality; I can't imagine myself being any other way. I've kind of just accepted it for years now. I would love to figure out a way to fix it though. Sorry this response doesn't really help solve the problem, just wanted to share haha.

Hi Miss_k,

Great tittle! it's made my day to laugh out loud and it's only 10:40am and I now know I'm going to have a great day :) well here's to hoping...

Something I have found since becoming a member of this site is that having many people around you on this site with similar issues and unhelpful thoughts/opinions of themselves, carried through their days, is that by sharing my/their/our thoughts with everyone,  it unites us all and then maybe we don't feel so alone or "different" in our routine discomfort??

This is what this site has done for me and I have achieved a little better understanding of the fact that although it may not be "optimal" to have these feelings inside of us (whether it be sometimes or all the time), it is not abnormal either, because there are many people out there having these similar issues :)

I hope this post helps in some way a little?  :)

p.s I and others also know what it feels like to see the effects a person can have on a loved one.  I have had the "privilege" of seeing my partner change in ways because of my issues and all I can do about this, is to try to forget them for a while each day, to be in a better position to give back to my girlfriend and family members for choosing to accept and love me :) Try not to feel guilty about it, you can redeem your dignity and self respect at any time by trying to appreciate only the way your selfless actions make them feel GOOD, not the other thoughts.

You are in good hands on this site.

Mark   

Thanks everyone, I haven't quite figured out how this forum works so hopefully I'm replying in the right way. :)

It's good to know I'm not the only one (I guess for me...but bad for you lot bahahaha :p :p :p )

Well, I think fitness has helped me level out quite a lot to me honest and I'm very passionate about it...I would rather feel physically strong and cray-cray than weak and cray-cray! Riiiiight? :D

 

I went to the see a GP yesterday for another screening (5th time could be?). He was actually the first doctor that I've met who has had any real insight into mental disorders at all. Seemed to be a passion of his (strange to me, but I'll take it, lol).

Long story short.... we're putting me on medication next week as my issues are more internal than externally caused and we're quite sure it's a chemical imbalance (though to my credit though iiiif I don't say so myself lol, I've been through a lot as well..however, I've feel that logically most of my past worries and woes are fixed now so I should not be feeling quite so poop as I am now)....but he's gone and thrown in a new curve ball and suggested I may have bi-polar...or may not, we're not 100% sure yet. I am a weirdo. 
I have to do some extra testing and all that jazz before he accidentally puts me onto the wrong medication and we're all having a fun time.:D

That's the only thing I'm worried about I guess... and I suppose I didn't like the word 'bipolar', because it makes me think of that movie and all the stigma people have about it....I was told there are two types and that I may be the less severe type. I suppose it all makes sense really...but I won't truly know until I get a result or reaction of some kind from the medication itself. Yeaaaay!

I'm going back next Friday night to nut it out again and see what he's decided I may be.

Fingers crossed he gets it right.

 

How's everyone else going? x

Unicorn, you sound just like me, you really do. At least none of us are alone.

x