I guess I just want to vent without anyone knowing who I am so here it goes!
I'm currently sitting at my work desk at my full time job writing bits and pieces here in between answering calls and emails.
I actually don't mind my job, but I'm faced with negativity every day. Essentially my job is to actually try to motivate people myself...and I do pretty well for the most part - I feel that sometimes though I wish I could listen to my own advice. I mean, if I'm telling these people to essentially suck it up and keep moving (not in those words of course, haha), why can't I do it?
I've been suffering from depression...or anxiety...or manic...god knows what (nobody can figure me out) since I was about 17, and I'll be 27 this year.
I think the reason it's hard to diagnose me is because can be so internal (and a GP talking to me for 20 minutes is definitely not going to have any good grasp on my personality). On the outside I'm almost completely capable of living a normal life - I go to work every day, I'm extremely physically fit, healthy and live a lifestyle that I think that a lot of people would envy. I'm very very lucky and find that when I set my heart onto something, I can achieve it, or the answer comes to me... the only problem is no matter where I am in life, no matter what opportunity presents itself to me, no matter what achievement I've made; I always, always feel horrible and empty and useless on the inside. Inside my head is a constant barrage of stupid crazy thoughts, negative self speak, frustrated feelings...sometimes no thoughts at all... it's just incredibly frustrating and I feel like there is nothing I can do.
It's gotten to the point where now I'm not just in a 'low' mood. Now days I snap, I get angry at the people closest to me, and at the smallest things. I'm up and down and all over the joint...and just when I think I might actually be some kind of normal for a week or two - boom. I'll end up in some psychotic crying, helpless feeling state where I'll just cry and cry and want to scream...and I don't know why. I don't think I actually have a trigger. It just happens, much to the dismay of my poor long term partner who I don't think ever would have imagined that his gf was quite so mad...and here is me starting to realise the way I'm making him feel...I feel like he's starting to wonder if this will ever end, if I'll ever get better, if there's anything he can do, etc etc...and to be honest I don't really think there is anything he can do. I'm just thankful for the hugs and patience... I really am starting to feel guilty about what I'm doing to him though. He's a tough boy - a pure strong and confident alpha male...and I've made him cry on multiple occasions, because I've made him feel helpless. I hate, hate, hate that I've made him feel that way. :(
I've been to various doctors, Councillors, pychs, etc - but I guess I haven't been able to stick with any particular one for very long. I've found an issue with finances - even though the government does pay for some of the fees for help...I'm left to cover the rest (some bill charge I don't understand), and right now while my life and the life of my partners is changing (we are currently building a business together because neither of us like the idea of working under a corporation making money for someone elses dreams, haha) I just can't afford to look after my damn brain....
Even whilst being in the psych chair though I've felt that I wasn't really getting a lot of help. Like I said, I look and seem like I'm okay. I've been told more than once that they've actually been suprised that I should be sad at all. I want to beat my head on a wall when they say that because it's really, really hard for me to actually say what I'm thinking out loud and to try to make them understand how I really feel. I can't ever really get my thoughts into a clear enough line to be able to tell people what I'm actually thinking or feeling... With my friends I feel like I should just spare them the pain of knowing my brain-thoughts, so I don't really bother talking about it and cover everything with humour. Some of them know, but I don't think anyone except for my partner actually know how messy it really is up in here.
I guess I just wish I could figure out what to do. I do all the right things...I look after myself, I work out, I try to sleep properly, I try to work toward the future, I eat really, really well, I set goals, I surround myself with motivated, loving humans... it's just... I always feel like I have a knot in my heart and a terrible emptiness. I feel disconnected. I can't remember what it feels like to be truly happy and it just kills me inside knowing that.I wish I could just wake up in the morning and bounce out of bed with happiness and confidence...
I've already pre-empted that I'm going to immediately regret this post the second I hit that little pink button because I know I hate people knowing what I think -even if they don't know who I am, I hate the judgement...but screw it, I guess I'll have to deal with that one later. lol.
/rant for now.
And I'm sorry if you read all of that, hahaha.