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Forums / Grief and loss / "timeframe" for grieving?

Topic: "timeframe" for grieving?

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. E_Templar
    E_Templar avatar
    3 posts
    22 October 2018

    hi, just registered on this forum, so please go easy on me!

    I had a stillbirth 5 years ago and to this day it still haunts me. I feel like I am a failed mum for not being able to give my son a life properly. I do have a living daughter, now 9 years old, who is a huge part of my life. her father ( now my ex, for numerous amount of reasons I won't elaborate right now) thinks I am still "whinging about it" and I should just get over it, stop moping around over something that happened 5 years ago.

    is there a "timeframe" of some sort for grieving, or being depressed? I used to see a psychologist right after the stillbirth but I felt greatly uncomfortable being in her office. seeing a "f__g shrink" apparently should have fixed me not made me feel worse as a mother, my ex said back in the day. not sure why I remember what he uttered all that time ago as I don't live with him anymore and only talk when absolutely needed (he is in QLD I am in WA with my daughter) but upon browsing disability employment services, I thought, "is depression considered as a disability? oh speaking of which... yeah apparently there's a timeframe for being depressed"

    my apologies if I am rumbling. it has been years but it is not an easy thing to get over.

    should people just "get over" grief after a certain amount of time or is there no such thing?

  2. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11268 posts
    22 October 2018 in reply to E_Templar

    Hello E_Templar

    Welcome and my sincere condolences for your loss. You are proactive with your health by reaching out to the gentle people on the forums and good on you!

    There is no timeframe for grieving. There is also no 'just getting over it' either. My mum is 88 years old and still grieves (remembers) for her stillborn child in the late 1950's

    Diagnosed depression can be a serious illness for sure. If our (diagnosed) depression interferes with our day to day well being then there is an issue that needs to be addressed

    You have nothing to apologise for at all E_Templar. The forums are a secure and non judgemental place for you to post :-)

    Thankyou for being a part of the forum family

    Paul

  3. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    romantic_thi3f avatar
    3116 posts
    24 October 2018 in reply to E_Templar

    Hi E_Templar,

    Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here. I'm really sorry to hear about your stillbirth.

    Paul (blondguy) is absolutely right - grief doesn't have a timeline. Everyone grieves differently, some more intense than others, and that's all okay.

    Having said that though, sometimes after a while the intensity of the grief can linger on and interrupt our day to day lives, like lingering in with depression. So it's okay to seek help. Seeking help isn't about 'fixing you' either - just being able to cope with it. Particularly when I'm hearing that you're blaming yourself, and I'm imagining that it must be so exhausting to be constantly feeling like that's your fault. A stillbirth isn't anybody's fault.

    With the employment services, it depends on who you ask. In some services they can consider a diagnosis of depression to be a disability, where as others have much more specific requirements. Good employment services provider will always take into account your needs and wants (diagnosis or not) so it pays to persist.

    One place you might want to check out is SANDS - they have both helplines, live chats and email support - all from people who have been in similar situations. Their site is here - https://www.sands.org.au/ and if you want to give them a ring you can reach them on 1300 072 637.

    Hope this helps,

  4. E_Templar
    E_Templar avatar
    3 posts
    2 November 2018

    thanks so much both of you. this, along with my financial predicament is just making me feel worse each day and I need to go see a specialist. I've just seen my GP to discuss the mental health program, hopefully that'll get it all sorted.

    the shock of stillbirth is not as raw as it used to be, or was not, until recently. I thought I was getting better then I had an onset of unexpected bleeding for 3 weeks straight which reminded me of the difficult pregnancy that did not end well.

    I'll try to recover. thank you for your warm welcoming words.

  5. Rishie
    Rishie avatar
    50 posts
    15 November 2018 in reply to E_Templar
    Hi E_Templar. I'm also new here.
    I think grief is a very personal thing, each person handles it differently and no one really has the right to criticise you for how you are dealing with it. Your ex doesn't understand how it is for you, you bore that child and carried it inside you, it is natural that losing this child would hurt you very deeply. I hope you can get the support that you need to get you through this.
    Hugs and prayers,
    Rishie.
  6. Frantic1
    Frantic1 avatar
    37 posts
    4 December 2018 in reply to E_Templar
    There is definitely no timeline for grief. Everyone grieves in their own way and own time. I am so sorry for your loss. Although it isn't as raw as it used to be there will still be unexpected moments when something triggers us and it hurts all over again. This is completely normal. Avoid people who don't understand and talk to people who do. A mental health plan with the GP sounds like a good idea. Definitely get some counselling. Best of luck and best wishes.

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