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Forums / Grief and loss / 26, Widowed, and a little bit lost

Topic: 26, Widowed, and a little bit lost

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Stussi
    Stussi avatar
    2 posts
    1 July 2016

    Hi all,

    I lost my fiancee on our Wedding Day Feb 2015 before we were married, we were both 24 at the time. Flash forward 18 months and I'm back at work doing well, I have friends and family who love me, but I feel so lost and don't know how to talk to anyone about it. I'm lonely and sad and find it hard to relate to anyone my own age in and out of relationships as I don't know anyone my age who has been through the same thing as me. I feel like I have to be strong too, it's just part of who I am, but I am sick of being strong... I suppose I am looking for someone to relate to, someone who understands...

    Happy and open to talk.. any help would be appreciated.

    Thank you in advance

  2. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    1 July 2016 in reply to Stussi

    Dear Stussi

    Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sad for you losing your fiancee on your wedding day. Can you tell us what happened, but only if this is not too distressing. Please accept my condolences.

    Grief is very hard to manage. You not only lost your husband-to-be but all the hopes and dreams you had for your life together. You put a huge effort into planning for the future and now that is gone. It really hurts.

    May I suggest you stop being strong and allow yourself to grieve and mourn your loss. Looking for someone else while your grief is still raw will not happen. It is our nature to mourn over lost loves and dreams of happiness so give yourself time and more importantly, give yourself permission to cry. I think it is this holding in your hurt that is preventing you from moving forward.

    Have a chat to your GP about going to see a grief counsellor. It's good to be able to sit with someone who will not judge you in any way and instead will listen to the story you have to tell. It's important that you do tell this story and recognise that you have had such a tremendous loss. Grief does not go away quickly. My mom died 16 years ago and I still cry over it at times.

    So rather than wear a smile all the time, be the person underneath who needs the comfort of her family and friends. It's true that not many people lose their groom on the wedding day but many women have lost husbands and it doesn't matter how long they have been married, it still hurts. Perhaps you know someone in this category? If so it may help both of you to talk about it.

    I hope my thoughts are helpful to you. Please continue to write in.

    Mary

  3. PatT
    Valued Contributor
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    PatT avatar
    227 posts
    2 July 2016 in reply to Stussi

    Hi Stussi,

    welcome to beyondblue and I'm incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. I'm 25 and I can't even fathom having dealt with what you have at that age. I don't blame you for finding it hard to relate to anyone at the moment. Grief and anguish have a habit of maturing people and with what you've been through your mental and emotional maturity probably outweigh nearly every person our age. What Mary said is right though, you need to be speaking to someone to manage what's happened and kind of find your place again. There's probably a whole lot of stuff under the surface that's confusing you and obscuring your ability to find your place in the world.

    Speak to your GP, get a referral to see somebody and have a discussion about how you're feeling at the moment. The place you're in is almost certainly a lot more complex than you realise and it might be pretty hard to move out of it without some outside help.

    Pat

  4. Stussi
    Stussi avatar
    2 posts
    3 July 2016 in reply to White Rose

    Thank you for your response White Rose and Pat, I lost my fiancee while we were travelling in Canada where he had decided to elope. He died very suddenly and unexpectedly from Pulmonary Embolism. It was just he and I travelling and I was taken in by our Marriage celebrant until my mum was able to fly over and everything was handled from there before we were able to come back to Australia. We were each others whole worlds, best friends from the time we met until all of this happend..

    I've spoken numerous times about it to nearly everyone I know, and while I will always remeber my Jay I have grown tired of retelling the preceedings of the day, it hurts and I hate the look people give me, the 'sad eyes.' I understand that they just want to help, but I really just want to be treated like everyone else my own age and not have the stigma attached to losing someone so dear to me and becoming a Widow so young. I just want to be normal.

    I take time when I need it to cry and rest, I often go to the beach close to me to clear my head. I enjoy climbing moutains and being in nature and make an effort to go on hikes and climbs regularly. I am physically active in my work and personal life and eat well. I'm just sad, and lonely... I have started to invite people with me on my climbs now though, I used to do them by myself, but I'm inviting friends with me now too which has been helpful. I enjoy spending time with people, it helps me stay out of my own head..

    I spoke with a counselor earlier last year but did not continue as we didn't click and I didn't feel as though I was gaining any more from the sessions than what I was being told from my friends and family as I was speaking openly to them also. But I do agree, I've come to a point where I don't feel many people can relate any more, so I will go and see a GP for a referral.

    Thank you for your time and effort replying, it really is very much appreciated x

  5. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    17 July 2016 in reply to Stussi

    You have my sympathies, while can't relate to your loss, I did lose my mum nearly 10 years ago.

    You've mentioned some interests here, maybe if there's any more you could talk about them here, so you're not dwelling on the grief you feel and can get the sense of normalcy you seem to want.

    Do you have any pets, or have a favourite band/musician, there's threads about both here :)

    I write fan fiction, so part of my brain is always on the look out for scenarios I can use, no matter how trivial. I do it for fun and to keep my brain occupied.

    Feel free to post more whenever the mood strikes, we'll all be here :)

  6. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    18 July 2016 in reply to Stussi

    Hello Stussi

    Good to hear from you. I hope writing in here is helpful for you. I can imagine how painful it is to repeat the the story of how Jay died. When I suggested you talk to a counsellor it was not to rehash the event but to talk about your feelings and how to cope with your loss. It is quite common to find you don't 'click' with a counsellor. Heaps of people on BB will tell you of their search to find someone they feel comfortable with. That's the most important part. After all how can you show all your hurt to someone you do not really trust.

    I am so pleased you are going to try counselling again.

    Climbing mountains! Wow! That is one sport I have never tried and I think it's a bit late now. Happy to use the chair lift. You certainly sound active and that is helpful.

    Having people who love you is fabulous but cannot make up for the very special person you have lost. The son of friends of mine died in an accident at work. As you can imagine they were devastated. One of things that helped them was being able to talk about his life, the things in families that endear us to each other. Not about your loss, although this may come up. Often friends and family are hesitant to 'remember' the person in that way in case it reopens the wound. If the opportunity comes up may I suggest you talk Jay and the time you had with him. Reminiscences are usually good for everyone. Talking about the funny things, the surprises, the phrases a person used frequently. All these are part of Jay and you, part of the story of both of you. It's good to remember.

    Another way to remember is to write down these episodes. Not because you will forget but because it is good to keep the memories alive and fresh. I have found writing to be helpful. Yes it can hurt at times but it hurts in a good way, if there is such a thing, Hope you get my meaning. Also photos. Spend time setting up your photo album or scrapbook. It can be a way to say goodbye, but it is always a way of remembering and feeling close.

    It's a good idea of yours to invite others on your climbs. Can I suggest you revisit those places you went with Jay?

    Please continue to write as often as you feel it is helpful.

    Mary

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