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Forums / Grief and loss / 30 year old female, so much loss...& completely unable to cope... or look forward to anything.

Topic: 30 year old female, so much loss...& completely unable to cope... or look forward to anything.

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. AgnesMaple
    AgnesMaple avatar
    1 posts
    10 August 2018

    ...I have this constant feeling like I’m just waiting for another terrible thing to happen. My gran died of brain cancer. Then my bf died of brain cancer two years later. Then my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer.

    I now live in an almost constant state of paralysis. Like I’m just unable to step forward because I feel like something else terrible will happen. I don’t know how to not feel this way... when every time people have said “it’s okay, life will get better” ...and I have tried to get back to living, life hasn’t gotten better.

    I am also almost in constant pain after some surgery. It’s been 3 years of pain, and multiple specialists. When you’re in pain, with a sense of nothing to look forward to accept more pain... the world looks pretty grim.

    To make matters worse, I have very few friends left in Sydney. By few I mean one... and she’s busy. I can go weeks without hearing from anybody. My husband is supportive, but he’s busy... and can’t offer advice or relate. I get the feeling he loves me but simply doesn’t know what to do or say. i guess if I don’t, then why should he.

    I honestly don’t expect anyone to say anything that will make me feel better. I guess I just needed to let someone, anyone know... perhaps someone will relate, or has experienced worse than I have and gotten though the other side. I have spoken to counsellor, but to be honest... they always want to discuss the deaths in my life... and considering they were pretty awful to witness, I don’t want to keep going over them.

    To anyone who takes the time to read this, thank you... and I’m so sorry for how pessemistic it sounds. I am not okay. I just pinned up photos of everyone who would care if I just ended my life... and it’s not many... it’s not many...

    In tears. I know there’s no easy solution... I just needed to at least write my thoughts down... even if it doesn’t solve anything.. at least I’ve finally acknowledged that I’m not okay.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Guest_825
    Guest_825 avatar
    2 posts
    10 August 2018 in reply to AgnesMaple

    I’m glad that you could acknowledge that you’re not ok. That’s the first step.

    I can also relate talking to councilors, wanting to talk about the issue that you want to get over. But having to tell the story over and over. It’s brutal.

    Im close to my family.. I have fiends I can talk to. But it’s hard because everyone gets busy with their own lives. And you sometimes feel like you’re intruding with my own sadness. I want you to know that its ok to not feel ok. Everyone keeps telling me to go and exercise.. do the things that I gives me joy. But if I could find the motivation. Don’t they think I wouldve done that already?

    But you’re brave for admitting it. You try to just make it moment by moment. Hour by hour. And so on. Hang in there. You’re not alone. And I hope you feel better soon.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8809 posts
    10 August 2018 in reply to AgnesMaple

    Hi AgnesMaple,

    Welcome tot he community here. To me it is understandable that you feel the way you do with so much heartache, loss and grief happening in your life. The loss of loved ones, the loss of feeling safe about your own life perhaps and the loss of friendships and relationships, the loss of support when you needed it most.

    I can relate to a sense of loss and grief, only in a different way. It took me years to realise I had to deal with the sense of loss, as one loss just compounded into another until I had lost mu own way and given up on anything ever being good in my life.

    I'm wondering if it is possible for you to either google how to deal with loss and grief or to visit a library and borrow a book on it. Recently I have seen books relating to grief through loved ones dying from cancer. You may find reading and understanding about grief to help release some of what you are feeling.

    Finding the motivation to do something helpful and positive is not always easy! I know I have struggled big time to make any kind of forward movement at times, it is important though to keep trying.

    Is there just one thing you could do today to help you feel a little better or even a little different about life?

    Constant pain is horrible as well. Have you asked your Dr if you can be referred to a pain clinic? I have been to an offshoot of a pain clinic recently, the presenters talked a lot about visualisation and mindfulness and breathing techniques. Not sure if you have come across those suggestions in the past.

    Please know you are welcome here, and everyone's issues are relevant.

    Cheers to you from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Hang10
    Hang10 avatar
    96 posts
    10 August 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hey AgnesMaple

    Welcome to the wonderful team of Beyond Blue. Many wonderful people hear that always willing to listern and care.

    You been thru so much, I can see how you feel that the bad luck is your fault but it not Agnes. From what I am reading you a thoughtful and kind person.

    Pain is always hard to manage, likes to make it presences felt. Talking about the past can also brings these pain up as well.

    Hope you find things to ease the pain. Some hobbies, interests. To ease the grey clouds.

    Losing friends is tough I know, it kind of takes the wind out of your sails. But the beauty of this world is that we only a moment away of finding new friends. Lots of good people around that will understand you.

    Try to be kind to yourself. Take each moment as it come.

    All of the Beyond Blue team have great faith in you.

    Take care.

    Hang 10

    1 person found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    12997 posts
    11 August 2018 in reply to AgnesMaple

    Agnes Maple,

    I was so moved by the honesty and emotion in your words. It must be hard to write down all ther loss you have suffered as well as the constant pain you suffer.

    I can see after reading your story, that you feel that there is little another person can say that will help.

    Have you ever gone to a grief support group that is run by trained people who have suffered loss. ? A friend found talking to people who had suffered loss did help her a bit as she did not have to explain why she felt like she did to them.

    I think in our society we often think there is a use by date for grief but we all grieve in different ways .I heard some one say that you don't get over loss or grief but you can get around it. That may not help you but it shows different people approach the grief in different ways and there is no right way.

    A friend of mine whose son died wanted to talk about him all the time, whereas a neighbour did not want to ever mention the child who died again.

    For me concentrating on the person's life and not how they died, and remembering all the great memories helped.

    I am not sure if you have ever kept a journal, you could start a journal of memories , and just jot down random thoughts about your gran and or your friend.

    These are just my thoughts and may not help.

    Please feel free to post here as much as you want to.

    I can't think of anyone I know who would feel ok after being through what you have. You are aware of your emotions and that at the moment you are not ok. Please be kind to yourself and take time to work through your grief.

    Quirky

  6. Terry73
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Terry73 avatar
    157 posts
    11 August 2018 in reply to AgnesMaple

    Hi AgnesMaple,

    Im not sure how this helps, and it may seem a little harsh, but I regardless what I write here, I want you to know that I write this to help you and that I acknowledge your pain.

    I feel you need to put yourself in your grans and bf shoes for a bit and see what they would want, They have passed away (my condolences for that) but I think they would want you to continue on and be happy. To remember them for the good times, and carry on to show the world how beautiful you can be when you are happy.

    In other words, Live on for them, continue to be happy for them since they can no longer feel that way, honor them by being true and happy to yourself, as that is what any loving person would want for someone they care about. Mourn them if you must, but be a life they would feel they helped to create on the way.

    Again, I am sorry if this comes across as harsh, but if it was me the one who died, I would always want people not to mourn me, not to shut down and forever be sad, I would want them to party where they can, enjoy life, find happiness, and follow their dreams, carry one and continue life in a way that makes this world seem more beautiful to be in, to carry on life as I would have.

    I hope this all helps

    Terry

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