...I have this constant feeling like I’m just waiting for another terrible thing to happen. My gran died of brain cancer. Then my bf died of brain cancer two years later. Then my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I now live in an almost constant state of paralysis. Like I’m just unable to step forward because I feel like something else terrible will happen. I don’t know how to not feel this way... when every time people have said “it’s okay, life will get better” ...and I have tried to get back to living, life hasn’t gotten better.
I am also almost in constant pain after some surgery. It’s been 3 years of pain, and multiple specialists. When you’re in pain, with a sense of nothing to look forward to accept more pain... the world looks pretty grim.
To make matters worse, I have very few friends left in Sydney. By few I mean one... and she’s busy. I can go weeks without hearing from anybody. My husband is supportive, but he’s busy... and can’t offer advice or relate. I get the feeling he loves me but simply doesn’t know what to do or say. i guess if I don’t, then why should he.
I honestly don’t expect anyone to say anything that will make me feel better. I guess I just needed to let someone, anyone know... perhaps someone will relate, or has experienced worse than I have and gotten though the other side. I have spoken to counsellor, but to be honest... they always want to discuss the deaths in my life... and considering they were pretty awful to witness, I don’t want to keep going over them.
To anyone who takes the time to read this, thank you... and I’m so sorry for how pessemistic it sounds. I am not okay. I just pinned up photos of everyone who would care if I just ended my life... and it’s not many... it’s not many...
In tears. I know there’s no easy solution... I just needed to at least write my thoughts down... even if it doesn’t solve anything.. at least I’ve finally acknowledged that I’m not okay.