Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Grief and loss / Best friend died, bloody devastated

Topic: Best friend died, bloody devastated

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Dotto
    Dotto avatar
    3 posts
    22 November 2018

    Good afternoon,

    Not sure where to turn so thought I’d post on here. Got a phone call on Monday night to say that my best friend from high school had passed away and that they believe it’s suicide (he left a note and his housemates found him when they got home from work). He lives interstate but we still kept in pretty close contact. He’d seemed pretty quiet over the last few months but I assumed it was just because he was busy with work, and sometimes he’d do volunteer work overseas. Otherwise he seemed perfectly himself and I genuinely thought he was ok.

    I definitely feel like i could’ve done more to help, and if not then I just think I must’ve been a really terrible friend. He was a trusted friend, a massive support to me during some dark times and also just so much fun to hang out with. He was the first person I came out as gay to (I’m from a strict fundamentalist Christian family and so for me to trust him with that was a really big thing for me).

    It feels selfish for saying this but I honestly don’t know how to deal with how I’m feeling about this. I’m struggling to concentrate on anything, sometimes I’m quite teary and other times I just feel nothing at all. I’m struggling to sleep and I honestly just feel like a massive part of my life is permanently changed.

    I don’t feel like I have anyone left to talk to about this. The only person I’m regularly in contact with is a guy at the gym who I workout with, and while I feel like I could trust him with telling him I also don’t want to be a burden on anyone, and it also feels like a weird place to being up this topic.

    Anyway thanks for reading this, not sure anything can be done but I appreciate it.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1615 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to Dotto

    Hi Dotto

    Welcome to the bb forum. Please know that you have arrived at a place of kindness and non-judgemental support.

    I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. I have no doubt that you were a good friend to him. I can tell from your heartfelt words and how important his support was to you that you cared for your friend very much.

    Please know that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this tragedy. Unfortunately your mate made a decision that was beyond your control.

    It's okay to feel sad and cry, that's part of grieving. Everybody grieves differently but I want you to know that it's okay to talk to your friend. Given you didn't get the chance to say goodbye it may bring you some comfort.

    You may also choose to honour him in some way, perhaps plant a tree or plant in your garden as a way to keep him close to you.

    Please feel free to use this thread for as long you need to. There are many people in this community, including me, that understand your saddness and care.

    Kind thoughts to you

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Dotto
    Dotto avatar
    3 posts
    24 November 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Hi Summer Rose,

    Thanks so much for the incredibly kind words. It makes a massive difference to know I'm not alone. I just can't seem to shake the sadness and I honestly wish there was something I could have done to prevent this. I'm re-thinking a bunch of conversations and thinking maybe I could've asked different questions or been more available or something.

    I took your advice and chatted to my friend briefly yesterday. They actually asked me if I was ok, and I was scared so I said yes because I didn't know what else to say. Later on though I sent a message to explain things a little and they were super supportive and said they were always happy to listen if I needed to talk. People are so kind and it feels very undeserved!

    Thanks again, really appreciate your help.

  4. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    13023 posts
    24 November 2018 in reply to Summer Rose

    Dotto,

    The loss of a best friend, especially so suddenly is an incredible shock to you physically and mentally and it will seem unreal for a while.

    It is natural to think about what we could have done better with our friend or loved one, or how we could have supported them and to be honest probably there is not much anyone here can say to that would stop you going through the what if, and why didn't I process.

    With time you will realise that you were a very good friend and there is nothing you could have done to stop the tragedy .

    Summer Rose has given you helpful advice and support.

    You are not alone. The feelings of grief and guilt seem overwhelming.

    It will take time .

    I hope posting here in some small way helps you.

    People are very kind and supportive sometimes we just have to reach out.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1615 posts
    24 November 2018 in reply to Dotto

    Hi Dotto

    I'm so glad that you reached out to speak with a friend and that your friend was kind. Sometimes the universe gives us what we need.

    I lost someone I loved very much through suicide. I can tell you that the questions, the guilt, the replaying of conversations will go on for awhile. I believe it's normal, although very hard to go through. You may also feel angry, fearful, irritable and confused, too. It's all part of the human grieving process.

    It takes time but eventually I reached a point where I realised there was nothing I could have done to prevent the tragedy, and I hope you will get to this place too. Then I chose to remember my Uncle's life, not his death. It was a big comfort to eventually be able to remember him--and what made him remarkable--without the heavy weight of how he died.

    It will get better, my friend. But please look after yourself during this time. Remember to be kind to yourself and do things that you enjoy to balance out the sadness.

    I'm so glad that you reached out here so that Quirky and I could speak with you. Please post anytime.

    Kind thoughts to you

  6. Dotto
    Dotto avatar
    3 posts
    25 November 2018 in reply to Summer Rose
    Thanks so much Summer Rose. I'm deeply sorry for your loss too, and I'm really grateful that you felt able to share your experience with me. I can't thank you and Quirky enough for your help.
  7. Frantic1
    Frantic1 avatar
    37 posts
    4 December 2018 in reply to Dotto
    Ditto I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is such a hard thing to understand but know that there was nothing that you could of done to prevent it. I am sure your friend valued and treasured your friendship, unfortunately he was in a place that he felt he had no other option. All of the things that the others have said are true. You grieve in your own way and time. The raw pain will pass in time but the memories will always be with you. The best way to honour your friend is to live a full and happy life, which is what he would of wanted for you. Spend time with people who love you and understand. Best wishes

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up