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Forums / Grief and loss / Clinical depression and grief

Topic: Clinical depression and grief

17 posts, 0 answered
  1. Asenna
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    7 September 2018

    Hi there peeps.

    Ive written on here a number of times so I thought I’d put down some of my thoughts and possibly someone can tell me what is what.

    2014 rolled around. Wife and I had found a better place. Life was ok. I had some stressors in my life. A failing family business, a struggling marriage and worry about a diagnosis after a check up (year and half before that I was in correctly diagnosed with liver cancer at 40). Hence the worry. All was fine. 2 weeks after that I started to feel more anxious and started questioning certain ailments and feelings that I had. Could it be cancer? As I started to spiral into anxiety, depression kicked in too. Before you know I severely anxious and very depressed. I was so scared I always needed reassurance on a constant basis. That went on for almost a year. My psych told me it was trauma but If I look back on I now I didnt have flashbacks, I didn’t have nightmares and I didn’t think about it. I was just overly anxious desperate and depressed. I knew it would effect my marriage and surely enough my wife left almost exactly a year after my mental illness hit me.

    For the next 3 years I begged, pleaded, got angry, gave her space, push it out of my mind, become obsessed, begged, pleaded. Yet I knew her coming back wouldn’t make me feel better whatsoever. My stupid psych said it will take time. It will get better. What he didn’t understand was my mood disorder. I felt horrible. Sure there were periods where I felt ok but it would always comeback. I wanted her so badly. In reality I needed her. I was sad that she was gone yet I couldn’t make myself better. It’s now been over 3 years since she left and over 4 years since my anxiety and depression hit. I know it’s not gone as I still fight it everyday yet and I’ve thankfully changed psychiatrists.

    These are what are going through my head;

    rumination, deep sadness, anxiety, loneliness, useless, no self esteem, unlovable, feel like a failure, no enthusiasm for life, deep despair about my past with my relationship, no hope, feelings of a lost life, guilt, longing for the past (not her but our relationship, fear of the future, scared, memories of the relationship, not good enough, grief, deep loss, hopelessness.

    i can’t keep living like this and I feel like life is leaving me behind. I cannot see a future or a present and I’m sick and tired of it.

    Are those attributes are apart of depression and grief?

    fab

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    8 September 2018 in reply to Asenna

    Hi Asenna (fab),

    All those emotions and feelings you have mentioned are certainly a part of depression as far as I am concerned. They are all a very real part of your life right now too aren't they?

    You are able to validate how you are feeling and have acknowledged what has helped you reach this point in your life.

    Hopefully you can now take some of these emotions and feelings and work out ways to deal with them.

    Have you tried Googling "How to deal with grief and loss" you may well find some "formulas" that may help you.

    Some people find it helpful to write down how they feel, to write forgiveness letters to yourself and others that you then rip up and destroy after. It helps to get the hurt out and to provide you with greater understanding of how the hurt is manifesting itself with in you.

    Is there even just one thing you can do each day to help you feel better about your life?

    We can not go backwards. We can not change the past. We have to learn to deal with today.

    Today do one thing that you felt unable to do yesterday. Even a small achievement is a huge bonus.

    One day at a time sounds like such a stupid statement, it is what has gotten me through the last few weeks though!

    Maybe now is the time you can start to reinvent who you want to be.

    Cheers from Dools

  3. Asenna
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    8 September 2018 in reply to Doolhof
    Thank you dools for replying to my essay. This grief thing?!?! I’ve cried so much over it. I know she’s is gone. I know that it will never happen again. YET!! I cannot seem to reconcile it. I’ve cried, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve felt the loneliness that entails grief yet a simple trigger of her seeing someone (I knew already and it was behind me but I thought she may have been single again) blew me away. All of the insecurities, the loss as if it was yesterday, the time that has gone, the struggle I’m having with clinical depression (let’s face it, doesn’t make grief easy) made me feel so useless and worthless, full of despair and deep deep sadness. I feel like such a loser. That I wasn’t good enough. That all my happiness that I worked for and felt, all those achievements such as the birth of my wonderful children are all gone and because I’m so unhappy with my life and she is flourishing i feel so inadequate and unlovable. My mind keeps reminding me of a time when it was awesome and wonderful and shit in even measure and it makes the loss so much more intense. The world is passing me by and I don’t have the mental strength nor the desire to engage it because of my loneliness.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Dyland93
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    9 posts
    8 September 2018

    Hi Asenna,

    Im going through a very similar thing to you, Im grieving the one i love, all the feelings you have im having them too, no two situations are ever the same, but i feel like i've lost a part of me, i look back at the times we were happy together, and it tears me apart. i also suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and grieving on top of that feels insurmountable, i cant tell you things to make you feel better but at least i can give you someone to relate too, i feel so alone and its so tolling,

    keep your chin up and keep moving forward thats all you can do

    look forward to hearing back from you

    Kind Regards,

  5. Asenna
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    8 September 2018 in reply to Dyland93
    Hey Dylan, thanks for replying. How long have you been separated? I feel that the clinical depression unfortunately amplifies the grief 2 fold. If it not for the depression and the accompanying anxiety I think we’d feel grief like majority of non mentally ill people. But I do concur that something has died in our hearts and the depression just adds to it. For me my depression had been under control since 97 or so but felt it gingerly over the years from 2010 slowly creep up. It wasn’t till I was incorrectly told I had cancer that I didn’t have that the stress of those words started the ball rolling. On top of an unhappy wife who wasn’t sure that the marriage was good for her (her words), a failing business slowly dying and the stress of the past diagnosis. What tipped me over was another check up for something completely different that pushed me over the edge. My anxiety levels when up to 11, total despair, intense rumination and the inability to deal with it brought on thoughts of failure and hopelessness. My wife thought I should be able to think my way out of it but there is no fight you can win when clinical depression and anxiety hit. That and the fact I leaned on her so much and spoke about to her constantly wore her down and she left. My attention turned to getting her back. Not to lose her but how could I when the depression and the grief was ripping me apart. I was desperate because I needed her and that comfort. Yet I knew even if she came back the depression was still there because of misguided attention from my psyc. My future felt destroyed and I’ve felt utterly lonely since
  6. Asenna
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    9 September 2018 in reply to Dyland93

    What has been recommended to you by your psych if you don’t mind me asking. How long were you together, who initiated it, are there children involved and how long has it been since the separation?

    fab

  7. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    10 September 2018 in reply to Asenna

    Hi Asenna and Dyland,

    Depression, anxiety and grief are a somewhat lethal combination aren't they!

    My unresolved grief stems from a totally different situation than you are experiencing, but it is still intense grief. Just briefly, I have had 5 pregnancies but no live babies.

    My husband and I are still together, living in the house almost separately. My heart aches for the life I was unable to have with live children, with being a family, with having a husband who was there for me in some way.

    I feel it helps to share how you are feeling about your grief, to try to accept it is there and find ways to move on. Certainly not easy things to do at all.

    I need to find ways to feel better about myself. To realise I can not change the past, I can work on today and that might be all I can manage for now.

    It hurts deeply desiring something you can't have, so maybe trying to accept what we do still have is worth an effort.

    I don't know if these words are helping or not. Finding a sense of self is important I feel.

    From Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Asenna
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    10 September 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hey there dools. I’m so sorry to hear about your pregnancies. It must be so hard to deal with and it would bring anyone down. Are you saying your husband wasn’t supportive and still isn’t. He could be going through his own grief and still is. Men are complex creatures. Very mis understood.

    For me was in the way she left and where I was at that time. I was still suffering from depression.......you know what telling it again is futile. It doesn’t change a thing. She left because she wasn’t happy. I blamed myself. I blamed my lack of direction. I blamed myself for my weakness. I blamed myself for not making her happy. I blamed myself being needy. I blamed myself for not being what she wanted. It is why I hurt. It’s why it hurts to know that she is dating. Because whoever she is with, he is not me. That whoever they maybe they will always be better than me and I just cannot seem to reconcile that. She left me because I just wasn’t what she wanted. That is soooo difficult to come to terms with it. I feel so unlovable. I get excited briefly when I meet a new girl to only get close and the memories of my failed relationship rips me apart and just makes me so bloody sad. The loss doesn’t want it leave me. So the new girl sees me cry and sees how broken I am and pulls away. I feel very broken and I don’t know whether it’s my depression that makes me feel this or that’s just me in general. Let me tell you, I get thoughts of them being together or going away together and it makes me ill and Uncomfortable. I seriously thought I was past that but here I am triggered again from an innocent comment from my kids telling me mummy went to Tasmania with a “friend”. 🤷🏻‍♂️

    a

  9. Doolhof
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    11 September 2018 in reply to Asenna

    Hi Asenna,

    Thanks for your kind words. From the beginning I have known my husband has his own way of dealing with our babies. He did not see them in hospital, he did not attend the funerals, he has never spoken their names, looked at their photos or wanted to speak about the losses in any kind of way.

    I have accepted all of that. It is not how I had wanted it, but I realise he has to deal with it all in his own way. I know that trying to talk about it upsets him so I don't.

    When we moved to this house years ago, I asked him to help me plant some rose bushes. He has no idea that to me they are symbols of my love for our children. He helped me and that is all that matters.

    My husband and I both suffer from depression and we have nearly broken up a few times. I am so very sorry that your wife decided to leave when you really needed her to be there for you.

    Depression and mental health issues are difficult to deal with. It is really hard to let someone you love go. Your sense of pain and blame is still so strong and raw. I hope in time (don't you just hate that expression...not sure what other words to use!) you can let go of the sense of blame.

    I blamed myself for years for the deaths of our babies even though the Drs. said there was nothing I could have done to save them.

    Maybe there was nothing you could have done at that time to save your marriage. Your wife made the decision. We have little control over what others do.

    Do you feel confident with the medical people who are assisting you at present?

    It seems to me in your last post that you have been able to express your hurt and feelings very clearly. I certainly find it helps to write things down. Hopefully it is helping you as well.

    This week can you do one thing that will help you to feel better about yourself and your life?

    Wishing you a day where you are able to find some sense of hope! It is there!

    Cheers from Dools

  10. Asenna
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    11 September 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hey dools. Good to hear from you. It’s hard to understand what came first. The chicken or the egg! Is your depression for the both of you accumulated from such significant losses or had it always been there prior to the losses?

    In regards to the blame, I have accepted that I’m not to blame but instead I gave you an idea of what was going through my mind for a while after we separated. Yet as I said, trying to get her back wouldn’t of stopped the sadness. I knew that. I felt that. I wanted her back because I didn’t want to lose the only consistent thing in my life. That companionship. For me the chicken and egg analogy determines what came first. 2014 saw my depression whack me for six. What set it apart from my first breakdown in 97 was 14, I was still on meds so it masked some elements of the depression. That was the part that confused me. My psych at the time said it was trauma yet I wasn’t thinking about that, I didnt have nightmares nor any flashbacks. Only looking back on it, it was my clinical depression ripping through. I became so melancholic, deep sadness. Like a feeling of massive loss. I didnt feel me and that scared me.

    I want to feel happy and put all that has happened to me in the past. I only just acknowledged that by not seeing her or even looking at her, avoiding relics from our past including photos and letters is simply adding to pain. Perhaps I need to sit with them and spend time in it, look at her and not avoid her. BUT, I worry that it will trigger me again.

    My new psych says it’s clinical depression. I have to believe him, yet I didn’t believe the other one. So, yet I remain skeptical.

    Fab

  11. Doolhof
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    11 September 2018 in reply to Asenna

    Hi fab,

    Sometimes confronting what is bothering us the most can be painful, yet healing at the same time.

    One psychologist I saw suggested I wrote letters to my children, in a way that helped. I wrote out heaps of thoughts, feelings, allowed the tears to flow and the grief to be felt. It was beneficial. I felt like I was able to remember with less pain and to work out who I am now and how to move forward.

    If you are concerned of triggers, have a kind of safety plan in place. Think about ways you can help yourself and where you get support if you need it.

    Not taking a sense of blame onboard is healthy. Yes, we all make mistakes and there are things we all could have done differently. We can't go back in time and change things. We need to work with what we have now.

    Regarding my husband and I, looking back, I think we were two broken people before we met each other looking for someone to help us through after both experiencing a rough start to life! It was only years later I discovered he had Asperger's, so in itself that has made our relationship interesting!

    My depression started at a really young age and has just hung around!

    When I was working through some of my grief and loss issues, I found some helpful information on the internet.

    Cheers again, from Dools

  12. Asenna
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    11 September 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi dools.

    I’ve been thinking about looking at the photos and facing the loss. I spent a number of years trying to win her back and never really let all the grief in. The loneliness in life since she left has been the hardest part. Majority of the time I’ve struggled to engage in life again. I don’t think with logic. That isn’t my make up. I’m more reactive, sensitive and full of feelings. I’ve always been that way. My ex was completely full of logic. Very stoic. Hide her feelings and always trying to process her thoughts. I wasn’t that. I think she didn’t like that in me. I was very attached to her. I loved her. Maybe I needed her and she clued in on that. Maybe that put her off. I wasn’t very strong. I am more of an adventurous individual. Sensitive to criticism etc etc.

    Ever since she left I’ve felt the emptiness of loneliness. The sadness, the misery of pain. The longing for what has been lost, never accepting that she just didn’t want me. I couldn’t reconcile that. So I beat myself up for being not enough for her. Life had absolutely no meaning. I was throw into these feelings of desperation and despair and the thought of losing her forever. Hence the desperation. I went into this from a place of deep depression and hopelessness when she left. I was already there before she left. Her leaving added much more pain and despair. I don’t feel life anymore like I once did. I don’t feel at ease and in the moment. I feel so alone in life and all that keeps me going are my children. When they go home to their mothers my home is empty and I just cry. I don’t want to go out and get life. When the sadness dissipates in the evening which it always does I feel like I want to be on my own. It makes it worse knowing she is happy and living the life I couldn’t give her.

  13. Doolhof
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    13 September 2018 in reply to Asenna

    Hi Fab,

    Yesterday I happened to read something about "COMPARISON" and how it will destroy your peace of mind if you continue to compare yourself to others.

    Comparing ourselves to others can make us feel inferior, inadequate, lower our self esteem and this part was interesting to me..keeps us focused on ourselves!

    It makes us believe the "world" is with holding from us what is rightfully ours. That forms discontentment and depression.

    It made me realise how much I do compare myself to others at times and how I wish what others had when it would be more beneficial to work with what I do have and make the most of that.

    Not always easy to do when someone or something you loved has seemingly slipped through your fingers.

    Comparing your life as it is right now to your wife's life is only causing you more pain and heart ache.

    I don't know how you let go, but it is necessary.

    I don't know how you move forward, but that too is necessary.

    How often do you have your children with you if you don't mind me asking?

    Besides the children are there other things in life that you find enjoyment and pleasure in?

    That empty feeling is heart breaking at time isn't it? Can you think of ways you can fill at least a little part of your life with some kind of connection to other people?

    Are you still seeing a psych at all or do you have regular contact with your Dr to help you through this?

    What can you do today to make this day more acceptable to you?

    Cheers from Dools

  14. Asenna
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    16 September 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi dools, I hope you are well and enjoying your weekend.

    Well I have my kids 50% of the time. Half the week. I enjoy their company. My background to major depression/anxiety is a complex one. Before 97, life was ok. I was always out and enjoying life. Enjoyed my friends company and always very active. But I had a lot of stresses in my life and it brought me completely undone. What happened was effectively what you term as a nervous breakdown. It wasn’t a slowly decent into depression where I was sad, lonely and anxious. It came with a small bang. Big panic attack. Hospital etc etc. After that panic attack I noticed my mind turning inwards. I didmt feel right. Anxiety took its grip. I was waiting on my bloodworks and I couldn’t get it out of my mind. At a party I thought my friends were talking about me. Not too long after that I had a massive panic attack. It blew me away. My mind crumbled. I couldn’t think straight, I was convinced I had a brain tumour, something I was so looking forward to, which moving to my own place scared the hell out of me. Anxiety was ripping me apart. I couldn’t sit still. I needed to go for walks. I couldn’t work. It felt like my mind was being squashed in a vice. It was that painful. Then I would wake at 2am and not be able to get back to sleep. This is the best part!! By 5.30/6pm it would lift and I feel like it never happened and it made me feel like I’d turned a corner. Getting to sleep wasn’t a problem, it was getting to stay asleep and not waking. I decided with the insistence of my mum that I should go and see a psych. Christ I was even thinking that bad news on tv was about me. That bad!! I saw him and he said I had endogenous depression with generalised anxiety....I think. Mild though. Go figure. It took 4 weeks for the meds to work but it only pulled me out about 1/2 to 3/4. I never felt the same. I moved out but the connection I had with my friends didn’t feel the same. The connection I had with my fiancé for who was my best friend didn’t exist anymore. I liked to stay home more than not other than work. I became quite cynical. I couldn’t see a future nor be excited by anything anymore. I’ve really never been the same since. 2014 saw it come back once more even though I was on medication since 97. They seemed to not have the same effect as they once had. I lost my wife and family. It wasn’t trauma. It wasn’t ptsd. I let my psych take me on a ride to nowhere. I should of changed. Hindsight is a bitch

  15. Asenna
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    16 September 2018 in reply to Doolhof
    What I have now dools is anyone’s guess. I’m not sure myself. I just live Day to day. I don’t look ahead and if I do I freak out a bit. I lack motivation at the best of times. I don’t feel loveable. I feel I’ve lost myself once more and I don’t have many hobbies that I once loved 21yrs ago. I struggle on days to ride my bike. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I can’t be arsed seeing friends and when the pain goes away at 6pm everyday I just want to relax at home. This is me.
  16. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    17 September 2018 in reply to Asenna

    Hi Asenna,

    I think I sort of understand what you are experiencing. I'm presently feeling quite "stuck" and times and don't know how to move forward. It is becoming too easy to want to do nothing at all and seems complicated and impossible at times to move on.

    Recently I started seeing a different psychologist, through the pain management clinic I attended. He seems to think he can help me so I will see what happens.

    I don't want to be in this state so I am trying to do something about it.

    Each day I try to push myself to do something my mind is telling me is too difficult to achieve.

    This morning I tried to make contact with friends to invite myself to their place for a coffee. They didn't answer their phones. I then decided to go to the local bakery for coffee and gluten free cake. While sitting there I wanted to cry, so I bought a newspaper to read to distract my thoughts.

    My morning didn't go to plan, at least I went out and made an attempt to do something other than stay home and watch T.V.

    Learning to like ourselves more helps. It is not easy though! There is a thread here titled something like "Do you love (or like) yourself. If you are able to locate that, you will see there are lots of people who struggle with this.

    Motivation and determination can be hard to find! Even a little effort is worth it to try and get out of the rut.

    After lunch I am planning to do a little gardening. I will feel pleased with myself for having done this.

    Hope you can find little things that give you a sense of achievement!

    Cheers from Dools

  17. Asenna
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    22 September 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Morning dool, I hope you are enjoying the sunny mild weather.

    So where do I start? Well I’ve seen my psychiatrist once more and he said Ive got severe clinical depression. Trying to find a new combination of medication to sort out the imbalance is going to be a long drawn out process. Yet the one thing that gets me about clinical depression is the thoughts and feelings. I was wondering if you or anyone could help me here. Now I understand the lack of appetite, the disturbed sleep, lack of motivation, the general anxiety, deep moods, despair and hopelessness of it all. But what I don’t understand is the thoughts of my ex wife being with a new partner, that she’s moved on and happy and I’m still miserable over 3 years on. The memories that should be happy times are filled with intense sadness as though I’m there trapped in that memory like I can almost touch it. That despair at the loss of myself and my marriage. It’s all negative negative and heart wrenching. I know that their is the grief element to it. I’m not lost not that. But the torturous thoughts of her being happy and all the time that has past feels sooooo intensely painful. I feel like a failure and that there is no hope left. That the world is passing me by and I cannot engage it nor be a part of it. I don’t know if thats what major depression does to your thoughts and as stupid as this may sound Im hoping it does. Life is just unattainable these days. I don’t want to have these awful thoughts of her being happy with a new guy when she left me because of my depression. The one thing I do know for certain is that by the slimmest of chances she came back, it wouldn’t change my depression one bit. I’d still be depressed

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