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Forums / Grief and loss / Dealing with two different types of loss at an already difficult time

Topic: Dealing with two different types of loss at an already difficult time

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. Fozzie
    Fozzie avatar
    4 posts
    8 January 2018

    Hi everyone,

    I wasn’t sure whether to put this in the depression or relationship forums as it’s a bit of both. I’m currently really not in a good place mentally and emotionally. My motivation to do anything is pretty much non-existent and I’m feeling so lonely. Long story short, my grandma died three months ago, and at that already turbulent time my three and a half year relationship with my girlfriend ended.

    I was already not in a great place before all this happened, I wasn’t happy where I was in life mostly because 1. I’m in a job I no longer get any satisfaction out of, and it feels like my life is going nowhere and 2. I hurt my back really badly a back in June and had to stop lighting weights which is the only exercise I enjoy. Because of this I stupidly started pushing my girlfriend away, and things boiled over shortly after an overseas trip where we felt more like friends than SO’s at times.

    On top of the negative thoughts I already had, I’m so full of regret and guilt that it’s eating me away, both over my relationships with my grandma and my now ex-girlfriend.

    I’m trying to make changes in my life, but it’s really hard to do even the smallest things. I’ve applied to go back to uni to follow my career dream but I didn’t get in for the first round and that hit me hard. I feel like my happiness is tied to whether or not I get in to uni this year. But at the same time even if I do get in I can’t help but compare myself to my peers, many of whom are off getting married and/or are in careers they enjoy. It also really didn’t help that the night I told my parents my girlfriend and I had broken up my dad let slip that my previous ex is now engaged. Meanwhile I’m back single again at 28 and wanting to go back to uni to do another undergraduate degree. I have zero motivation and I’m so tired with life in general. I have a history of melancholic depression and I’m currently seeing my GP and a psychologist, but I feel they’re not helping me as much as they have in the past.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    13023 posts
    8 January 2018 in reply to Fozzie

    Hi Fozzie,

    Welcome to the forum.

    I am sorry for the loss of your grandma and the end of your relationship with your girlfriend.

    You have experienced a lot of of loss in a short time and so are grieving as well as your depression.

    Grief is different for everyone but it takes time. Have you ever seen a grief counsellor? Many of the the symptoms you are describing could be because of the grief and loss you have suffered.

    Comparing yourself to other people is never a good idea. You have a career dream and that is a good thing.

    Does your doctor and psychologist know about your grief and loss?

    Thankyou taking the first step to share your story.

    Quirky.

  3. BballJ
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    BballJ avatar
    2032 posts
    8 January 2018 in reply to Fozzie

    Hi Fozzie,

    Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read what you are going through and also sorry about the loss of your grandma, losing a loved one is never easy.

    Regarding the relationship with your girlfriend, do you regret ending things with her? Or did it feel like you were both just friends on the overseas trip? We learn a lot from heartache and sometimes these pains can really help you grow in the future.

    You say a lot of your happiness pretty much now hinges on getting back into university. What happens if it doesn't come through, is there an option to look for a new job in your current field so you can try and find a way to motivate yourself to get back into the swing of things, the best thing to help a broken heart is keeping your mind occupied I find.

    It may also be time to find another psychologist, one you can start fresh with and maybe get a new perspective on all of this?

    My best for you,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Fozzie
    Fozzie avatar
    4 posts
    9 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thank you for the welcome and your reply.

    I think I could have dealt much more easily with one or the other things happening, but everything happening at once on top of my depression has definitely hit me hard and I'm really struggling, and have been for the last three months.

    I've never seen a grief councillor, honestly I hadn't even thought of that option before. That might be something for me to look into and talk to my GP about, thanks.

    I wish I could stop comparing myself to other people, they're negative thoughts I'd rather not have at all but sometimes I can't help but let them consume me and I end up feeling even worse.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Fozzie
    Fozzie avatar
    4 posts
    9 January 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay,

    Thank you for your reply and the kind words.

    To clarify, my girlfriend broke up with me. Things were probably already heading down that path but neither of us addressed the elephant in the room as we were both comfortable in the relationship and didn't want to rock the boat with an expensive overseas holiday lined up. If it weren't for the overseas trip maybe things could have been brought up and addressed before it was too late, I don't know. The added stress of losing my grandma kind of caused our problems to boil over and it became too much for her. It was the worst possible time for me but I can't really blame her for wanting out under the circumstances. As painful as it is to admit there's a lot I did wrong in the relationship and the thing I regret the most is not being able to fix those problems before it was too late.

    I've had multiple people ask me something along the lines of "do you miss [girlfriend] or do you just miss being in a relationship?" and I don't know. There's a lot I miss about my girlfriend specifically, but I also can't deny being in a relationship was a comfort.

    I honestly don't know what to do if I don't get a uni offer. I have a few backup plans swirling around in my head but nothing concrete or that I've put into action at all. I want to get out of my current field completely. One thing on my bucket list is to live/work in another country for an extended period of time. If I don't get back into uni that seems like a perfect opportunity to do it, but I don't think I currently have the resilience to handle that sort of massive sea-change.

    I might talk to my GP when I see him next about possibly seeing another psychologist or as Quirky suggested, a grief councillor.

  6. BballJ
    Community Champion
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    BballJ avatar
    2032 posts
    9 January 2018 in reply to Fozzie

    Hi Fozzie,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I understand what you're saying about the break up, sometimes we get so comfortable in the relationship and just like the fact someone is there we lose touch with our actual partner and you both get complacent and don't want to bring something up that rocks the boat, I have the same issue with my partner and it all came to a head on the weekend and had a big argument but needed it or else we were on the path to break up. It wasn't easy and there is a lot of work to do but sometimes it is just better to end the relationship at times. I know it all happened at the same time as your grandmothers passing but I think long term all this will make you a stronger person, even though it doesn't feel like it now.

    I like the idea of moving overseas to work or study, getting out of our comfort zones in one hell of a way to learn and get better, you still have to tackle the depression head on but and cannot ignore it. It never goes way just on its own.

    Please do go back and speak to your GP about another psych or a grief counsellor, anything that will give you another platform to talk to someone.

    My best,

    Jay


  7. Fozzie
    Fozzie avatar
    4 posts
    13 January 2018
    Just an update, I found out yesterday that I didn't get in to the uni degree I wanted. Today I met up with with my ex to exchange things we had of each other's; it was the first time seeing her in months. Both of those things combined have left me feeling extremely down.
  8. BballJ
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    BballJ avatar
    2032 posts
    15 January 2018 in reply to Fozzie

    Hi Fozzie,

    Apologies about the delay in-between posts. I am sorry to read that. How has you past couple of days been?

    My best,

    Jay

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