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Forums / Grief and loss / My husband passed away on 16th September

Topic: My husband passed away on 16th September

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Living57
    Living57 avatar
    80 posts
    3 November 2015
    My husband passed away on 16th September, I found him, in our lounge room, collapsed on the floor. I thought that he had fallen and hit his head, but when I moved his arm there was no response, I think I knew he was dead, but called 000 and did cpr and mouth-to-mouth until help arrived. It was awful. Probably the worst thing I have ever experienced. I thank God for my kids (all adults) who were with me as soon as they could. I am grateful for the friends who have rallied around me. It hasnt been long, I realise that, but I am so lonely. I cry so much and when I think I can't cry any more the tears come again. I wander around the house lost. I don't know where to turn. I am seeing my psych more at the moment that ever before. I take my meds, more aware of how much I need them now. But I find coping on a day to day basis so hard. And the anger, it is so intense. I let people see only a part of me, they dont see the loneliness, the hurt and pain, the depression that is worse than ever. I try not to let people in to my empty world, I pretend all is ok and I am getting on with life, when in reality I am not. My step daughters (both adults) want to come and go through their fathers stuff, I have said no, they dont understand that I need to do it in my own time, when I am ready. They tell me I am selfish, but I need time with what I have left of him, and that is just his material possessions. I dont know what is right or wrong with regards his things. We had been together 15 years. It wasnt a lifetime in some peoples lives, but it was our life time. I am scared of being alone and I am scared of how this is affecting my depression and bi=polar. Its funny people always tell me I am a strong person, but I am not. I am not coping and don't know where to turn. The loss is so immense, part of me wishes I was with with him, not that I am suicidal, just lonely and lost. My children tell me to call anytime, but I don't want to burden them. I wonder where I am heading now, what do I do with my days, how do I continue on. He was my world, we did everything together and I am just broken. Have you experienced what I am going through? How did you cope? How did you get through? Life seems so unfair, we had just moved to a new house, we had made plans. So lost, so lonely, so angry, so heart broken, so depressed, so very very sad
  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15549 posts
    3 November 2015 in reply to Living57

    dear Living, I can only say how sorry I feel for you and please my total condolences and sincerity I would like to offer to you.

    When we lose someone who is so special to us, I don't think that words of sympathy will help, although they show support for us, and offer their sorrow for the passing of your husband, so they would like to help you in anyway they can, but normally you might not feel like wanting their help, that's understandable because we can never push our help onto you until you are ready to be helped.

    It's a terrible time for you to have organise everything at a time when you least feel like doing it, and with family who want to assist you, but you may not want their help, but don't feel awful if you say to them that you want to organise everything by yourself, but please remember your family love you and want to help you through this pain.

    I think it would be inappropriate for your step kids to barge you and go through his affairs and belongings, unfortunately this does happen, but I agree with you telling them no.

    Try and open up a little bit to your children, they know you are suffering badly, and realise the absolute agony that you are going to face, because there are many decisions that eventually you will have to make, not immediately, because it's all too confusing, even though it's now November, but time is irreverent and means nothing, but when you do make a decision you have make it yourself, but there is no rush.

    There is more I would like to offer to you, but I think I have said enough at the moment, and again all my sincerity and I truly hope that the next few days, weeks will be good for you. L Geoff. x

     

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    4 November 2015

    Dear Living

     

    Along with Geoff who has written to you, I would like to extend to you my deepest sympathies for the loss of your husband.

     

    This loss you’ve experienced and will continue to experience is so new and it is going to take a long time for you to work through this.

     

    Please don’t be feeling that you should be feeling anything other than the way you are – you’re in the early stages of grieving and so much of what you’ve written, I can relate too.  I’ve lost a brother and both of my parents and it’s hard, it’s tough and yes, it makes you say that life is not fair.

     

    Try to not make any hasty or large decisions at this time as when you’re dealing with grief, sometimes big decisions can be made and it can lead to issues further down the track.  Along those lines, what you have suggested to your two step daughters is completely ok – that it’s just too early for you to begin to sort through his personal effects.

     

    By your mentioning of a psych and also medications, that tells me that you’ve had appointments with your doctor – which is a very good thing and to keep all these appointments happening.

     

    Do you have any close friends (or perhaps your children) who you can lean on and use one of their shoulders to cry on or just to be there in a supporting role?  I do hope you’ve got some close friends/family who are there to help you out at this time.

     

    It was very positive of you to come here and brave of you to share your post.  You’re in our thoughts now and I do hope that you feel ok enough to write back if you need too.

     

    Grief is an awful emotion, but we have to go through it – and as we are all different, grief effects us all in so many different ways.  There is no right or wrong way for you to be acting at this time.

     

    Kind regards

     

    Neil

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Living57
    Living57 avatar
    80 posts
    4 November 2015

    Thank you so much for your kind words, it is appreciated.

    today I am attending a,memorial service for him, it will be the last public good bye. I would rather be any where else.

    I will return home tomorrow, take a deep breath and face another day. 

    The sun may shine, the birds may sing, my heart will ache, but I know he will always walk with me and guide me as I face this strange new life.

  5. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    6 November 2015

    Dear Living

     

    Please know that if you ever feel like unloading, expressing whatever feelings/emotions you may have, then you will be so very welcome always on here.

     

    And that’s not to say that this current thread is over just yet – so if you have other things to mention, we’re here.

     

    I hope the memorial service went as well for you as it possibly could have.

     

    Kind regards

     

    Neil

  6. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15549 posts
    6 November 2015 in reply to Living57
    dear Living, just as Neil has said ' that this current thread is not over just yet', you must know that we are here for you, because you know that it could be a very tough time for you coming up, and most of us have had to experience this ourselves, so please keep in touch, any time any day, we will be here. L Geoff. x
  7. Guest_2350
    Guest_2350 avatar
    585 posts
    6 November 2015 in reply to Living57
    Dear Living,

    as Neil and Geoff, I am so sorry to hear about you losing your husband and I
    send you hugs and my condolences.

    Thankfully I have not been in the same situation, but unfortunately my Mum
    has. After over 25 years of marriage my Dad unexpectedly died in his early 50s.
    Life has never been the same and my Mum struggled significantly. Since his
    death 15 years ago, my brother and me knew she needed professional help, but my
    mum would battle on her own and deny that her physical problems were connected
    to her past and her personal losses. For the last few years my mom has been in
    and out of hospital, both for physical issues, but for a long time due to her
    mental health. She is now doing much better, she has strategies in place and
    also a mental care team monitoring her regularly. She does creative therapy,
    QiGong and also has done mindfulness training... Taking care of her mental
    health has made the biggest difference to her life and how she copes with her
    life without my Dad. I would have just wished that she accepted earlier that
    she needed support in her grieving process.

    It is great that you are seeing your medical team and it is great that you
    are reaching out in this forum. Please continue talking about your loss with
    your docs and also we are here for you on the forum.

    Take care, Yggy x

    1 person found this helpful

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