Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Grief and loss / I've lost Mum and Dad

Topic: I've lost Mum and Dad

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. lee74
    lee74 avatar
    5 posts
    19 February 2016

    Hello,

    Now both  my parents are gone I feel so lonely,  lost and struggling to cope.

    My Dad passed away in 2010, he was in high care nursing home with  Mum (Mum had been in care since 2007) . It wasn't unexpected but still so hard. Dad was scared to leave Mum, he had cared for her for so many years (Mum also suffered with mental illness from her mid 40's). He asked me, the youngest of us 4 kids and the only girl, to look after Mum. This seemed to make it more peaceful for him. He was 76 when he passed away.

    Through looking after Mum for 5 years we had alot of ups and downs. In 2007 she had renal failure, had her last rites read to her, we were told it was her time. She was such a strong willed woman she recovered. At this time she also had suffered 8 strokes which we only found out through a cat scan. She was unable to walk from here on in, although mentally she was wonderful.

    We had some extremely funny times as Mum would just say what was on her mind not caring too much for other people's feeling, also very sad times. But I guess this was Mums way of coping.

    She passed away 7th November last year. She deteriorated over a few months, she was worn out.

    It was so hard to see, I was the only one with her when she passed, daunting but grateful. She also was 76.

    I like to think I did exactly what Dad had asked of me right to the end, he would not have wanted her to be alone.

    This is my first post, hope it's ok. My name is lee and I'm 41yo.

    Thanks for your patience.

    xox

  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15581 posts
    19 February 2016 in reply to lee74
    dear Lee, my sincere condolences to you for the loss of both your parents, who most dearly loved.
    Looking after your mum at home was certainly an honour which would have pleased your dad, because that's what he wanted,
    as he could no longer could be able to do himself, that was his final wish and his final dream, which you had taken on
    board and full-filled his wish.
    I realise that there must have been times when it was difficult for all concerned, but that's what love for a parent
    means to fullfill a dream promised to your father after all the years he cared for he.
    Please can I commend you on everything you did for the love of your parents. Geoff. x
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Elizabeth CP
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Elizabeth CP avatar
    2459 posts
    19 February 2016 in reply to lee74

    Hi Lee, I am sorry for your loss & I really liked Geoff's reply. Grief is a very personal thing so everyone's journey is different & what is helpful to one person is not right for another. I will share some of my experiences in the hope it may help a little. I cared for my mum for 12 years after my dad died. She was physically disabled. I was particularly close to my dad when he died. I certainly missed both of them & still do years later. I tried to focus on the positives. I like to think of both my parents together in the afterlife enjoying each others company & free of the pain, illnesses & disabilities that dogged them in life. I am grateful they died the way they did knowing they were loved & not having their suffering prolonged. Their deaths were a release from their illnesses & disabilities. I like to keep remembering the good times we had together and talk to my children about them so their goodness is passed on through the generations. 

    Keep remembering those funny things your mum said & did & the fact you fulfilled your dad's final wish. 

    The grief & loss will remain but by focusing on the good things re your relationship with your parents you will gain the peace needed to bear it.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    19 February 2016 in reply to lee74
    Dear lee.  As Geoff has already said, may I please add my sincerest condolences to you.  Try to focus on all the great times you shared with two wonderful people.  The values they taught you as you were growing.  The sincere, genuine love they shared together and with you and your siblings.  I hope you and your brothers are able to share your memories of these two people.  When the sadness about losing them builds up (as it will), remember they're together caring for each other, you looked after your mum till she was able to join your dad.  I don't know if you're married or have a family, but if you do, talk about your mum and dad to your partner/children.  Share with them the happy memories you have of growing up, the fun you had as a family.   
    1 person found this helpful
  5. lee74
    lee74 avatar
    5 posts
    19 February 2016
    Hello,
    A big thank you to Geoff, Elizabeth CP and Pipsy for your time and thoughts.
    Firstly I need to correct the fact that I didn't care for Mum at home. She was in an Aged Care (High Care) facility.
    She had been in high care since 2008, before Dad passed.
    I did however collect Mum's washing, look after her finances and provided what she needed. Also bringing her home to my place occasionally for an outing. I did also have to change her facility as the one she was in (where Dad died) closed down, which turned out to be a blessing, Mum was so much happier when she moved, she really liked the new place and it was only 10min away from me.
    I also have 3 older brothers. I was in an 
    abusive relationship for almost 10 years, the father on my 2 children. I called on my brothers a few times for help to get out of violent situations, they did come to my rescue. but I continually went back, (I believed the "SORRY" every time, until things got extremely bad and I finally realized he would end up killing me(I grew up)). So my brothers decided to let me go and have nothing to do with me. I was a lost cause in their eyes.

    Mum always stuck by me, I would call her up at 3 am after I had been belted and she would always answer the phone. Dad didn't talk to me for about a year or so, but he too was there for me and my kids every time. I can't imagine how hard this would have been for them to watch. 
    1 person found this helpful
  6. lee74
    lee74 avatar
    5 posts
    19 February 2016
    However I was able to apologize to Dad and Mum for what I put them through.As the family was divided, I was unable to attend many Christmases and other occasions, but when the brothers weren't around I had my time. I spent alot of time with them escaping for a few weeks, but then returning. I finally let for good in 2002. I was extremely scared but had to do it for my kids. (He passed away in 2005 from a drug overdose, the bit that saddened me was the fact that my kids didn't have a Father any more. but it was also a huge relief, we didn't have to be scared all the time, he burnt my car and was always threatening he was coming to get me).I thought when Mum was passing the brothers and I became a lot closer, however they weren't happy with Dad's decision to take care of Mum, I was told they didn't trust me. Turns out they were wrong they all got their share that was theirs. And all Mum's expenses have been paid.On the day Mum passed I was alone with her. I was soo upset, didn't know what to do. It unfortunately took me 45 min to notify any of them, again in their eyes I messed up and was yelled at by them for the time delay.I haven't heard from any of them since Mum's funeral. This hurts too, but I always knew it would be this way once our parents died, I guess I'm faced now with having no family. I know they clearly want nothing to do with me, and I also won't contact them, I'm a bit stubborn that way and would just rather leave them be.Thank you and sorry if I rambled, a lot to explain.
    xox
    1 person found this helpful
  7. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11265 posts
    19 February 2016 in reply to pipsy

    Dear Lee..As Pipsy & Geoff already said...I offer my sincere condolences to you for the loss of your dad and more recently the loss of your dad.

    I cant even begin to fathom or even understand what you and your 3 brothers have gone through. I have read your post thoroughly Lee. Both of your parents passed at 76...I have no words....

    Both of my parents are still with us and in their mid '80s...I cant offer very much here Lee..

    You have done your dad proud Lee...He knows how well you have done...

    Your first post was beautiful Lee....

    I hope you can be back on here Lee...Many people can benefit from your post and what you have gone through...including me..my mum is 86 and her health is failing..

    Be kind to yourself lee...x

    Paul

     

    1 person found this helpful
  8. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15581 posts
    20 February 2016 in reply to lee74
    dear Lee, I can sympathise with you and what happened with and how your husband treated you, as it's always despicable how
    these guys believe that have total control over the lady they marry, changing from being a loving person and then turning
    into a monster, and it's something which no one knows until you are married.
    When someone we love passes away there maybe no indication or warning that her time was near, so you weren't able to contact
    any of your brothers because you were unsure, and unfortunately when she did go, it would have only put you into shock, not
    knowing what to do, as I also felt this way when all the family were around Mum's bed when she died, who was going to make a
    decision on what to do, who do we ring, but the nursing home then took over and handled it all.
    What you did was what you thought was the responsible thing to do, and people could questioned all of this, but how do you
    know if they were in the same situation they would take the right action, well you don't.
    You have your own life to live now to offer all your very best for your children, but remember life can be hard with many
    ups and downs, hard decisions to make and sometimes we all make the wrong decision, but there is light eventually. Geoff. x
    1 person found this helpful
  9. fluffyduck
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    fluffyduck avatar
    1 posts
    20 February 2016 in reply to lee74

    Hello lee, I understand about how you feel because I also lost my dad in 2010 . i know how it feels to be all alone in a world full of people. i just would like to say to you that the more you talk to others about how you feel and never bottling it up is far more mentally heathy for you than you think. a lot of people say it gets a little bit more easy every day and in a way it does but never feel that's its not ok to cry because its ok to miss someone you loved very much. cheer up sweet and just remember you have the rest of your family and friends who care about you. take care.xo

     

    1 person found this helpful
  10. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    20 February 2016 in reply to lee74

    Dear lee.  I really feel for you, what you have been through defies everything.  Geoff is right when he says that losing someone close i.e  parent/partner/children, your mind goes into 'blank' mode.  Especially if you were the last person with them.  When I lost my mum (she was in N.Z, I was here), I went to 'view' her before the funeral.  I felt, personally, if I had this time with her, it would help.  My first reaction on seeing her after so many years of estrangement, that's not my mother.  It was also a form of denial.  This could also have been part of your initial shock on losing your mum.  You knew it was going to happen, but like Geoff said, no-one knows 'when'.  It takes time to accept when we lose someone, in that 45 minutes (which, by the way isn't that long), you had to compose yourself, figure out what to say, prepare for questions which you couldn't answer.  I feel your brothers were totally out of line and unacceptable with their treatment of you at that sad time.  Anger, resentment, betrayal and possibly guilt would've triggered their response to what happened.  It was easier to blame you than admit they should've put differences aside.  Have you considered getting some grief counselling to help you with all you're dealing with.  You've had a Hell of a lot to contend with losing parents, siblings behaviour, ex hubby with his carry-on.  Also dealing with your own kids anger over their dad.  That's a huge package you're carrying, I would consider getting some help to get you through so you can rebuild your life.  You are entitled to some happiness, you deserve a decent life.       

    Take care of yourself, learn to love yourself.  You are a kind, loving, thoughtful person. 

    1 person found this helpful
  11. lee74
    lee74 avatar
    5 posts
    23 February 2016

    Hello,

    Firstly thanks so much to everyone for your kind words and your time.

    I have tried to seek a Grief Counselor, so far I've seen 3, and haven't had a connection with any of them, they just don't seem to understand.

    However I'm not giving up, I've been doing alot of internet searching, see how I go.

    A few people have now said to me "Now it's time for Lee", this seems to be alot harder than it seems, when I was abused for 9 1/2 years I think I lost myself, now I don't know who I am or what I like to do, it's almost like my spirit got lost during this time.

    After this period I had my parents who needed my support and I guess that kept me occupied. now I have nothing accept for myself and my kids, I do what's needed for my kids and then I just feel so lost and lonely.

    I do feel like I'm going crazy at times. I went to the Cemetery today to visit Mum and Dad, I had a big cry and asked them for some guidance. It does seem to make me feel a bit less distressed for a day or two.

    I just wish I could stop thinking... 

    The grief councellor I have been seeing told me to forget about what I went through with my ex, I can tell you this is easier said than done, he tore me apart and I think this could be what I need to sort out first within my mind before I can start on anything else.

    I have completely lost my appetite since Mum passed, I don't totally believe it's totally to do with Mum, I think it's all catching up, when I was with my ex he always called me fat, I wasn't allowed to eat certain foods, I weighed roughly 65kg when I was with him, and he would say look at you, you 300 pound pig, and would throw my food I'd cooked out to the dog. These things don't go away once you've had it drummed into your head for 9 years.

    I really don't know maybe I'm over thinking things and I should just get over all the crap.

    Any advice would be so much appreciated, I really feel all over the place at the moment. All I want to do is sleep/ do nothing. I'm worried about my eating (I'm only eating maybe 2 times a week) but I can't seem do change this without an appetite.

    Thanks for your time.

    xox

  12. Lost Girl
    Lost Girl  avatar
    2696 posts
    23 February 2016 in reply to lee74

    Hi Lee,

    I am so sorry for your losses. I am new to this forum too and while I am here for a different reason I hope my experience with my parents may help you.

    I am the same age as you and lost my Dad to cancer when I was 21. My Mum was diagnosed with cancer 8 years later. I had moved interstate with my husband but went home and cared for Mum in the family home. She was meant to have 3 months but fought hard and 18 months later passed away. I have an older brother and lots of aunts, uncles etc but I was very much alone in caring for her.  Your story reminded me warmly of my Mum towards the end as she too would say things somewhat inappropriately but very funny due to secondary cancers in her brain. I was also the only one with her when she passed and it was heart wrenching.

    I think the thing that hit me the most afterwards was that space and emptiness where I couldn't visit or call and having spent so long looking after Mum it was hard to move on. 

    What helped me was writing everything down. I would write poetry or just a journal of how I felt as everyone else was so busy trying to cheer me up I felt I couldn't be sad.

    It also helped me to start a list of things I had always wanted to do and also things that would normally make me happy. 

    It does get easier but I still have days here and there when something triggers a special memory and I have a little cry. It is different now though. Sad but not the heart wrenching feeling it once was. 

    It takes time to fill your life again with different things, don't rush. I hope this helps.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    23 February 2016 in reply to lee74

    Hi Lee.  Oh dear, you do seem to have struck a rough patch.  You are grieving for parents, lost relationship with brothers.  Possibly also lost relationship with ex.  Even though ex abused you, he was a big part of your life for 10 years, that's a long time.  I suppose you were the one to tell your kids he'd passed away too.  You've had one upheaval after another, with no time in between for you.  Going to the cemetery would've been a bit difficult too as you don't want m/d to know about what's happened with your brothers.  Eating is a form of 'comfort', but each mouthful you take, you can 'hear' ex deriding you.  It might help if you could somehow find the strength to tell ex to 'get lost' when you're trying to eat.  You don't have to say it out loud if that makes you feel uncomfortable, remember, he can't hurt you, no matter how hard he tries.  Maybe write down what you want to say to him.  Work on overcoming his negative power first.  To find yourself, first of all you have to be comfortable where you are in your life.  Step one: eating without guilt.  As I said, this involves telling ex to 'get lost', don't be scared, remember, he can't hurt you.  Each time you tell him to go away, you will start to regain a bit more power.  This will take time, there's no hurry.  You're now in charge, enjoy your power and freedom.  We'll work together if you like, I'll try and talk you through the negative problems with your siblings and children.

    I'm not trying to push you, I've been through losing parents and siblings and ex, so I do understand more than you think.  My first hubby died by suicide.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. lee74
    lee74 avatar
    5 posts
    3 March 2016 in reply to pipsy

    Hello Pipsy,

    Thanks so much for your kind words and understanding. 

    I;m so unsure of what exactly is bothering me the most. 91/2 years of all kinds of abuse. The humiliation of accepting the way he treated me, and allowing it.  (I don't think about him daily, I have pushed the badness to the back of my mind but every now and then a horrible memory comes back, and I'll have a cry and try understand it I guess.)

    Perhaps it''s an accumulation of everything. Now with Dad and Mum both gone it's just so damn hard.

    I  do feel overwhelmed.

    However I do have an amazing partner who has been by my side for 10 years now, he is so loving and caring and understanding. I do talk alot of my thoughts with him and he does talk me through them and somehow makes me feel at ease with my emotions. Mum and Dad are spoken of most days I'll hear something and it will remind me of them and I do share these memories with my partner and my kids. 

    Also, yes I did have to tell the kids of their Fathers death. My son was 9 (now 20) and my daughter was 4 (now almost 15). I found out around 5am, I had no idea how to tell them, nor was I able to understand how I was supposed to feel as I have said I was relieved but deeply sad for my kids. I didn't say anything to them about it in the morning just got ready for school and kinder as usual (kind of). I made a heap of phone calls to different agencies to get advice on how to tell them. There was just no easy way. When they where both home that afternoon I sat them down said I have some bad news, "Your Dad died this morning" they both burst into tears. This would have to have been one of the most challenging things I;ve had to do in my life. Aside from Mum and Dad of coarse, but each situation had their own individualizes.

    I'm still trying to  find a good Psychologist, I guess it's hard for them when I seem to have so many layers or saddness.

    Again thanks so much for your kind words, but also please don't hesitate to tell me I'm taking things too far please.

    XOX

  15. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    3 March 2016 in reply to lee74

    Dear lee.  I'm so pleased you wrote back, I've been worried how you were coping.  Great to hear also you have a good partner.  It sounds as though you're doing fine.  You seem to realize you have to take it one day at a time, I know how trite that sounds, but it's so true.  Have you discussed with your Dr about finding a psychologist.  If you have a good repore with your Dr, he would be the one to discuss with.  As far as the memories (good and bad), this will continue to happen as we can't completely wipe out all the bad stuff.  It's good, though, that you recognize the memories are just that, memories.  I still have bad memories about my parents, (dad was an alcoholic, not violent, but nasty, mum was that wrapped up in herself, she had little time for me).  Everytime I go into a club (not often now) I still see my dad 'propping' up the bar.  It doesn't hurt anymore as I usually ignore the bad 'vision' and concentrate on something good.  When you say your former hubby ill treated you with your permission, that's not quite true.  He didn't have your permission, he brainwashed you into believing he was right, you were wrong.  Battered wives always feel it's somehow their 'fault'.  It's never okay to abuse a partner.  Battered wives will make every excuse known to man for the beatings, abuse.  They are brainwashed into believing it's their fault. 

    Hopefully you'll be able to find a psychologist who will be able to bring out the beautiful, caring person that's there.  Everything you've been through makes it harder for you to now relax and enjoy being 'you'.  You've lost yourself with all you've been through.  If you are still having trouble finding a psychologist to 'connect,' perhaps if you phone BB, one of our trained counsellors can help steer you in the right direction.     

    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up