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Forums / Grief and loss / I lost my wife to suicide 6 weeks ago.

Topic: I lost my wife to suicide 6 weeks ago.

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. Restless Native
    Restless Native avatar
    4 posts
    15 November 2021

    Hello everyone,

    I'm not normally the type of person who posts in forums, or talks about my emotions, but my friends felt that I should reach out for some support.

    My wife, whom I was with for 22 years took her own life, and to make matters worse, I also found her. The frustrating thing is that although my wife had a history of depression, there were no signs that things were headed this way. Her friends and family also had no indication. There were no notes left, no letters to the kids, nothing. She seemed to be very positive about life, she loved Christmas, my daughters 18th birthday was close, she was organising things, and getting excited, for my upcoming 50th birthday, and she was due to start a new job 2 weeks later. It makes absolutely no sense.

    I have an 18 year old daughter (she turned 18, 2 weeks after my wife passed) who is absolutely devastated. Her mum was her best friend and she feels lost. She cries every day and cries herself to sleep most nights. She has also had the added stress of exams, which are now thankfully finished. My son is 15 and is showing little to no emotion. He has had the odd tear, but nothing much and that worries me. We have regular 'check in' chats but he just says he ok. My friends and family have offered to be there if he wants to chat, but he says he'd rather chat to me, if he needs to, which he doesn't feel that he does.

    I just feel numb and empty. I don't sleep particularly well but when I do sleep, I often wake up soaking in sweat. I have gone back to work, although I'm working from home at the moment, more for a financial need. My manager has been really supportive but I feel as if I'm letting work down as I find it hard to concentrate, I can't retain information, and I often find myself just staring into space, not knowing how long I've been doing it for. I'm not sure how long my work will put up with me like this, and I guess that also adds to my stress.

    Anyway, I'm not sure what to expect from this forum, but it feels good to get a little off my chest.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. HappyHelper88
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    HappyHelper88 avatar
    115 posts
    15 November 2021 in reply to Restless Native

    Hello i want to respond to you but I don't know what to say.......I'll start with I'm So Sorry I cant imagine how you are feeling.

    Im glad you have reached out, sometimes there is no signs even though I'm sure we wish there was a sign so we could have been able to stop it
    It definitely does seem out of the blue as there was no indication but she may have been suffering inside we all have our own demons to battle

    I cant imagine how your daughter is feeling especially as an 18th birthday is usually a time to celebrate :(

    I have noticed from my experience that everyone shows emotion and grief differently some people don't seem sad but seem numb from the pain, I think he is not ready to talk but he will eventually

    I think going back to work can keep you preoccupied from your own thoughts, Dont be so hard on yourself your doing your best

    Also wanted to add that one of my good friends took her own life in September, so I know it is different to losing a partner but I can still relate to how your feeling, it gets easier with time

    There is always support here for you but I would also like to suggest that you and your kids see someone when your ready to talk about what happened, its part of healing.
    Also if you ever need to talk you can call the Beyond blue support service 24/7 on 1300 22 4636

    Stay strong for your kids and my thoughts are with you

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5953 posts
    15 November 2021 in reply to Restless Native
    Hi RestlessNative,

    Thank you for sharing this. We are incredibly sorry for your loss. We hope there is some comfort in the kind words of people like HappyHelper. As thier lovely response shows, this community is here for you.

    It sounds like you're an incredibly supportive parent, and we can hear how much you care for your daughter and your son. At the same time, it’s important to remember that you need support too through this. Our lovely friends at Griefline are available 6am-midnight AEDT every day on 1300 845 745. They offer confidential counselling support, free of charge, to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. One of the friendly counsellors will be able to offer you some support but can also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you might find beneficial.

    Please also know that the lovely counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service are always available to talk through these feelings on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 11am-midnight AEDT.

    I’m sure we’ll hear more from the lovely community here soon, but in the meantime, here’s some things it might be useful to have a look at: We hope that you find some comfort here, and please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready. This community is here for you, anytime.

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Restless Native
    Restless Native avatar
    4 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to HappyHelper88

    Hi Happy Helper. Thank you so much for your kind words.

    I'm glad to hear that things get easier with time. I have read other posts saying that they still feel the same grief after x amount of years, and it frightens me. I don't think I could cope with feeling like this, long term.

    I will definitely reach out for professional help for myself and kids when we all feel ready for it.

    I'm sorry for your loss of your good friend :-(

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Restless Native
    Restless Native avatar
    4 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie. Thanks for taking the time to respond and for your very kind words.

    I appreciate the link to the resources and will have a look at them.

    It's reassuring to know that people who are essentially strangers, can be so kind and compassionate.

    Thank you.

  6. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Restless Native
    So sad to hear of the loss of your wife. If it helps to post on the forums please write. If you need to talk to someone please do that. While this may be a virtual space, we will do what we can support you, sitting beside you virtually, listening to your story. Peace to you.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Growing Violet
    Growing Violet avatar
    3 posts
    18 November 2021

    Dear Restless Native,

    Thank you for sharing your loss and pain. I am so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through ❤.

    Your experiences including difficulty sleeping are completely normal in these circumstances. It is a huge ordeal and shock. Time will help settle these symptoms.

    Try and take it day by day and be gentle on yourself – as hard as it is. I'm glad your Manager is understanding. In these situations, they ought to be.

    You are an amazing Dad 💞.

    Love and light,

    Growing Violet.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15319 posts
    19 November 2021 in reply to Restless Native

    Hello Restless Native, the shock and devastation from this traumatic incident must have been such a surprise for all the family, not ever expecting something like this to happen and the trouble is we never ever know what's going through someone we love mind.

    The worst part is why can they and how do they conceal it from those they love and that's the most upsetting part we can't come to grips with, and I am deeply so sorry.

    The sadness from your daughter must be awful and may find help in talking to someone from Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online who are trained counsellors and adapt to the person asking for help.

    Your son who is unable to express his sorrow is completely understandable but it may be frightening to know why, but he may be locked into not knowing how to express himself and to whom, so another suggestion is HeadSpace 1800 650 890 because with all of his silence and finding it to know how to relay it to someone, can I please suggest he finds something suitable.

    Talking to your children is going to be a difficult chore for you and you will need help for yourself knowing how to do this, I am so truly sorry for you.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. second time
    second time avatar
    6 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Restless Native

    I am so sorry for your loss, big hugs to you. My Brother recently committed suicide a little under a month ago.

    I have just joined this forum/site as I thought there was a forum for suicide loss survivors... But cant seem to find it but luckily found your Post. You can check out Standby Support, I just recommended it my sister in law for my niece-13 and nephew 11. It is well written booklet for teens to explore there feelings. They also have free online counseling specific to suicide loss for anybody effected by suicide. They have links to kidslifeline and other things too.

    Also I have joined the  forum on Alliance of Hope a couple of days ago it is worldwide and is solely for suicide loss survivors.

    It has been invaluable to me so far. It is such a specific loss suicide that a whole forum of people with lived experience helps hold each other.

    It is my second Suicide my father also committed suicide when I was around 9-10 My Brother was around 12-13, Our mother had M.S. and was bedridden, and died when I was 13 my brother 16.

    I think it is important that kids develop tools to process and express the trauma and pain, I did myself it took many years as counseling and forums etc was not available or put on our path. I don't think my brother never did he buried his pain and self medicated on alcohol and I think that pain bubbled and grew until he could no longer handle it.

    Having somebody suicide is completely gut wrenching I feel like I have been hit by a train in my heart and head and body.

     

  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5953 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to second time
    Hi  second time,

    We are so sorry for your loss, experiencing this must have been incredibly hard.  You sound like a very resilient person. Thank you for sharing what you found helpful with other users. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Griefline 1300 845 745 if you need any further support tonight.
  11. Restless Native
    Restless Native avatar
    4 posts
    24 November 2021 in reply to second time

    Hi second time. Thank you for responding to my message. My sincere condolences for your recent loss and for the losses in your past; my heart goes out to you. You must be an extremely strong individual to have come through your experiences.

    I'm still searching for something/someone that my kids will engage with. They are very reluctant to talk to anyone they don't know but I'll keep persevering with them.I did discuss booklets with them but they weren't keen.

    I'll have a look at Alliance of Hope, it sounds very helpful.

    As you say, a loss to suicide is so unique that I think it takes others with similar experiences to fully understand. It's such a difficult thing to comprehend unless you have gone through it.

    If I can give you just a small glimmer of hope, it's been 7 weeks for me and I now have days where the pain doesn't torture me for the whole day. My sleep has improved, albeit slightly, although I still feel constantly tired. I am also able to concentrate a bit better on work, although I'm nowhere near back to full activity. I just hope that you can get some relief in the coming weeks. Please take care of yourself.

  12. second time
    second time avatar
    6 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to Restless Native

    Thanks for your response, I can only imagine what it feels like to lose your Partner (wife), and have to deal with the emotional impact of your two children. Its what my sister in-law is going through.

    I guess from what I have read it is best not to push particular your 15 year old into therapy.

    However at that age I feel most children at that age do not have the emotional strength or inner tools to deal with the feelings, and there is a danger in it being turned into a self destructive/medicated behavior as did my brother, when the trauma of our mothers death compounded in him just before his 16th birthday.

    Mind you we were around a lot of alcohol influence in the country we grew up in, and the football culture at the time was also geared towards drinking.

    Counseling was suggested to us but we were a poor household and we felt like it was going to cost a lot of money, it was not really gently pushed or re-approached with us. I think we also didn't quiet get what it was, and thought whats the point...and didn't really feel like talking to anyone as we didn't know how.

    That booklet I mentioned could be a good one to print and just leave with him. It may just prompt him to ask or answer some of the questions by himself, he may also not want to burden you and add weight to your grief.

    I guess the impacts of Suicide and the death of a parent at that age is such a personalized situation that there is no one fit all.

    What I (or my brother) didn't have was somebody I and my brother felt like I could talk to, or the gentle space then suggestion and nudge towards doing it.

    I feel that my nephew has that, at least an adult (Male) that he can talk to, even though he hasn't much there has been the odd txt. Even the txt here and there letting him know I am thinking of him helps I think.

    The Alliance of hope (i use the same name) will have some wisdom from people who have been in a similar situation to you and what helped. It is a bit easier and quicker to use in some ways also.

    For me (and likely you) even a msg like this helps us feel we can hold each other up in such a daunting time.

    And yes if we process and express and transform it we can turn it into a beautiful strength and character that spreads joy and wisdom around us.

    Stay strong.

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