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Forums / Grief and loss / My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

Topic: My grandpa died this morning & I need to rant

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. My-life-is-a-constant-Mess
    My-life-is-a-constant-Mess avatar
    12 posts
    15 March 2018

    So my grandpa died this morning and I need to rant. Ok so a bit of backstory, I was really close to my grandpa he was like my parent as a kid when my parents divorced I lived with them for years and he and my nana live next door so I see them everyday, he was my favourite relative. He was diagnosed with skin cancer about 5 months ago and he was in a lot of pain and was in hospital for a while but he was slowly getting better but then they found out he had cancer in his lymph system that it was aggressive and was incurable that was less than 3 months ago. He was really depressed and lost 50kg in a month and has been in and out of hospital and in pain and he has been really mean, grumpy and depressed for a few months. Last week he got pneumonia and went into hospital and has been there since and he just wanted to die so he wouldn't let the doctors treat the pneumonia so they just kept him comfortable.

    I have been really detached and unfeeling since we found out he was sick and I was fine I didn't feel anything unlike the rest of my family who have been sad and worried. I went to see him last night and he was unresponsive so we just sat there and the others were talking to him but I didn't because it made me uncomfortable and didn't know what to say or do. My parents told me he died this morning and I just went oh ok and went back to sleep and was fine all day I studied did a test and went to uni all fine and I haven't cried until I wrote this & IDK why? maybe because he hasn't been himself since and it feels like he was already gone, maybe its because I'm mad at him for not letting them treat him, maybe something is wrong with me idk, I'm ok and then I remember I'll never see him again I didn't even go see the body I just went back to bed. I hate showing feeling in front of people especially family so I will never cry in front of them or tell them how I feel.

    Sorry about the rant I don't really know what the point is.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    16 March 2018 in reply to My-life-is-a-constant-Mess

    Hi and welcome mliacm;

    You've answered your own question hun; you just needed to talk. We all do now and then - let the pain and confusion out and give it a voice. That's how it works and you've done famously.

    It seems to me your grief began a long time ago when your grandpa started getting sick. When we're young we don't have experience with grief or the prospect of losing a loved one so close to our hearts.

    Sometimes, our emotions will turn off to save us from enormous emotional pain. It happens like this because our brains know exactly what we can take or not. Feeling nothing's a result of this. It's a normal brain chemical response.

    Gradually you'll begin to 'feel' something unless you purposely avoid it. When I was 15 my nanna died. I cried deeply for a long time, but could never say her name without falling to pieces.

    I didn't face my true feelings about that until I was in my 30's. I was so angry with her for leaving me alone with my hostile parents. But, the 'shame' of feeling that way kept me from dealing with it. It had gone so deep into my psyche, I'd forgotten. But my body/mind knew it was there which caused my inability to talk about her.

    What I did, was write her a letter. (in my own hand) It was awkward to begin with; you know, "Hope you're ok, what's it like there?" sort of stuff. But then the truth started to flow from my hand. Eventually I was ripping pages with the pen as if it were a knife!

    I was so angry with her! That anger's absolutely appropriate considering our circumstances. She was my light, my love and my safety; she was my all...

    She left me alone and I hated her for it. Once the words and yes screaming, came out of me, a shift occurred. I could say her name and talk about her without feeling emotional. I got out the poison that was keeping me down.

    Honesty's the best policy when it comes to grief. When you're ready, and that could be months or yrs from now, sit quietly alone in a safe environment and talk with him. Tell him your innermost thoughts and pain. Cry, yell or feel whatever it is that's necessary to get it out. Write if you want, just talk to him.

    I hope I've helped hun. It's a very personal journey...you can vent here anytime you want ok.

    Kind thoughts;

    Sez

    1 person found this helpful

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