This is my very first post here. I decided to come here, because i feel so lost right now. I literally feel numb, i cry all the time, i can't sleep properly.
A little about my background: I was diagnosed with severe depression in November 2010, and was on medication. I felt fine, and i believe that it was really helping me to recover. However, i found out that i was pregnant in Feb 2011. I had to stop my anti-d's due to high risk of heart defects in the baby. So i stopped, and i managed to cope somehow.
After she was born, i was fine. Fast forward to 2013, we became pregnant with our second. My world came crashing down when our 12 week test came back as positive for trisomy 21 (downs). We decided not to terminate, and we waited until our baby was born. She was born without trisomy 21.
It's now 2016, and we decided to start trying for our 3rd baby in late 2015. We fell pregnant in march 2016, and had all the usual tests. All was good. I had my first scan on April the 1st, and they discovered a molar pregnancy. I had a d&c on April the 4th, and I've been having weekly blood tests since then to measure my beta hcg levels. They found a 12 week old baby when the d&c was performed, we thought we were only 7 weeks along; so we decided to cremate the baby.
With a molar pregnancy, you need to have regular tests to make sure the hcg levels are coming down. If not, it can be a sign of retained tissue, persistent gestational trophoblastic disease (which needs chemo) or choriocarcinoma (Spreads to the lungs, and other organs. also needs chemo)
So not only had we lost our baby, we found out that our baby was older; and we also had a risk of developing cancer. Losing your baby is bad enough, let alone finding out that you may have cancer.
My levels were dropping like they were meant to, until may the 1st. From 979 they jumped to 2800, on may the 9th they jumped to 8,000. I'm devastated, i just want to feel better again; be better again. I feel like with everything that has been going on, I've not had a chance to grieve properly.
I feel angry. Angry that the d&c was done blindly (not with ultrasound, due to not being "cost effective"), upset that i'll probably have to go in for surgery again. Frustrated with my body. I can't look at a baby, or be around one without getting upset. I don't want to go to family events, because people in the family are trying for babies. It's like a slap in the face, a reminder of what i lost.