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Forums / Grief and loss / Pregnancy loss & Possibility of cancer.

Topic: Pregnancy loss & Possibility of cancer.

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Autumn_Leaves
    Autumn_Leaves avatar
    1 posts
    11 May 2016
    Hi everyone,

    This is my very first post here. I decided to come here, because i feel so lost right now. I literally feel numb, i cry all the time, i can't sleep properly.

    A little about my background: I was diagnosed with severe depression in November 2010, and was on medication. I felt fine, and i believe that it was really helping me to recover. However, i found out that i was pregnant in Feb 2011. I had to stop my anti-d's due to high risk of heart defects in the baby. So i stopped, and i managed to cope somehow.

    After she was born, i was fine. Fast forward to 2013, we became pregnant with our second. My world came crashing down when our 12 week test came back as positive for trisomy 21 (downs). We decided not to terminate, and we waited until our baby was born. She was born without trisomy 21.

    It's now 2016, and we decided to start trying for our 3rd baby in late 2015. We fell pregnant in march 2016, and had all the usual tests. All was good. I had my first scan on April the 1st, and they discovered a molar pregnancy. I had a d&c on April the 4th, and I've been having weekly blood tests since then to measure my beta hcg levels. They found a 12 week old baby when the d&c was performed, we thought we were only 7 weeks along; so we decided to cremate the baby.

    With a molar pregnancy, you need to have regular tests to make sure the hcg levels are coming down. If not, it can be a sign of retained tissue, persistent gestational trophoblastic disease (which needs chemo) or choriocarcinoma (Spreads to the lungs, and other organs. also needs chemo)

    So not only had we lost our baby, we found out that our baby was older; and we also had a risk of developing cancer. Losing your baby is bad enough, let alone finding out that you may have cancer.

    My levels were dropping like they were meant to, until may the 1st. From 979 they jumped to 2800, on may the 9th they jumped to 8,000. I'm devastated, i just want to feel better again; be better again. I feel like with everything that has been going on, I've not had a chance to grieve properly.

    I feel angry. Angry that the d&c was done blindly (not with ultrasound, due to not being "cost effective"), upset that i'll probably have to go in for surgery again. Frustrated with my body. I can't look at a baby, or be around one without getting upset. I don't want to go to family events, because people in the family are trying for babies. It's like a slap in the face, a reminder of what i lost.
  2. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8809 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to Autumn_Leaves

    Dear Autumn Leaves,

    My heart goes out to you. I do not understand a lot of the medical information you have written here but I do understand the loss of a precious baby.

    My history in a nut shell goes like this: 2 miscarriages then 2 babies stillborn at 20 weeks and 21 weeks resulting in funerals. The my last pregnancy was terminated at 12 weeks due to the baby having died but the miscarriage process not yet starting.

    Soon after, my husband had testicular cancer, so no more pregnancies. We do not have live children.

    I understand the sense of grief and loss, of not wanting to be around people who are pregnant or who have babies. The problem is, life keeps happening. Even though you may desire that the world stop so you can get a grip on things, it doesn't do that.

    For me, I had to work through the grief process and realsie that what I was feeling was normal. I contacted SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support) or something similar. The people in that organisation were very helpful. I connected with other people who had suffered pregnancy loss.

    It helped me to write about my pregnancy losses. It was a way to let go of the pain and anguish.

    One thing that took me a while to accept was the words people used to help me feel better. I guess people mean well and they might not know what to say, but some of the advice I was offered was dreadful. I then realsied would I be able to give wise words to a person in a situation I had not experienced?

    As you mentioned, my friends and family were having children at this time of my grief and pain. When invited to baby showers or to the hospital to see their babies, if I felt like crying I did so.

    Buying gifts for babies was difficult for years.I sometimes bought plants or flowers instead.

    Your feelings and emotions are real, you need to grieve and to eventually find ways of healing from the hurt.

    Ask your Dr questions until you have all the answers you need. I hated myself for years, but now realise that blame and regret were eating me alive.

    I send you my sympathy and empathy for all you have been through. Hopefully if you reply, I will see your post.

    With much understanding, from Mrs. Dools.

    One more thing, I borrowed some books from the library about pregnancy loss. Some were very helpful.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8809 posts
    15 May 2016 in reply to Autumn_Leaves

    Hi Autumn Leaves,

    Just checking in to say "Hello".

    Hope you are doing as well as you possibly can at this time.

    Allow the tears to flow and if laughter comes you way, encompass that as well.

    Grief and loss are difficult, confusing, mind numbing and painful experiences. Try to keep smelling the roses in the darkness and confusion.

    Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

    1 person found this helpful

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