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Forums / Grief and loss / The emptiness of miscarriage

Topic: The emptiness of miscarriage

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Dragmedown
    Dragmedown avatar
    6 posts
    19 August 2018

    My partner and i have only been together for 9 months, but we have known each other and been bestfriends for 10 years.

    We have been trying for a baby for about 5-6 months now. And i have had 2 miscarriages.

    its so horrible. The first time i had to point to a pregnancy test to tell my partner. Naturally first he asked if i was pregnant, i shook my head than he asked "your not" all i replied with was "anymore". And the second time was a month ago and i only told him 2 days ago.

    The physical pain is the worst pain, but the emotional pain... its hard to explain, you feel as if you have lost part of yourself, like someone has taken one of your traits or characteristics and a piece of your heart aswell.

    Its been really hard recovering as the first one i didnt have any time off of work and the second one i had a single day off of work because i was further along and the pain was too much to bare. And since then i havent had a day off of work, i have movdd house, done almost all if the unpacking and moving around the furniture, and doing every last one of the house chores without any help. This is all on top of working 6 days a week.

    im exhausted both mentally and physically, i just wish that it had never happened because it plays on my mind all the time, seeing babies breaks my heart at the moment because its all i want. And it doesnt help i struggle to admit it to my partner so i bottle it up. And its hard to talk to anyone about it...

  2. El Mar
    El Mar avatar
    3 posts
    19 August 2018

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is incredibly difficult going through a miscarriage and one of the hardest parts is feeling so alone. My older sister and her partner were together for 7 years and lost two little babies before her and her partner finally had my nephew. It was excruciating for her to be going through her silent pain when many of her friends were having kids. For some time, she completely isolated herself because it was too painful for her to spend time with these other women with kids when she (at the time) thought she wouldn't have any of her own. Through the experience though she did meet other women who had gone through similar experiences and she was able to share with them which she found really helpful. I hope that you are also able to find a support network or someone to share with and it can be really difficult trying to cope with it on your own. It also sounds like you've had a huge amount on your plate with moving house and stressful work schedule. Try to take some time for you too, for self care, to simply have a bath, buy yourself some flowers, go for a walk, have a cup of tea.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Dragmedown
    Dragmedown avatar
    6 posts
    20 August 2018 in reply to El Mar

    Thank you for your kind words. And those little tips of self care that may truly br helpful.

    one of my friends has a 5 month old and she makes me so happy when i see her but it breaks my heart thinking it will never happen. And as i am not an overly sociable i dont have many friends and only the one i just mentioned is the only one with a child.

    its truly difficult to talk about it. I dont like to say the word, and my bestfriend when i told her last time she didnt know what to do or say. Which i understand as it is hard situation to digest and complicated to comfort someone whose gone through it.

    Im just so worried it will never happen and will keep letting my partner down. And scared he will leave me eventually when it doesnt happen. I know im thinking negatively and in the future, but i am a very pessimistic person and due to my doctor telling me i only have 8% of conceiving i just feel ill never get pregnant.

    I wish i was positive and was more optimistic, but i cant ever seem to push my spirits up

  4. Frantic1
    Frantic1 avatar
    37 posts
    4 December 2018 in reply to Dragmedown
    I am sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage before I had my 2 beautiful children. I also spent 3 years doing ivf before my son was conceived. It is a very difficult thing to deal with and many people do not acknowledge your loss and associated grief. Definitely engage in some self care and if you can manage it some time off. Even one day looking after yourself can make a difference. I know it is easy to be pessimistic about the future when you are going through it but technology is improving all the time with ivf and there are many things you can try before you get to that point. When I conceived my son I was about to take a break from ivf and had even booked a trip. I think having the pressure taken off really helped me relax. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. I still think about the child I lost.
  5. PamelaR
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    PamelaR avatar
    2740 posts
    5 December 2018 in reply to Dragmedown

    Hi Dragmedown and welcome to Beyond Blue

    Such lovely support from El Mar and Frantic. It is pleasing to see people reaching out to support you. Our community here is just for that.

    I know many women who have miscarriages and go on to have children. You don't say how old you are - I'm sure you still have time. Especially since you've only been together a short while.

    Losing a child through miscarriage is emotionally draining and painful. I too have had several myself. Each lose became more painful than the last, until I believed that my emotional state was causing the miscarriage. I talked to my specialist about that, and he said - there is absolutely no evidence to support the notion woman can cause their own miscarriage through stress, worry and emotions.

    As El Mar suggested, do something really nice for yourself. Treat yourself. You've been through a lot and it does take courage to talk about miscarrying. I never did. But that was a different era. Things have changed since then.

    Keep reaching out if and when you want to Dragmedown. You're not alone.

    Kind regards


  6. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2315 posts
    5 December 2018 in reply to Dragmedown

    Hi Dragmedown

    My heart breaks for you as you go through the pain of loss and self-questioning.

    It's hard when not many people talk about miscarriage. It's one of those subjects like depression or failed marriages. Most would say 'Why teach kids about 'the negative stuff' in order to prepare them for life?! So, of course, if such experiences are faced later in life, we have very little idea when it comes to how to cope. We never learned how to cope and are therefor left winging it to the best of our ability.

    After my first child, I experienced 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy which ended with the loss of one of my tubes. 'There go my chances of a successful pregnancy, now that the odds have dropped' I thought. Long story short, my son was eventually born 3 years after my daughter.

    The emotional pain of miscarriage is unfathomable unless you have experienced it. It can feel like a lonely experience to some degree and matters aren't helped by people who proclaim 'You should have gotten over it my now'. Hmmm. I found that keeping a journal of sorts made a difference to me. Reading up on a few books written about miscarriage helped as well. It becomes a matter of what supports you through the grieving and recovery process. I actually had folk say to me 'You shouldn't be reading all that negative stuff' but it turned out being the stuff that made a positive difference when it came to moving forward. Reading up on the facts of miscarriage and relating to other women's experiences (how it can feel like losing a part of your self) can be a comforting process.

    Time can be cruel when it comes to waiting or hoping for things, such as little blessings. I hope time and blessings are kind to you as you navigate through your grieving process. My thoughts remain with you and your partner.

    Take care Dragmedown

    1 person found this helpful

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