You have found the forum in the very same way as me....I lost my brother to suicide in July of last year, he was 19 years old. While I can not imagine how hard it must be to lose the love of your life, I know somewhat of the pain of losing a loved one to suicide. I want to extend to you my heartfelt condolences to you Jarradh.
I encourage you to keep chatting here, to get out all of your feelings and any other thing that you want to purge, it is a very safe space and not only that, many of us too have walked this path and can be there with you to listen and to support you through this time.
I credit some of my healing to being here and to sharing how I felt, I would like to let you know some of the things that I have learnt that really have helped me in living with my brother's passing.
Firstly, there is nothing that you could have done differently to change the outcome Jarradh, I know this is hard to hear but this was a decision she made, albeit in a time of absolute darkness, but she made that choice as did my brother, we could not have stopped it. I beat myself up for a long time with "why wasn't I there?" , "why didn't he call?" so many many questions but unless a person can get a small glimpse of hope and reach out, there is nothing that we could have done on that day...you know in your heart you would have moved the Earth for her, if you were afforded that choice.
Know that your wife loved you and knew she was loved, that mostly when a person is in a suicidal state they just want the pain to end and that is the way they see to do that, they may even feel like a burden and so by doing this they are taking the burden off the family and loved ones by them not being here, we know that this is so very untrue as we would do anything to help them..however, they have to reach out, how can we help someone when they don't ask. This was a huge thing for me..my brother never said a word, we did not even know he was struggling.
I know what you mean by it feeling like it will never get easier, it does..you can smile again, you can laugh and you do remember the good times, it does not seem like you will be able to, and that is the process of grief. Please allow yourself to grieve, I got some counselling, that was amazing. They say time heals all wounds..I live with the wound and know some days it is open and I acknowledge it and some days it is closed and I can cope.
We are here for you, you matter and I am proud you reached out.
Huge hugs to you