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Forums / Grief and loss / Today has been rough

Topic: Today has been rough

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. AndiSolo
    AndiSolo avatar
    2 posts
    23 September 2020
    Hi Everyone. Two days ago was the birthday of someone I used to be married to. She died in 2006 when our kids were 9 and 11. At the time, she and i had been divorced for about 8 years and we had been sharing custody of our kids. I found out through a grandparent that, for the first time, my daughter went to the grave site. I am so pleased that she is acknowledging her grief. This post, though, is selfishly about me. The eldest of the two has not spoken to me in four years and the youngest, although living with me, puts a very clear wall between me and her grief. I have to tell you that I'm trans. I understand how that must complicate things but, there is no doubt in my mind about the love I have for my children and the depth of my desire to reach out and connect. That connection does not occur. I went down the street this morning to get a coffee and I saw a lovely mum playing with her toddler after probably dropping some of her other kids at school. The beautiful little kid was reaching out to their parent and it reminded me of how much things used to be like that with my kids. I am so sad. I don't know what to do with this sadness. Maybe it's mine forever.
  2. sunnyl20
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    sunnyl20 avatar
    203 posts
    23 September 2020 in reply to AndiSolo

    I am sorry you are hurting so much. This sounds really difficult and I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you to process and navigate through. It sounds like you care so much for your children.

    Do you feel that the younger one may take some time to reconnect with you once she is a bit older? Do you feel any hope that the older one may reach out to you with a bit of time and space? I am so sorry that this has happened. Do you have anyone who you are close with that you feel you are able to talk to for support?

    Take care.

  3. AndiSolo
    AndiSolo avatar
    2 posts
    23 September 2020 in reply to sunnyl20
    Hey @sunnyl20 - thank you for your note. I have people around me, which I am grateful for. Sometimes my own grief seems so deep that the most I can do though is try something like reaching out here.
  4. sunnyl20
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    sunnyl20 avatar
    203 posts
    23 September 2020 in reply to AndiSolo

    I am glad you have got people around you. I am sorry that I am not much help, but please know that I hear you, I understand that you are feeling really low. Your pain sounds really difficult to push through, but I hope that you are able to find some enjoyment in parts of your life, even if it is only small. I hope you are able to hold on to hope that maybe things may be different in the future, even though it feels all too much right now. Have you ever seen a counsellor or psychologist to talk through what you're struggling with? If not, would you consider it?

    Sending you strength. Take care of yourself.

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