I don’t even know how to start... I’ll just ramble on I’m sorry

so these days or these two weeks you could say(?) I’ve been having dreams or nightmares about the same person that passed away in 2017. She was really special to me and basically took care of me my whole life and taught me so many things on life and all those stuff. They end the same way and whenever i wake up from my dreams my eyes would hurt and there’s be tears Falling down my face. I want those kind of dreams to stop because it’s been affecting me and all. I can clearly remember the dream Like its real life and i really hate it. The thing is I didn’t get to say goodbye to her so maybe that’s the reason I’m having these dreams? But why after 2 years?

the dreams would go like this:(this is all like a vivid dream)

I’m with her and other people and it’s a normal day and the place I’m at is really beautiful for some reason i actually don’t know the place I’m not sure if it even exists in real life..anyways it’s like a normal day she’d be sitting in her chair watching tv and I’d be using my phone and going to her or sitting beside her annoying her and telling her about everything and anything that has been happening to me in real life and she’d give advice and stuff and the next thing I know, I’m crying telling her to not go and like trying to hold on to her and while begging her to stay and she’d just smile and the next thing i know it goes blank and other people are trying to calm me down but i was screaming that it’s not fair and that i never got to say goodbye to her but others did i never got to say I’m sorry and i hope you’re proud of me or i love you one last time my chest starts hurting and it goes blank

That’s when I wake up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really want to talk to her just for an hour even in my dreams i never got the chance to tell her that I’ve done this and that and I’ve never got the chance to make her proud. All the things I’ve achieved or done seems pointless to me now

Hi H-c,

I'm sorry for your loss and your current circumstance. I can relate to that emotion of wishing you had a proper goodbye, wishing you could have treated them better while they were still alive, wishing you had known so you could have prepared in some sort of way.

Let me tell you, there is no proper goodbye and there is no proper preparation. There is no true closure to grief, the only proper goodbye there is, is celebrating the life and memories of the person who still lives on in your heart. It is truly a sad thing, and I am sorry you did not have the opportunity to say your goodbyes. I am sure, if she knew who you were today and what you have accomplished so far she would be proud. Everything you have done is not pointless, it is a representation of the good you have done. The good that she saw and loved in you and what the world also appreciates.

I hope you appreciate and love yourself too, do not punish yourself and do not feel guilty for being inadequate in your ways. It is not your fault and I am sure the joy and precious moments you shared gave her great joy during her lifetime, that is all we can hope in our lifetime as humans.

These dreams seem to almost be haunting, as if your subconscious thoughts and emotions are resurfacing. Perhaps, these are emotions you have not being able to process properly and are probably translating in your dreams. I think accepting your emotions, your feelings, forgiving yourself and forgiving the situation will help you heal this grief and pain of yours. Perhaps writing, confiding to a friend, or a counsellor about your emotions will help you process and heal these current emotions.

All the best,

M99.