I am me now.
That strong, courageous, person the rock for my boys, the yes person that I had to be for hubby, the person who couldn't show anything but happiness towards her hubby the person that wasn't allowed to and couldn't say no..
That part of me got buried with hubby. They were not me, those were my defensive meganisms. They are gone I can't find them anymore.
I had a glimpse of them when I read white Knights reply. I really thought I found them but I couldn't find them they are gone.
a & c have seen me a broken person on a few accasions but they were young and it made them cry. I promised myself they would never see me like that again. and they haven't. And they won't.
I have decided to walk away from all 3 of them. They have each other to support and love.
Until I can find that person deep inside of me I will leave them alone. They all have families to care for and look after that is a hard job to do at anytime without the worries of a mum who can't think straight or who can't be happy around them or her grandchildren.
At the moment I am pleased I live over 300 klms from all of them it means they can't just drop in for a visit.
I love so deeply ab & c this is why I have come to this decision. They are my first priority, they have each other.
When and if i can ever get better, ever get rid of this depression anxiety and the worse of all the guilt then to me i can be with them and share there happiness..
Its not about me it's about them. I cannot be selfish and ruin their lives by my emotions they had a childhood no child should have and if they were to see me the way I am they might start having flashbacks as i do. I don't want that to happen to them..