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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Topic: Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

  1. Chicken Wings
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    444 posts
    16 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Ggrand,

    Im a birth mum too.

    First of all, just remember that however you feel is most likely mirrored in how he feels. Nervous, scared, curious etc.

    Secondly, everything that you have done is out of love and love is not something you should have to feel guilty about.

    I kept my daughters existence a secret from some of my family for a long time because I didn’t want to hear their judgement about the situation. When I did eventually tell them it was when I stopped caring what they thought.

    Dont stop yourself having a relationship with a nice man as your son sounds like he is. But equally, don’t be ashamed to tell him the truth.

    As a mother, you know what feels right and wrong about whether you should tell your other children, but as someone who has revealed a similar secret to several people, the good ones take it well... and your sons sound good.

    The one thing I found through everything was that I spent so much time worrying about everyone else’s feelings that I ended up neglecting my own. If you need to cry, cry. If you need some support from your sons, ask for it.

    you have done your best for 3 children, make sure you do your best for you too.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Ggrand
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Chicken Wings

    Hello Chicken wings,

    Thank you for your visit. and your kind reassuring words,

    It has been a long hard journey that was handed to me so unexpected.

    With the caring help of Tony, Quirky and others I got through most of it. They are amazing people.

    My eldest son has cut all contact with me since I told him and I'm not okay with that, but at the moment I'm tired. What I miss is him but also his children my grandchildren (5 of them) so much, it's a constant ache that I feel won't heal until I can sort this out with him. But I am just to tired for this atm, I need to try to fix me up first, then I'll tackle this again.

    Can I ask you, did you and your daughter find each other?

    Kind thoughts

    Karen.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Chicken Wings
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Job Ggrand,

    I’m pleased to say we have a wonderful relationship :)

    Were incredibly similar. She can be shy to ask me some of the harder questions, but we find our way.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Ggrand
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Chicken Wings

    Hello Chicken Wings,

    I am extremely happy for you.

    Than

    ts so nice to hear, I hope you both go from strength to strength.

    kindest thoughts

    Karen

    1 person found this helpful
  5. white knight
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    18 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen,

    By chance I've dropped in. Yes, have been having my first break in nearly 4 years. I haven't been 100% but nothing to be concerned about, just over worked the forum and wasn't my normal self.

    I'm ok though. Just needed to have a break. Likely wont be back until middle of next week.

    Your eldest will come round. Let him soak in all the changes he has to adjust to. He'll join up with his other brothers, they'll chat etc and he'll see the light. Just keep sending the birthday cards and a few special words.

    All my care Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Ggrand
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    18 January 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    Thank you for letting me know you are alright, I really hope your break will be peaceful, but enjoyable, and rejuvenating.

    Stit under a tree through the day,

    sit under the stars at night.

    I hope that you will get back to 100%. Take time to heal yourself, and remeber to Be Kind To Yourself and Look after Yourself...🦋❤️.

    Love

    Karen.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. quirkywords
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    18 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen,

    Tony is having a well deserved break , all is well.

    It is lovely you are concerned about others.

    How are you going.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Ggrand
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    18 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky,

    Thank you,

    I am doing ok, I was just a bit concerned as I didn't see Tony posting anywhere, my anxiety gets the better of me when I think someone is unwell. Especially people I have learnt to love and care about.

    kindness only

    Karen.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Ggrand
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    27 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Tony,

    This is the only thread I know to contact you,

    Just a little post to say, Hello I hope you are feeling better.

    sending my care and love to you.

    Enjoy your rest, and please give roudolf a carrot and brush down for me. and be kind and thoughtful to yourself.

    Kindness only,

    Karen.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Ggrand
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    27 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    WhiteKnight is taking a well deserved rest,

    I hope he's resting and trying his best,

    Leo Rojas, spirit of the hawk, will put your mind at rest.

    Maharji, with his peaceful, and glorious sunset,

    On your eagle, with sunset, you'll fly high above,

    For your hearts full of gold, and you souls full of love.

    for the kindness and gentleness, that you bring,

    you must be wrapped up in eagles wings.

    Rodulf, will be prancing around the threads,

    while Tony gives him caring pats on his head.

    Rodulf, with Tony who's our WhiteKnight,

    will ride through the dark and bring us insight,

    will take away some darkness and bring in the light.

    There is no one quite like Tony, our WhiteKnight

    WhiteKnight is a legend, a Beyond Blue Champ,

    He carries with him always the compassionate lamp..

    Karen.

    3 people found this helpful
  11. demonblaster
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    27 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand
    Beautiful poem Grandy, he'll love it, good seeing you put that skill into play

    Hey all

    Thoughts Grandy darling
    Souls (soul hugs)
    1 person found this helpful
  12. white knight
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    2 February 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi Karen,

    Love it indeed. I read it to my wife, she said " thats your reward even though you never expect it".

    I'm still testing and now suddenly we are moving house soon. We are moving 4 hours away 35 minutes from the beach and ordering a new house when we'v dold ours.

    Lots going on

    Phone calls to answering robotic machines...oh the stress.

    So sorry I havent kept up with your developments Karen. I know you are in good hands. So at this stage when I am on this forum its late at night and mainly with new posters.

    I hope you are well and improving. I hope its ok if I can print and frame your poem?

    Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  13. quirkywords
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    3 February 2018 in reply to white knight

    Karen

    I agree with Tony, what a wonderful poem and a well deserved tribute.

    You write so well and have a talent for communicating your feelings.

    Kind thoughts

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Ggrand
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    5 March 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    My thoughts only,

    I need to know..I have to sort this out with me..

    Did I do the best I could in raising my 2 boys?...I'm not sure..let me look.

    1. Both boys are healthy.
    2. both are buying their own homes.
    3. both would never hit their or hurt their wives.
    4. both are good to their kids.
    5. both respect their wives and children.
    6. both have good jobs.
    7. both are happy..(I think).
    1. both haven't been in major trouble with the law..

    Ok so the above is good...I raised them ok...I think..

    Now..with son B since I told them about him..They seem to..Well my eldest seems to not be okay with it...Why?..Jealousy? no..hurting maybe because lost chilldhood with him...Could I have changed this..What if I walked......no home..no money..no car..no where to go..What could have happened if I did...Eldest was only 2 yrs old...Child services would have taken both of them away from me...I would have lost both.....fil & and hubby would have made sure of that...Staying was the only choice..to stay together with my son..Okay..Hmmm still not convinced..still what ifs, going around my brain..

    Now did I protect them as much as I could of...No...I could have done better here....How?.....Not sure I'll come back and analyse this another day....

    3 people found this helpful
  15. demonblaster
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    6 March 2018 in reply to Ggrand
    🤗
  16. white knight
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    6 March 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi Karen,

    I've learned over many years that the direct approach is nearly always the better approach.

    Firstly, jealousy. you can try to analyze but you'll always be guessing. We can never walk fully in anothers shoes. So here is what I also am guessing

    1. That he once shared his love 50-50 with his brother...now its 33-33-33. Son B will take some attention away from him no matter your intention. This is about his feelings.
    2. That he like many men don't warm to what they see as drama. This is not to downplay you and your intentions and actions. It's just how men are wired.
    3. That he could feel there isn't the individual attention with you he once had.
    4. That your attention is all about son B.

    So therefore, given the possibilities I would be considering any dialog towards him on a special individual basis. So much so that he will one day feel he can tell you how he is feeling and you can reassure him of you love and how special he is and even....how you struggled to keep him within your loving arms.

    This might need extra effort like- making an appointment with him at a café near his home to meet for say 2 hours. Only then to visit his home and family. Him, alone. You can begin the conversation with some laughs and questions about his work, family, life then when you feel its time...."I suppose you are wondering why I've asked you here to be alone". Then open up but do it by asking questions - this includes him. "You are so very special to me. If you have any questions about you past, my past, I'm here to answer them right now".

    This process might take say 20 minutes or more. Then "I hope you are glad we got all of that out of the way". Now, about you, how's everything else?" Notice how the focus is on him and him alone. Only talk about yourself if he asks a question.

    I hope that helps Karen. As you say you have raised two buys with responsible lives. It's jus the small leaks that need "plugging".

    Topic: nip it in the bud, ideas- beyondblue

    Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  17. quirkywords
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    6 March 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen,

    What a honest and revealing post.

    I was going to reply then I read Tonys thoughtful post and really could not ofer any more ideas.

    I think talking alone with your son is a good why'd to clarify things.

    I do worry about you dweeb grandson too uch in the past. As you point out your sons are doing well and are responsible and kind young men.

    I have always admired ow you are prepared to examine the past and confront some uncomfortable things.

    I am thinking of you

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Ggrand
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    6 March 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hello Tony, Quirky.

    Tony.. Thank you for your very wise words,insight and suggestion. I will certainly give your suggestions a try, listen to what you said and read your suggested topic..

    I appreciate your time in writing a post to me as I know how busy you are..I wasn't expecting a reply at all, I am trying to get this all sorted out to get it out of my mind and I thought to put it on here in words to see what it looked like in writing...I really do appreciate your time.xx.

    Quirky..Thank you for coming in as well, it's your inner critic thread that got me going here and I will probably continue with my inner critic and see if I can work this out. I am not doing the best since I started disclosing the other part of my life..So my idea is to try at leas to get this sorted out in my mind and out of my thoughts so I can try to start healing from the more volatile part of my life..

    You are both appreciate so much..

    kind thoughts only,

    Karen..

    3 people found this helpful
  19. Ggrand
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    3 April 2018 in reply to white knight

    Hello Tony,

    From the other thread..My youngest Msg 3 words, the other two nothing, since last year..I tried to make an appointment, to see him..can't work out a time or place..Im trying to keep the hurt inside but I can't anymore..I can't pretend that I'm okay with myself anymore when I'm not..I've tried so hard to work this out..I'm so disappointed and hate me so much for my actions back then, I can't change these feelings or thoughts, I can't cover them over any more I tried. i tried to forgive myself I can't. Maybe one mistake yeah, but 38 years of constant mistakes no.. I done wrong now I'm paying for it...Tony please put all this out of your mind..I'm okay..Quirky and Deebi if your reading please also put this out of your minds, you don't need this...

    They met each other. Who am I anyway..I'm just someone that got in the way..

    Grandy.

  20. demonblaster
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    3 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Never ever putting you out of my mind.

    Hate that you have so much pain

    Love you very much because you're such a beautiful person

    Talk anytime Grandy here or my place, always close by holding on to you even if I'm not talking much, rare.

    Always time for you, mean it. Please try and see what a beautiful loving person you are, we can.

    ⚘🤝💗💑

    1 person found this helpful
  21. white knight
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    3 April 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi Karen

    This sounds like a relapse. That is to be expected. In fact Ive been on the lookout for it.

    With relationships there is a fine line between hindering others with too often contact and losing the momentum due to not enough contact.

    Of course a simple phone call from them every 6 weeks or so would help. Why dont people ring?

    Its fair to assume that following last years successful meetings and unification of your sons, that there is no underlying major issues. Perhaps a little disgruntled over the surprise of it all would be normal.

    I believe a few things.

    • They lead busy lives
    • They vision you as being far away
    • They know you have emotional challenges and dont want to risk discussing them (sad as it could be)

    Now, what to do? Knock on their door. Book a motel room for 1-3 nights and visit them.

    I hope you are ok.

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Elizabeth CP
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    3 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Sorry Karen that you are feeling so down. It is hard to know what your sons are really thinking & feeling but they are adults & making their own decisions based on their own feelings at this time. You can reach out to them & try to help them see that you love them & have always loved them but they choose how to respond.

    You are feeling hurt which is understandable. I can't imagine dealing with what you have. This situation may be the consequence of what happened in the past but it is not your punishment. Punishment is for people who deliberately did the wrong thing & designed to stop people repeating bad behaviour.

    You acted in what you truly believed was the best way to protect your sons putting your own wishes to the side. Maybe in hindsight you may think you made poor choices but at the time you didn't have that hindsight. Keep fighting for your own mental health taking the advice & support of your health practitioners. You are in the position you are now because other people including your ex treated you badly. You deserve as much support as possible to help you dealing with your MI. You are a lovely caring person who has been treated badly &forced to make difficult decisions. One day your sons will learn to deal with their own issues & be in a position to reconnect with you in the way you deserve.

    Look after yourself. Lots of us are cheering you on to get through this difficult time

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Ggrand
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    3 April 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello, Deebi, Tony Elizabeth,

    I just can't see a reason anymore without my children, .I have no one else..What Good is it being healthy without someone to share it with.

    1 person found this helpful
  24. demonblaster
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    3 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    That's very sad Grandy you're hurting so hard. Your hearts beautiful you don't deserve pain. You're an integral part of so many lives here

    Can we be your reason

    You're never alone darlin. Talk anytime

    You are so precious. Love you 💜

    💗

    🦄

    1 person found this helpful
  25. white knight
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    3 April 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Her heart is beautiful DB.

    I suggest you consider moving house to within 20 minutes of their place.

    Just a suggestion precious.

    Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Ggrand
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    3 April 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello Deebi, Tony..

    Deebi..You are my reason! .💜. (L&C)..

    Tony..I thought about that..but unfortunately finances won't allow me to do that..

    Elizabeth..thank you for what you said.

    I had a few days of letting my guard down.. I'm sorry, I should know better..

    Different times of the year..yeah..well..I will work on that

    Thank you all....I'll be alright....

    Love,

    Karen.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. demonblaster
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    4 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand
    🦄
    1 person found this helpful
  28. monkey_magic
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    4 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand
    Glad to hear that you will be alright Karen. You've been a great support person on my thread and to many threads. I hope you have a good day today x
  29. white knight
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    4 April 2018 in reply to monkey_magic

    hi Karen

    I remember the first few weeks you were here. Boy, youve come a long way.

    Even Knights have dips in their lives.

    Remember karen- your phone is your friend.

    Consider ringing each son for 10 minutes every 4 weeks.its about keeping your mind happy

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  30. quirkywords
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    4 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    My wish for you is one day you will feel as special to yourself as you feel to so many here on your threads. We can see so many special qualities in you and I will wait for however it long it takes for you to see just how wonderful you are. I am that patient.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful

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