Thanks Rx for your message.
The best way I can describe things is that she has an interchangeable memory - there are things she chooses to remember exceptionally well, there are memories of things that are altered to suit the need of her moment and then there’s the I can’t remember exactly what you are talking about component.
I think to some degree we all have elements of this but the degrees are just substantially more expansive and extreme with her.
She is aware to some degree we had a good 12 months however, it was also a time I spent with someone who was hiding her true self. That part has also been discussed. Much of that time has been overshadowed by what came after.
Last weekend my son came to stay with me - he received 2 words from her - “Hi” and “Bye”. She wasn’t rude but as a parent I expect more from someone who has been my partner and who also has children. My boy and I had fun despite the dark cloud hovering around the house.
I also had opportunity to update the younger daughter about what was going on with me and her mum. she is a good teen with a kind heart and has done well to be so well centered - none of this of course comes as any great surprise to her.
Yesterday my wife and I had agreed to a few boundaries and respectful behaviour however already I can see this is a struggle for her - she has had a few narky moments. Hopefully these will settle. While I don’t believe staying in the house together is the healthiest option for anyone it’s the course we need to follow for now.
I won’t deny that I have felt some relief in letting go despite being torn apart by the desintergration of our life, love, present, past and future. Fact is I slept really well last night alone in a bed. It’s a mixed bag - having had the rubber band pulled tight for so long it’s been nice to not worry if there are eggshells on the floor.
She knows I won’t chase her to repair this relationship - that was made clear last time she threw her ring... but I hope she continues if possible with her counsellor - there was no doubt she was better for a period of time after each session albeit not a cure. She seemed to enjoy the interaction and It was always good to just sit and have a chat about how it went and what she discovered and so on afterwards... It provided hope...
For now I will keep posting for here for a little bit - if only to help me bring closure to this part of my life’s journey.
Thanks again for taking the time to write.