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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Blended family and BPD Wife

Topic: Blended family and BPD Wife

  1. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    15 January 2019 in reply to White Rose

    So I spoke too soon... she has ended it all now - it’s too hard and doesn’t want to go through this stuff anymore...

    a fight came about over sex which is really unusual for us as this is a part of our life that is definatley in sink and never been cause for any grief. The topic doesn’t matter I guess...

    ill type more soon. Gotta tears to cry a bit first.

  2. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    15 January 2019 in reply to White Rose

    So here I am sitting in a well known sub sandwich Place with my son. I’m feeling absolutely sick to the core of my stomach ... Yes i started this fight but it escalated so rapidly - over something we have never had issue over... I can take responsibility for starting things coz it was me - I know it was and it was a frustrated me at that.

    and like a true liptnus test right to the heart of the matter while eating his roll my boy looks me in the eye says: “if you two are going to fight again can you take me back to mums?” I smiled... there was a lot being said in those few words and It really gave me cause for reflection - for many reasons. a lot more than I can detail. It made me really feel an enourmous gammut of emotions...

    She has reiterated she is done with us and apart from apologise for where I was out of order there isn’t much I can do.

    I’m also reluctant to saying anything to anyone I know because of the ‘boy who cried wolf’ story... people who know me want me out of the relationship but they (like me) are also tired of the roller coaster story too... the emotional bleeding.

    She ended the marriage again over this fight yet how many times have I forgiven her for what she has said and done. How many months of the eggshell dance never knowing which woman will be on today.

    Initially I was thankful just to get through Christmas without drama. I had even relaxed enough to forget much of the heavy emotional aspect -yes it’s been up and down but at a lesser degree - shed generally been better. Truth is I’d let my guard down.

    My sons words above and his look to my eye just hit me in the gut. So... Why am I doing this? Why do I continue in a difficult environment? Why is the immediate answer to difficulty to have to seperate (flight) - Then why stay together. Somewhere inside she must be unhappy and I can’t seem to change anything in my circle of influence to matter much... so is this the best option for the rest of my life? I don’t know...

    I am feeling very lost lonely and teary.

    my son made comment that I had not eaten today.

  3. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    15 January 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    I feel very empty and a bit lost now - I don’t feel quite in control of where I am and my own emotions...

    I look back at all the times she had asked for forgiveness or said sorry For her actions in the past and I had never once rejected her outright. She had usually come to me sad at what she had done previously and I have always responded to her need for a hug and affection and to enable her to feel part of us again when she said sorry.

    I’ve appolgisied for the things that I said that I believe were a bit offhand and out of order but she basically said ‘I hate you’, ‘I’m not a saint’ and ‘you were stupid’ for taking me back.

    I am just not sure where I am. Maybe this is the right call and I should just let go...

    as usual she has the tv in her area way louder than necessary... its almost as predictable like the cleaning rampages she goes on - maybe they are just ways to dull the thoughts in her head...

  4. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    16 January 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    The wedding ring is off - not for the first time in our marriage - i guess I look at it as tho it’s just a piece of metal. It doesn’t mean what it should as a symbol so I’ve taken mine off as well. On or off makes no difference.

    She has nothing to say to me and is still in the same frame of mind today - it’s all toxic and apparently I am the entire cause. We all have our moments yet in this relationship mine are apparently unforgivable.

    Maybe this is just a blessing in disguise.

    The house is still on the market. With the coming of the new year people are starting to look again so hopefully it won’t be too long from here. I don’t feel much choice is left and I have endured much over our relationship together. I’m tired.

    In this instance love is just not enough and I’d even started to question myself - this I know is part of the BPD experience. Inside myself I do know I’ve been reasonable overall and supportive etc but this moment just had me looking at myself differently. Maybe coz I know it started from my side.

    The truth is this stuff is simply just awful to live through on a day to day basis - never knowing which person will be there. Despite that I am scared of being alone - this part is probably what enables my codependency in this relationship.

    Is marriage just too hard these days?

  5. quirkywords
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    16 January 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    TheFarSide

    I have just caught with your last few posts and I can nearly touch your exhaustion and confusion.

    Your son has insights into your relationship. It is hard being in a challenging relationship but living with others who fight can be very uncomfortable.

    I really don't have any wise words or helpful suggestions, you have put a lot of energy and time into your relationship.

    You have admitted that you started this last incident . I wonder did you hope you would be forgiven as you have often forgive your wife, or did the words come out of your mouth so quickly you had no time to think about the consequence.

    From your post you don't seem surprised with her reaction and maybe now are resigned to the future without her.

    Is marriage too hard, I am on relationship no 3, so maybe not the person to ask.

    Quirky

  6. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    16 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    I am truly tired.... did I start something hoping for forgiveness? no... the moment came and words rolled but there wasn’t anything but fact to the conversation - it was just at an angered volume... the topic was sex but the reality is the arguement centred on communication - specifically a lack of it.

    regardless of the subject I don’t automatically expect forgiveness however it seems a cruel twist to make this the issue for which no forgiveness can occur. This is what makes me believe that it’s done... she is holding this as the centre of all problems where the only solution is separation.

    Regardless of the initial topic that drove the situation I had communicated with her as we had discussed and she ignored me... ignored me multiple times over something that has never been an issue in our relationship... communication was the issue I picked her up on... however - despite some of the vile disgusting things she has done and said this is the situation that will apparently break the camels back... I should be thankful I guess in some part of my mind and heart for closure but I find myself now fuming inside while outside is a calm facade...

    This has been a nightmare relationship full of roller coaster days and bitterly worded nights... I am only human and this stuff has reached its zenith for tolerance and this ‘I will make you pay’ rubbish is just the icing on a very sticky gooey cake...

    I can can only hope that my words over the last few months can help someone in some way... I read a forum on here from someone who had gone through a relationship just like this and had struggled to get out... they did and I cling to that knowledge and all the others that have walked away from people who prefer toxic interactions to relationships based in trust, decency and respect.

  7. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    4369 posts
    16 January 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    Far Side,

    Your honesty and your posts will have helped people as many more people read posts than reply.

    I have always admired your honesty and determination.

    I hope you can find rest and peace and regain your energy .

    Quirky

  8. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    16 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    I feel empty and guttered... its affected my son - he doesn't want to be caught in the middle even though he knows none of it is his fault. He has asked to go back to his mums for a bit. I have spoken to his mum - she has been understanding - he'll go back for a break for dinner and a few hours and come back.

    This whole situation is just appalling and I hate crying and feeling like this.

    There is a tense silence in our house and that's what I think my son is picking up on... so he stays in his room - he has heaps he can do in there but I don't like him feeling stuck there... This is all wrong and I want to be somewhere else - how can someone hide this stuff for the first 12 months and then unleash a world of pain on someone else - its literally cruel to be subjected to such instability and unreasonable hostility.

    I am tired of being logical in my approach and hoping for the best... I wouldn't have cared if she said to me 'you were out of order' for what I said - or something like 'your approach was all wrong' or simply 'can we talk about it'.

    she claims I hold onto each infraction she's ever done and wont move on even though she's done a couple of counselling sessions. Because I'm still a little bruised she reckons it'll never work coz I cant get past what she has done - all I've asked for is a little time to recover from the world she demonstrated.

    Thanks Quirky for your response... there isn't much say... its a bad time with an even badder outcome...

    I make her unhappy and she is making me that way too...

    If anyone out there has managed to hold a marriage together through BPD (or traits) then my hat goes off to ya - its been a dark path and yes I have made mistakes but nothing on the scale she has gone to... Ive not been so angered with someone ever in my life - she is an impossibility.

  9. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    4993 posts
    17 January 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    Hello

    I must apologise for not posting here for a few days. Unfortunately I have been unwell, received treatment, started to get well and then the problem re-emerged. Physical problem I add so should have a simple solution which is not working.

    Anyway I am feeling heaps better and can answer you. I know only too well how the words you vow never to say can fly out of your mouth without any intention and with disastrous results. Your are so tired and that is obvious from your words. When you are tired I think nothing, or at any rate little, can be done constructively. Staying in the current environment is not helping. Egg shells all round. Is it possible for you to move out for a short time or go away for a couple of days? I'm not certain if this would be good or bad, it's just a thought. I think you do need some rest and maybe it would help your wife.

    I am really sorry you have reached this point in your marriage. While my husband did not go to the lengths of your wife and as far as I know did not have BPD or anything of that nature, in the end I could not stay. After 30 years together I had no self confidence and felt I could do nothing without guidance and permission. No idea where I found the strength to leave. That was 18 years ago. It's been a long journey.

    I think you may benefit from some professional help. Can you ask your doctor for a referral to someone to at least help you to debrief? I think it is good to be able to let it all out to someone who is not automatically on your side (friends) or against you (her family). And importantly can offer a professional point of view and understanding. I hope we do help you on this forum but maybe you can get more targeted assistance in a face to face discussion. Just a thought. I hope you will also stay and chat here.

    Mary

  10. randomx
    randomx avatar
    846 posts
    18 January 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Hi fs , and so so sorry about the latest mate.

    And with your son , no need to explain that one it'd be pretty obviously a gut wrenching thing. lve got a daughter and l know it's probably a bit of a cop out but l've never had her around a gf as yet for similar worries , even if just what ifs, l couldn't bare it.

    But l still think it might've been lucky she never did meat that gf, she could be so gorgeous, but you just never knew what else might come out either or when. We still talk from time to time and she was saying she wants to grow her hair , l joked try some chicken poop it's great fertilizer which l often stir my daughter with when she's complaining about her hair too. Buttttt, l've committed another crime and she blocked me on everything 5mins later, 2 days ago now never know when she'll show up again, few days probably. But it's always eggshells whenever we talk now she has a hair trigger to end them all, one word , a letter, boom. Facts never worked, actually facts were often turned into another canon

    l wish l had some wise words , it's all such a shame can only imagine the heartache in it all with your sitch. l daresay she might be apologizing again within the next few days butt, maybe not.

    Have you tried mensline mate , if not for those guys l probably wouldn't have survived my divorce. All free you can call them 11 or 12 at night if you have too.

    Anyway , day ata time l guess , take care.

    rx

  11. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    18 January 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Thanks For your reply Mary.

    There’s lots to think about including just putting into perspective how I was feeling over the last handful of days. My own feelings weren’t helpful and I think as has been said in previous posts i am just tired of wondering what day it’s gonna be.

    At this stage there’s not really any where to escape to. I do have a counselled appointment in 2 weeks - So I’ll have to continue how things are until the house sells - I’m more worried at the moment that I’ll get lumped with 2 properties to financially maintain if I simply move out like I had initially proposed.

    My wife was ok yesterday for a chunk of time then we regressed backwards into her finding fault in all I had done and said not talking to each other again. Again it was me that it started from but not with escalating intentions.

    My take for now is that she is pushing me away (BPD trait) because in her eyes she can’t make me happy. I could be wrong but the more I tried to communicate with her about what I was feeling the more she then started to turn it back with ‘she can never do anything right’ .

    I did accept my fault in the grievance, for starting the initial infraction and appologised for my part - a number of times. It all matters nought of course as I’m now painted as the total emotional villain.

    I tried reminding her that we are all human and entitled to make mistakes and that when she has come to me seeking to resolve matters I have never turned her away once (although there have probably been many moments I could’ve and shouldve).

    This then became an I hate you tantrum followed by her then casting so many thoughts out from so many different timelines to our lives as to confuse where we were. Even going so far as to say I spend too much time with my son and we go out too much - she says we never do anything all together but then she refuses almost every invitation to do things. The few times she does go with me and my son there is always something my boy does that causes her grief.

    I think I first posted here on the 13th November 2018 and I feel there are only glimmers between the rocks - It had also been going on well prior to me searching for a forum to seek for thoughts And feedback. Although I am heavily invested in my wife emotionally I am at a bit of a loss now as to if this should continue. BPD Splitting is just an awful emotional experience to receive. I know there is no right answer or golden advice to this - it’s my call .

  12. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    18 January 2019 in reply to randomx

    Thanks RX for your message

    Logic and facts are not your friends unfortunately in these instances. They are almost a hinderance... I am starting to look at me a bit more now - not from the perspective that im too blame for it all or that I feel responsibility for how she is - more so that I am looking at me for why I endure this for so long. It rinses, deep washes , hangs itself out to dry then folds itself up ready for another wear with regular irregularity. The timings are unpredictable but the moods are fairly similar.

    Plain and simply the moods are not pleasant ... it’s as simple as that. When she shines she is as good as you can get. When clouds appear best get your raincoat. I do feel that it’s a perfect trap... love and stability for the first 12 months then it’s all over rover and into the tiger woods rough.

    So being someone who feels he has a strong footing in being sensible and logical why is it that I continue to wear this stuff as tho I was a personal punching bag... I know if it were my son I’d want him out of that situation yet here I am not living up to my own words. ive often read that being with someone who has BPD traits is very akin to an addiction and can be very difficult to break - the push/pull seems to work with various elements in the non BPD and that is made worse where codependency is also an element.

    The reality is I’m faced with 2 choices - wake up to myself and leave/discontinue the relationship or hope for the best/grin and wear it (hoping that further therapy helps)... that’s it... no matter how you slice it... for now it would seem that despite what I had thought previously my son is quite safe and comfortable in his own skin and does not see her in a bad way... that’s at least some comfort as a parent and does buy me a little time.

    time to think.

  13. randomx
    randomx avatar
    846 posts
    18 January 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    Eh fs , and sorry again of the patch up then hack sitch

    l'm fairky dyslexic to btw too so although l've got the hang of this forum now things might not always ahhhh, line up so to speak, but don't worry about it. Anyway , nope l don't think it's anything codependent at all ease up on you man. You married her as you knew and loved her. Of course your doing everything you can to save it and persist anyone would be. So great btw too that your son and his smarts and good nature help him through this, you must be so proud of him mate. l did try to prepare my daughter for when they were suppose to meet , explaining my gf did have some troubles and should anything come out try not to take it to heart or worry. Although they never did meet, she was prepared though and very open and excepting about it so l just prayed all would be well

    Tbh , l can't say my gf was bpd but at times she ticked most of the boxes others only some and caused me enough grief that l found and spoke to people in the know and l found some great stuff l wish l still had the links too. But two in particular , a now friend who's sister is bpd and married , and a married guy and his wife is bpd. They both said firmness was a huge key and not taking the shyt , just like you wouldn't from a 3yr old, but it's tricky to explain and you'd need to read it yourself , and there was a lot more to it too. Like reassurance that you won't leave and things like that. But as you say , that was turned around on you and it was me too mine pretty well made it my weakness actually so it's defiantly and art form all it's own. But if you google say married to a bpd wife, pretty sure stuff l found will come up somewhere and you could find some good help in there with some digging. Most of the stuff l found hadn't had much success and l tried to just focus on the few l found that did.

    Never know , ya cxould find something helpful.

    Best of luck. rx

  14. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    19 January 2019 in reply to randomx

    So time for a bit of refelection of the relationship;

    The First 12 months with her as my partner/girlfriend were idealic in most ways - while there were a couple of moments where I thought her reactions were a little over the top with anger (both from the point of view of needing to get angry and then the length of time it took to calm down) these instances were far and few between. It was a very loving and close time.

    The day we got married there was a change in how she was and the latter commentary above about anger and reactions seem to swap places with the love and good times... The rocky road has been punctuated with moments without infraction since getting married but often it’s not consistent enough to catch much of a breath.

    I’m not innocent or without fault to it all - I’ve made mistakes especially when I didn’t know what the hell was going on in the early stages - but that said I know the vast majority of these issues have come in one form or another from my wife - it’s how she sees the world, other people, her own insecurities and what the BPD traits do naturally.

    For me - I had married her based on what I knew and how she was and unfortunately this person has really changed into someone else. I know People do change naturally over time so I didnt expect the honeymoon to last forever. As a partner I also believe I have provided as much of a supportive backdrop as a human being can (again keeping in mind we are all fallable). I’d love for her to be in a better space. I’d love for her to view things with some positive eyes.

    Over recent weeks ish she had sought counselling (who seemed to be on the money for my wife) and those weeks were really quite good however since Xmas she has not continued that and has fallen backup old behaviours. This has opened my eyes that any treatment is certainly not going to be an immediate cure - nor may it provide ongoing or even permanent relief. The more I read I think she is not full blown BPD but has a number of traits that are ingrained and long term. So it is a tough choice - to stay with someone you love who no longer is the person you married, who hurts herself and those around her frequently or to seperate/move away which has immediate health benefits for me and my son but would be chaotic for my emotions for some time.

    It’s almost ludicrous that I find myself in this dilemma.

  15. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    4993 posts
    23 January 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    Hello FS

    What a horrible dilemma to have. I am so pleased to know you still love your wife as I see so many marriages turn into loveless relationships. It is the driving force behind how we act and what we do for each other. I don't mean the general sort of love we have for others. I mean the person who has become your partner in all ways.

    I think I suggested in an earlier post that it may benefit you to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist a few times. Speaking to your wife's counsellor of course is not a good thing as he/she cannot tell you anything because of confidentiality. Ask your GP to recommend someone. You will need a referral or a mental health plan.

    You write here very openly and I thank you for your trust. As a mental health professional your Psych would have a greater knowledge of BPD and be able to help you find solutions on a day to day basis. They will not tell you what although sometimes there are suggestions. What they do is help you sort out ways and means of living and also help you to decide whether to go or stay.

    I know at heart you do not want to leave your wife and at the same feel you cannot manage any more. In a different situation I have felt I could not go on and needed the help of a psych to look at what was happening, how I reacted, what had I tried. In a safe environment it is much easier to relax and get down to business. We are happy to support you for as long as you want, but our resources or knowledge is not as good as an expert.

    Mary

  16. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    26 January 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Thanks for the reply Mary.

    She has agreed to and set a date for further counselling.

    I also have counselling coming up.

    My wife is aware of the moments or episodes (despite not necessarily remembering all that happens) and knows at least that this isn’t a healthy way to be.

    Basically when a moment comes it simply turns off the internal healthy monologue we all have in our heads and she acts out in some destructive ways.

    Admitedly I’ve been doing a little bit more of the ‘this behaviour isn’t acceptable and we will discuss matters when you can respect this space” type of situational handling. using a firm hand as it were.

    I don’t think any one tactic I’ve used so far works every time this happens but this time it seemed to bring about a close to this last run of things.

    There is positive to take despite the emotional upheaval - but I won’t suggest for a moment this won’t repeat...

    While I have spoken about how damaging she is in her moments, she is also incredibly loving and caring as a partner outside of when the traits are at the fore. For the most part in these non trait moments we are very much in sync and tune with each other and I could not imagine being away from her.

    The close moments we have don’t feel over inflated as such - however by contrast the devaluing that comes when she changes does feel very BPD in style.

    That’s it for now. I’ll see what the counselling and other self help work she does brings to our relationship.

  17. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    4 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    Life has continued somewhat unchanged - mainly in silence.

    The few times I’ve tried to just have a low key conversation with her over recent days has been met with defensiveness and then shutting down.

    I did get frustrated and raised my voice a bit - she just was so unresponsive to being able to discuss anything.

    Remarkably she hasn’t taken her wedding ring off (although things could’ve changed by the time I get home). We still occupy the same bed although there is no closeness on any level.

    I did say to her last time there was difficulty that if she took her ring off that I would assume she wanted it done and I would act accordingly.

    It’s a minor positive but really a ring not coming off shouldn’t be something I see as a positive act in any relationship. Think I’m just looking for positives in what’s left.

    I do have my sense of humour though and my self confidence - despite the devaluing that has occurred along the way I know overall that she hasn’t shaken me down.

    I do think atm I am just a bit over the drama tho - be nice to just have a peaceful life.

  18. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    6 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    It is Still all quiet between us. Just the moments of ‘would you like a coffee’ or ‘I am leaving now’ to punctuate the silence - at least it’s not battlelines although there is still tension being delivered through those few words.

    For the rest we don’t share the same space while we are awake on the same house - generally she puts a pillow between us now when we sleep. Strange thing to do as an emotional statement given we have alternatives available for sleeping arrangements.

    All that said The time out has given me time to not just reflect on how and who we are and what we’ve become - but to also write down a sort of historical emotional checklist of this relationship. The list is huge - full of both good and not so good things and the list is not yet at completion. I’ve looked at both of us but primarily focused on what ways, what actions and what effects the relationship has had that has shaped where I am.

    Ive also read more stories and forums to gauge both how people deal with things. I’ve also read about how people have left their own situations what their views on it all are.

    Taking the time to see how all the behaviours and traits have played out to everyone in the house has been somewhat enlightening.

    Despite the possibility that I could’ve lost a lot of ‘me’ over the last year if I had allowed everything to get on top of me - I am thankful that I still have my sense of self worth, my sons health and happiness, my friends, a supportive employer and my activities external to this relationship. Apart from my boy - much of the above she has chosen to have virtually no involvement in - other than to devalue my connections to them when she has had event peripheral contact.

    Probably all things considered her lack of involvement in my life external to us has been a small blessing...

    at the end of the day where does all that leave us... while I can’t speak for her in that way I know I am just flat - I am not deflated...

    We all want someone to be close to - it’s human to seek that bond. At the moment I’m not missing ‘us’.

    I will keep posting for now. One of the things I have found helpful during all this is to read forums to hear and see how others have dealt with situations - good and bad.

  19. quirkywords
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    6 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    TheFarSide,

    Thanks for keeping us up to date with you very will written and detailed posts.

    It is interesting that you have written an historical emotional checklist of your relationship.

    I see your posts here as an emotional diary and can see changes from your first posts to now as you gain more knowledge and insights in to what has happened in your relationship.

    Just as you have found it helpful reading other posts and forums people will have gained from reading your posts.

    I wonder what is the most important thing you have learnt from your from your experience and your reflection on your relationship? I realise that may be hard to limit it to one .

    Your posts are honest and revealing and offer insights into all relationships.

    I appreciate your ability to share your emotions even when at your most vulnerable..

    Quirky

  20. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    9 February 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Thanks quirky for your message - I know to anyone reading this it may appear in some aspects to be disjointed and circular in nature.

    During the week she once again asked for forgiveness... just via text - stating she knows she needs to work on herself and could I give her more chance to fix things up.

    Within days she was back to not showing any affection and imposing her brand of silent treatment and keeping distant.

    No surprise the difficulties once again resume now my son is here for the weekend - I’ve started to do a midweek activity with him now and this has created further issue for my wife - the money (she has issue coz I pay child support so my ex should pay for everything else my sone does), the time, the attention etc etc.

    ‘The latest issue was sparked by a blocked drain in the shower. After about an hour of plunger and chemical work by me the blockage come out - in amongst the debri was a mat of dog hair. She showers the dogs we have weekly in our shower. I suggested that maybe she might need to consider an alternative approach and that was it - suddenly every remote comment I’d ever made was being thrown at me - “you’re so controlling, now you won’t let me shower the dogs, yada yada, this is how you manipulate people’”... if it weren’t so nasty or ridiculous it would’ve been comical.

    Admittedly my own level of tolerance just isn’t what it once was and I let fire with suitable responses - she seemed to just allow this to fly and then said I was the ‘crazy’ one. Now we are back to probably what is now the norm of our relationship - at odds, fighting or in silence punctuated by moments of peace.

    It certainly appears that she has no self esteem or self confidence and she takes slight at anything said regardless of how innocuous the comment is. Virtually anything I say feels like it will be taken as an ofront to her - I am glad that I get along with her 2 daughters outside this relationship because it has provided me with a sense of balance and perspective about what my actual contribution to her state of being is.

    It feels like she has been moving further away from me emotionally - anyone who has been in a relationship that has broken up has probably sensed those moments where lots of little changes have added up to a bigger picture - they can be really subtle such as no longer sharing the same Tv show, Sitting near each other but not touching, having time to respond to other people but not your partner and so on.

    I just want out.

  21. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    9 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    So her wedding ring came off again.

    We ended up in yet another verbal tussle - once again she said it was my fault for whatever the argument topic of the moment was - the topics changed every few seconds & some of those topics are just so unbelievable trivial - For example I couldn’t work out if I’d bought enough or too many ‘up&go’ drinks - it seemed to change depending on how or what point she wanted to make. She accused me of stealing money despite the fact she has access to our accounts and banking transactions online - these things aren’t hard to counter with actual evesenve to the contrary but I shouldn’t have to.

    Aside the triviality of some of the topics, it truly was an intense interaction. Bitter words and tone...

    When I started to counter her on the real facts to her points she started going into the “why do you stay then” stuff - in the end she got frustrated and through her ring away again... just like the time before and the many times before that.

    I know she isn’t well & I know this type of interaction with another human being isn’t healthy or even probably that normal. It’s hard not being able to render any assistance that actually makes her find a better place. It’s also hard feeling like my son is under critical review.

    Over the last 12 months I have seen and heard some truly awful stuff that one day she claims she can’t remember and then says she does until she can’t again... now more recently I have responded to her ways with angry words as well - I’m tired of fighting and trying to be polite and understanding of her circumstances.

    I am simply finding I don’t have the core capacity to keep her happy and everybody in a safe space free from needing to walk on eggshells anymore.

    Not having a happy blended family environment is just one aspect to show. I also feel a sense of relief when I get home and her car isn’t there.

    For my own emotional and physical health, self respect and dignity I have taken my ring off - I have found hers and have put them away in a container in the garage. I think this is where the road probably ends...

    I’m not as sad as I probably should be. I know I need a good sleep.

  22. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    4369 posts
    9 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    FarSide

    I can feel the exhaustion, frustration and tiredness through your last 2 posts.

    I think you have expressed very clearly what is happening.

    I have nothing to add but thanks for your honesty.

    You have allowed us to witness the very painful times as well as the calm moments.

    by reading your posts I have learnt about how my behaviour affects others .

    The wedding rings in a container in the garage says it all.

    Quirky

  23. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    11 February 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    After a few days of silence we finally communicated.

    There was no doubt I could not see a future any more. Things had become really toxic and as a parent I just had more concerns than in reality I knew were going to be resolved to my satisfaction through any proposed remedial action. It’s not like I necessarily I didn’t feel anything for her but it all had changed and she knew it as well.

    ‘The deep seated underpinning love that was perceived by both of us in our own ways as the glue holding the guts of us together and secure just wasn’t anymore. Like the end of the original Blade Runner... time for things to pass.

    We’ve agreed to some respectful boundaries (mainly at my insistence) and reviewed the house listing in now a changing real estate market. Plans are afoot to move on with life...

    Part of me is obviously terribly disappointed - I took everything I’d ever learnt about myself through life and previous relationships and gave it my absolute best but unfortunately there were circumstances here that were just outside my control/influence... Those are just the facts but I know I still have some of the emotions to deal with which probably won’t have a logical path to follow.

    Thanks to everyone who has shared and commented as the last few months have unfolded. It’s been helpful to type things out and work through matters as they arose... My experience of BPD has left me much wiser in many ways...

  24. randomx
    randomx avatar
    846 posts
    11 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    So sorry fs .

    All such a huge thing for you and beyond.if only huh. But you had to try and try again because you need to be sure and you gave it your best and then some,

    kt amazes me that she acknowledged herself and talked about getting help , l had big hopes because of that because my ex acknowledged nothing , nothing . kt was as if she just couldn't see it , yet remembered every word l'd ever spoke especially any in anger.

    l wonder does your w acknowledge her 12mths of good behavior earlier and then her flipping..No need to go there or answer if you don't want all understandable

    Anyway , again so sorry .

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  25. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    12 February 2019 in reply to randomx

    Thanks Rx for your message.

    The best way I can describe things is that she has an interchangeable memory - there are things she chooses to remember exceptionally well, there are memories of things that are altered to suit the need of her moment and then there’s the I can’t remember exactly what you are talking about component.

    I think to some degree we all have elements of this but the degrees are just substantially more expansive and extreme with her.

    She is aware to some degree we had a good 12 months however, it was also a time I spent with someone who was hiding her true self. That part has also been discussed. Much of that time has been overshadowed by what came after.

    Last weekend my son came to stay with me - he received 2 words from her - “Hi” and “Bye”. She wasn’t rude but as a parent I expect more from someone who has been my partner and who also has children. My boy and I had fun despite the dark cloud hovering around the house.

    I also had opportunity to update the younger daughter about what was going on with me and her mum. she is a good teen with a kind heart and has done well to be so well centered - none of this of course comes as any great surprise to her.

    Yesterday my wife and I had agreed to a few boundaries and respectful behaviour however already I can see this is a struggle for her - she has had a few narky moments. Hopefully these will settle. While I don’t believe staying in the house together is the healthiest option for anyone it’s the course we need to follow for now.

    I won’t deny that I have felt some relief in letting go despite being torn apart by the desintergration of our life, love, present, past and future. Fact is I slept really well last night alone in a bed. It’s a mixed bag - having had the rubber band pulled tight for so long it’s been nice to not worry if there are eggshells on the floor.

    She knows I won’t chase her to repair this relationship - that was made clear last time she threw her ring... but I hope she continues if possible with her counsellor - there was no doubt she was better for a period of time after each session albeit not a cure. She seemed to enjoy the interaction and It was always good to just sit and have a chat about how it went and what she discovered and so on afterwards... It provided hope...

    For now I will keep posting for here for a little bit - if only to help me bring closure to this part of my life’s journey.

    Thanks again for taking the time to write.

  26. randomx
    randomx avatar
    846 posts
    12 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    Hi fs.

    Oh yeah l still wonder too especially when l come across someone dealing with similar. l met her after 3yrs of going through divorce . Everything was instant between us and then some, even bigger than when l'd met ex w way back.l still think about what ifs and coulda shoulda's , was she or wasn't she . l've always wondered if her dis'acknowledgement was real or just selective. Some times it was like she'd grant me a few crumbs and would admit to some little meaningless thing but l always suspected she knew and remembered everything and reading about your w , l can see how selective she is so l think l might've been right. She was extremely intelligent and with a split second razor sharp wit so it was almost impossible pinning her down if she didn't wanna be pinned down. She change subjects and twist and turn so that you didn't know what was going on 5mins later.So l think with that and reading about your w , l was right about mine and they can also just be very very crafty .

    Must be so hard for her daughter , poor thing and now this for her too. My gf hadn't really spoken to her son in 20yrs, they seemed to hate each other and that was also always a bit of a worry.

    The house sitch is understandable a lot of couples have to go that way so l hope it's tolerable and maybe even something good comes from that in the end, who knows . Hopefully the counselor can keep her somewhere near level and make things a bit easier.

    l sure get the closure thing , l know l'm still piecing bits together and l know if l can find that well, hopefully some peace too eh.

    Hope everyone is holding up and thanks very much for the post.

    rx

     

     

  27. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    13 February 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    This morning feels a little empty. It’s a peculiar feeling. Having lived such an intense relationship style for so long it’s very strange to be in the same house - not talking, not spending anytime with her, not fighting and not a 100 other things that you normally do in a communicative relationship - even a destructive one.

    I had another restful and deep sleep last night which was nice. There’s always a little ying and yang in everything we face.... The sad side is that I woke in bed to look at the empty space where she would normally have been - despite it all and the knowledge that things could not continue the same way it’s still an emotional disaster to lose the person you have invested so much of yourself in.

  28. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    4369 posts
    13 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    The Far side,

    I think that emptiness you describe so well is one many can relate to.

    even if a relationship has been a struggle without it one feels empty.

    I think you may also be grieving the loss of the relationship and this will take time.

    As you have written you have put much time and emotion into another person.

    It must be strange being in the same house and not talking.

    I hope that writing here has helped you in some small way.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  29. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    89 posts
    13 February 2019 in reply to randomx

    Thanks Rix for your message.

    The advantage of modern times is that help, information and people are just a few www. clicks away ... it didn’t take me a long time to logically realise that something shifted the day we got married - being the person I am I like to know and understand the world and situations I am in... the research led me to getting the symptoms I saw aligned to a disorder “name” and then to understand what the current practices and process for helping etc were.

    Admittedly I didn’t realise initially that as part of this journey I would also need to be mindful of my own health and well being. That thankfully has changed - my son is the amazing reflective gauge to which I listen to...

    I have done so much reading and there are lots of stories out there of people who have gone through virtually the exact same thing with a partner who has BPD/Traits and it’s almost like there was a script that they bring out for the relationship journey. My wife I think would’ve been diagnosed a long time back except for a couple of quirky developments in her life that basically meant she didn’t have to deal with many people at all. In many ways this itself has probably been an issue as she hasn’t had the social conditioning that many of us have by just participating in all life’s necessities.

    This is still emotionally heartbreaking - I fell (with all I am) for her... it absolutely is personally distressing to have to wrestle myself to understand the person I loved wasn’t real - in fact she had by and large dissapeared over 12 months ago...

    Plain and simply it’s a painful journey to unpick your hopes, dreams and vision for the future - but... I feel that I could have done no more to make it work than what I did - I am also nowhere near the only person in the world who has been impacted by how these traits can operate in a relationship. I even get it’s not a deliberate act on her behalf - it’s how she is wired based on the life, environment and experiences she had well before I was even a blip on the radar.

    The light ahead RX that there are many many good people out there. Even though the relationship with my sons mother didn’t last forever she is still a good person overall and we lasted quite a long time. My current wife can’t understand why I don’t hate my ex - I just don’t see that as helpful to my son. This current relationship was something I couldn’t foresee and like anyone I was open and hopeful to find love. Keep the door open to the future.

  30. randomx
    randomx avatar
    846 posts
    13 February 2019 in reply to TheFarSide

    Hi fs and so sorry once again.

    Such a sad shame but , maybe it's a good thing you've accepted it so early, too you know, one guy l met tried anything and everything for 17yrs with his ex. w.

    l use to think of mine , well lots and lots of things actually but also as basically a scared little girl.. And yeah not all her fault or all something and things she could control or even understand just like l often can't anxiety. But to at 48 the poor thing had had the man run from hell and back and so all the abandonment and push pull things too. l often felt just sad for her.

    Your son sounds like one very special little man .

    Day ata time l guess for now eh , hang in there , find the light.

    rx

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