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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Topic: Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

  1. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    21 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    The latest fun:

    My partner has been told they want to keep him in hospital for a couple of weeks - to be really sure they've got that virus and the infection dealt with. Fair, but it still sucks.

    Work is getting real cute. SA govt. has decided Easter Sunday isn't a public holiday, though Easter Saturday is. What does work do? Open Saturday, shut Sunday. So I can't work Sunday, one of my permanent shifts, and I'm told because it's not a public holiday, I either make up the hours another day or I take it as annual leave. Right, so I'm forced to take the day off, but then I'm using my paid leave or I get whatever other day they can slot me into the roster that may very well not be a Sunday (I'll be damn surprised if it is one). Both options - lost penalty rates or very likely so in the latter case. Is this BS even slightly legal...?

    Have also been contemplating the then vs now of the ADHD thing. In my 20s, I lived on canned spag, pulled all-nighters all the time and barely bothered with housework unless I needed to use a dish. Then depression came along. I can't miss meals, I can't miss sleep, I can't afford easy food options so have to cook, it's unsafe for my partner and birds to not do my dishes/floor/sheets regularly... So all those things I cut out or turned a blind eye to, to maintain some sort of calm and be able to relax and enjoy things I like doing... No can do. So I do them. All of them. And so help me, each thing takes so long. The spinning in circles, forgetting, remembering, getting sidetracked, reminders going off, alarms going off... I can't bear it, but I'm stuck with it.

    Funny how I cope so well with just about anything life throws at me - except for simple, boring, mundane, routine bloody little jobs.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. ecomama
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    21 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    I need to leave for work in 20m so yeah....

    Have you got a Union that has a voice over that work stuff??

    Finding ways to manage is what you've always done, you've learnt alot.

    I'm so sorry LM will be in hospital for so long. That's sucky. I hope he's getting the very BEST of care whilst in there!
    And can be home and healthier with you asap.

    Love you lots.
    I'm listening.
    Love EMxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    I know that feeling. Thanks for taking time out of that busy period to stop in and talk to me.

    Yeah, we have a union. They're great at fighting for higher hourly rates, less great for most other things pertaining to worker's rights. You know, like keeping those hours - casuals suffer a lot from this, as the more the hourly rate is, the less hours they get. It's frustrating. Glad I'm not a casual, but still - it flies in the face of my values (and guess who's doing twice as much work when the casual hours get cut back). The golden age of unions is over I think, the balance is tipped back well and truly in favour of corporations - it's a lot to do with where the govt. sits, and we have the bloody Liberals. Sorry, I'm a socialist at heart and have a big problem with current Australian politics.

    Yeah, I know. Sometimes it still doesn't seem like anywhere near enough. I ended up taking some sick days, as the strategies I have for managing things have really gone out the window with the latest round of BS. I'm exhausted and having regular meltdowns.

    Yeah, it does suck. That said, the idea of being in there so long is that he will have both major problems dealt with and can come home on the standard meds for managing the transplanted organs instead of the messy balance that led to him getting sick again. Why they didn't do that in the first place with the fungal infection I don't know. A lesson for next time, I guess - we can expect more of this sort of thing, with his immune system being suppressed. Sigh.

    Thanks, I appreciate it.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. ecomama
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    24 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    I'm really glad to hear you took some leave.
    Sometimes it's just not possible for us to manage every thing!

    I absolutely do that regularly!!
    Our work is a very demanding area and the burn out can be fast.
    So this is recognised, and they DO want to keep good workers.
    So leave is usually approved no issues.

    Happy the hospital is getting things under control for LM.
    It's such a tentative situation, so this kind of pressure shouldn't be underestimated in what you're lovingly dealing with constantly.

    You're a trooper too!! lol I saw you wrote that on my thread, well we TROOP together young lady!

    100% agree about Unions and the political ping pong.
    Funny that no one seems to want to take responsibility....

    oh well it is what it is and I always vote according to my deepest values.
    I refuse to get involved in the political stage, so all I have is my vote.

    Oh and HUGE Union fees too. They get more hefty all the time. I'm enjoying the pay rises we got recently for more reasons than you think lol.

    I'm so sorry you've been having regular melt downs.
    Crying it out really helps some times, as long as you don't end up with a headache!

    Love EM

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  5. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Yeah, I really needed it. But seriously, my roster averages out to three days a week, and yet that's still just too much. I do okay with two, then I barely scrape through the rest, and that in rather poor condition.

    True, work is demanding. Dunno about that recognition and approval - I get a medical certificate, it's a legal requirement for them to grant any sick leave I have accrued, plain and simple. I always take two days if I'm off sick now, as the first day is just stuffing around getting that damned certificate instead of actually recovering. The lack of trust makes people want to abuse it -may as well be guilty as charged, right? It makes me so angry.

    I guess you're right, it is a lot of pressure, worrying about all the little things like this that can so easily offset the balance for him. Working with people in my face all day doesn't help, with covid settled down for now in SA, there are more instances of people deliberately touching me and getting way too close, of employees coming to work when they're sick, all that sort of thing. It's a danger to him, I don't want to be there.

    Ah yes, I did write that. Off we troop. I smirked a little at "young lady". Not so young any more. But I guess not that old, either. I like to think of my age as old enough to be wise, young enough to be hot, haha.

    Yeah, that's it. I don't have the energy to step onto the political stage, either. Especially given the way anyone who stands up for decent values has a way of disappearing from said stage in a big hurry. I feel like my vote means nothing, to be honest, my whole adult life I've watched my votes spin down the S-bend as corrupt people continue getting into power. It's mortifying, if not very surprising.

    Yeah? Our union fees are pretty reasonable, but it's a huge union, so I guess a little from each of us goes a fair way.

    The meltdowns are more anger and malfunction than tears. Tears occasionally - they don't really crop up except for with LM, with whom I have had far too little time lately. He is my safe space for that. On my own I tend to grow harder, fight harder, defy the forces pushing at me. I guess not getting the tears out probably isn't helping. I know a lot is out of balance with me, right now. Recognising that counts, I guess.

    Thanks for listening.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    3 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Today has been a long, tiring day. Up and about since 3am, didn't get home until almost 5. Partner in hospital again (vomiting and such, his mum drove him in while I was at work), and I'm waiting to find out if they're going to keep him overnight or send him home. The selfish part of me is hoping they send him home. I dread the thought of driving an hour there and another back after a day like this, though I will if need be - he needs me and I miss him - but I'm exhausted to the point of feeling quite nauseous myself (not exactly an uncommon experience for me, lately).

    Usually we get at least a few weeks' reprieve between his inpatient visits. It's not his fault, I don't resent him, but I am resenting this situation. I am desperate for rest and for help, but like it always does when I am so far down, life says "Not only do you get neither of those things, here's some more besides all you're already not coping with". It just. Never. Lets. Up.

    I know this is about him, not about me. And he needs and deserves all the care he can have. But at what point is there five seconds for anything to be about me? At what point do I get help? Just how horrifically low do I have to fall before I matter? Or do I just not? I dunno. I matter to me, but life is determined to make sure I'm the bottom of the priority order to anyone that can help me. Is it possible to be more tired than this? I just want to puke.

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  7. ecomama
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    3 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue

    You matter to me too - ALOT.

    I'm so sorry you're going thru so much with LM again and for him too ofcourse.
    Big physically distanced hugs!

    I really feel for you.
    It's HARD.

    Can LM get NDIS funding?
    You DO need help... I hope some forms of help can come through for you (both).

    You know you never have to answer anything that's too personal right?
    Well you don't....

    I've never asked if you've had a prescription for depression meds. Have you?

    Tbh I don't know when or how you could trial anything like that if you were willing to... IDK.

    But these feelings and the pressure you're under needs some relief.

    I know meds are NOT the entire answer... I honestly do... meds don't clean the house or get you quality sleep or heal LM completely.
    HE needs so much care and really YOU DO TOO.

    All my best as always
    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    3 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Thanks, EM, I appreciate it.

    I don't know if he can get NDIS funding. It's on my stupidly long list of crap to follow up. I'm sure you'll understand why it feels a bit much to push that boulder up a hill - they don't give help willingly. I have reason to believe some help can be had for him. Certainly not for me. Nothing I'm dealing with, apparently, is severe enough. Hardy-freakin'-har.

    Yeah, I know I don't have to answer that stuff. I've been on and off anti-depressants for years. They help when I'm a blubbering mess disproportionate to my circumstances, to get the physical symptoms of misery under control. Then I get to a point where they've done all they can do for that and they just cause fatigue, instead - as if I need more of that. Anti-depressants aren't what I need right now. I need quality sleep. I need an answer to my extreme fatigue. I need help with the damn housework. I'm mentally up to that stuff insofar as my body will support it. Thanks to fatigue, body is saying a big "Hell no!". No amount of mental fortitude is going to fix that.

    That was the long way to getting to the short answer. Those particular meds aren't the answer to this, I think they'll only make it worse, and were doing just that not so long ago, which is why I stopped taking them. What I'm feeling is I think understandable under the circumstances and not a product of my depression, little magic pill just puts away the reactions that make no sense (i.e. the chemical imbalance part of it).

    I get where you're coming from. They can help. But not this time.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Croix
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    3 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    It might be a bit prosaic to suggest this but is a visit to your LM practical? I know the warmth, love and happiness that comes from being together in person, however there comes a point where physical exhaustion becomes a danger in several ways.

    Is he in a position to accept a Face-time or Voice call? It is not a lack of care not to be there in person. I'm sure your LM would more than understand - you would not have chosen him otherwise.

    Maybe his mum can taxi him back too?

    Croix

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  10. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    3 April 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Yeah, we've had to work around the practicalities enough times to stop trying to push it at a certain point. There's also the other side of it, whereby I just end up restless and unable to sleep despite the exhaustion for not being with him when he is in distress. The period of barely being able to see him during the worst of his recovery from the transplant (thanks to covid) really makes that hit hard. I don't want him in a hospital bed needing me and not able to see me if it is in any way avoidable.

    In any case, life threw us a small break just this once and they eventually sent him home. Topped up with fluids, able to eat and drink, and with better meds for his pain and nausea. That taxi scenario you suggested played out without my input.

    Thankful it went that way. Bloody rough night, though. I may have a chance at sleep now he's home. I'm off to give it a try.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. ecomama
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    4 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    WELCOME HOME LM... all our bestest wishes for STAYING WELL!

    I totally "get" the whole medication palaver... I felt exactly the same way after the birth of my multiple babies... "I just need HELP with the washing AND the dinners and someone to hold the babies so I can use the restroom!"

    It wasn't depression, it was exhaustion.
    24/7 one baby was awake... sometimes I didn't sleep for 2 whole nights - like at all.

    They were 2yo before they slept at the same time ONCE... by then I'd had my next baby.

    But I can see a parallel with the constant demands of a partner with medical issues ongoing... ofcourse you LOVE him and want to be there for him... (as I did for all my babies) BUT at many points, we are expecting more from ourselves that is humanly possible for ONE person to manage.

    I get it.
    It's like a gamble sometimes with trying out meds... when all we really need is HELP.

    And we're no gamblers lol.

    Extending LOTS of love right now!!

    Hope you get SOME sleep...

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Lovely. Thanks. :)

    Yeah, there's a definite parallel. Dealing with his health stuff can be pretty taxing. With my own on top of it, even more so. Even when I'm getting proper amounts of sleep, I'm not getting much benefit from it, and any exertion is taking twice its normal toll on me. If I were healthy I think I'd manage okay. However, I am not.

    Yup. I know what ADs do - they treat depression, but that isn't much use when that isn't my problem. Nothing I'm feeling is disproportionate to actual events, it isn't depression talking so much as just being a person in a difficult situation.

    Thanks. I did get some sleep. Still tired, mind you. I'll take what I can get.

    Blue.

  13. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    (*trigger warning*)

    So, this week's fun just keeps coming. My dad called Monday and told me my cousin had passed away. I didn't know her really, met a few times, so there aren't a lot of personal feelings there, but it's a bit of a shock given she wasn't much older than me. The thing that hit me is she was waiting on an organ transplant. Really drives home how very lucky I am to still have my partner.

    The other thing is that I mangled my finger at work. It was quite the ugly mess and I actually wound up being sent to a plastic surgeon. He made it look a lot more finger-shaped again, with numerous stitches. Whatever crap I have to get done at home is either on hold or going to get done reeeeeal slowly. Sigh. You know, I think bad luck comes to look at my life for inspiration.

  14. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    13 June 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues
    Haven't visited this thread in a while, my other one on PTSD has been the one getting visitors. It feels like this is the right place to reflect on a non-PTSD matter in more depth, though, albeit acknowledging it's not wholly irrelevant to it. It does relate in larger part to my depression insofar as comorbidities are concerned, and the way in which one feeds into the other. I have an official diagnosis now for ADHD. Aside from feeling validated, I now have the tangible options of treatment and support. I took my first dose of medication for it today. I noticed changes. Not dramatic changes, but significant ones. I was less fidgety in a social situation today, left my phone alone, not constantly getting distracted by the conversations on other tables. I cooked tonight, and the process was more sequential than usual. One step at a time, in the right order. I saw other things that needed doing, I thought "Better do that", but I stopped short of running off to umpteen other tasks before the cooking was done. Afterward, I sat quietly for a few moments, and wasn't bombarded with a million intrusive thoughts. Just a trickle of thoughts, and not like having the TV and radio on at the same time, turned up loud, with someone else goofing around with the remote (i.e. the usual state of my mind). Modest changes, but significant. Changes that give me some small hope that my life may get just a little easier. I'm used to hardship, I'm used to needing and using extraordinary discipline to function at all - even a small improvement in focus could be a huge step forward for me.
  15. Croix
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    13 June 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue

    Having the correct diagnosis can be the most liberating of things. For many years I lived wiht the original diagnosis given when I was invalided out of the police. While it explained some things, the physical symptoms, the inability to stink wihtout looking on hte very worst side etc etc it did not explain the the re-living, the anger, the resentment and the need to be alone -plus the suicidality and self-blame.

    So when I was correctly diagnosed wiht PTSD as well as depression and anxiety it made so much sense -and in a way did two hings

    It relived me of some of the burden of character failure and responsibility and also gave me hope the correct tratment would retore me -at least in part.

    It did

    So I can understand your feelings and hope for you, that things will now make sense and improve.

    How are you coping with the medical needs of your LM?

    A tweet to the puffballs

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    15 June 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Thanks for your understanding, and for just being around to listen. Have I mentioned I think you're a lovely fellow?

    I can very much relate to your experience with PTSD. In my case, it didn't seem like something that was relevant to my circumstances, it was always something you hear about re very acute trauma (i.e. violence, serious accidents, etc.), so the symptoms were looking to me very much like weakness and character flaws on my part. It was only a comment from EM some while back that helped me connect the dots about that. I don't know how long you have been dealing with PTSD, I suspect some while, but I can imagine the sort of ignorance or stigma around it in times gone by, especially for a man, and the more so for one in a profession like the police force. Would I be right in guessing there was a bit of toxic masculinity to work through in regards to how you were feeling, and mental health in general? In any case, I am extremely glad for you that you got answers and some improvement in your situation.

    The ADHD diagnosis is definitely a positive thing for me. I admit, even a hard-nosed independent creature like me got to feeling a bit uncertain during the lengthy wait for the psychiatrist appointment, and looking up stuff about the condition was leaving a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth (not least because it pushed the impatience button on having to wait three months, and I need to put my focus elsewhere to deal with it) and I stopped pursuing further information. So now I'm feeling like I'm pointing in the right direction and that getting books or following sites with information and coping strategies for ADHD is something good and useful to be doing. Can't say I'm averse to having meds that help me focus, either. The effects are subtle so far, there may be some adjustment needed, but the potential for positive change is there and knowing how far I've come without help suggests I'm up to the task of any other work I need to do to make things better.

    LM's medical needs are within a manageable range at the moment, no hospital stays or emergency department trips for a while, which is a relief. I am on annual leave for the moment, too, which makes things easier. Oh, and if you've not seen the news doing the rounds on the forums (I told the ladies on my other thread), LM and I are now engaged. Yay!

    Kind thoughts to you and the Menagerie, and a song from puffballs.

    Blue.

  17. Croix
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    15 June 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    It's good news about your LM, and especially your engagement. If you'd take a tip from me, don't make it a long one. There is something about the commitment made with marriage that enriches and fortifies and it's a pity not to get to that place as soon as possible.

    Neither of my engagements were long ones and my partners and I have never regretted that. We both knew each other beforehand, so it was not like a hasty marriage to a stranger, more a move to support and cherish.

    You also get to be next of kin without arguments.

    I guess you are sort of right about my PTSD, I was invalided out of the force a very long time ago and at that time neither men, women not (I believe) the force saw any mental health illness -let alone suicidality -as being only for those that were weaker. I did too, and MH issues were simply not me.

    Plus the term PTSD was not a recognized and therefor acceptable diagnosis -I'd never heard of it then or for some time after.

    That's why having finding that label was so good, it in part exonerated me, character flaws became symptoms that came about as a result of concrete matters. Plus of course the nature of treatment could change.

    I guess that will be the same for you, if it fits then that's good. Thinking depression is not that good a fit, or so it seemed to me reading you posts over the years. I would heartily agree you will cope with any therapy, and have experience enough to work wiht your prescriber to optimize meds. You are the expert on you.

    The menagerie have all retired for the evening so it is left to me to trend their regards to you, your LM and the puffballs on their behalf

    Croix

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  18. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    16 June 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Thanks. I agree, I hope for it not to be an overlong engagement. It is, of course, a bit dependent on budget and trying to organise stuff around our various health-related dramas. All going well, it won't be more than a year. Admittedly the "next of kin" aspect has plenty of appeal given mother-in-law problems after his surgery.

    Mental health is such a tricky thing, and there is a lot that still isn't understood, never mind back when you had to leave the force. I can only imagine the journey you must have had to get to your diagnosis. It was tricky enough for me to figure out, and I had a lot more exposure to mental illness and terms like PTSD. Symptoms and attitudes can vary somewhat between individuals so even hearing someone else's story it may not necessarily click that you're in the same boat - though I guess compartmentalising and selective forgetfulness play a part in that.

    You have the same approach to having a label that I do, it seems. Part of why I ditched my psychologist was the whole "let's not put a label on it" attitude. How about yes, let's call a spade a spade, let's define what I'm dealing with so I can properly research it and apply appropriate strategies for dealing with it instead of gratitude diaries and crap anyone who's just a bit sad can come up with in a five minute Google search. I don't need to pay over $100 for that little time waster! Sorry, tangent. A diagnosis matters, it is a starting point for relevant, targeted knowledge and treatment, and for understanding what is wrong and why. For people like us that take great personal responsibility, that is very important.

    I think you have the wrong end of the stick on one point - my diagnosis of ADHD doesn't replace that of depression. Ol' Blue well and truly has both. It's apparently not unusual for people with ADHD to have depression as well, the conditions feed into each other somewhat. I've had bouts for weeks, months or even years of despair and suicidal ideology, occasional spikes of wanting to self harm - the worst of it occurring before you and I met. I manage it better than most, I think, and I guess most of what I post here is the (thankfully larger) part of me that's fighting it, not the part that is flailing and wanting to throw in the towel. Doc says treating the ADHD should dial down the emotional intensity a bit and help manage the depression as well. Bloody hope so.

    I bid you, Mrs C and the Menagerie a peaceful night's sleep. :)

    Blue.

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  19. ecomama
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    16 June 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue

    I've read back a bit and saw you've been diagnosed with ADHD, WOW!
    Congratulations! I only say that because I know this has been a long battle, hard fought and now won (of sorts) to work out the puzzles of what's been going on for you.

    The PTSD could really clang heads with the ADHD. The intrusive thoughts, with the floods of thoughts battling for head space in that precious head of yours.
    Fun hey!

    You're amazing really. Well done you.

    I'm glad to hear the meds are working somewhat.
    How's that all going?

    I'm glad to hear LMs health is stable atm.

    Are you planning a Wedding any time soon?

    I can just imagine the Puffballs in a little Wedding veil and tuxedo lol!! They'd bite my finger off for saying that I bet hahaha.

    Bestest wishes always
    Love EMxxxx

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  20. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    17 June 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Thank you. Yes, it's been a bit of a battle - admittedly, mostly with myself. A year ago I wouldn't have even considered ADHD as so much as vaguely likely, but then again I didn't know much about it. Same goes with PTSD, I knew about it, but my knowledge was spotty and on the surface it didn't seem relevant to me. My experience is certainly a good argument for encouraging conversation about mental health and demystifying conditions that are regularly mentioned but generally speaking pretty poorly understood.

    You're not kidding about the PTSD/ADHD combination. The PTSD is largely under control at this point, but hey, depression comes with a bunch of intrusive thoughts, too, so you can imagine at the best of times my head is a whirl of ugly thoughts - with all three things at play simultaneously it was a bloody nightmare. I read a blog post on Totally ADD with a comment from someone preparing to begin taking medication, and he said he was "looking forward to experiencing that calm that other people talk about". That really typified my experience with it, my mind is never calm, never quiet, there's always a barrage of memories, ideas, references, to-do lists, things in my environment catching my attention and pulling it this way and that, and of course the intrusive thoughts. It's busy in there!

    Dunno if I'm amazing, I'm just doing what I need to do to survive, but I'm glad you think so. Thanks.

    The meds continue to modestly improve my functionality. I haven't noticed a build up of effectiveness, it's been about the same each day as far as I can tell (though of course it's a bit subjective). I've been a bit more productive and still able to get a few little things done even when they're not very interesting. That's nice. My thinking is a bit slower during the day when the meds are most active (it slowly wears off as the day goes on) - still kinda busy but not quite so many things going on at once, which is a small improvement objectively but for me a minor miracle and one that I value considerably.

    Thanks, I was worried he'd catch the bug I had and wind up in hospital, but he's been fine. One he's had before, I guess. Just thankful things are going mostly okay at the moment.

    Not soon, even the cheapest wedding costs a bit, and our budget is a bit rubbish at the moment. We'll get there.

    Haha, Mr Feisty might peck, he's a pointy boy. :)

    Kind thoughts to you. I appreciate you stopping in, I know you're struggling at the moment.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Croix
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    22 June 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    What a pity, I'd been silly and assumed the depression was partly PTSD and partly the ADHD, my apologies. I do hope that treating your other conditions does reduce the depression. I'm not sure about causes in my case, most things, ie PTSD, depression and anxiety, by and large, tended to have lessened more or less together to manageable levels. Flippers Xed for you too.

    I suppose Mrs C and I were in a hurry (no, not for that reason:) and although not in a good financial position took the cheapest way we could as soon as we could. Govt office for a form (we fortunately both had our birth certificates already), Govt office and celebrant, couple of friends as witnesses and then a meal at a restaurant where the main celebration took place - everyone paid their own way.

    The thing was we both had relatively recently seen a partner pass away and were still probably over-mindful of the fragility of life. I guess we (mainly me I confess) panicked and rushed. Your plans for a year or so is probably much more sensible. Pity about your MIL though:(

    I agree with EM, irrespective of the labels, I think you do an amazing job managing your life with those symptoms and hope things become markedly easier tout suite.

    A peck of birdseed or whatever is their fancy to the puffballs please. ½ the menagerie here opened ½ an eye in greeting (after being nudged) while busy toasting in front of the fire.

    Croix (the conjoining cheapskate)

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  22. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Guess I can't blame you for trying to look on the bright side. Sadly, that's not my reality. Glad to hear your various conditions responded together to treatment and are more manageable.

    Ha, cheers for the qualifier about why you were in a hurry. We definitely want to keep costs down but registry office is a bit unappealing, we'd at least like to choose the venue, which will be a bit dearer. We mean to just have our besties as our witnesses too, and keep the meal simple. Nice clothes and rings would be good, though, and bump up costs a bit - the rings we will wear for life, after all - and it would be nice to look good for each other.

    I understand the sense of the fragility of life. We're not without a keen awareness of mortality ourselves, considering LM is sporting a set of organs he wasn't born with. As for the timeframe, we live together and are as good as married, so in practical terms it doesn't change a lot for us. It's as much as anything because I've got a few relationships behind me and marriage is the thing I haven't done - I want something that is just ours. That said, the whole concept doesn't even feel real since we aren't telling people in our physical environment, it's like we're just thinking about it hypothetically or making up stories. Yeah, pity about mother in law. I don't want to think too much on that.

    Thank you. It helps sometimes to have an outside perspective, I often feel like I'm not managing too well at all. That said, I know I work a lot harder than someone without the symptoms I have to achieve half as much, so if it looks good on the surface maybe it's a sign I've kicked some butt. I wish I could say things were getting easier. Unfortunately, things aren't going according to plan. I'm not sure if it's entirely the meds to blame or other factors, but after a few days of productivity I hit a slump of tiredness and being generally unmotivated and quite down, so I'm not really seeing the benefits I was getting in the first few days, any more. More than slightly disheartening, I must say.

    They do enjoy seeds, and oats and fruit, so birdseed is welcome - thank you. Sounds like the Menagerie are getting cosy, far be it from me to disturb them. Puffballs are with me now, hopping about my chair and my person. Never a dull moment with these two. Kind thoughts to you.

    Blue.

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  23. Croix
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    10561 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    Maybe not be as disheartening as you currently feel. First - as you well know - it takes time for many meds to 'bed in', particularly if there are other meds involved, and secondly you now know it can be done. Those first few days of productivity show that.

    So change/tweak and head towards that goal that you are aware is possible.

    My extra eagerness was at least in part due to that PowerPoint show that at times revolves in my head from my previos occupation. I overreact no doubt.

    To look good for each other and have enduring tokens is a lovely way to look at things.

    I suppose past relationships, bad and good, can teach us things if we are lucky. The toxic actions of my parents gave me a template for how not to be a parent, and my first marriage - which was wonderful - gave me insights and experience to cherish my second wife so much more.

    I could not resist this song. I know, wrong number of birds, wrong genre but anyway, seemed appropriate-

    Three Little Birds
    Bob Marley

    Croix

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  24. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    25 June 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue and waves to Croix!

    I've missed you all so much. Hugs.

    Blue ofcourse you're amazing lol. Gosh even surviving DV is an AMAZING feat, let alone the incredible challenges you faced as child... then more recently the scary things with LMs health.

    You are admirable.

    Sometimes (not often lol) I ask myself "What would I think of a person whose story was just like mine?" and I CAN see the achievements.

    I'm glad you can feel the meds working for you. I agree with Croix, which I'm sure you know already, that the Dr may need to do some "tweaking" of your meds over time to get the right dosage etc.

    Re: the diagnosis stuff, we don't know what we don't know until we know it lol.
    If none of us HAD any MH training to speak of then we couldn't know.
    Not that we would be able to diagnose ourselves anyway, but it seems we do a very good job of seeking and finding diagnoses that fit in the long run.

    The whole idea of PTSD was NOTHING like I thought I could have.
    Sure in Croix's professional experiences, I would think that was fitting.
    Also with returned soldiers or war experiences.
    That's was my understanding and a common held belief.

    Tbh my childhood was wonderful compared to some of my friend's lives.
    I thought I was LUCKY.
    But I was denying my own experiences by comparison.

    Sadly none of those friends sought help, so sad. Well, one did but he's ex Army also. But almost all his therapy was based on his childhood traumas.

    I Pray things change in people's understanding though.
    I also Pray that more diverse therapies are understood to be of value.
    So many are overlooked by the sufferers as possibly having value.
    Some recommendations are so simple, but extremely powerful in their healing potential, like self-care.

    Well it's 1am and I'm washing uniforms for the kids to work tomorrow after getting home just now. They have more than one set but have their favourite ones lol.

    Thanks for the Puffballs songs on my thread, they're SWEET!
    My feathered babies are huddled together in the laundry with barely room for me to move in there lol. I'm sick of the Brush Turkeys picking on them grrr.

    Love to you all
    EMxxxx

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  25. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Apologies for the distinctly belated reply. As to the meds taking time to "bed in", the doc said it should take only a few days to reach full effectiveness. I guess that was true enough, but it was followed by things going horribly wrong. My energy crashed, my motivation crashed, then my mood followed and I had a nice little depressive episode that swallowed up half my long awaited and desperately needed holidays in misery, and I won't be seeing any more time off work for altogether too long. I don't think I am unjustified in being disheartened, and I am distinctly wary of trying whatever the psych suggests next. One doesn't expect depressive episodes from a stimulant.

    I can imagine that PowerPoint presentation running in your head. Rather understandable given, as you say, your previous occupation. It would impact anyone.

    It's tricky to balance a good wedding with a cheap one. I'll put money in a few small, key areas, and leave it at that.

    I don't think it's luck, learning from our experiences comes with having a willingness to grow as a person. I learned a whole lot of what not to do from both my parents and previous relationships, and came away with a few small good things. Most of the positive learning has been happening in my current relationship. It's an eye-opener seeing and participating in a healthy relationship, I hadn't really seen one close up before, they were a thing of myth. I'm glad for you that you have been able to experience it, too. Having a supportive and loving partner is life-changing.

    Well, I can hardly blame you for thinking of a bird-related song when talking to me. Two birds plus friend? ;) I think I've heard it before, though hadn't paid much mind to the lyrics.

    While we're on an animal theme, this is rather less cheery (sad, in fact), but a song that featured prominently in the early days of my relationship with LM: Feeding the Wolves, by Josh Pyke. In those days I only felt a measure of peace and could only sleep more than a couple of hours at a time when he was with me to quiet the storm in my head. I guess this song is a measure of how far I've come since then.

    Blue (& Puffballs).

  26. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Hugs to you, too.

    When you put it like that, I guess it has been an achievement to get through. Funny thing about perspective - when pretty much everyone in your life has lived a horror story, one like mine looks pretty mundane. I get glimpses from the occasional conversation with a relatively normal person of how my story is actually the makings of a pretty messed up individual. I guess it's in those moments I see it from an outside perspective.

    The meds working was all too brief. I outlined what happened next in my reply to Croix. I feel rather resistant to experimenting with meds given how much doing it this time has cost me. I don't have it in me to bumble through more mess like that, and I sure as hell don't need help to be depressed, I have that in the bag already.

    All I can say to that is I've yet to meet a mental health "professional" that has come within cooee of a diagnosis or anything useful for me without my own extensive research preceding - had I left it to them, I would know a hell of a lot less than I do now.

    We come back to comparing experience. I think when it comes to childhood experience it is so hard to guage how good or bad we have it - what we live is what we know, it's our normal. I didn't think I was lucky or unlucky, I just existed. We've both been on quite a journey to learn how our various traumas have knocked the stuffing out of us. PTSD without an understanding of what it is or where it has come from is an ugly thing, full of shame and self-reproach. I still struggle to accept that my particular trigger for that was such a pathetic and unworthy thing, that many people just move on from like it was nothing. I guess for me the infidelity was just that step too far after a lifetime of feeling unsupported and unimportant to anyone I should have been able to rely on. That's what makes it Complex, huh? Bore it all just fine, up until I didn't.

    I'm not a praying woman, but I agree with you in wanting and working toward deepening people's understanding of mental health and a broader range of therapies. As you say, simple things like self-care are vastly underestimated in value. It all sounds a bit namby pamby until you actually try it. Kind of stumbled there myself before I heard about it, just tried to find islands of something that didn't suck amidst all the stress.

    Nothing like washing uniforms at 1am. Been there. Cuddles for your poor chickens. Those brush turkeys need to chill out.

    Blue.

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  27. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10561 posts
    8 July 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue, with a wave to the eminently sensible EM~

    "There's still gardens that I want to grow with you" is pretty excellent all things considered, to have hope in someone is to be treasured, to be proved right is pure gold. As I've no doubt mentioned umpteen times I've been unreasonably lucky in all sorts of ways. For some reason the music reminds me of a Beatles song, but blowed f I can place which one.

    I guess one comes to the point where searching for the cure is worse than the ailment in terms of desolation, time, expense and life in general. I'm sorry the meds were a misleading venture. Maybe LM and puffballs are sufficient consolation, I certainly hope so. As I said before I do admire the way you cope irrespective of what life throws at you and have confidence you always will.

    I've been watching "American Gods" TV series again and rather like Paul Cauthen - Everybody Walkin' this Land

    Bit positive perhaps but the way the word are juxtaposed appeals and it was used at exactly the right time in the show. That whole series is packed with different genres and attitudes for its accompanying music. I don't remember if I mentioned this before, if so please put it down to the ever increasing distance from my birthdate.

    Croix

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  28. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    I really enjoy the imagery in Josh Pyke's songs. They are typically wistfully sad and as you say, not outright hopeless. Quite a few of his songs have a bit of a Beatles vibe. Probably a bit of an amalgamation from various of their songs, hence not being able to quite place it - an idea more than a direct interpretation of a specific song. I'm glad you've had the luck you've had, you're the sort of person who knows how to appreciate it.

    Yeah, I think you're right about that. I'm not quite at the end of the road with it, I have a different type of med to try, however reluctantly I do so. I'm giving myself a little break to recover before I try those, I deserve that much. Of course LM and puffballs are the best consolation when things are amiss, I'd bee in far poorer shape without them. Thank you for your kind words. I'd be lying if I said my ego didn't like the sound of being admired. ;) Which reminds me of an old favourite Skyhooks song, Ego Is Not a Dirty Word. It's very fun (and I suspect may have come up in our conversations before, but I think it deserves trotting out semi-regularly).

    Everybody Walkin' This Land sounded familiar to me. Positive, yes, but in an enjoyable way - I can get behind a song that calls out the "racists, fascists, nihilists, and bigots" in the lyrics. Really like the slow ponderous beats it opens with, too. That particular kind of country music (if not the lyrics) actually got me thinking of watching stuff like Bonanza with Mum in days of yore. I always have a moment's contemplative pause at the surprise of a thing from my past coming to mind that doesn't make me sneer.

    As for whether it's come up before, I think even people much younger than either of us would start to forget what they've shared and what they haven't if they'd been recommending music to each other as long as we have. I'll leave you some more Josh Pyke because I enjoy his wistful sadness and have a strong connection to his music. Parking Lots and Eat Me Alive, more stuff with what passes for a romantic bent in ol' Blue's perspective from my early days with LM.

    Puffballs send a song.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10561 posts
    15 July 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    The Skyhooks song, Ego Is Not a Dirty Word is excellent, particularly as it mentions Leonard Cohen who's Future I can relate to sometimes

    I had a listen to more of Josh Pyke and ended up rather liking a tinny guitar version of Make You Happy

    It has a lovely phrase "I have to believe there is time for us" which I thought most encouraging. The song does deal with past loss, but also comfort.

    Pity about the guitar.

    Good luck with the next installment of meds when you do have the chance to give them a try. It is no light thing to do that, a peck (pardon me) of fortitude there Blue.

    Mine are more than good BUT I tried out a lot.

    Please tell the Puffballs they do a mighty job too. My menagerie could not bear to exist in the same sentence as 'job', mighty or otherwise.

    Croix

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  30. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    It's a great song. Apparently I'll have to listen a bit closer though, I missed the mention of Leonard Cohen. I'll have a listen to Future when I have a minute. LM is currently awaiting my company and I had best not dally.

    Funny how we zero in on different things, I have barely listened to Make You Happy, I think it triggered me a bit at one point and I quietly skirted around it since. Could be different now. Fill You In is one of my absolute favourites of his, and also The Lighthouse Song (there are swears in that one).

    The line you mentioned, or one very similar to it, also comes up in Memories & Dust, which is a very poignant song.

    Thanks. I'm in no hurry, but I'll let you know how it goes when I get there. Ha, well played. Many pecks donated by Puffballs. I can imagine you may have had your own not-so-fun road to tread with meds, many of us do.

    They have been informed, and Sir Pecks has responded with a particularly enthusiastic song. I think the work of my Puffballs more than makes up for the Menagerie bowing out, haha. Kind thoughts to you.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful

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