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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Topic: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. james1
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    29 July 2016 in reply to james1

    I hope that made some sense! Five days' thoughts condensed into one post is a bit tricky, haha. And I hope it doesn't sound too negative...I'm back to being much more stable today and, touch wood, Uluru will help that mood along.

    Auditory hallucinations…do you mind elaborating on that a bit more (if you’re comfortable of course)? Do you know what they’re saying/sound like or when they come up more frequently? That’s a really scary thing to realise. Will you be starting your psychologist sessions again tomorrow?

  2. lookingforme
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    29 July 2016 in reply to james1

    Hey. That is a lot. I'm sorry you went through all of that in a matter of days, but yes, it all made sense to me. I can imagine that more needs to be said.

    Believe it or not, I've had a similar week. Except for the suicide miss. More self injury than that. Though I have brushed past that and survived a full fledged one more than once. Would you like to elaborate on anything (if you want)? I am here for you, even if it is just one word; help. I hope you can remember that. I know it is difficult for me to remember.

    I think it is definitely a difficult concept to grasp. I never even used to think about identity much. I just thought that being changeable was a part of life. I accepted it as such. But being forced to confront it, to look at myself and see what actually is there? That made it hard. The diagnosis pushed me down a path that I have been skirting for years because I knew the calamity that would result. Whenever I do think about it, my natural default is to detach. Function as a response to my environment and it's requirements rather than contributing to the environment, if that makes any sense...

    Trust is definitely a huge issue for me. Anybody..I can't trust that I can be what I am around them, that they won't walk away that I won't push them away. If you don't mind me asking, what happened with your parents/mum? I understand about the old you squashing the new you. It happens too often, you pick yourself up too often Exhaustion sets in...

    To be honest, I don't know if anybody knows who they are. What that even means, it seems such an impractical notion. To be something. I am human. I know this. What else is there? I have no knowledge of what other people identify themselves as, so I honestly cannot know what I'm doing wrong. As I said before, I just thought being a chameleon was the norm. What do you define identity as? Start there.

    They are defence mechanisms. But what is wrong with safeguarding yourself? If I didn't have them, the amount of self destruction that would have happened. That has already happened. If you are safeguarding yourself out of necessity, isn't that a part of who you are, a survivor? You show resilience by keeping on. I know it isn't much of a life, but it is there for foundation. But I understand what you mean. A mass of brokenness. Nothing able to stand for long.

    I know I'm not exactly positive, but I see strength and resilience and a survivor.

  3. lookingforme
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    29 July 2016 in reply to james1

    It makes sense, and I understand. I am glad you are in a more stable place. Can I ask if you are on any meds? I hope Uluru helps.

    I essentially hear a voice. It sometimes whispers my name, calls it out in a taunting way, or a beckoning way; tells me to be quiet or shut up. I also see shadows and feel like I'm being followed when I am sleep deprived or exhausted, and can walk in the world of my dreams, so I can get quite on edge, especially with that voice. It's more frequent when I am stressed, which I have been so badly the last few months. It's pretty unsettling. I already didn't feel safe with me, and now I just remove myself from me a lot. I essentially erased myself from my surrroundings once and just sat atop a cloud watching over me and everyone else. Focussing has been quite difficult also.

    I have been sticking with exercise at least and have been able to break though that thing holding me hostage from math. But the emotional falls are felt more though. I feel like I'm paying a steep cost for existing and wanting more for myself.

    Yup, starting up with someone new, I hope it works out.

  4. james1
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    29 July 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Thanks a lot for the reply and offer of support. It's people like yourself and the others on this forum which keep me going in those bad times. And letting you know that you've helped is the biggest thank you I can give.

    I spoke a lot about detaching with my psychologist this week. It seems like one of our biggest coping mechanisms, and perhaps easier for people with a weak sense of identity. I totally understand what you mean by functioning as a response to the environment. It's that sense of auto-pilot. Most of the time, auto-pilot works but sometimes, when we're vulnerable, something catches us off guard and sends us down a bad spiral.

    And that segways nicely into your question about family!

    I realise now that I've been auto-piloting basically forever, and hiding all my feelings of being alone, abused, unloved, etc. I am pretty sure both of my parents either suffer from BPD or narcissitic PD - I can't tell which. And neither of them will admit it, or want to seek help. My childhood was basically comforting them despite all the abuse and threats of their own death, paranoid thoughts about the other partner hurting (fatally) one of us, etc, and ignoring my own feelings because that would've been too much to handle. On top of that is the excessive controlling behaviour and guilt-tripping. So it's safe to say that home is pretty toxic for me and, thankfully, they level it at me mostly and not my sister.

    So when I think about myself and my identity, I know in my head that, because it hurts so much, there has to be something inside which is me. But, having never known what that was because I've emotionally spent myself supporting my parents all my life...well, it's hard to even start to rebuild that identity, or try digging for it. I don't know where to start.

    To me, identity is being safe in knowing something about yourself, and that this knowledge would hold even if there were no other people in the world. For example, the statement "I like playing soccer with other people" could be an identity statement if it's true whether or not other people in the world exist or not. But for me, I can't say that. I don't know if I truly like playing soccer, or if that's just another image I put on to please others and fit in.

    And yes, I tell myself I'm a survivor. But even then, I sure would've given up ages ago if there was no one else in the world.

    Aha, I realise that also sounds really negative. I swear I'm in a good mood!! haha.

  5. james1
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    29 July 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    No meds, and I'm desperately trying to avoid them if I can. Though sometimes I wonder if they'd help when something breaks me out of my detached mode and my emotions go crazy...I don't know. I'll see how the psychotherapy goes. Do you have any experience with meds that you'd feel comfortable sharing? I feel like I should at least consider them.

    That sounds really unsettling...I know I'm overly afraid of shadows and I've always got this terrible feeling when I walk home, but not to that extent. It sounds like you detach to avoid this feeling as well? It does sound like something to talk to the psychologist about, especially the harming if that's related as well.

    It's interesting that online, the most common image people use of people with BPD is that they've suffered burns to their entire body so everything feels so raw emotionally. And while that's true, there's also the complete opposite where we don't even have that body because we pull away from it so much.

    Life seems to be a matter of polar opposites in everything we do and feel.

  6. lookingforme
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    29 July 2016 in reply to james1

    Hah, I believe you James, honestly. If not for the words then definitely for the fact that you got back on the forums and are writing about it.

    You are simply stating what is true for you, there is no negativity or positivity. It simply is. And you telling me I have helped is something I truly appreciate.

    You are right, there is a level of complacency on auto pilot. Thing is, again there sees to be no middle ground. Hyper awareness or autopilot.

    Sounds like you had it very rough, and the fact that you are comforted by that type of childhood not being exposed too much to your sister speaks volumes about your character. You are a good guy. I just copped a lot of verbal abuse and negligence and ended up taking care of myself more, I got used to not relying on other people. So...when I started doing things to myself I started questioning how self reliant I can be. That was the one thing I had. And this depression took it away. I'm told it isn't my fault but it looks like me and sounds like me so...

    I get what you mean about comforting your parents though. You grow up making sure that their needs are tended to more than yours, for me it went totally unnoticed, and then I would be constantly told that I was a disappointment who never thought or considered them, and that I go out of my way to hurt them. Things is...they remember none of it, and I'm trying my hardest to forget. Being back with them...is very difficult for me, to say the least.

    If you know someone is there to feel the things you feel, why not start by changing things so that what you feel is more than pain? That there can be pleasure? And by trying various things and realising you can do things and enjoy it, keep doing it? I was told by the counsellor I speak to weekly, that even if I know how quickly and drastically my feelings can change, if I was happy for just a minute in the day, don't think it was only a minute and everything fell apart, but try and think, I was happy for a minute today.

    we both seem to have identities as we see something in each other. Even if there was no one else in this world, it wouldn't change the fact that you are a survivor. And if you tell yourself you are, is that not something that you identify yourself as? We have all made it this far because of something. I know I have reasons that are external to me. But, so what? We never denied we needed others, it's just had for us to keep them or relate. We all need know we need help, so we write on here

  7. lookingforme
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    29 July 2016 in reply to james1

    You bring up the very reason why I brought up meds. I've been on meds for over a year now. At first only Antidepressants, and then another was added and switched and then I found out about the BPD purely because I asked, as I looked ready to accept answers. So I was also put on mood stabilisers. The antidepressants took me only so far ad I'm sure that's why a second was added, mainly to treat my anhedonia. But, with these mood stabilisers, even though I get a rough day, it isn't as frequent and isn't as polar. I can detach but the need for it is less. It isn't a fix, but I attribute the fact that I was able to just stop self injury, and start exercising and keep doing it in spite of everything I do feel, plus the fact that I can stomach the thought of a future beyond a month and go back to working for it, to them, and so I will definitely put up with the meds. It is worth considering. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing. Having said this, it has taken a while and a lot of tweaking, and I still sleep poorly so..more will be happening. Food for thought I guess.

    It is quite unsettling, and I get frustrated at myself. The black dog has a friend. The other day, I was looking over my shoulder so much my skin felt quite sensitive. I will be having a chat with the psychologist depending on comfort and the psychiatrist as well. It weighs on me heavily that I need a team of other people to help me take care of myself when I'm so used to doing it on my own.

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  8. james1
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    29 July 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    This really spoke to me:

    "So...when I started doing things to myself I started questioning how self reliant I can be. That was the one thing I had. And this depression took it away."

    I wonder if people with BPD generally feel quite self reliant -because- they're afraid of being left to their own devices, but because of all the other BPD symptoms, this self-reliance backfires at some point. It seems to make sense right? And losing your only sense of self, your self-autonomy, really burns through your confidence. Ah, that's tough, but I guess like your friends have said, you're still who you were before the diagnosis whether you believe it or not. That very capable, self-dependent person is still there. You've just lost sight of her.

    Yes, I absolutely understand you. It's so hard, when you've tried for so long to help, but you're told that you're a disappointment. And not a disappointment in the academic or sports sense of the word, but that you've failed to be a good family member and a good person. I don't even want to try and count the number of times I've been called a bad son, selfish, just trying to hurt people. It sounds like, at some point, something changed between you and your parents, but not completely? Do you think that was a conscious decision or did it just...evolve?

    I think I'm slowly trying to do things, but I keep doubting whether I'm actually enjoying them, or enjoying them to fulfill some other purpose/some other person. I know I shouldn't doubt it, but it's hard not to. But I'll just keep plugging away, going ice skating, going hiking, spending time with friends, and hopefully the "fake it till you make it" will kick in at some point (so long as that's not actually a bad thing!).

    Hmm...your experience with the meds sounds overall positive. I am a bit nervous about the whole switching and tweaking bit though. Was that difficult? Is it expensive/disruptive somehow? I hate taking even panadol, haha.

    Yes, I think we're so used to be self-sufficient and not wanting to bother anyone that to all of a sudden feel completely dependent on someone is really strange. Do you know the musical Phantom of the Opera? I was listening to a song on the train called "All I ask of you" and, the song's always been 'nice' because it's super romantic, but the first bit really got me this morning. It made me realise that, it's not that I've always wanted to be self-sufficient, it's that no one's ever comforted me. That stung a bit when I realised.

    James

  9. lookingforme
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    29 July 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    I take it back. Everything still changes on a dime. Maybe the combination of therapy and meds...

    I hate this thing.

  10. james1
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    29 July 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    :( Have you been getting enough sleep?

    (my other post might still be coming...I don't know. It got lost in the internet!)
  11. james1
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    29 July 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Ah that just made me think: i used to think this endless and rapid flipping was what everyone did. Funny that. Now it just feels unfair.

  12. lookingforme
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    29 July 2016 in reply to james1
    Yea, pretty unfair
  13. james1
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    29 July 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    Hey joelle just checking in to see how you're feeling this morning?
  14. Petra
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    30 July 2016 in reply to james1

    Hi Joelle and James

    I've read your threads. I understand a little better now. Pleased you two have the opportunity to talk this one out, and to each other.

    I use

    I used to despise medication. I was a sickly child until I had my tonsils out and on and off antibiotics for what felt like an eternity. I got to the point that I didn't want to take them anymore and I hid my medication in the furniture! Not a good hiding place as it turned out! Anyhow after that I would only take a panadol if required. Meds have their place I feel, and in my quest for good mental health, are a given. A tool I believe I need in my MH toolbox. I gave meds a go this time round and I'm pleased I did. My thoughts James if I may, perhaps give meds a go. Even if it helps a little. It's something. If it doesn't work or does the opposite, you'll find out soon enough and you and your professionals can take a different route, if at all. I grew exhausted trying to care for myself (and others) and brainstorming alone as to how to keep myself healthy. Now I'm doing what I can for me and letting people help. I don't have all the answers and want the advice and support of others, such as good, experienced folk as yourselves.

    Pet 😊 xx

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  15. lookingforme
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    30 July 2016 in reply to james1

    Hey James, thanks for checking in. I'm feeling...bulldozed actually. Haven't even ben able to push myself to exercise.

    How are you doing?

  16. lookingforme
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    2 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Hey James, how are you doing?

    I've noticed that my mood swings are less frequent, but more severe. And the drop is long, rapid and harsh, and still a struggle to get out of. It's like getting up from the floor, and when you're on your way up, someone comes around and pushes you back down. That act is full of momentum and leaves you completely vulnerable to other things dropping you. Hope you're okay.

  17. james1
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    2 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Hey Pet - thanks for the tip. I'm really starting to consider meds more seriously as you'll see below. Just...overwhelmed at the moment. Your advice to basically let others help is good - hard to swallow, but I think it's getting to that point where I'm realising I can't do this alone.

    Hey Joelle - sorry about the lack of response. Back from Uluru today and had no reception/internet there. I was on such a high while there. I think being away from home and everything that's happened here in terms of the break-up, family, psychologist (not that it's a bad thing, just more stress), work, tutoring, blargh, yeah - being away helped.

    But as soon as I got to the airport at Uluru, the high feeling just evaporated and, like you said, a long rapid and very harsh drop. And also like you said, I felt like I was picking myself off the floor - I felt like I got some semblance of identity (I really like travelling and being out of the city) - but then life decided to sit on me again. And now I'm just banging my head thinking, "How could I be so silly to think it'd let me get up? This keeps happening!"

    Feeling very overwhelmed like a bulldozer has just run over me a few times for good measure. Then picked me up and dropped me back down, just for fun.

    On the bright side, I'm a bit clearer on who I am: I like being out under the stars and feeling like there's a massive world out there to explore. I also like having a home to go to and a stable relationship which I can count on, even if I can't count on anything else. Just a shame that neither are in my grasp right now, haha.

    Sorry to hear about your own troubles too. How was your psychologist session? What's been pushing you each way and every way?

    James

  18. lookingforme
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    2 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Hey James,

    I'll say life is setting me off. Too much stress, not enough peace. I'm all too familiar with the good news having a but at the end of it...And I am completely with you on that one, outdoors, exploring, that's what I want too. See the stars from a mountain or a valley, the openness...

    Psych session was good, definitely don't mind going back. She's excited to have me as a patient because everything I want out of therapy now, she specializes in so..now we wait?

    Don't worry about not replying, not like I was on this thread either. Just thought of you so thought I'd reach out also. I'm glad Uluru was, overall, a good experience for you.

  19. james1
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    4 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Hey Joelle,

    Peace is a really interesting way to put it. I've been thinking a lot about safety. Not physical safety, but where I feel mentally safe. I guess it's like the triggers you were talking about. There's so much out there at the moment which pushes one of my many buttons. The only place I feel safe is in my imagination, but even that can be bad sometimes. Perhaps safe, to me, actually means peace and...quiet from the thoughts in my head. And that's what stars and the moon give me. Just something to watch in wonder, as you say, in the open.

    Really glad to hear your psych session was good and she's also keen to have you. Have you started discussing what your goals and methods will be? When's the next session?

    I had my first actual schema therapy session today. We went through imagery rescripting. Have you done that before? I went back into a memory which I didn't expect to hold any emotional value, but boy was I wrong, haha. That was very draining and I'm just taking the rest of the day off - we have a conference at work and I just can't deal with 150 people right now!

    James

  20. james1
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    8 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Hey Joelle, we've barely seen you on the forums at all in the last week.

    Just wanted to check how you're going. No need to elaborate if you don't feel comfortable. Just wanted to let you know we're thinking of you and here if you want to chat.

    James

  21. lookingforme
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    9 August 2016 in reply to james1
    Hey James...you're right, not so great. In hindsight, I'm sorry I haven't been around for you. So, the offer to share is the same. I'll probably be silent for a bit. There's just too much to say, to say it, you know?
  22. james1
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    9 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Yeah I know the feeling. Like there's too much to handle, that talking would just tip it over even more.

    Take care, I'm thinking of you.

    Hugs

    James

  23. lookingforme
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    10 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Yea, exactly that. Thanks James. I haven't stopped thinking of you, just struggling to be me.

    Joelle

  24. james1
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    10 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Take your time Joelle. I understand that you're finding it really tough at the moment.

    Of course, I'll be around when you do feel like posting back.

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  25. Petra
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    12 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Hi Cheeky and James

    I'm here too. Sometimes you just need to pull yourself up for a bit to 'just be'.

    Hugs and kisses. xxoo

  26. lookingforme
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    13 August 2016 in reply to Petra

    Hey Pet and James, thanks for being around, and being concerned. Pet, I'm really loving Puddles. Such a look of curiosity on his face.

    James, I've been thinking about how I've been feeling. And for a while now...there's only been an image that comes to mind. I may try to draw it, but I thought I would describe it. I don't have much of a connection to the feelings today, but, this image remains.

    It's the picture of a bare tree. It's crooked and bending but it's old, with large roots that go deep into the ground. It is on a small island, surrounded by water, but just off centre. There is no sun, but it you can see its affects through the dense clouds that take over the sky - the brightness shows through the top of each cloud will the bases are dark and rolling. The water around the island is rippling; breaking the image of the island, the tree and the sky into a sort of mosaic. Making recognizable images but, disconnected, and disjointed and discontinuous. All of this is in grayscale.

    Now, take that image and turn it upside down, so what you look at as upright is the rippled and broken image, and its reflection is continuous version. This is how I feel; what my reality feels like - broken and disjointed, staring at a reflection that is whole but isn't like me, is more recognizable than I feel.

    I don't know if that made sense at all...

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  27. james1
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    13 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Pet, is that your duck? :)

    Hey Joelle, so glad to hear from you.

    That's a really evocative image. I...don't know what to say :/ I guess all I can say is I get it. Maybe in a different way, but I get it.

    I've also been struggling recently just with how I feel and like you, "I don't have much of a connection to the feelings today". I wrote to someone else that I'd "shut down" and I've been writing poems rather than trying to make much sense, so I think that's what I mean by I get it. Maybe not what you're feeling, but how. Now that just sounds silly, haha.

    I'm not sure what to say...but here's a poem I wrote which your image reminded me of:

    Shattered Smile

    These lips tear open a gaping black hole;
    it claws and crushes like a vice -
    curved in a smile, and pinned by despair.

    And crevices, cut and etched into stone
    beside snake eyes that glitter with want;
    reaching for your touch, a taste of fire,
    but devour only my empty screams.

    Stop.

    Caress the cavity within.

    My pain is this smile I’ve carved for you.

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  28. lookingforme
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    13 August 2016 in reply to james1

    James,

    Your poem is beautiful. Thanks for sharing it. I can't explain to you why but it resonates with me. So, I get you saying that you get it.

    A fine pair we are, feeling but not connected to it. I'm glad someone gets it.

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  29. Petra
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    14 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Hello Cheeky and James

    You describe these feelings so well, I believe I can see them. Good to see you back and chatting.

    This is my duckling 'Paddles'. A rescue duckling. All our animals have a story. Somehow we end up with the animals others don't want for various reasons etc. Paddles is helping us as much as we are helping him though. A good distraction for hubby who is weighed down by his PTSD somewhat at this time. The Universe provides in funny ways don't you think?

    Always in my thoughts.

    Pet 😊 xx

  30. spunkyturtle
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    16 August 2016

    I'm scared I have BPD, I remember asking my psychologist and we went through the criteria, she basically said no because I don't self harm, although I later read that self harm is a large indicator, some people don't do it. I had other indicators, excessive spending, unstable relationships, unclear or unstable self image, impulsive self destructive behaviours, explosive anger, chronic feelings of emptiness and extreme emotional swings.

    Im going to ask my psychiatrist tomorrow. I've felt like an alien so long like I don't fit in, I'd started to wonder if this is me.

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